unending anger

[Midnight12]

all right. here is the latest heavy handed mood swing issue
unending anger. and I try, I try so hard to bury it or put it aside until I can deal with it. Or do something constructive, or unleash it on my counselor in words only or something....its like a fountain, a broken one in which the anger keeps gushing forth and on an on and it spreads everywhere on me, and anything someone does even if the nicest of gestures just makes me more angry to the point it is ever consuming.

and i know the moment i open my mouth or do something in which i feel my anger is justified i will be near instantly proven wrong. It plays with the guilt in my head that i have no right to be this way, it drains me, everything aches and I can barely function. I make myself get up and go and take care of daughter.
the last few days have just been a slap in the face and it hurt....people i thought cared just don't or i somehow pissed them off for them to react this way

so instead of playing blame game or ignore you - ignore me or whatever (or worse get called or texted hay i'mma get drunk....yeah good for you enjoy your hang over) I just did nothing, no chores got done, only those that needed it. I did not do well when family came to visit thus the lovely little posts on fratching. i am just...so angry and it seeps out in this post.
I even tried to write something to chill and post it here and that almost failed.

the only thing i can think of is to shut myself from all so no one gets hurt but me because i like self destruction that way.

[Whiskey]

You have to find the root of your anger. That can take a very, very long time and generally requires someone who is trained to help the process. Until that root is found and appropriately dealt with, you have to find coping mechanisms that work for you in dealing with your current anger. You either deal with it or it will consume every aspect of your life. Its a process. A very, very slow process, but its a process that has to happen.

[Midnight12]

maybe i want it to consume me. even though i have a child that depends on me. the horrible thoughts about her make me think its not safe for me to be around her anymore

[Whiskey]

You don't. If you did, you wouldnt post this thread, you'd just be consumed with rage somewhere doing whatever it is that entails.

If you think you're a danger to yourself or your child, even in the most remote way, you need to call someone right now and get checked in for a mental health evaluation.

[Midnight12]

yeah that failed horribly last time. they didn't keep me long. although that was two years ago. i've written this whole episode down as proof to my counselor who still thinks i'm ok and don't need meds. uh huh. right. i have raging mood swings that even my hubs fears me now and thats not ok.

i'm going to sign off and attend to making daughter smile before i blow up at more people cause i already did to three

[Rapscallion]

Feel free to blow up at me if you need to. My inbox is open. Well, for another two to three hours it is.

Rapscallion

[KiaKat]

How old is your daughter?

Is it possible that all of your recent problems are a form of Post-Partum Depression?

Has this come up as a possibility in counseling?

[Midnight12]

she is 10 months
i don't know anymore.
part of the anger comes from being in this house. from nothing really getting accomplished from wanting a job and getting the run around
from having a budget and having that budget just be blown through by everyone else since because we make the money its all on us
i feel like a hobo because my shirts have holes and stains in them and i have had to wait months, MONTHS to MAYBE get ONE new item of clothing. hubs got me some new shirts that were on sale and bless him, but they were too small and in no way would ever fit my frame. so its like why....
and no matter how much i try i can't lose weight so to make it go away i went and bought a cheap pack and smoked half already. thankfully there will not be booze in this house anytime soon as FIL forbids it

[Seshat]

It almost sounds like you're going through the stages of grief. Depression being one, anger being one. You're probably processing the traumas you mentioned earlier (in another thread).

Anger can be vented in art, just as depression can. (As in, painting/drawing, music, dance, etc.) It can also be vented usefully in such tasks as getting the kitchen TOTALLY clean, or finally scrubbing that stain off the wall, or getting the weeds out of a garden.
It can be vented by beating up on a punching bag, or taking all the cushions off the couch (or pillows off a bed) and getting them thoroughly fluffed (punch the hell out of them).
It can be vented by yelling, ranting, raving. To a wall, or a photograph, or to someone who understands and won't take it personally.

If you found the painting helped for depression, try making jagged paintings (or crayon/coloured pencil drawings) in reds and oranges and blacks.

[Aethian]

Also does sound like Post Partnum Depression. Seems to me i read that somewhere, sometime ago that the lovely effects of PPD can show up well into the kids toddler years.

[BarbieGirl]

Also, if you're using any birth control that could be part of the problem. I had the mirena IUD after my 2nd son. And it took a few months before I started noticing all the problems from it. But a big one was the mood swings, I went from apathetic to massively pissed off. hope everything turns around for you soon!

[Cazzi]

Also does sound like Post Partnum Depression. Seems to me i read that somewhere, sometime ago that the lovely effects of PPD can show up well into the kids toddler years.

Agreed (from personal experience), mine went undiagnosed for about 4 years, got worse with my 2nd, which is when I was diagnosed.

Not going to add any advice here as there are more people who know what they are talking about than me. My coping mechanism at the time was to throw things (out of range of people) and punch soft furnishings; then I discovered first person shooters
It took my ex moving out or me to realise the main cause of my frustration & anger though!

Sending lots of and adding myself to the list of people you can PM if you want to vent

[Midnight12]

thank you
in response to BarbieGirl i had to stop with birth control as my doctor decided to CHANGE hospitals on me and I can no longer afford it (working on that one lets not go there right now)

i figured the birth control pills kept me sane but made me a bit...numb and shortened my monthlies which was great. yeah not so much anymore. i maybe grieving but over what i have no clue.

[Mikkel]

i figured the birth control pills kept me sane but made me a bit...numb and shortened my monthlies which was great. yeah not so much anymore. i maybe grieving but over what i have no clue.

If birth control pills helped you, it sounds as if it is partly hormonal. Your doctor may be able to suggest some tests or pills you can afford.
I hope you'll find a way to cope and feel better soon .

[Midnight12]

as I mentioned "my doctor" left and went elsewhere with little to no notice. and until i can get a steady job than the occasional commissions and afford insurance then I am SOL

i found one of my anger sources. there is and always will be a constant one, my father. but his brother, my uncle basically put the ONE good person that always listened to me in an assisted living home and no one but his happy ass can go see her as no one else is on the list, or knows the secret word to get in so. great. and she doesn't even know about her grandchild, my daughter.
Out of the entire side of dad's family her and papa were always there for me and listened. And the only people I truly mourn for on that side of the family as the rest are monsters. They knew nothing of the lies my father told and I'm sure they all lied to grandmother too. She is being well taken care of but I didn't know until months AFTER. So she NEVER got my letters.