What is acceptable to expect from a partner emotionally?

[Taboo]

I'm asking because I suspect I just got dumped. Again.

I have a history of mental health issues that can be difficult to deal with, but they're mostly under control. I still have depression problems sometimes. I vent to close friends who are okay with that and/or see therapists if need be (meds have been tried but do not work for me, too many side effects). I'm functional like 98% of the time. And I've gotten really good at pulling myself out of the depression funk in a day or two, and/or faking it until I make it, so to speak.

But I feel like relationships go fine for a couple months, and then at some point when we're having one of those 'disclosing things' talks, it comes up. Just a casual "oh yeah, I had problems with this in the past, it's mostly under control but I'll let you know if anything changes, otherwise I've got a grip on it and don't really need anything from you." Then the first time I vent or anything after that, all of a sudden they act like it's some sort of huge red flag annnnnd I'm dumped because I'm 'difficult to deal with' or they 'can't do this.' And the vents are nothing different than what I'd vented about before disclosure.

Normally I'd say I'm the common denominator here and need to get my shit under control, but some of these vents and them dumping me have been on the phone while a friend was in the room or on chat, and said friend(s) have heard verbatim what happened rather than just my side of it, and have been kind of 'wtf' wondering why they'd dump me. Just normal stuff like venting that I'm frustrated with a teacher or that I'm really stuck on this one painting or something, and then all of a sudden "you're too emotional, I can't deal with this, we should stop seeing each other."

I'm starting to wonder if the common denominator is many people in their early 20's being unwilling or unable to deal with the idea of mental health issues and already being uncomfortable (but not telling me that) + event that can become convenient excuse = them overreacting and dumping me. Blergh.

I do have some depression problems. I occasionally have meltdowns. But they're private. The most I'd really say to someone who wasn't a longterm partner would be along the lines of "I'm having a rougher time this week, so let's go do something fun, okay?" and then suggest things we could both do. I just... don't feel like I'm putting any kind of huge, crushing strain on the people I date.

Am I really asking too much to be able to vent to a partner about relatively minor school-related things maybe once or twice a month? There's all sorts of other awful shit going on in my life right now as it is (mom is undergoing testing, may have cancer) and I'm not even bringing those up out of respect that it's someone I haven't been seeing very long and friends are more appropriate to vent to. So.. I feel like my boundaries are actually pretty healthy. Am I having shit luck with who I chose or am I just asking too much?''

I'm honestly getting kind of fed up with this.

[42_42_42]

Sounds to me like you've been dating boys when you need to be dating a man.

A boy:
is physically attracted to you and is only with you for superficial reasons,
bails as soon as a relationship stops being easy,
is only concerned about his own happiness.

A man:
loves and accepts you for you,
knows that relationships take effort to mantain,
is willing to do whatever it takes to make sure his partner is safe and happy.


I have general anxiety disorder and depression. Meds work for me, but I still have periodic bouts of mild depression and can have a melt-down/anxiety attack if I am stressed too much.

My husband knew all this going into our relationship and has always been extremely supportive of me. Yes, when I have a melt-down/anxiety attack it is disconcerting for him, but mostly he's worried about me and just wants me to be okay. Over the years he's gotten really good at noting the signs of impending doom and does things to relieve my stress to ward off an attack and if unable to do that is great at calming me down.

Heck, while we were engaged, and early in our marriage, my meds were not correctly balanced and I had several major melt-downs, including during out 2nd wedding reception. I even gave him back my engagement ring once and told him that he'd be better off w/o me because of my anxiety and depression problems. He put the ring back on my finger and told me he wanted to marry me and take care of me and that nothing it took to make me happy was too much trouble. He's never once in the 8 years we've been together even hinted at bailing.

I know I'm lucky to be married to such a great guy, but my point is that he's not the only one out there.

I'd say your pattern isn't you but that you've so far been dating immature, selfish jerks.

Hope that helps!

[Peppergirl]

I don't really have any advice, hon - but I just wanted to drop a line and let you know to feel free to hit me up via PM or FB if you need an ear.

[Jack T. Chance]

I'm asking because I suspect I just got dumped. Again.

...

But I feel like relationships go fine for a couple months, and then at some point when we're having one of those 'disclosing things' talks, it comes up. Just a casual "oh yeah, I had problems with this in the past, it's mostly under control but I'll let you know if anything changes, otherwise I've got a grip on it and don't really need anything from you." Then the first time I vent or anything after that, all of a sudden they act like it's some sort of huge red flag annnnnd I'm dumped because I'm 'difficult to deal with' or they 'can't do this.' And the vents are nothing different than what I'd vented about before disclosure.

...

I'm starting to wonder if the common denominator is many people in their early 20's being unwilling or unable to deal with the idea of mental health issues and already being uncomfortable (but not telling me that) + event that can become convenient excuse = them overreacting and dumping me. Blergh.

...

Am I really asking too much to be able to vent to a partner about relatively minor school-related things maybe once or twice a month? There's all sorts of other awful shit going on in my life right now as it is (mom is undergoing testing, may have cancer) and I'm not even bringing those up out of respect that it's someone I haven't been seeing very long and friends are more appropriate to vent to. So.. I feel like my boundaries are actually pretty healthy. Am I having shit luck with who I chose or am I just asking too much?''

I'm honestly getting kind of fed up with this.

First things first...



Seemed like you could use one.

Secondly... 42_42_42 is right... sounds to me like you've been dating lots of BOYS, not men. Sadly, I've had the displeasure of working with boys from your generation... they're a bunch of lazy, apathetic, good-for-nothing spoiled brats! If they behave in a relationship the way they behave at work, you're better off without them. To say that they have a lot of growing up to do would probably qualify as the understatement of the century!

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, and if they can't accept you as you are, that's their loss! There's still a few good men left in the world. You just need to find one. And there's no rush on that. It'll happen when it's meant to, and in the meantime, try to take solace in the fact that it really is better to weed out the wrong ones sooner, rather than later. You save yourself a lot of hurt that way.

Hope you're doing okay, but if you need someone to talk to, shoot me a message on PM.

[ArcticChicken]

Sounds to me like you've been dating boys when you need to be dating a man.

QFT.

I have some problems similar to yours, and my BF is the only person in the world I am entirely comfortable being sad around. He holds me until I'm done crying, and listens to me vent, in fact, he insists that I do so. He isn't scared off by my outbursts, and they've actually become less frequent in the year we've been dating, partially because when I work through something like that it doesn't fester and colour the rest of my life. (The other part is because I've been seeing a counselor, because he finally put me in a place where I feel like I deserve to feel good.)

My BF, by the way, turned 21 two months ago.

[protege]

I've found that most women don't want to know about my mental issues

[Amethyst Hunter]

I'm starting to wonder if the common denominator is many people being unwilling or unable to deal with the idea of mental health issues and already being uncomfortable (but not telling me that) + event that can become convenient excuse = them overreacting and dumping me.

Fixed for clarity, and no, it isn't you. It's them.

The mental health stigma isn't just relegated to younger people. Having dealt with it myself, I'd have to say that people of all ages still carry that myth of "mental illness/issues = psychotic loser". (Have depression issues, at least one major case of it in my life, plus ADD and probably a whole host of other things I don't yet know about...)

It's irritating as hell. But if someone can't accept you because of your internal wiring, fuck 'em. They aren't worth the trouble. (Also seconding the boy-versus-man advice.)

[RecoveringKinkoid]

If you are not sure if you've been dumped or not, you need to start dating a better caliber of men. A man does not leave such things up to conjecture. A boy, on the other hand, might.

[Taboo]

Update:

We're not breaking up though there are going to be some serious discussions in our near future. (Kink, no worries about that, we were left hanging due to some cell phone issues, as in mine decided it was a great idea to stop working in the middle of our phone call and so he couldn't get back in touch with me for a while.)

I'm not thrilled with how he handled things, he did overreact, but he did call me back and apologize for it. As long as this is a one time 'hey we had a fight over something totally stupid' then I can live with that. Basically, he said that he cares about me and he wants to be there for me but that he's really not sure how to deal with it because he doesn't have any experience (even with friends) dealing with mental health stuff, and he's worried right now that if I'm stressed out and he says the wrong thing he's going to make it worse. He kind of had this panic reaction realizing that he doesn't know how to handle these sorts of things when they come up. So he asked me to specifically lay out what I need and want from him and what he can do to help whether it's just normal stress or depression issues. I think he's sincere, and if he really does want to work on that, great. We'll see what happens. We need to sit down and talk about it, and then I need to see him being able to handle things like this and not overreact, and he needs me to be more specific about what I need. If we're both able to work on this, then I don't think this is insurmountable. If he overreacts like this every time I'm even slightly upset, then I'll move on - because really, that's not enough emotional maturity to date anyone, if you can't handle a bad day.

I think the boys vs men thing is a pretty good summary of a lot of my past relationships, though (and in the cases where I've ended relationships, it's usually been over similar issues). I can get trepidation about dating people with mental health issues, though it's unfortunate that those of us who are actually aware of and dealing with our issues get clumped in the 'batshit crazy at the drop of a pin' stereotype.

42 - I think you're right. The one part of the pattern that I will take blame for is that I've stayed in relationships with some of them past the point where I'd realized that. I need to get into the habit of moving on if a good-faith effort to fix the problem either is ignored or doesn't work.

Pepper - thank you. =) I might do that.

Jack - Thanks. Annnd yeah, you would dislike my classmates. One day of listening to the Creative Writing majors whining about how it was so unfair that they had to read a whooooooole 20 pages a week and I was about ready to unleash the rabid wolverines.

Arctic - That's really encouraging actually, thank you for sharing.

Protege - *huuuuugs* You sound like you could use one too. PM me if you ever want to vent. =(

[Seshat]

"I don't know how to help" is a perfectly valid concern. Get your mental health nurse, or psychologist, or whomever, to refer your boyfriend to:
* a carer's group for mental health issues
* a different mental health nurse/psychologist/etc who can be given your diagnosis, consult with yours, and then help him learn how to help you.
* Or both.


It can be VERY scary dealing with a vent or a breakdown - I've had to deal with ones where my wife has found a knife. (Not to turn on me, to turn on herself) Even if they don't go violent, there's the fear that they will.

Or the fear that you'll say the one wrong thing that will permanently traumatise your loved one. (Okay, you and I know that won't happen - but someone new to this doesn't!)

Plus a whole bunch of other fears, rational and irrational. Plus generally not knowing how to handle it? It's reasonable for a novice to freak out.


Getting him professional support, or even unprofessional but experienced support (eg a carer's group), should go a long way to helping him.

Once HE has HIS support, he should be starting to become able to not just support you when you're venting, but to support you during a psych crisis.

If he's a man (using the definitions above), then all that happened was a first-day-at-work undertrained job failure. Train him, and he'll improve.

[Taboo]

"I don't know how to help" is a perfectly valid concern.
...

If he's a man (using the definitions above), then all that happened was a first-day-at-work undertrained job failure. Train him, and he'll improve.

This is my hope. And if not, and he's just not able to be an emotionally supportive partner for anyone, then I'm better off finding out soon and not wasting too much time. Either way, I'm glad we're communicating well about it now.

[Jester]

I see two basic things at work here.

1. The people you are dating are in their early 20's.

2. You are disclosing your mental health issues a couple of months into the relationship.

The problem I see here is that these people are what I call "young stupid," i.e., they are immature and have not yet had much world experience, so with various things, no matter how intelligent they are, they act really stupid. Also, you are dropping a heavy burden on them early on in the relationship.

Even if you were dating older and (allegedly) more mature partners, 2 months is still pretty early in a relationship to drop such a burden on someone. That is still a time in most relationships where you are feeling each other out (I said "out!") and getting to know one another.

My suggestion: wait until a relationship has progressed further timewise before disclosing all this highly personal stuff. You may find that, if you are being dumped, the timeline and excuses may be the say, but if you have not told them about your mental health issues, it is just your venting they are reacting to, and thus, they are not using your disclosure against you. It is just the "natural" progression of the relationship, as it were. 2 months or so is often a time frame where relationships end, and a lot of people who end relationships will use any and all excuses, no matter how valid or not, to do so.

Hope all this makes sense. I just woke up, and I am not exactly at my best at such a time in the day!

[Taboo]

Normally I'd agree with waiting longer to disclose, though my experience has been that the time I waited 7 months to disclose, I was immediately dumped because 'oh my god you kept this huge secret from me for so long and you're a huge liar and I can never trust you again.' Which was partially a sign of other issues there, but validly there are going to be 'why were you not more open with me' questions if it gets past six months.

I don't think there's really a perfect balance here, though. I don't see it as a burden being dropped on someone - in this case I told him this early because he asked, as part of a conversation we were having about a mutual friend with depression problems. Sort of 'is there a personal reason you know this much about resources for him' deal. I wasn't going to lie. I think somewhere between three to six months is fine, depending on what sort of other discussions you've been having. And honestly, if I've been spending this much time with someone else and that makes them bolt - let them bolt, because they're probably going to bolt later regardless.

[50 mission cap]

The last girl I dated noticed I have a bit of anxiety issues, I tend to overthink things. Even more so when there are changes in my life, either good or bad, or even maybe just different. She also has social issues to. I told her I am working on when she asked and we had a couple really good talks and she even said I really care about you dont worry about a thing. I can even come with you to the doctor if you want.

I thought she was really great for this but in the end this and the relationship all happened to fast. There was also an age difference with us to. She was 24.

Thats my experience in a nutshell.

Maybe try to find a balance of spending of time together and also having me time. Dont say that to him it sounds bad. Just make some me time.

Sounds like the topic just came up similar to with me, best not to hide it. Talk about it and then move on. If there's days you need to talk thats fine.

[Jester]

Normally I'd agree with waiting longer to disclose, though my experience has been that the time I waited 7 months to disclose, I was immediately dumped because 'oh my god you kept this huge secret from me for so long and you're a huge liar and I can never trust you again.'

Okay, this person was a DOUCHEBAG. Just because their partner did not tell them everything up front immediately they are a huge liar? Bull. Shit. Seriously. That's bullshit. Frankly, them dumping you was probably a good thing, because this is NOT the kind of person you want to invest a serious relationship in.

Which was partially a sign of other issues there, but validly there are going to be 'why were you not more open with me' questions if it gets past six months.

There is a difference between being open and being upfront too quickly. Anyone worth their salt as a romantic partner will not have an issue with you disclosing something heavy and serious like this later on, with the explanation that earlier would have been, well, too early.

I wasn't going to lie. I think somewhere between three to six months is fine, depending on what sort of other discussions you've been having.

I am not advocating lying. But there is a huge difference between lying andnot volunteering something that may be too early in the relationship to volunteer.

And the appropriate time period for disclosure will vary from relationship to relationship. For some partners a couple weeks is appropriate, for some two years is too early. Only you can judge what is right and appropriate for the situation you are in.