unending anger

[trailerparkmedic]

If you want to get back on birth control, go to Planned Parenthood. Bring proof of your income and they will work with you. They have been very helpful when I haven't had insurance.

[Midnight12]

hahaha. planned parenthood? HERE? closest is baton rouge. not laughing at you but the fact i live in an area that frowns upon planned parenthood for certain things people THINK they do or used to do.
sigh. yeah two hour drive....maybe
and i say that because hubs won't go two hours just for that. which annoys me but thats his stance on it

[Midnight12]

this is obviously a joke to some people back home.

in a fit of rage because we have to save money so it can be spent on useless shit I said fine i don't need a damn haircut. pulled my hair back and cut it in front of everyone and told them here you throw it away because i obviously don't do a good enough job cleaning because the house is always a fucking mess

i stopped doing laundry and dishes because NO ONE ELSE helps me try and keep it clean just a little bit. yes i'm here all day but what the hell do you think i do all day nothing? you must be effed in the head.

and this is directed at the people in my house who think i have all this time in the world to loaf. no i try and get comp time AFTER main things are done and the majority of it i end up leaving the screen not five minutes on because someone needs something or lisa is crying. i finally said its my time, you effing do it or are your hands broken

I have never snapped this much. i want to go home. i miss being sane, i miss not caring this much and being laid back. what the hell happened
and no i really don't care that my hair is now a good mess, i will tomorrow probably but for now, f**k it

[Aethian]

Sweetheart you need a good long screaming cry right now. Find someplace you can do that and let loose a good one. And if you would like a sympathetic ear I can pm you my cell number. And if there isn't money in the budget for a haircut then make a budget and prove that there is money for YOU to get what YOU need.

[Midnight12]

and its PMDD...and possible thyroid issues as i shouldn't be able to run my fingers from bangs to back and have many strands come out. and this was before I cut my hair and I do shampoo daily with garnier or on occasion pert for dandruff as my scalp is strange at times so i believe it may be a thyroid related.
and i believe this as one of the doctors i used to go to when living back in texas believed this after doing what tests she could before closing up her practice without warning

[Midnight12]

went from being cold inside (different post in life advice) to undending anger to just the bottom dropping out on me without warning and i either want to sit here and do nothing or think about the s word that ends with ide
oh i called my support peoples. my fail safes are not working. the things i can do or use in my "wellness toolbox" aren't helping i cannot even stand to be around someone long enough for hugs. not even hugging lisa. omg i loathe this feeling

there is a tightness in my chest over the breastbone (no its not a heart issue or i wouldn't be here) and its settled deep within. someone here posted that the way i am going or describing things sounds like I am grieving. (i'm sorry i forget names and will look for who posted it later)
if i'm grieving then what the hell over? trying to pick myself up. very difficult as emotionally its like being in the dark and i cannot even see where i am.
the kind of despair i felt when i had come home with daughter and i didn't like that feeling i wanted it gone and i pushed it away. now....not so much

i believe this is where i start desperate calling/texting people to put me on watch even though i may not actively start trying, but the fact that that dark thought about it has come about. yeah the word itself is a trigger for me. not a big one but i don't like saying it. it wouldn't be the first failed attempt. but i want it to not get there either

[trailerparkmedic]

someone here posted that the way i am going or describing things sounds like I am grieving. (i'm sorry i forget names and will look for who posted it later)
if i'm grieving then what the hell over?

You mentioned something in your depressed thread about something that you can't bear to think about that has deeply hurt you. Perhaps you are grieving about that, or something that took from you (like your innocence)?

PM me if you want my phone number to talk or text. I'm available whenever you need to talk/rant and rave/have someone on the other end of the phone.

[Seshat]

It was me, and that's despair.

I don't know what you're grieving about, but you're going through stages, and it really does sound as if your mind is processing something. It may not even be something your subconscious is ready to tell your conscious mind about yet.

If I'm right, each stage will pass. In its own time, in its own way.

The tightness in the chest is just another symptom of the grief. Again, it will pass.

If you want help, counsellors, psychologists, some doctors, and most ministers of religion (any religion) study grief, and how to help people through it.

[Magpie]

went from being cold inside (different post in life advice) to undending anger to just the bottom dropping out on me without warning and i either want to sit here and do nothing or think about the s word that ends with ide

The first part is actually a good sign. The most effective anti-depressants that my one friend was on also resulted in him being angry all the time, but it was more that he's a very angry person, and depression blocked that out too.

The second part, not to sound cliche, isn't. PM me if you need someone to talk to, please? I'm very good at listening.

[Midnight12]

i am ok. those thoughts are done i finally got my a med in
on paxil which has helped before. the only difference is that it would help keep me sane or calm but with the negativeness it just makes me sleepy as i feel paxil brings me down a bit (in a good way). well when you're already in tailspin and numb its sleep so i slept alot yesterday

talking to my circle of friends aka circle of support people. thank you for everyone who has offered to talk/listen/text something to keep busy is the adjustment period from the carseat to the new convertible carseat.
Lisa doesn't take well to new things and its going to take a bit to get her used to the new carseat as she is very sensitive to touching new things. as in hey this is a new sensation well i don't think i like this = cry fit sometimes

[Mishi]

Lisa doesn't take well to new things and its going to take a bit to get her used to the new carseat as she is very sensitive to touching new things. as in hey this is a new sensation well i don't think i like this = cry fit sometimes

Sounds like a slight sensory processing issue - if you're feeling up to it, try her out with some cornflour finger paints, here's a recipe: http://www.fun-baby-games-online.com...nt-recipe.html but adjust colour for allergies and skip the soap powder because she'll probably try to eat it. Playing with squishy/sandy/fluffy stuff regularly will help a lot with the "Eeeep, new sensation!" *starts screaming*, as will lumpy/roughly chopped cooked foods and raw vegies (depending on amount of teeth). That's ALL I learnt from my mother, the OT.

[Midnight12]

Lisa has the combined skin sensitivity that her parents have plus the fact that a baby's skin is more sensitive than an adults as little to no pain tolerance is built up. It may be the sense of touch but I also believe she is like her mother. Hey this is a new thing, its for my benefit but it means change i don't like change, screw that.
Thats how I was, i worked on accepting change in general.
And then throw in the teething pain so its just overload I believe.
She did take to the new chair on the second day. I think it was just the whole hey i'm sitting up. do not want! I don't know. but right now I'm going to kick some behind and hide some game consoles... AGAIN

[AccountingDrone]

Lisa has the combined skin sensitivity that her parents have plus the fact that a baby's skin is more sensitive than an adults as little to no pain tolerance is built up. It may be the sense of touch but I also believe she is like her mother. Hey this is a new thing, its for my benefit but it means change i don't like change, screw that.
Thats how I was, i worked on accepting change in general.
And then throw in the teething pain so its just overload I believe.
She did take to the new chair on the second day. I think it was just the whole hey i'm sitting up. do not want! I don't know. but right now I'm going to kick some behind and hide some game consoles... AGAIN

Try microfiber throws/fabric wherever possible... I have supersensitive skin right now because of chronic pain hypering my nerve endings [and it is not neuropathy, the neurologist checked me out already] and I can't sleep sometimes, unless I use microfiber bed sheets so everything i come into contact with is soft and fluffy. I swear it is worse than Princess and the Pea =(

[Midnight12]

i use fleece and cotton no silk or anything else. so far she seems fine with that.
it was going from this cotton infant/baby car seat to this plush feeling sit up car seat. now it just makes her sleepy and i believe she finds that acceptable

and i'min the bracket that microfiber is out of my range for a while...we be poor

[Magpie]

I hope writing that story helped.