Rules for Brother in Law

[trailerparkmedic]

Brother in law (BIL) is 23 and lives with my mother in law (MIL). MIL is worried about losing the house and we've agreed to take in BIL if the ONLY other option is that he'll be homeless.

BIL does not have a job. He was in the military, then left early with his GI bill, then lost his GI bill so all he does is sit at home, play video games, and fight for his GI bill benefits (been doing so for almost a year). He hasn't held a job in close to two years and doesn't really seem interested in getting one.

In the event that BIL comes to live with my husband and I, we've decided that he will sign an agreement with us before he even comes to town (he'd be moving from a few hours away). We've already decided upon the following rules.
-BIL will start to look for work immediately
-he will be kicked out if he does not find a job within X months (there are jobs in our area; temp and part time jobs are ok)
-he will learn to drive if necessary to get to his new job (he's welcome to use my car if he pays his insurance and allows me to use it 1 day a week next semester)
-he will do household chores as assigned (probably dishes, vacuuming and keeping his room neat-ish; he will not be expected to be our slave)
-he will contribute a specific amount or percentage of his paycheck to household finances once he gets a job (within reason; we don't expect him to pay tons of rent but he should be pitching in for his share of the groceries, electric and water bills, etc)
-he will be very considerate towards my schedule and need for sleep and study time at random hours, especially if I have to work night shift next semester
-he can have friends/women over as he wishes as long as he respects Husband and I's schedules, is responsible for their behavior, and there is no drug use or any underage drinking or sex. (Friend just drank a case of soda? Better buy us a new one!)
-he will have a finite time to get on his feet; we will do what we can to help but don't want him living with us for 3 years

Are any of our rules too strict? What would you add? Husband's relationship with his family is strained. We are willing to give BIL a chance but not let him walk over us.

[Mishi]

Those are very fair rules, I'd just make sure that he realises that the no drugs rule applies to him as well, not just to his friends.

We had to kick my B-I-L out on Wednesday for breaking a very similar list of rules (3 of them at once actually) so I hope things work out a lot better for your family.

[Amina516]

I agree that it is a very fair list.

HOWEVER, listening to your description of him..I do not have much hope. I know to many people like him to know that it wont work out.

BUT.. I WILL cross my fingers for ya! I really hope that if you take him in, he straightens up his act. Maybe you will be the turning point that he needs.

[Treasure]

-he can have friends/women over as he wishes as long as he respects Husband and I's schedules, is responsible for their behavior, and there is no drug use or any underage drinking or sex. (Friend just drank a case of soda? Better buy us a new one!)

i presume this means no sex w/ underage females - with him being 23 that would be 17... that's 6 yrs younger... i can see 19 yr olds maybe...

any way...


all of these seem fair, but once he gets a job, and you know how much he's going to be paid then i would establish how much paid.... if you want 200/mo from him but he gets paid weekly get 50/paycheck from him.... my mom wants a certain amount of rent from me every month - but its up to me how i pay it..

[Becks]

More than fair.

[poofy_puff]

The rules sound fair, but the arrangement as a whole has "FAIL" written all over it.

If you need THAT many rules for things that should be common-sense/common-courtesy, I can tell you right now this is going to be one of those "no good deed goes unpunished" type of scenarios.

[It's me]

Don't just insist he has a job after X months.... you need to see evidence that he actively seeking a job every single week. And you need to be confident that he does not just make stuff up to keep you off his back.

[Mondestrucken]

Very fair.

My only suggestion: since BIL has been allowed to slide for so long, he is going to think that the slide has moved in as well.

I would also set up planned "family meetings" monthly. Mostly to discuss things like the job search: Any progress? How is he looking?

Make it clear that you are doing this, because he is now one month closer to the deadline where he HAS to move out, no exceptions or excuses.

[Crescent Cat]

I agree. Those rules are very fair. I've known a really flaky person in the past that was very lazy and never wanted to look for a job but always whined about how she was going to lose her apartment.

I agreed to help her out and once I set some rules with her she complied and was rather courteous. So it really depends on the person. Sometimes a person needs to have a fire lit under his ass to shape up.

[blas]

I'd say those rules are too lax. Knowing what my bf's brother has gotten away with, if you try to be lenient, they'll just take advantage of it.

[Andara Bledin]

This will most likely go one of two ways.

He could be like my brother, who is an utter leach because he got away with being a leach for much of his life. He only really started taking care of his own shit when there was nobody at all left to help him out.

Or, he could be like a friend's cousin. He, too, was allowed to get away with murder, but not due to coddling so much as apathy from his parents. They never set any real boundaries for him, so he had no idea how to cope in the real world. The friend took over and laid out some fair but unwavering rules and enforced them and meted out punishments as appropriate. It took some months of work on everybody's part, but the kid (a teen in high school at the time) learned how to behave in a civilized and responsible manner.

I wish you much luck in this. I know what it's like to not want to allow someone else to fail when you have the means to give them a hand up.

Just make sure that you get your hand back.

^-.-^

[trailerparkmedic]

I don't think that some of the rules are necessary, but if we're going to have BIL sign an agreement, it will include everything we can think of just in case.

Neither my husband or I are really optimistic about the whole thing working out, but we feel like we owe BIL is shot. He did do well in the military, when he was told what to do, and one of the reasons he doesn't do anything right now is because my mother in law doesn't care or push him to do anything. MIL can't even hold down a job, so it's not like BIL has had great role models.

Thank you for the suggestion about weekly updates on the job hunt and the monthly meetings. That sounds like a very good idea, especially if we all end up on separate schedules and rarely see each other.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I'm not speaking as to whether the rules are fair or not. It doesn't matter if they are or aren't, as either way, he's going to wipe his ass on them.

Don't let him move in. He's not a child, he's a grown ass man. Why are you all bending over to take care of this guy? Maybe he NEEDS to be homeless for a bit, so he can get a taste of what happens when an able bodied grown ass man refuses to act like a grown ass man.

He wants to be a bum, he can be homeless. Lots of bums are.

You aren't responsible for this guy. And acting like you are is not going to help him, it's going to enable him.

[Rapscallion]

A thought type thing.

MIL is worried about losing her house. Where is she going to live? I'd suggest she'd be a better housemate.

Rapscallion

[Jester]

...there is no drug use or any underage drinking or sex.

I assume by this that you mean no underaged drinking or sex with those under the legal age, NOT no underaged drinking and no sex with anyone. Because, since he is an adult single male, that would be a bit extreme.

That being said, I think your rules are fair. He is being given an opportunity, and he can either take advantage of it and improve his situation, or, as many here seem to think he will, he can piss it away and continue to go nowhere, other than out in the street.

In addition to requiring he have a job within a reasonable time period, I would suggest making a point of telling him that if he is not making a clear effort to find work, his time window for living in your place will be shortened severely. In other words, let's say you tell him he has 3 months to find a job or he's out. If in the first month he makes little or no effort to find said job, out the door he goes.

The bottom line with him should be simple: your house, your rules, and if he doesn't abide by them, he's going to get very wet when it rains.

My suggestion for standard roommate rules from my years of living with other people:

--Always lock the door when you leave or come in.
--Always pick up after yourself in the common area.
--In your room, you can be a slob, but not a pig. There's a difference between being untidy and being filthy. If the rest of the house can smell your room, you are not simply being untidy.
--If you have a landline phone, whoever answers it should always take messages for others in the house when the call is for them and they are not there. In the Age of the Cell Phone, this is not as important as it used to be, but it still can be annoying if not done.
--An appropriate share of the housework.
--An appropriate share of the grocery and utility bills should be paid by him.
--Don't leave the fucking fridge open.
--Don't leave the fucking lights on when you leave a room.
--Don't forget to fucking flush. (Thank you Mr. Anti-Social for reminding me of THAT one tonight! Grrr....)
--If you drink my case of Bud, buy me a new case of Bud. Etc., etc.
--Clean up after yourself in the kitchen. Eggshell is a color of paint. It should not be a style of tile.
--If you borrow my books/tools/CD's/DVD's/video games/jigsaw puzzles/bullwhips/handcuffs/Cowgirl Barbie with Dream Ranch House/Debbie Loves Dallas Lego Set, put ithem/it back where you found them/it when you're through.
--Having people over occasionally is fine. Transforming the house into a 24/7 Delta House is not. Especially since the BIL is on double secret probation. Drunk, fat, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
--Having the occasional woman overnight is fine. More power to you! But they are GUESTS, not new TENANTS. Morning comes, she goes.

Good luck with this. The odds are against this working out, but I hope for his sake and your sanity it does.

Now, where were those Legos.......?