Dealing with someone who's Bipolar

[Teysa]

Just under a year ago, my SO was diagnosed Bipolar. The medication the doctor gave him has made a world of difference and he's almost a completely different person. The issue is me.

I'm having a very difficult time letting go of the past. I have to keep reminding myself that the temper flare ups and the outright rage he would show at the smallest things were because of the disorder. It's hard when something will remind me of it and I'm scared all over again.

I think too, I have a lot of pent up anger. I've never been good at expressing my emotions. I tend to bottle everything up until I can't hold anymore and then I explode. I'm half afraid I'm going to be one of those people you hear about on the evening news: "But she was always so shy and quiet. I can't believe she'd do anything like that." right after I go on a rampage.

The stress of being the sole breadwinner is hard too. His doctor doesn't even want him to try looking for work until he's been stabilized on the meds for at least six months. I can understand that. And we are blessed that we live in a low cost of living area. The fact that we own the house and car helps tons too. My paycheck is enough to keep the lights on, the other bills paid and keep food on the table. However, if the car needs serious work or something in the house needs repaired/replaced, we're kind of out of luck.

I guess I'm just needing to know is how do I resolve my own anger issues so I can be more supportive of my SO in his recovery? I am actually quite proud of him for choosing to seek help. That's never easy. And I do love him. I'm just afraid this is going to drive a wedge between us if I'm not careful.

Thanks in advance for any replies.

[Taboo]

First of all, awesome for him for getting help!

Secondly, while I see where the doctor's coming from about not wanting stress to undermine his progress, I can see why it would feel frustrating. Maybe he's not a breadwinner right now, and the money is going to be stressful regardless of the reasons when it's that tight, but he shouldn't have to just do nothing. I think now would be a good time for him to be putting in more work around the house. If you're the one who works, then comes home, and does more work to cook and clean, then it'll be harder to not be resentful. Whatever he usually does from chores he should still do, and I think he ought to be picking up more of yours since he's home during the day.

Also, get thee to a counselor (or religious leader, if you have one). Even if you only go once or twice, there are lots of counselors who work on a sliding scale. Tell them when you call that you can only afford a couple of sessions, but that you need help with strategies to deal with those feelings of resentment. The fact that you say you already have a lot of pent up anger -- I might suggest regular counseling when your SO is working again and you two can afford it, because that's just not a good thing to carry through your life.

One more tip: I had a friend whose SO was homebound for a couple months and she got really frustrated and fed up, not over the financial end of it but because she felt like she worked all day and he just lazed around the house doing nothing. Perhaps now would be a good time for your SO to pick up a constructive hobby - try to learn another language, build something, learn a new skill, etc, anything that's not just sitting around on the computer or TV all day. He might even benefit from going to volunteer for a cause he cares about once or twice a week, if you guys can afford the transit. It's not the same pressure as a job because he can just quit if it's stressful. Something working with animals, etc might be calming and fulfilling, because he may get frustrated as well if he feels like his life is stuck in a rut.

[Teysa]

To give him credit, he does help out quite a bit around the house. In all honesty, he's a better housekeeper than I am. He's ordered. I'm chaotic. (I don't really mind the vacuuming and dusting and such. It's the clutter that tends to get out of hand and develop a life of its own.)

He's been doing a lot of writing lately. This may be biased of me, but he's good.

That's a good idea on the counseling. My work has something they call an Employee Assistance Program. I may check it out.

[Jester]

To use an old chiched phrase, it's not him...it's you. Any issues you have from his pre-medication days are understandable, but they are your issues, and you are going to have to work towards resolving them. Not that he is completely off the hook, mind you...I just don't buy into that whole "it wasn't his fault, he was off his meds" stuff. He still needs to take responsibility for his actions, whatever their cause.

Before anyone thinks that I am bi-polar bashing, I would like to remind you that I not only have bipolar tendencies (though am not actually bipolar), I am both the son and the uncle of bipolar people. Trust me, I get it.

I agree with the other poster that said he can still contribute. Not financially, but cooking, cleaning, chores around the house, shopping, etc. It's just like the old 50's nuclear family, only the roles have changed: you're Ward Cleaver, he's June. And it does sound like he is doing some of that already, which is good. If he was just laying around the house while you were working to keep a roof over his head, I would call him names that don't belong in polite company. I'll happily reserve those words for other, more deserving people.

[Seshat]

Get thee to a support group.

A carer's group - any carer's group - will help. A carer's group for carers of those with mental illness will help more. One specifically for bipolar will help even more.

Meeting other people who are going through or have gone through the same things you're dealing with can be a huge help.

Sometimes, a carer's group is led by (or assisted by) a trained counsellor. Thus, you may be able to get free group counselling as part of the deal.

[ArcticChicken]

I'm glad he's chosen to get help, and, like others have said, now it's your turn.

A counselor, a support group, whatever, someplace where you can go to talk about what you're feeling and what you've been through, and where you can get strategies to deal with your anger.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

You obviously care about him. From ... what I understand and have observed, bipolar and it's ilk are highly disruptive and occasionally toxic. He obviously cares about himself, which isn't a given even with more 'normal' individuals, and he cares about you. Never forget or lose sight of how much you care and love each other. Now, that said, the presented suggestions are exactly what I would suggest.
(I read online recently that 'house-husbands and breadwinner wives' get divorces mostly because the wife sees the man as 'not working as hard,' and the article suggested that it may be because the wife never connects that house and childcare really are as 'monetarily valuable' (as in, even though no money is generated, it's still very valuable, and if it was? How much do you pay maids, nannies, etc?) as her own job, and that she undervalues housewifery as well. It was a yahoo or msn type article, and those tend to dodge in and out on me.... so, moral is, avoid that type of thinking, or face it and directly refute it, and you should be better... but see a talky-person-doc! )

[Der Cute]

I'll say that I'm hard to live with. I'm not BiPolar...but there are issues. I've been told many times I'm hard to live with, because of the unexpected flares.

Write Write it out of yourself. Go to the help groups. Give him a card and a big squishy hug- it will remind you how far he's come so far. You will see and recognize his efforts...which will cement them in you further.

I had something big happen in 2010. I was pretty much bork. About as useful as dirt in carpet. I FELT useless, and I knew my SO got really really tired, he tired himself out. I tried to do more and more each day, to lighten his load...while adjusting meds and trying to heal. I'll tell you: it felt like a hell of a black tunnel, and it WAS a long drag.

Remind yourself: he's making progress. He's doing a lot of work - internally. The long view is peace and sanity, the short view is crappy.

It's humility, writing out your anger spots and getting counseling. Not in that order.

[Seshat]

Another thing to be prepared for: medication changes, and internal changes.

My best friend's illness changes periodically - it's influenced by the weather, her stress levels, what she eats, and, for all we know, the phase of the moon or whether a random butterfly flapped its wings in Japan.

It can be very random. She can become trapped in misery, hyper-"happiness", anger, or some other emotion.

If it seems to be a one-off, we deal with it by sedating her and letting her sleep through it. Yes, this is approved both by her and by her psych. She'd rather sleep through it than suffer through it. (Even the hyper "happiness" is bad - she makes serious errors of judgement.)

If it's something like her usual seasonal adjustments, we change her meds. More serotonin support in winter, less in summer. Heat waves and cold waves also need med adjustments.


The point to me telling you this is ... she can't help it. Blaming her, or asking her to control the emotion, is about as pointless as blaming someone with a broken leg for not being able to dance on it.

What she can do, and your husband can learn to do, is control the reaction to the emotion. She gradually learned to recognise a 'not myself' emotion*; then to recognise it and ask for help; then to recognise it, ask for help, and suggest a tablet; and she's now able to suggest a dosage.
For safety's sake (because misjudging dosage is very easy when one's neurochemistry is screwed up) we're not planning to have her dose herself. It's always going to be one of us sedating her, and monitoring her when she sleeps.

It's not easy to live with, seeing her in one of these attacks. But it's not very different from the difficulty of seeing a loved one in any other nasty illness. And at least this is managed.


* Some people worry that we're medicating out human emotion. That normal grief is being treated as depression, normal happiness as hypermania, normal anger as uncontrollable rage, etc. I can't speak to that. I can say that with medication, both she and I feel like we can be ourselves. Without, we're prisoners of strange emotional fluxes.

[Teysa]

Thanks everyone. I think I mainly needed to vent a little. I am going to take your advice on getting counseling though. I got the number for the employee assistance program from my work so I'll see if they have any information on support groups and such.

The doctor is still working on finding the correct dosage. However, he's been at the current dosage for about 3 months now. So there's a chance they've found what works. We'll see.

And it's true. I do care about him a lot. There are things he does that drive me batty and things I do that drive him batty. But, at the end of the day, I know he's there for me and I'm there for him.

[Solumina]

Venting is good, you have to let it out and venting to your SO may end up with him feeling guilty for putting you through this, so vent away.

Something that I haven't seen yet that I thought I would throw out there is that he may qualify for assistance. I have a friend with bipolar disorder who was able to collect a bit from the state while she was getting things sorted out, actually she is still getting help from the state as she is only able to work part time (thankfully she is still young enough to be covered under her parents insurance). He may not be eligible but it is something to look into since money is tight, plus it would give him something specific to do (even though housework really is work sometimes it helps to be able to financially contribute).

[Teysa]

Well, I called the employee assistance number during my lunch break today. When I nearly exploded at the poor clerk for a minor error with my order, I knew something was wrong. I'm usually patient about that sort of thing. Lately though, everything is pissing me off. No worries, I didn't bite the poor girl's head off.

Anyways, I found out that I get five free sessions. It's kind of scary though going from being very close to telling my SO to hide the pills to wanting to just go off on everyone. (Many years ago, before I had found CS, I tried to OD. Obviously, I didn't succeed. It's been a long time since I've felt that level of depression and despair.)

I do appreciate all the support everyone. I wish I knew what triggered all this.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

.__. Teysa... please keep in touch with us! (so we know you're alright... >_> )

[trailerparkmedic]

I wish I knew what triggered all this.

Nurses have their own set of diagnoses. One is "caregiver strain." It is very difficult to take care of people who need a lot of care, whether emotional or physical.

You might find caregiver support groups helpful in addition to individual counseling. A family member of mine had severe postpartum depression and it was hard on the whole family, so you definitely aren't alone in your feelings. Your SO's doctors may be able to point you in the right direction. If he's been hospitalized, the hospital may have support groups.

[Rapscallion]

From my observations of a mentally ill guy at work, he may have a condition but it's everyone around him who suffers.

Worth bearing in mind.

Rapscallion