when good or bad things happen

[Damien]

Hi, sorry to intrude on the board, but just need a bit of advice that will help me leave everyone alone (including here).

I need to know any tricks and tips that people use to stop me from sharing news with family, friends, colleagues and forums. This would be for good and bad news - basically, what I think I actually need to do is to shut my mouth and listen far far more.

Last year, when i got seriously sick, I blurted it out to my parents, resulting in mum coming up to stay at her expense (I live in southern Queensland and they live in Victoria - 2 hour flight).

This year, my Masters is getting complete and the floods affected my area - once again I blurted it out to my parents, on facebook, on here... and a few other places.

I am certain that people are indeed sick of me even being visible.

So here is what I think I had better do:

Become 'invisible' - everything that I do and happens to me, good and bad stays with me. If I need help, I will find a way myself. If I succeed I will not brag.

I would appreciate some techniques as to do this.

[figures]

The things you are describing, are such that it sounds like you NEEDED the intervention and/or help. But the only way around not saying things you want to keep hidden, is controlling yourself.

Without knowing your background, education and habits (hence YOU) the advice I can give is basic. To paraphrase Arnie, YOU LACK DISCIPLINE. IF you want to not blurt out things, you simply have to eliminate .. BLURTING OUT THINGS... Emotions can get the better of anyone. If it's become a problem where you act without thinking, you need to order your thoughts more.

I would suggest starting a martial art, or a Yoga class. Repetitive activity and meditative exercises can REALLY help you own yourself. The key is not only doing the physical part, but working on your mental focus while doing Kata or stances.

Good luck.

[trailerparkmedic]

I'm not going to give you tips on staying quiet. Being invisible is highly overrated. Support is a very nice thing to have.

Your mom reacted as she did because she is worried about you--it's a mom thing. My mom calls me after dentist appointments because she knows they freak me out. She called my husband to ask how his first day at his new job went.
We like to hear about things here. We celebrate successes and support you when you need it. If people on Facebook don't like it, they can get over themselves and un-friend you.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

Here's the thing - family and friends do worry about you. If they didn't want to listen to what you say it's quite simple for them to just ignore you. Obviously your mum cares about you or she wouldn't have flown to see you, regardless of the distance.

I think if you kept silent then they would REALLY worry themselves sick about you and start popping up more often to check on you.

Maybe it's just me but I can't figure out why anyone would want to cut everybody off from knowing what is going on with them. I tend to be fairly anti-social myself but I don't cut everybody out of what is going on with me - my family and friends tend to be pretty much up to date on my life, even if I don't get into long, drawn out conversations with them.

It isn't just you patiokitty-- it's me too. If I were you I'd talk to a professional about why I felt the need to be 'invisible.' I may be shy and/or paranoid, but... I still exist! So do you! It's much better to have the goal of not being a jerk/ looking stupid, in my opinion...
You may run at the mouth on occasions (I don't recall any on the boards), but...
well, if you think it's a thing where you speak before you think, then get a sore throat. or get those tiny orthodontist rubber bands and hold them with your tongue against the roof of your mouth, that way you have to move it and your tongue before you speak.

[AnaKhouri]

I know this isn't what you're asking, but as a mother, I can say that staying with my sick child (expensive or not) is my JOB. Don't feel bad about it. If she came to stay with you, it's because she was worried and wanted to.

[TheSHAD0W]

The answer is obvious to me. Move, and don't tell your parents where you've moved to.

[Aethian]

And that will drive his parents crazy Shadow.

Damien WHY do you want to be invisible?

[Damien]

why? My visibility has caused considerable problems with the siblings.

My brother and I don't speak at all and my sister 'left the scene completely' so to speak over a decade ago.

Before my sister 'left', she told me that my successes, problems etc had overshadowed her and my brother, this has resulted in considerable resentment (and some very unfortunate circumstances just over a decade ago). My sister is no longer with us, but my brother still severely resents me.

All of this causes considerable stress to my parents - and they simply do not need it - what i am looking to do, is to listen far more and speak far less (if at all).

[shadowpanda]

This may sound epically harsh, but it's not intended to be hurtful.
Your siblings need to try and get over it. Shit happens to everybody and if it happens years ago, then effort needs to be made on all sides (if you want to) to try and rebuild your relationship, even if it's just to the stage of being civil to each other and sending birthday cards.
Why are they so important that it is you who must disappear?

It's easier online to not say stuff, like on Facebook. Type a statuts, but don't hit 'update'. That way, you have said it to get it out of your system, but have not 'inflicted' it on anyone else. Have you looked at other people's statuses to see what they are saying and how often. Someone on my friends list updates every 45 minutes about the most random things, and some only ever post about having a bad day at work. If it bothered me enough, I would unfriend them, but it takes like 1 second to read their status and then move on to the next thing.
With regards to on this forum, we are a global community with members with all kinds of stuff going on. Some, like Gravekeeper, post once a week with updates about crazy people on the telephone. Other people start a new thread every day because stuff keeps happening. Still others only post in the Life Advice section. It's all fine, and people do it to get what they need from this community. If people don't want to read your posts, they won't. But why should that stop you from posting? There will be someone on here who can offer a kind word of support or whatever for everyone.

[ArcticChicken]

My recommendation is to get thee to a therapist to work on your self-esteem issues. No one should need to feel invisible, it's not healthy. You're a pretty smart dude, and you should be proud of that. When you're not feeling well, people who come to take care of you do it because they love you. While you shouldn't feel entitled to have someone come take care of you, you should not feel guilty if they choose to help you out.

Here's the thing. No one is obligated to be your friend. If they're your friend, it's for a reason, and it's not because they want you to be invisible. Your friends want to know about what is going on in your life.

If people don't want to hear from you, they don't have to. Online they can simply not read your posts, or they can unfriend you. In the real world they can choose not to answer the phone, or not to hang out with you. It's really quite easy not to be friends with someone.

[Der Cute]

Uh, I'm going to point something out.

THEY ARE THE ONES RESENTING. Not you, you're doodling along, doing your thing, they're the ones with arms crossed, scowls and going HARRRUMPH. They're the ones with the stick up their arses.

What have you done in life? ACCOMPLISHED THINGS. It's not like you're going WOOOOEEEEE LOOK I JUST GOT EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH FOR THE 1230055TH TIME!!!
You're saying, Hey. Can I please have a bit of help with the flooding? I'm tired of being wet.

You are over-compensating for someone else's ass-stick. You are you, they are they, and if they have an issue with you, its up to them to approach you CIVILLY and say, can we all sit and hash some of this out please?
I kind of resented my sister having a family, being married, having a kid. But I have a different path- I got college educated, have an IT job that pays nicely, I'm doing what I LOVE. And yes, I have a family. Later than her. Do I resent that? No, it was HER path, not mine.
(i got over it)

You know what? Ignore them. Tell yourself, THEY SUCK NOT YOURSELF. Leave it up to your mom and dad to decide who/when to help when one of yalls ask. Parent's job is to help kids. Kid's job is to try to do good in world. Every kid has different skills and such.

go give yourself a hug. And remind yourself that being modest isn't bad.

[AdminAssistant]

Well, I can understand jealousy between siblings. My parents have *always* favored my older sister - she was smarter, prettier, more talented, more popular, more successful. They barely noticed that I graduated college (with honors, magna cum laude) because she was pregnant. Oh, was I pissed.

But you know what? I wasn't pissed at her. I was pissed at them. They were the ones doing the favoring. She didn't have anything to do with it (okay, she was a bit melodramatic about the whole thing by the 9th month but whatever). I don't know whether or not your siblings have a valid complaint. But if they're taking it out on you, then their ire is misdirected.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

There is the off chance that you might be bringing it up more than is good-- here's a good measuring stick: do you have friends over there in QL del Aus? Do they think you brag or mention your crazy amount of success (Master's? ) more than is kosher?
Then report back to us!
It's highly probable that they feel severely inadequate-- I'd feel like a slacker with you for a sibling... but my sister and I have hashed those problems (achievement and worth) out with our mother and father, and have been well-reassured that they love both of us, in equal amounts, but do acknowledge we are like night and day.

[Seshat]

Maybe it's just me but I can't figure out why anyone would want to cut everybody off from knowing what is going on with them.

The idea that people want to know about my life creeps me out. I can't explain why.


Anyway, to Damien:

* You are perfectly entitled to tell people about your successes, and even brag a little.
* You are a boor if you mention it all the fracking time, somehow bringing them up in every conversation.

* You are perfectly entitled to tell people about your problems, and even whine a little.
* You are a boor if you mention them all the fracking time.
* You are a pain if you whine repeatedly about problems you could be personally correcting. (EG: Qld floods? NOT anything you can fix. Debt issues? Something you could fix.)
So go ahead and whine about being flooded out. Balance it, if you want to ensure you're not boring your audience, with your gratitude to the people donating money, time, effort...


Learning to listen... listening is a skill, and one which does take effort to learn. Not just listening, but being seen to listen, is very important and helps make you more - hm. Popular? Desirable as a conversation partner?

People often aren't actually listening in a conversation - they're frequently thinking about what they're going to say next. Instead, just listen. Put 'what to say next' out of your mind, focus on the person who's talking. When they pause, take a moment to think, then say something about what they just said. Not something vague, like 'that must have been hard', but more specific, such as 'it must have been hard raising three children by yourself'.

Practice listening. If you really want some good listening practice, volunteering to be 'company' at an old peoples' home can get you some very interesting stories. (Also some crap, but .. eh.) Or listen to cab drivers, people on public transport, people in supermarkets. (It'll also give you practice at learning to break free of a conversation!)

Once you can listen like that, start listening to your siblings. Let them talk themselves out at the start of the phone call, and only then mention your problems or successes - or they may even prompt you for them! People who love you do want to know what's going on in your life. They just want to feel listened to, as well.

[Solumina]

If I need help, I will find a way myself.

This bit concerns me greatly. If you need help then you need help, yes most things you should try to do on your own at least once or twice but some things are too great for one person to do alone.



There are a lot of different personalities and some people can be very vocal about anything and everything going on in their lives, there isn't anything wrong with this but it you feel like it is causing problems (doesn't matter what anyone else says about it, what matters is how you feel about it) then some form of meditation would be a good thing for you. It will give you a chance to reflect on the events in your life, both large and small, right now it seems like you are processing your life by telling others about it, meditation will help you process things on your own. If you still feel like sharing then do so, I think that it will help you to see what is important to share with the people in your life and it will help you to let things go.

I also agree with the bit Seshat said about learning to really listen, try and focus one what is being said, don't think ahead to where the conversation may go, just let it happen and only think about what you are going to say after the other person has spoken. Trust me this can be hard, especially if you are the type that wants to pounce on something interesting that the other person said as soon as it comes out of their mouth. It takes a bit of restraint and it make take a while for you to get there but I think it will be worth it and that it will help your family relationships.