Dealing with my own polyamory

[McGoddess09]

I really hate myself sometimes. I really hate my own inability to just like/love just one person. I hate being wired this way in a society that says that I can only be with one person.

It's not that I don't like my boyfriend. I really do. I just like a few other people too. Just tonight, I told a friend of mine that I have a crush on him because I have had a crush on him for a while.

I am also getting frustrated due to lack of sexual chemistry my boyfriend and I have. Over the summer, I had a FWB and him and I had complete compatibility in the bedroom. I just can't find that with my current boyfriend.

Every person fulfills some part of me, but I can't find one person who fulfills all of me. My boyfriend fulfills my romantic side. My friend J, fulfilled my carnal side. My friend that I mentioned always makes me feel great about myself and makes me laugh. I always have a great time with him. Another friend of mine fulfills my need for stability. Another friend is here at school and always comforts me when I need him.

FML. I needed to get this off my chest because this isn't something I can talk to my BF about. He does not understand these types of things and would think that I am unhappy with him, which I am not. JUST UGH!

Can anyone else relate?

[Seshat]

Yes, absolutely.

I have my husband, and my wife, and each satisfies different needs. Unfortunately for me, my wife is even more poly than I am, and I have to deal with jealousy a fair bit.


In my case, I was the monogamous-trained one in our family. Fortunately for them, I turned out to be naturally poly once the idea sort of gelled. I don't know how to explain it to someone who's naturally monogamous, though.

I need my loves to be careful to let me know they love me, especially when they (usually she) has been away a fair bit. I have to KNOW she's coming home to me - that HERE is her home, and WE are her family.

[Andara Bledin]

I can totally relate to the polyamory issue.

I am extremely fortunate, however, that I found someone who is compatible with me in pretty much every way, including being polyamorous himself.

My default attitude towards most people has always been to view every new acquaintance as a potential bff/lover until I get to know them. Needless to say, this made things pretty awkward for me when I was younger and didn't really have a handle on how to not be seen as a bit creepy by others.

Please don't hate yourself over being wired outside of what is currently considered socially accepted behavior. The blame belongs with society, not you.

Have a *hug*. It sounds like you could use one.

^-.-^

[AdminAssistant]

I needed to get this off my chest because this isn't something I can talk to my BF about. He does not understand these types of things and would think that I am unhappy with him, which I am not.

I want you to read this sentence again. And again. And again. If you can't talk to him about your sexual identity (whatever it is), then you shouldn't be with him. Relationships require honesty and an ability to have frank discussions about very serious matters. Don't hide who you are from him, because that isn't fair to him. Let him decide if he wants to be with someone who also wants to be with someone else.

[McGoddess09]

I've already told him about my pansexuality. He doesn't understand it, but he accepts it. It's not that I am afraid to tell him because he will be angry, I'm afraid that he won't be able to understand it, as in, it will confuse him and make him think that I am not happy with him.

[AdminAssistant]

I really don't think you're giving him enough credit. You may already be familiar with Dan Savage, but my fiance listens to his podcasts and he deals with lots of questions about being in poly relationships. His blog: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/S...ve?oid=5135029

I also want to say: No one person will ever fulfill all of your needs, ever. Fiance doesn't know much about what I study, so I talk to friends when I want to talk about that, or vent about teaching, etc.

[shankyknitter]

First off ::

Secondly I second adminassistant, you need to tell your boy. I take it you love him, you want to be with him (yay for having someone you love!) But picture yourself 10 years from now with him. He still doesn't know and you've fallen for someone else too, you think he'd get along with them wonderfully and you want to be in a poly family with him and this new person. Trust me when I say this would be an easier conversation if you tell him now that you're poly. Rather than after you've been together forever and he thinks he knows you.

As someone building a poly family my new boy knew before asking me out that I was poly, and knew about the boy I already have (boy I already have also knows about me being poly and new boy). Its easier on all concerned if everyone knows. And who knows he may react like he did to your pansexuality, not quite understanding it but accepting it.

[McGoddess09]

I've been thinking about what you all said. Luckily, the boy and I will be seeing each other this weekend. I am going to sit him down and have the talk with him and I am going to have to be blunt about it (because that's how he likes being told things).

I wouldn't describe my feelings for my boyfriend as love, since we haven't been going out very long. I like him a lot.

[Green_Fairy]

i totally understand your frustration. i'm poly and The Boy isn't. well...he...we have a weird relationship. we're still working on it. but every relationship, poly or not, requires work. and i'm glad you're talking to your boy this weekend. good luck and keep us updated!

[Plaidman]

I can totally relate to the polyamory issue.

I am extremely fortunate, however, that I found someone who is compatible with me in pretty much every way, including being polyamorous himself.

My default attitude towards most people has always been to view every new acquaintance as a potential bff/lover until I get to know them
^-.-^

i totally understand your frustration. i'm poly and The Boy isn't. well...he...we have a weird relationship. we're still working on it. but every relationship, poly or not, requires work. and i'm glad you're talking to your boy this weekend. good luck and keep us updated!

Heeeeeeeey..... how YOU two doing?

Yeah. Talk to the boy. Honestly is usually the best policy. He may not /get/ it, but just stress that it isn't something your unhappy about him with, but something you want to work on with. There is a difference in the two.

[McGoddess09]

So today, I was talking with the Boy on the phone. I decided that it was the best time to tell him about being poly.

So I told him and then I explained what it was. I also told him that it did not mean that I am not happy with him. I also told him that I will respect that he will want an exclusive relationship and I will not go and be in other relationships. I did tell him about how I do like a few of my guy friends and he is fine with that.

In fact, he is doing research on it so he can also understand on top of being accepting.

I feel so much better now.

[shankyknitter]

See? Got yourself all worked up but it worked out in the end. I'd keep that one if I were you.

[Andara Bledin]

Good for you for taking the time to get it all out in the open and good for him for making the effort to know more about it.

^-.-^

[Ellain]

Holy cow! I keep running into people like me in the most unexpected places!

*steps forward*

Hi, I'm Ellain, and my husband and I are (fairly recently) poly. I have 2 boyfriends, which I am finding is a lot when you have to drive to a different city every time you want to see them. My husband has gone on dates, but not yet found anyone for a relationship, poor boy.

[McGoddess09]

Ugh. Shoot me.

So one of my crushes has turned into something more. I full on like one of my guy friends. I'm having a pretty difficult time dealing with these feelings and still being with the Boy.