Cold inside

[Midnight12]

I don't think I could paint or draw these memories. To me there were quite traumatic and ended up in me being in the hospital. And no it wasn't abuse but that I lost someone

[Midnight12]

scrapbooking would have worked if i wasn't out of glue and broke. dammit

[Whiskey]

lick the page and slap it on there. I think seshat meant draw how you feel, not the stuff that happened. Sad flowers, isolated kitten, whatever your creative sight tells you.

[Seshat]

Thank you Whiskey - yes, you're correct.

My aunt, when she was grieving because she was dying of cancer, was painting black and dark grey pages. Nothing else, at first - just covering the whole page with black.

[Midnight12]

eeew I don't want to taste old pictures and green pages thank you whiskey. and scrapbooking helps me deal with it. heh. painting consists of using up the entire newspaper to cover the floors and such because i throw it at the canvas

[Seshat]

So do it.

It's better than bottling it up, and better than crying until it hurts.

[Midnight12]

as true as this is I have no easel, or proper paper to do this on. yeah. but thats ok. this thursday i get to go get scrapbook glue. :-D

yeah i know excuses excuses. BUT I did listen to alot of music today so i am gooood.

[Seshat]

Butcher's paper on the floor. The paper they wrap stuff in at the deli. The point isn't to make pretty pictures, the point is to clear your mind of the grief.

But I'm glad the music helped you.

[Midnight12]

This weekend the craft store is having a sale. Its not that I don't want to its that I have to wait until payday to get stuff. Paint as well. I haven't painted in ages. Counseling appointment was today and it helped as much as I didn't want to talk about it I had to. Thursday is another session

[Der Cute]

Lexia,

You've said earlier in a PP that you don't want to let Old Demon out. Cuz you hate how it feels doing it, and you hate how you feel afterward, and you're flat out scared. OK.
But you know you're also making excuses to not heal yourself?

I know this because my friend C is a lifetime alcoholic. I love him, and tell him to better himself - just take care of himself with gen maintenance - dr checkup, eyes, general shit. He makes continuous excuses to not do this, the moan of "I don't have money" HE DOES. He's just not willing to spend it on himself. And I've done the same thing - I've made excuses to keep myself in my little apartment, away from society, away from humans, to not do anything fun "I dont have the money"

I finally realized I was depriving myself. And making excuses. But I now realize I had someone backing me up the whole time, and I wasted time...

So hey. You have DH, therapist, us to back you up. And I think with the wisdom and experience we've got here in this community, we're almost a PhD equal. :P

I journal shit. I know if it write it out my brain stops flinging it around. You might be different. But I'll suggest DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING IF YOU GET AN IMPORTANT THOUGHT and write it out. Those mental questions of "Why do I feel like this even if..." and "whoa, this doohickey reminds me of X situation..wtf" and other junk like that. Stuff like this pops up in really weird times, like when you're vacuuming, or when you're cooking, driving..stuff where your brain can drift a wee bit.
These are all signs of your subconscious saying "Get this shit outta here, I'm tired of Old Demon, he snores a lot and his farts stink to high heaven". And they will keep popping up like carbonation, until you get Old Demon out.

I will always remember the day I cried my ass off to grieve my life, and accept that I had epilepsy and couldn't do EVERYTHING I wanted...and that I had a limitation and had to work around it.
I was 24, 25. I'd had it since I was 8. I'm stubborn, what can I say. But that night I slept like a baby, I felt lighter the next day, and didn't want to wear bracelets anymore on my right wrist. I keep my Medic Alert bracelet on that side. I'd been hiding it from myself for years.

And, I've achieved a lot since then. You have a roadblock in your head, Subconcious is saying Get Him Out, and you're fighting it. BTDT, got the Tshirt.

Big hugs, cry on a kitty, write thoughts out, and take it slow. It's not gonna be gone in a day.

[Midnight12]

I admit to that. Excuses, avoidance techniques. Its what I feel is this, that I loathe to cry lately. How crying makes me feel and that I want to avoid that. If thats an excuse fine, I'll own up to that. But yes, mostly afraid that after crying it will get worse as I tend to have the what i call spiral downwards of depression. Its difficult sometimes as it happens when hubby is asleep as he works night shift thus sleeps most of the day. Counseling is really helping. I got a load off today and feel better.

Yes I realize I'm stopping myself and sometimes I don't care that I am and that as bad as that is at this point in time I am aware of it. Going to spare the history yet I have come to realize that like my mother we have been so used to pain and grief that when something good comes along our mind goes hey wait a minute this isn't right let me screw it up. I am aware of that too and fight it like the plague when it comes.

what I was upset about was something I did about 5 years ago that was traumatic enough I buried it or blocked it and dealt with it. However apparently I didn't and it has come back. Dealing with it now.

The old demon....well how can I say this. The best way I can think of it is that we all have that little voice that can be called our intuition, conscience, or whatever you want to call it that says thats a bad idea or you know better, do the right thing etc.

I have that, but I also have the other negative voice that when I do listen its always hateful and negative and will make me feel like shit till the point I am literally not myself. My husband has said at one point my tone of voice changed, my mannerisms to a point I was NOT myself to try and get it to stop and that what I had said to him was very hurtful and without provocation. Not me at all.

Thats what I'm afraid of happening again. So yes I avoid to keep that when it makes it worse. Every thursday is group session and when i can get counseling time in. I have gotten better its just that I don't want that hurt anymore the all consuming pain. When I got ready to talk about it that same voice said you know this is going to really effing hurt. I said yeah but I have to deal with it, shut up


side note I make avatars to reflect how I am and that helps get things out. latest avatar is the whole lack of sleep zombie in pink weird pajamas

[Seshat]

Sounds like a very nasty case there.

I'm glad to hear that you're going to the craft store. Grab the paints & paper, and remember that you're painting emotion, not anything that gets judged or critiqued. Whatever you paint is *right*, for this purpose.

I also have a self-judging voice in my head. Over time - a lot of time - I've trained myself to ignore it, and it's become less powerful. It's not easy, but it is possible to do.

I understand the fear of spiralling down. Believe me, I DO! Depression is so easy to spiral down into, and so hard to climb out of. But right now, you're trying to climb out while carrying a backpack full of heavy burdens.

To get rid of each burden, you need to take it out and look at it. And yes, that hurts. And it's awkward. But how easily are you going to climb out of the depression while so heavily burdened?

The painting helps by taking away the generalised burdens. The nonspecific ones, the emotional ones. You literally paint them out of your head. Expressing them, making them an acknowledged thing.

Once you've acknowledged it, your psyche goes 'oh. That's what it is. Oh, I can handle that.' And you might have some nasty dreams for a couple of nights, or funny thoughts for a day or two, and it goes away.

By the sound of it, you have some severely heavy burdens in there as well. Those ones, I'd tackle with the assistance of a counsellor, and perhaps after you've painted (or whatever) some of the lighter and more generalised burdens away.

Severe burdens will tend to cause a lot more yuck than a few bad dreams. And yes, if they're bad enough, there can be a case for supportive medication while handling them, or even for handling them in a hospital. Those resources are there, and are available for you to use, if it gets that bad.

I do not believe that acknowledging and facing your burdens will have a permanent negative effect. Quite the opposite: the long term effect will be positive. It'll be easier to climb out of the depression.

However, facing burdens can cause short-term negative effects. A bout of crying while painting a lighter burden out. Bad dreams for a middling burden. Needing a counsellor's support for a heavy burden. Needing a full medical team for the sort of severe trauma that survivors of war, disaster, abuse, severe crimes, etc go through.

Even those with the severe trauma get better when they've acknowledged it. Maybe never quite the same as before the trauma happened, but better than they were in the period between the trauma and acknowledging it.


Edit to add: keep making those avatars. That's another good expressing-emotion tool.

[Der Cute]

I admit to that. Excuses, avoidance techniques. Its what I feel is this, that I loathe to cry lately.

Hey, good job. You got some help, started it going. That's great.

Yes I realize I'm stopping myself *snip* I have come to realize that like my mother we have been so used to pain and grief that when something good comes along our mind goes hey wait a minute this isn't right let me screw it up. I am aware of that too and fight it like the plague when it comes.

This sounds like low/medium self esteem. My friend C? The alcoholic? My DH and I joke that he's got a Kick Me Please sign on his back..he seems to attract trouble and days of "jesus not this shit again".... cuz he has low self esteem. I also have to tell myself: wait, I DO deserve that high five. I AM doing good here.

what I was upset about was something I did about 5 years ago that was traumatic enough I buried it or blocked it and dealt with it.

I do that too. This is why I said the carbonation idea..the stuff IS trying to get back out of the box. Locks don't hold the old demons in.

have the other negative voice that when I do listen its always hateful and negative and will make me feel like shit till the point I am literally not myself. My husband has said at one point my tone of voice changed, my mannerisms to a point I was NOT myself to try and get it to stop and that what I had said to him was very hurtful and without provocation. Not me at all.
Thats what I'm afraid of happening again. So yes I avoid to keep that when it makes it worse.

This sounds like low self esteem here too, but some anger overriding it. But it's all between you and the counselor.

I think you ARE making progress. You've outlined your issues, you are seeing a professional, you've voiced ideas and listened here, that's a huge ass chunk of fixing the demons! The next steps are finding the right ways to think about these things, how to deal with yourself...all part of the game. Many times I have thought: Hey, get a diagnosis, get a list of homework from professional, fixed! It's not like that...which sucks. I'm kinda impatient.

But, Lexia, you're also doing things that help you deal with the problem. So, I hope you feel warm inside soon. I think you're doing good, honestly.

[Midnight12]

and here we are at 5:50am because DD woke up...*points to avie* teething....yeah no tooth STILL

[Seshat]

I pulled out our fingerpaints and some paper, and took my own advice.

I painted a swirl, then turned it into a snake. With some grass and random flowery things.