Question for those who are or have been divorced

[ShinyGreenApple]

There is a coworker at my Volde-Mart store that I get on with really well. It seems like he goes somewhat out of his way to stop by and see my in my area or make sure we at least have a short chat before one of us clocks out for the day, or he'll postpone his lunch hour so he can take it at the same time as me and we'll go to a burger place or something together. While he's generally friendly, easy to like and everyone gets along with him really well, I don't see him exhibiting this kind of behavior with his other work friends. I noticed he did this even more often after we were talking about kids one day, and I mentioned I really don't ever plan on having any, and he doesn't want to have anymore. I really like him and I sometimes get the impression he at least likes me a little bit outside the realm of friendship, but he hasn't 'made a move' so to speak.

He's been divorced for several years and has two children. While he adores them, he has absolutely nothing nice to say about the ex and regrets the unprotected fling he had with her at 17 that resulted in their first child and eventually, a very unhappy marriage. I'm not sure why they split, but he swears he'll never do the marriage thing ever again. While he lost pretty much everything in the divorce, he claims it was OK because he got his dignity back in the process.

So my question is, really, for those who have divorced, even if you don't plan on marrying again, will/did you let yourself have a relationship again? I know the case is different for everyone, but it seems like he's been scared off relationships quite badly and I think he might be afraid I'll want to slap the leash and collar on him the way that his ex did. Is there anything I should avoid doing? I really enjoy spending time with him and I don't want to overlook the possibility of a relationship, but if there's not one, I don't want to scare him off being a friend, either.

[trailerparkmedic]

Been divorced, now on my second marriage. After my divorce, I went through a string of bad/meaningless relationships (I had a tendency to use guys). Once I got that out of my system, I had a couple of normal (non-screwed up) relationships, then a few serious ones, and then I met the guy I'm currently with. It took me awhile to really trust people, but I can't say that there was a turning point for me, just a gradual awareness that not all people were like my ex. It helped that the main "wrong" thing in our relationship was that we rushed into marriage and we just weren't very compatible people. I also did a lot of soul searching to figure out what I had done wrong in the marriage (at first I was totally blaming him for everything), which was about the time I stopped screwing up my relationships, so I guess that's probably related too.

TL;DR: Had issues after my divorce, worked through them in a rather messy way and am happily married again.

[Andara Bledin]

Well, I'm a bad example, because there was nothing negative about my marriage to bring about the divorce. There just stopped being a relationship, so we split.

My boyfriend's mother had a bad breakup with his father and swore never to marry again. She went through several relationships, including one with a man that she would have stayed with if he hadn't insisted that they should get married. She dumped him. She later met someone else that she was very happy to be with, and they've been married for years, now.

My aunt, however, was in the "never married again" camp, and she ended up getting together with a gentleman of the same disposition. The saw each other for several years until he finally succumbed to cancer. I'm not sure if she dates, currently, but I know she still won't get married again.

^-.-^

[ShinyGreenApple]

Somewhat of an update -

After seeming like he was giving me the cold shoulder for a month or so, Friend has started asking me to stop by his department and let him know when my breaks and lunches are so he can have them with me. Also if he knows I'm on lunch either alone or with a good friend/coworker from my department, he always tags along if our hours are compatible. Last week he not only brought up the fact that the 12 was going to be my birthday, but said he wanted us to go out together sometime over the weekend. We made plans for Saturday night but he had a family thing come up and sent me multiple messages saying that I could meet him on his lunch break at noon instead, so I went ahead and went. It was just like it always is with us, excepting the fact that he paid. I did tell him I hoped our friend didn't make him uncomfortable because she'd teased him the day before about taking me out, and he said he didn't care if rumors got started about us because I'm not married and especially not married to another employee like his rumor problem last fall that almost lost him his job. (A kid in his department thought it'd be funny if he told other employees that Friend was screwing a married coworker). Before he went back to work he mentioned he was eager for summer to get here so he could spend his days off at the river, and that he wants me to come with him.

Does it seem like he's just gotten really comfortable with me as a friend or could there be something more?

[Taboo]

Sounds like he's interested. He's talking about doing something with you and just you, rather than a group of friends, at a future date and he's taking you to meals. I'd say there's potential there, especially if he's remembering your birthday.

Do you want to be married some day? Is it a requirement for you in a long-term relationship? If so, I wouldn't advise dating him. He may or may not change his mind about that, but if he does, it has to happen on his own time (and he might feel pressured by knowing the person he was with wanted to, even if they weren't actually putting any pressure on him). Just something to think about. Otherwise, hey, enjoy the ride and see where it goes.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Do yourself a favor and ask him about his other girlfriends, too, and see if they were all bitches and psychos. If they all were, that's a red flag. I don't trust people who go on and on and on about what a bitch or pig their ex was. At one point, they didn't think that about them, so, good to find out what gives.

Also, there aren't too many adults our there who have not had a bad relationship. That whole "I have been hurt before so I can't get close to anyone" thing is tired. Yeah, yeah. Who hasn't been hurt?

There are so many people out there who like to think that "all serious relationships suck" or "marriage is terrible" because THEIRS didn't work out.

[ShinyGreenApple]

Do you want to be married some day? Is it a requirement for you in a long-term relationship? If so, I wouldn't advise dating him. He may or may not change his mind about that, but if he does, it has to happen on his own time (and he might feel pressured by knowing the person he was with wanted to, even if they weren't actually putting any pressure on him). Just something to think about. Otherwise, hey, enjoy the ride and see where it goes.

My thoughts and feelings on the matter have changed so drastically in the last couple of years. I was raised baptist and used to buy into the whole "I'll just get a job and wait to meet someone nice and then marry him and have beautiful children" plan, but I've realized that I really, really don't want that, especially not the children part. I'd probably ostracize myself from my family somewhat if I was just 'with' somebody, but personally, no, it doesn't bother me. And right now at this point I'd be willing to see where things go with Mr. Friend just for the fun of it.

The only times he gets angsty about his ex is when she's been shopping in the store and decided to try and curse him out or get a rise out of him if she saw him, or calling him up to demand money for one of the kids*

Yes, he does have two kids, 13 and 16, and he's done having kids. The idea that he'll always be Dad to them isn't one that bothers me so long as he doesn't get starry-eyed and decide that we need to cross DNA too.

My brother divorced at age 19 and hasn't been in a long-term relationship in the 16 years that have gone by. Friend must have loved his ex at one point because he literally has her initials branded (not tattooed, branded!) on his arm. He did say he wants to have a good body artist look at it and see if they can't disguise it under a different design. It seems like they were coerced into the marriage though, because her Dad was the type who thought they should because they were pregnant and thats. . . that's just what you do here in the Bible belt. It doesn't really work well that often though, unfortunately.

[Marmalady]

I would say that the huge advantage that you have over this guy's ex is that first and foremost you are friends. Not a one-night stand that ended up at the altar.

Have you ever seen the film Shenandoah? Where James Stewart is talking to the youg man who wants to marry his daughter? He asks the young man if he likes the girl, and when he says "I love her" Stewart replies "That's not what I asked. Do you like her? Because if at bottom you don't like each other, then contempt comes up with the sunrise." It sounds weird, but I know from a past experience of my own that it's quite possible to be infatuated with someone who, under other circumstances, you wouldn't even share a bus ride with.

I imagine from what you've said that this guy has felt very bruised, but has now found in yourself someone who he feels comfortable with and is gradually letting get closer. He probably wasn't even looking for anyone, but that's when these things tend to happen (says Marmalady with a big silly grin on her face........)

[ShinyGreenApple]

I wasn't looking either, to be honest. I had been for years, getting more and more frustrated, until I just gave up and decided to be happy single. Then I got hired back at my old Volde-Mart store and got pissed off all over again, simply because I didn't have good memories of the place, and it's been a complete 180 this go round. I did notice Friend and thought he was really attractive, then discovered we liked a lot of the same people on our crew and hung out in the same circle, and rather than just tolerating me because I was friend of a friend, he was genuinely nice. It's kind of just gone on from there. Then I got moved to the Pharmacy and have gotten close with some really awesome people over there, and he's friends with those friends now, too. I'm rambling now, sorry, LOL.

I was in the store today (and I'm off, ugh) and he wanted to go grab something with me but didn't want to leave his department uncovered.

[ShinyGreenApple]

Okay . . . so nine months ago he was saying he'd never get married again unless he woke up from a night of being drunk and high and found a ring on his hand. Today he was talking about how he's not been to church in a long time and "If I ever get married again I'll just go to the courthouse or get married in my yard."

Also hops online and talks for a little while and then lets me know "I'll be thinking bout ya while I'm doing yardwork tomorrow."

Um . . .

[Primer]

SGA, I'd say he's definitely interested in you. Take it slowly, and see where it goes!

[Jester]

A marriage is simply a failed relationship, but with the added bonus of being a failed legal contract.

Everyone is different. There are some people that, having been burned once, decide not to play with fire ever again.

That being said, most of the people I know who have been divorced have gone on to future relationships, sometimes resulting in marriage, sometimes not. I'd list some examples, but the list would get very, very long.

As for him saying one thing nine months ago and saying something else now, people change, and time heals wounds.

I know that immediately after my ex-fiance dumped me, I was not exactly in a dating mood. It took some time to get past that, but eventually I did, and moved on to other relationships, some good, some bad, one downright evil.

Everyone's different. And no one here can say whether or not this fellow is interested in you. He may just like to hang out with you on a friendly basis, or he may be interested in something more. You'll figure it out on your own soon enough.

[ShinyGreenApple]

So one day he not only makes a point of going to lunch with me, he pays for it. And it wasn't even my birthday this time. He's also said he likes being with me, that he considers me one of his best and closest friends because I never want anything from him, only friendship. And other days he hardly says a word to me or doesn't do much more than smile or wave.

I think I may have to kill him

[tollbaby]

I've been separated from my ex-husband for seven years and just recently got divorced this past fall. I'm currently in a long-distance relationship with a fantastic guy who's also divorced. We don't know if we'll ever get married, but we do plan on being together for a very long time. One bad relationship shouldn't sour you on the whole deal Life is a lot more fun if you take chances once in a while.

Be careful though... dating someone with children... you can get VERY attached to those kids, and then when the relationship is over.... I still miss my ex-boyfriend's kids, and we broke up years ago. (That, and steer clear if the guy badmouths his ex in front of his kids. That's just not right - my ex and I mostly get along, but we still fight sometimes - but we NEVER badmouth each other to our kids.)

[ShinyGreenApple]

Well, one thing I've learned from him is that I'm very open to being in a relationship with someone who has been married before, something I was otherwise wary off. I don't regret being his friend or really even falling for and pursuing him. Buuuuut . . . in the past month he's flaked out on me twice. Last month he was supposed to come to a coworker's party at her house, told her he'd be there, told me he'd be there on the day of when I spoke to him. Never showed up, didn't call either of us, and didn't answer our calls, either. Said the next day he 'didn't feel well' and his new phone was messing up.

Last night he was supposed to meet me and my fellow Funny Pharm coworkers at a restaurant for St. Patrick's day. Had told me the day before he'd be there. Didn't show up. Didn't call. Didn't respond to texts or calls. Really, it'd bother me a whole lot less if he just turned down the invitations instead of being a yes-man and then not bothering to show up or contact anyone. I didn't hear what the excuse was this time because I'm tired of barking up this tree; my mother and two of my close friends tell me it's time to drop him like a bad habit and find someone who won't stand me up all the time. One of said friends even went so far as to tell me where to direct my eyes while leaving the store for lunch so I wouldn't make eye contact with him I had mentioned earlier he was the last person I wanted to see, let alone speak to, I guess she took me seriously, LOL. Oh well, life goes on.