I'm going to slap her.

[Red_Dazes]

So my good friend... K.... who I consider one of my best friends... just called me a few hours ago, mostly drunk...and confessed to me that she has been cheating on her husband with our friend A...for the last month.


......I am really pissed. I can't even convey to you how mad I am right now. Mad and hurt. I have been friends with K for a long time, and I don't know her hubby very well, but I know him well enough to know he is a great guy who thinks she hung the moon and who does NOT deserve to be lied to.

...I can't say I am really surprised, I had my suspicions...she has been unhappy with her marriage for a while and wishing she hadn't gotten married at twenty. And there was a drunken kiss between her and A a long time ago. But no matter how much I love the girl I can't find it in myself to justify this as okay. It's not... in any way to me.

Not only that.. .but she has been using me to help her lie to her man. Saying she is staying at my place when she is over at A's.

I did some crying earlier, because I already know what I have to say when I talk to her tomorrow... and I am upset because if I know K, it is not going to end well. And I called my best friend from Cali and talked to her for an hour, because she has always been my voice of reason and is always able to calm me down.

I am upset now. Sick to my stomach, and mad as hell. I'm not gonna tell her husband, it's not my place...at least not yet. But I am not going to lie to him either if he asks me.

I just had to get it off my chest... because I logged onto my facebook a few minutes ago and saw a post A made and had to log out because I almost typed "You fucking bastard, how could you let K put herself in that kind of situation... I thought you were supposed to be one of the good guys. You know she is married, you know Jim. You little prick."

...and that would solve nothing right now.

....I'm just trying to prepare myself for the possibility I might lose a friend tomorrow because of what I have to tell her...and I don't have that many friends. But I can't just NOT say something to her, because if I don't it will be worse in the end.
It's too late to just say "not my problem" cause in my opinion she made it my problem when she used me to lie about it.

Sometimes you have to be a shoulder to cry on...and sometimes you have to be the swift kick in the ass. right?

I don't know. I guess I'm just looking for some advice. How would you guys handle this?

[Mishi]

Well, try not to slap her for one.

Seriously though, let her know how offended you are by her actions and let her know that it's not okay to do this to you and to her husband. Being someone's friend doesn't mean that you have to cover their ass for them when they're cheating. Try to remain calm for as long as possible so that she can't think "Oh she's just saying that because she's upset. When she calms down, everything will be back to normal."

Hope it goes as well as it possibly can.

[Solumina]

She knows that what she is doing is wrong, otherwise she wouldn't have drunkenly confessed it to you. Don't be mad (or at least don't show it) and don't chastise her but talk with her honestly about how she can't keep doing this. Obviously she isn't happy in her marriage but she either needs to work on it with her husband or look into separating from him.

Chances are that she does think of her husband as a good man and a good provider, which is why she is still married to him, but that a strong emotional connection is missing so she is filling that emotional void with someone else. Most people don't cheat because they are bored or because their spouse is bad in bed, they cheat because there is something missing in their marriage but there is enough there that they want to keep. You need to convince her that it is possible and far better to have one solid, complete relationship because she will never be happy having to hide a part of her life from her husband.

Infidelity is a lot more common than most people think and it isn't generally someone having a fling and their spouse never finding out about it. Most of the time the spouse does find out but if they are dedicated to their marriage then they can work through it and fix whatever it was they drove them to cheat in the first place. Honesty and open communication is the only way for her to move forward, with or without her husband.

[ArcticChicken]

If I were you I would sit her down, face-to-face, and have a talk.

I would tell her that I am not comfortable having this knowledge, and that I feel that she is making a mistake by cheating.

I would tell her that while I won't be telling Jim, I will not lie to him if he asks, and I feel that she should talk to him, I believe that he will inevitably find out, and it will be better for everyone involved if they seek counseling and decide what they want to do about her marriage.

I would also tell her that if she uses me as an alibi again, I will be telling Jim, immediately.

[taxguykarl]

I agree with ArcticChicken on this one. Don't volunteer what you know about this affair.

[Red_Dazes]

I had a long talk with her about how this whole thing made ME feel, and offered some stern advice.

She listened to me and told her husband about it, and it went surprisingly well. He doesn't want her hanging out with A ever again, unless there are a lot of us around, and they decided to keep it quiet from the rest of our friends. Most of whom really like A.

Her and I went out late last night and had some coffee and talked about it all, she knows where she stands with me now so that is good.

[tropicsgoddess]

I'm glad it went well and I hope that things will end up working out with K and her husband.

[Solumina]

Yeah I'm glad that she kind of saw the light. I just hope that she and her husband are working on the reason she cheated in the first place and not in denial thinking that it was temporary insanity and won’t happen again, it may not ever happen again but that doesn’t mean that the problem was fixed. They don't need marriage counseling but you may want to mention it to her as it could be very helpful, or even her going on her own because she honestly may have no idea why she cheated, which makes it hard to fix.

[Red_Dazes]

Yeah I mentioned a marriage counselor, or at least one of the free relationship courses a local group offers out here. The Beau and I took one and it really helped us get along... plus it is free and they feed you.... win win.

[blas]

It's really hard being friends with a cheater.

[Jester]

It's really hard being friends with a cheater.

I have been friends with cheaters, though I myself don't believe in that kind of behavior.

Here's my view on it, and how I would have handled it were it me.

I would have told her that I don't like that she is cheating on her husband, but that is between her and her husband.

I would have told her if she feels the need to cheat on her husband, obviously there is something going on there or missing in her marriage, but that also is between her and her husband.

I would make it abundantly clear, however, that when she uses me as an alibi to her husband to cover her cheating, that is without question not acceptable to me, that I would not help her lie to her husband if he ever asked me about it, and if she ever did it again, I would without question tell her husband about it, and that she would have no one to blame but herself for putting me in that horrible position.

I don't like cheating, but I have been friends with cheaters.

I can't stand lying, and anyone who is my friend knows that. And they also know that lying to me is the quickest way to become my ex-friend. Lying is the number one thing I despise within a romantic relationship, and any girl that has ever dated me for longer than 8 minutes absolutely knows that.

Her propensity for lying, to me and everyone else, about everything, her utter and complete falseness and deviousness and manipulativeness....these are the things that truly made me loathe That Vile Woman. The rest of it was just icing on the cupcake.