Tweet
Quick background: I was born and raised in Wisconsin for 25 years, and moved to Texas almost 2 years ago. I've only been home once since then, over a year ago. /background
My parents are coming to visit in March. I think I'm mostly happy (or at least okay) with this, since I haven't seen them in over a year, but there's also at least a part of me that really doesn't want them to come. I moved far away from "home" for a reason. I don't hate my parents, but it's also extremely obvious (to me) that we get along much better at a distance. Even when I moved out of my parents' house, they tried to control me.
For example, when I told them I wanted to move out (I was in my early 20s at the time) they strongly objected. They said I wasn't ready, and that was partly true. My mom still did a lot of stuff for me, like my laundry, so she said I "wouldn't make it" on my own. The problem was, she also wouldn't teach or let me figure out how to do stuff like my own laundry, so I felt like the only way I could learn would be to get away from her and figure it out on my own. It got to the point that we would argue and scream at each other over me moving out, and they would threaten things like taking my car away (which was technically in my mother's name, even though I was making payments and paying insurance on it) and that they wouldn't help or support me at all if I didn't do it "their way." "Their way" included moving into the apartment of their choosing and basically letting them call the shots. I couldn't afford the apartment they wanted me to move into on my own, so they told me they would also help me financially, but only if I moved into that specific apartment.
They also hated my then-boyfriend (now my ex-boyfriend.) They saw a lot of flaws in him, and while it turned out that most of what they said was true, I needed to get to that conclusion on my own. Instead, they tried to break us up, prevented me from seeing him, guilt tripping me when I did see him, etc. My mom would also damage or throw away my belongings to get "revenge" on me when I wouldn't listen to her. For example, she threw away a pair of earrings that my boyfriend bought for me, then claimed she didn't know anything about it. All of this just made me want to stay with him even more, to prove they were wrong.
Anyway, after I did eventually move out on my own and break up with my then-boyfriend (on my own terms, not their's) things settled down a little bit. They were still fairly controlling but after I proved that, yes, I can learn how to do laundry and clean the bathroom and cook a meal without them standing over my shoulder telling me what to do, they started leaving me alone a little more. Thankfully they like my husband a lot, so they were pretty okay when we first started dating and even when I told them I wanted to move to Texas.
I have been very happy since I moved down here...to put it mildly. I am far happier here and now than I have ever been in my entire life. Not just because I'm away from my parents (although that's part of it) but also because I'm with a guy who loves and supports and helps me when I screw up, instead of belittling me and telling me I can't do it. I can be my own person down here, and my parents can't do a damn thing to control me.
I don't know if they'll try to control me while they're here. I don't think they will...they've really mellowed out (from what I can tell) since I moved. I do still talk to my mom on the phone several times a week, and I enjoy talking to her and she always tells me how happy she is for me and how proud she is of me for doing everything that I've done. (I do all the chores around the house, stuff that she said I'd never be able to do; I also vend at craft shows and the like and have been pretty successful so far.)
I guess I'm just apprehensive that things are just going to go downhill fast once they get here. The one time I did go back to see them after moving to Texas, within 24 hours I was so pissed off at my mom that I was ready to call a cab to take me to the airport and fly back home. However, they are coming onto my turf now so I can set the rules. It will be interesting to see how receptive they are to being in my house.
My parents are coming to visit in March. I think I'm mostly happy (or at least okay) with this, since I haven't seen them in over a year, but there's also at least a part of me that really doesn't want them to come. I moved far away from "home" for a reason. I don't hate my parents, but it's also extremely obvious (to me) that we get along much better at a distance. Even when I moved out of my parents' house, they tried to control me.
For example, when I told them I wanted to move out (I was in my early 20s at the time) they strongly objected. They said I wasn't ready, and that was partly true. My mom still did a lot of stuff for me, like my laundry, so she said I "wouldn't make it" on my own. The problem was, she also wouldn't teach or let me figure out how to do stuff like my own laundry, so I felt like the only way I could learn would be to get away from her and figure it out on my own. It got to the point that we would argue and scream at each other over me moving out, and they would threaten things like taking my car away (which was technically in my mother's name, even though I was making payments and paying insurance on it) and that they wouldn't help or support me at all if I didn't do it "their way." "Their way" included moving into the apartment of their choosing and basically letting them call the shots. I couldn't afford the apartment they wanted me to move into on my own, so they told me they would also help me financially, but only if I moved into that specific apartment.
They also hated my then-boyfriend (now my ex-boyfriend.) They saw a lot of flaws in him, and while it turned out that most of what they said was true, I needed to get to that conclusion on my own. Instead, they tried to break us up, prevented me from seeing him, guilt tripping me when I did see him, etc. My mom would also damage or throw away my belongings to get "revenge" on me when I wouldn't listen to her. For example, she threw away a pair of earrings that my boyfriend bought for me, then claimed she didn't know anything about it. All of this just made me want to stay with him even more, to prove they were wrong.
Anyway, after I did eventually move out on my own and break up with my then-boyfriend (on my own terms, not their's) things settled down a little bit. They were still fairly controlling but after I proved that, yes, I can learn how to do laundry and clean the bathroom and cook a meal without them standing over my shoulder telling me what to do, they started leaving me alone a little more. Thankfully they like my husband a lot, so they were pretty okay when we first started dating and even when I told them I wanted to move to Texas.
I have been very happy since I moved down here...to put it mildly. I am far happier here and now than I have ever been in my entire life. Not just because I'm away from my parents (although that's part of it) but also because I'm with a guy who loves and supports and helps me when I screw up, instead of belittling me and telling me I can't do it. I can be my own person down here, and my parents can't do a damn thing to control me.
I don't know if they'll try to control me while they're here. I don't think they will...they've really mellowed out (from what I can tell) since I moved. I do still talk to my mom on the phone several times a week, and I enjoy talking to her and she always tells me how happy she is for me and how proud she is of me for doing everything that I've done. (I do all the chores around the house, stuff that she said I'd never be able to do; I also vend at craft shows and the like and have been pretty successful so far.)
I guess I'm just apprehensive that things are just going to go downhill fast once they get here. The one time I did go back to see them after moving to Texas, within 24 hours I was so pissed off at my mom that I was ready to call a cab to take me to the airport and fly back home. However, they are coming onto my turf now so I can set the rules. It will be interesting to see how receptive they are to being in my house.
)Thank them for trying to help, but you really, really are able to make your own decisions-- and give specific examples. If they bring up "oh but BadBoyfriend we were so right about!" then tell them what you learned, and why you had to learn it, not have them tell you. Try to reason/logic it out. It might work. 
so I think I know what you mean, Maggs.
Comment