Beginning to believe in myself

[Damien]

Ever since I was betrayed by my sister many years ago, when she went on a rampage, causing so much harm to all the family - I have had trouble believing in myself, I still sometimes see myself as something less than a person - a shadow of the guilt I felt by my sister's actions and words.

In case you don't now, I am a school teacher, scientist and amateur writer. I have taught in 6 schools in 2 countries. My specialities are Physics, Mathematics, Special Education, Literacy and IT. About 1200 students have passed through my class rooms.

In the last 2 days, 3 events have occurred that I am finding strangely hard to deal with, mainly because they are wonderful words said for actions that I consider normal and dutiful:

- The Headmaster of the school I teach at saying that a senior student's parent was in his office praising my teaching, that I make the lessons 'fun and easy to understand'

- At an interview, they said that they have never encountered that much passion for such a variety of topics (science, art, history, culture, music...)

- Several people praising me for shielding a lady (at her request) from a drunk at a taxi rank late at night.

Maybe I am an idiot because I think that these actions are normal - a teacher should have passion and people should help when asked. My values are a little odd and probably outdated - examples are that I refuse to sit down on a train or a bus when others are standing whether I am on crutches or not; giving my life for a child is a fair trade if necesary; fsmily is everything ...etc

Despite all this, I woke up this morning, looked in the mirror, frowned, and said to myself - 'you can do a lot better'. But, I am beginning to think that maybe I am starting to do 'a lot better'.

What is wrong with me?

[Whiskey]

You're depressed, HOWEVER, the way you post is magnificent. Everything you posted is an ACCOMPLISHMENT. You didnt take away from what you've done, you simply said "This is what I am, I am a school teacher, I am a scientist, I am an amateur writer." That is a valuable skill when youre depressed.

Why don't you look in the mirror next time and smile. Say "I've done great, but I haven't reached my full potential YET" and take life as a challenge. You have done great, you educate the minds of the youth. Even if these are your Status Quo, they are still admirable. Set yourself a goal, when you reach that goal, set yourself another goal. Don't feel bad about doing wonderful things.

i hope that makes sense.

[Damien]

Thank you for that, Whiskey

Every day I try and accomplish something, and I learnt recently that I feel the accomplishment more prominantly when it benefits someone else - so today I bought my dad a laptop (his old one bit the dust recently).

[BookstoreEscapee]

Nothing is wrong with you.

[Whiskey]

Nothing is wrong with you.

I forgot to say this. I think you're mistaking "something wrong" with "ambition"

If you want to do better, if you want to help people, do it! check out the 1800volunteer website if helping people makes you feel good. I used to cook food/make food/deliver food for the homeless and less fortunate.

edit: and honestly, some people look down on teachers. I'm in pre-algebra, but the love of math my teacher has makes me want to be a math major. Can I do it? Maybe. But her love of her profession and the happiness she exudes is memorizing. I hope I love what i do half as much as she loves what she does because it'd be wonderful. You might not realize it, because I doubt she does, but you effect more lives than you think you do as a teacher.

[BookstoreEscapee]

My roommate is a teacher. In the 3 years I've lived with her she's been in first and fifth grades, and this year she is teaching middle school science. I hear her stories and I don't think I could do it. I admire anyone who can.

[Magpie]

- a teacher should have passion and people should help when asked.

Emphasis added. Just doing what you should do makes you an outstanding person. Don't ever forget that, seriously.

[Mytical]

A GOOD teacher pretty much has to have the patience of a saint, the wisdom of Soloman, and having a Tank might come in handy too.

[Amethyst Hunter]

What is wrong with me?

Not a damn thing. Observe:

the guilt I felt by my sister's actions and words.

You aren't responsible for your sister's actions/words. She is. Put the blame where it belongs - all that guilt is a heavy load to have to drag around and life is too short to waste it on people that don't deserve your time.

In the last 2 days, 3 events have occurred that I am finding strangely hard to deal with, mainly because they are wonderful words said for actions that I consider normal and dutiful...Despite all this, I woke up this morning, looked in the mirror, frowned, and said to myself - 'you can do a lot better'. But, I am beginning to think that maybe I am starting to do 'a lot better'.

All anybody can ever ask from you is that you try your best. Judging from your post, you're doing just fine. As someone else said, ambition, particularly concerning career, is a different thing than being a 'better' person. As long as you keep doing what you say you consider normal for you (i.e., the caring/manners/etc.), that's good 'nuff. No one can be a saint and you'll only drive yourself nuts trying to attain that level of 'godliness', so just be yourself and you'll do all right. (Sainthood is overrated anyway - after all, 'good' girls/guys might go to heaven, but bad boys/girls go everywhere. )

In short: you're fine, it's just the rest of the world that's messed up.