Help...

[Taboo]

I'm not a frequent poster here but some of you have seen me around... hate to ask here when I haven't been contributing much lately, but I wasn't really sure where else to go...

There's something seriously wrong with me and I'm having trouble even functioning right now. And I need some help, or advice or... something. This is going to be long and probably really disorganized since it's hard for me to think straight when I'm stressed... I just... need help on how to deal with this and still make it through my last year of college.

I've had depression for years, but I actually suspect I may be bipolar... every time I've seen a new therapist, they've done the whole 'well let's chart out your moods every day for a year and then we'll discuss it' thing. Which doesn't work too well as I've moved 11 times in the last 5 years for various reasons and it's been impossible for me to keep the same therapist, and every time I get a new one they ask me to start it over. From scratch. Again. Because apparently they don't trust my old records? I don't even know.

I've been on meds before. It didn't work out too well. Had one make me shake so badly I couldn't even hold a pencil, and most of the others made me suicidal. We're talking on starting amounts of the smallest dose pill cut into a fourth. I'm hypersensitive to meds and it makes it hard to even try anything because the side effects are usually so severe that I end up unable to function. The closest I've got to things that 'help' with the depression is meds that make me so numb that I can't feel it anymore. But then I can't feel anything else either, and I just sit in my room and stare at the wall and forget to even eat or sleep or shower unless someone tells me to. It's like being frozen.

I've tried multiple meds from every class of anti-depressants. It's possible that there's something that would help but I am not too hopeful that it would be easy to find. With my track record I could expect to have bad reactions to other drugs first, possibly severe enough to make me unable to work or go to class for some time.

I don't know what to do right now. Ideally I'd drop out of school and try to get back into therapy and possibly try new meds, see if I can find someone willing to consider bipolar since I'm having marked manic mood swings as well (hyperactivity, irritability, super fast speech that nobody can even follow, hypersexuality when I'm usually almost asexual, racing thoughts, impulsive behavior... to the point where people will flat out ask me what is going on). And I would prefer to just take a year off school and try to get myself more stable. But... I can't:

I lose my scholarship (13k a year) if I take time off, as well as my medical insurance through my father if I'm not a full time student. Couldn't afford to come back or to pay for therapy. Can't afford to pay for different health insurance. Father's helping me out financially now and nobody else in my family would/could (grandparents have money but don't believe that mental health problems are 'real'.)

I've been trying to get into therapy, but there isn't anyone I can see that I trust to talk to... I've been going to school counselors but we only have male counselors and... well, I think part of this is genetic since other family members have mental health issues as well, and part is related to being raised by pretty abusive parents, but part also are related to... past instances that I don't feel I can talk to a male counselor about.

My medical insurance is through my father, who I stay in contact with via email only and who pays my tuition. But we don't get along. And he's said that if I have enough problems that I can't handle something as simple as college without seeing a therapist, then he's going to stop paying my tuition and try to have me institutionalized. Knowing him, he is sincere when he says that. I doubt he could actually manage it, he could probably get me picked up involuntarily for a psych eval since I was briefly committed when in my teens, but they wouldn't keep me as I'm not a danger to myself... I was there the first time because I put myself there when I was starting to go off the deep end and was afraid of what I might do, and because it was the only way to legally force my parents to let me see a therapist at the time.

Trying to educate him about depression is probably not going to work. This is the guy whose response to me asking him for help with anything as a teenager was to walk away from me, lock his door, order a self help book off of Amazon, and shove it under my door in the middle of the night along with a note about what a failure I was as a daughter just so he wouldn't have to deal with me. I cannot see him suddenly growing a sense of compassion. I tried to talk to him on the phone about seeing a therapist and after he threatened to have me hospitalized, he hung up on me.

I'd love to even drop down to minimal full time classes (12 credits), but I need the 17 credits a semester I have now to graduate in May. If I go past May, I lose the scholarship anyway and it goes up to about $1,200 per credit. Plus they don't really offer night classes so I'd have trouble working at the same time. I've talked to financial aid and disability services and so on about working with me but they're not willing to do anything... they have the ability to make less than 12 credits a semester count as full-time for my insurance for mental health reasons and to extend my scholarship but I've filed officially paperwork twice and they aren't willing to do it for me. Because apparently I seem "stable enough" because all I've been doing in class is breaking down constantly which apparently is completely normal to them.

I just don't even know where to go from here, I feel like I'm completely losing my mind here, between the stress and feeling like an emotional ping-pong ball and my school deciding that four thesis projects required for all seniors is a brilliant idea, and I don't even know if there's a way to get a handle on the mental health issues and not kill my chances of ever finishing my degree...

I don't know if there's some solution that I'm missing here, or if anyone has ideas on how to put myself through the rest of my college *and* find free/low cost meds/therapy if I'm no longer insured or having my tuition paid. My cost right now to finish everything without the scholarship would be $32,000 if I went full time with that discount, or about $40,000 if I went part-time and did it slowly. And I have no idea how to swing that much money. And switching to a cheaper school doesn't make sense when I'm a quarter of the way through my senior year because most of my credits wouldn't transfer.

Help...?

[TelephoneAngel]

I have no idea if its really helpful but there are all kinds of online tests to see if you have matching symptoms, might be worth looking at?

[42_42_42]

You need to get yourself healthy first and worry about school second. I know that's not the answer you want to hear. Honestly, you may want to look into an in-patient program. You don't have to be a danger to yourself to self-commit. You will be far better off in the long run if you are mentally healthy and haven't finished your degree than you are to continue pursuing your degree while unstable.

[Taboo]

Honestly, you may want to look into an in-patient program.

I looked a couple months ago. $3,000 a day minimum after what my insurance covers.

Yeah, that's not happening.

Also, I pretty much equate not being able to graduate at this point with failing at the only remaining good thing that is in my life, so if I have to drop out, that's probably going to send me into too low of a depression to actually recover from. Because at that point my life might as well be over.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Does your school have a health clinic or counseling office? That could be one place to start.

[Taboo]

Does your school have a health clinic or counseling office? That could be one place to start.

I've been in. A few times. They have therapists but will only do emergency sessions, nothing longterm.

They can give me referrals to other therapists but I can't take them up on this due to my father, and I've told them this, but they aren't willing to make an exception and see me more often.

My only option right now looks like finding someone who works on a sliding scale and will see me without having to use my insurance and thus notify my father that I'm in therapy. So, that's... doable, I guess, but probably a lot of money per session.

[Whiskey]

I've had depression for years, but I actually suspect I may be bipolar... every time I've seen a new therapist, they've done the whole 'well let's chart out your moods every day for a year and then we'll discuss it' thing. Which doesn't work too well as I've moved 11 times in the last 5 years for various reasons and it's been impossible for me to keep the same therapist, and every time I get a new one they ask me to start it over. From scratch. Again. Because apparently they don't trust my old records? I don't even know.

You're in college on a scholarship, whats the likelihood of you moving in the next 2-5 years?

I've tried multiple meds from every class of anti-depressants. It's possible that there's something that would help but I am not too hopeful that it would be easy to find.

If you are Bi Polar, anti-ds are pretty bad for you. They cause manic episodes which is why you generally don't see BP patients on antids. Its always a cocktail of antipsychotics, a mood stabilizer and some kind of tranquillizing drug.

I don't know what to do right now. Ideally I'd drop out of school and try to get back into therapy and possibly try new meds,

Dropping out of school could (and probably would) cause a depressive cycle. If you drop out of the things that keep you in the middle of society with responsibilities and expectations, you start to lose yourself.

Can't afford to pay for different health insurance. Father's helping me out financially now and nobody else in my family would/could (grandparents have money but don't believe that mental health problems are 'real'.)

You will never be able to afford independent health insurance with a mental health diagnosis, unfortunately. You posted on the last page about finding a sliding scale. Is all your income from your scholarship or do you have a job? I know my GP (not a psych) is 42$ per visit for me on sliding scale. I'm in a program where, since i'm destitute for the most part) I pay 38$ per year for my care. I see a therapist once a week and my psychiatrist (or his nurse) once every six weeks.

My medical insurance is through my father, who I stay in contact with via email only and who pays my tuition. But we don't get along. And he's said that if I have enough problems that I can't handle something as simple as college without seeing a therapist, then he's going to stop paying my tuition and try to have me institutionalized.

He can't have you institutionalized against your will unless he has absolute proof that you are a danger to yourself or others. At the very worst, if youre not, you'll be temporarily held for 24-48 hours in an unsecured ward. Its pretty nice, mine had good food and the people weren't that bad. Also, you might want to check with your health insurance. I've never had any, but I doubt they can release what doctors youre seeing, when and what for. I could be completely wrong about that. Call the insurance company and find out.

Trying to educate him about depression is probably not going to work.

Probably not. My family is the same with the "mental illness isnt real." My grandma swears up and down that my bi polar disorder is "cured" and I can stop taking my medicine. Yeah... no I cant.

Because apparently I seem "stable enough" because all I've been doing in class is breaking down constantly which apparently is completely normal to them.

Go above them. They are not qualified in the least to make any judgments on how "stable" you are.

I don't know if there's some solution that I'm missing here, or if anyone has ideas on how to put myself through the rest of my college *and* find free/low cost meds/therapy if I'm no longer insured or having my tuition paid. My cost right now to finish everything without the scholarship would be $32,000 if I went full time with that discount, or about $40,000 if I went part-time and did it slowly.

Is there a reason you don't qualify for federal subsidized loans? The federal loans are for all students and aren't based on credit. What kind of financial aid programs does your school have? If you're over 24 and don't live with your father, you qualify for financial aid. I know the UC system in California offers a Blue & Gold program for low income students and it pays for absolutely everything. Do like every other student does and just rack up some debt to pay for school. 40k in student loans isn't as bad as it could be. If it means cutting your dad off at the ankles and getting help rather than not getting help and suffering a potential mental break in the future, i'd take on the debt.

edit: DO NOT MESS WITH YOUR OWN BRAIN CHEMISTRY ESPECIALLY WHEN YOURE NOT UNDER THE DIRECT SUPERVISION OF A LICENSED DOCTOR!!!!!!

[MadMike]

I would like to ask everyone to not please post medical advice here, especially if you're not in the medical profession. While our lovingly dysfunctional family likes to take care of one another, medical advice from a non-professional is a very bad idea and could prove to be dangerous.

Someone posted a rather dubious suggestion, which someone else reported, and I deleted. While I'm sure they meant well, it could have ended up doing more harm than good. Best thing to do is to talk to a doctor.

[ArcticChicken]

My only option right now looks like finding someone who works on a sliding scale and will see me without having to use my insurance and thus notify my father that I'm in therapy. So, that's... doable, I guess, but probably a lot of money per session.

My counselor charges $45 a session.

[Taboo]

My counselor charges $45 a session.

That would still be too much for me to afford right now.

[Taboo]

You're in college on a scholarship, whats the likelihood of you moving in the next 2-5 years?

Likely, because I hate it here. I graduate in May if I finish and lease is up in June and I don't want to be here any longer really. Living here is like social death; everyone moves here to further their career and then nobody has any time to be around other people. I see friends like twice a year tops, not per person but total, and haven't made any new ones in the three years I've been here.

Dropping out of school could (and probably would) cause a depressive cycle. If you drop out of the things that keep you in the middle of society with responsibilities and expectations, you start to lose yourself.

This happened when I was on crutches for two months and had to take a semester out of my non-handicapped-accessible school. So, yes, probably.

You will never be able to afford independent health insurance with a mental health diagnosis, unfortunately.

I'll never be able to afford it in my field even without one, so that's no surprise.

I've never had any, but I doubt they can release what doctors youre seeing, when and what for. I could be completely wrong about that. Call the insurance company and find out.

No, but he's threatened that if there are any new medical charges by me on our insurance, he'll kick me off of it. He's a jackass, so I suspect he was sincere. He has all the bills going to him, so he'd see it. Weekly charges to the same place are obvious.

Is there a reason you don't qualify for federal subsidized loans?

I'm 21 and my father makes well over triple digits. I can't take more than 2k a year in loans because of it. So I'd have to wait several years before they wouldn't consider his financials.

I can't rent an apartment here without him cosigning for it; I have NO job history because I've only done freelance and I have NO credit score because I've never had a reason to use that. So if he does decide to stop helping me out, I have to try and find a friend willing to let me sleep on their couch... my mother is borderline personality and I can't stand living with her and the rest of the family doesn't really speak to me.

How would I even work it if I dropped out and left? I can't support myself here, but I'm not any good at other jobs and most of the work for mine requires me being here. No real marketable talents + people make me panicky...

[Taboo]

I would like to ask everyone to not please post medical advice here, especially if you're not in the medical profession. While our lovingly dysfunctional family likes to take care of one another, medical advice from a non-professional is a very bad idea and could prove to be dangerous.

Someone posted a rather dubious suggestion, which someone else reported, and I deleted. While I'm sure they meant well, it could have ended up doing more harm than good. Best thing to do is to talk to a doctor.

Thanks.

I'm mostly looking for... I guess experiences and ideas for resources, really.

[Whiskey]

You have a serious case of the I Cant's. Its okay, we all get them. You'd be surprised the amount of shit I Can't do until I realize I'm in the back of a corner and I either do something or I destroy my life.

Heres a completely unrealistic, but possibly way to get out from under your fathers thumb. It requires voluntarily going through hell and back, numerous traumatic experiences, possibly being murdered and begging for food and/or money. Its the Whiskey Authenticated Guide To Success.

First, hit up a psych on your dads insurance for as long as he'll bitch you out about it before cutting you off. Once you're cut off, you'll get depressed and drop out of school. You'll lose your place to live and be homeless. Try to find a shelter, a car to live in, or just live on the streets. Its a matter of preference, I preferred my car. Live like this for a minimum of one year with no contact and no financial gifts from your father. By this time, you'll be too old for most of the social programs "you cant" get into right now, so good luck with this last part because its mostly luck. Find a social program for homeless "youth." At 22, you wouldnt be considered a youth anymore, but some programs go up to 25. They will move you into "transitional housing" where you live in the worst part of any given town, subsidized, for up to 2 years while they try to place you in a permanent subsidized housing option. You'll get the sweet sound of bullets coming through your living room, crack addicts banging down your doors trying to find their dealer, having your car broken into twice a week as well as your neighbors trying to sell you drugs, then trying to get you kicked out when you don't buy the drugs. You'll be forced to work a menial job because even the people who care for you think you can't do anything worthwhile, so enjoy that fast food job while trying to attend school. You'll be forced into programs that you have to attend weekly, usually its 2 or 3, where you sit around and listen to people talk about how bad their lives are and how much better <whatever god they have> made them while they try to convert you.

During this time you can apply for special consideration financial aid. You have adequate proof that you are an independent adult through homelessness and living in transitional housing and they can award you financial aid. All you have to do is destroy your entire life, or work with what you have now. I've never made more than 11k/year and I found a way to afford my psych because it was either that or end up in a gutter.

[AdminAssistant]

Taboo,

Do your profs know what's going on? I know you mentioned having breakdowns in class. Seriously, sit down with your professors and let them know that you're having trouble. Since you're so close to graduation, they'll probably do a lot to help you, since it is most definitely in the interest of the college to have you graduate on time. (The current academic obsessions are graduation rates and average time to graduation). If they dick you around, move up the chain of command. Get help to get your piece of paper so that you can live independently of your father.

[emax4]

I agree that it's borderline for nonprofessionals to post medical advice.

If it helps any, my parents were there for me physically but not emotionally. My girlfriend goes on about in-service days & how her parents would go to the school to get info on her, from grade school to high school, yet my parents only did it in grade school for me, and I thought my upbringing was normal.

Let it be known that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And I'm not saying this to make light of your issues, but there are other people in the world who have it worse off than you. What i mean is, in spite of your situation, you still have it much better than others, so you're ahead of the game!