Dealing with vindictive parents

[JPD]

I still live at home due to the fact that I'm still in school. My dad was in prison for a few years, so I took a few years off to work and help my mom pay the bills, which is why I'm still in school and living at home at 26.

I babysat until later in the night (10), so I didn't get a chance to go to bed until a little after midnight. I also work 5-10 tonight, so I figured I would sleep in so I wouldn't be exhausted for my shift.

My dad woke me up at 6, for help getting the cars unstuck, and being half asleep, and not really thinking, I rolled over and went back to sleep. He came in a few minutes later, and woke me again saying some of my books were out in the snow. Of course I immediately got up and tried to rescue some. I don't think I got them all, since he also buried them in the snow. He started yelling at me that I could get up for that, but I wouldn't get up to help him. He seemed to also be angry at mom, for taking my side, since she didn't think it was acceptable waking me at 6am, since I worked late last night, and was working late again tonight.

Since my mom and I were wide awake from going outside we decided to go out and help him, in which he said no and yelled at us that he didn't want our help. (In not so nice language).

How do I deal with him.

I don't make enough to move out, and every time I seem to have a decent amount of money saved up, they need me to pay one the bills, due do the fact they have no money for the bills. (But they have enough for booze and cigarettes every week)

Since November, I have at least once paid the electric bill, moms car payment, given them money for food, and paid the car insurance (twice).

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I think you answered you own question.

[Der Cute]

Why would they know how much you make? One big rule of life is to NEVER EVAH EVAH share your numbers with anyone except your cat and your spouse.

What these people are doing is depending on you to supplement your income. You know that.
So, if anyone asks that you pay for "so and so bill" you just say, "Sorry, that's just not possible" or some such version of "I can't". Squirrel away all the cash you can. In a bank account. And use e-statements to a newly created email acct they don't know about.

Your data must now be hidden from them. Find out if your college has dorms or if you can somehow move out somewhere. Even if it's renting a small room from someone else. Your money to pay your parent's bills.....
The only downside to this is that I did not see anything from you about "We all agreed that I can stop paying bills of this house while I'm in school". If that wasn't agreed upon, you dont have THAT much of an argument. So, you';; have to tell them either your hours got cut, your payrate got cut, something.

You can't enable them anymore.

[MaggieTheCat]

If you can find someone to crash with for a while as a backup, I would just flat-out tell your folks that you're not going to pay their bills anymore and that you need to start saving money for college, books, a new car, an apartment, whatever. What're they gonna do, kick you out? Oh wow, then they're gonna have to figure this shit out on their own anyway. You could say that you're willing to give them $xx.xx amount of money a month (not much, maybe $50.00 tops) to help with stuff like food and electricity that you use, until you can afford to move out. So they'd still be better off keeping you around and they have fair warning that they can't go to you for everything anymore. But, like I said, it might be good to have a backup plan in case they really go mental on you and dump you and your stuff on the street.

[Cookie]

This sounds a lot like a situation I was VERY close to. Basically, what had to happen was he and a friend of his moved all of his stuff out while his folks weren't at home. He stayed at his friends house for a couple of nights until the semester started. He had arranged housing on his student loan. I'm not a fan of loans, but it was literally an escape. Everything he had was being taken from him. Guilt trips, mental abuse, plus add some pretty horrible physical abuse.

I'm not there so I can't tell how drastic the situation is but you're not doing yourself or your parents any favors staying there. It will wear you down to a breaking point and it enables their bad behavior. Sometimes, you've got to strike out on your own and do something hard and let people take the consequences of their own poor decisions.

With your dad flying off the handle like that, you honestly need to get out as soon as possible. He's a loose cannon. I don't know if he's ever been physically violent, but it's not something you'd want to test the limits of.

Please know I say this not knowing your dad and he may never, ever, do something like that, but I've been close enough to these types of situations before and seen it happen so had to at least give a warning.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Do you pay a set amount every month or just pay whatever they can't when they run out of cash? If you truly can't see moving out just yet, you need to sit down and work out an agreement for a specific monthly rent, and stick to it. When I lived with my parents and was working retail, I paid them about $350 a month, plus my cell phone (which is an extra line on my dad's account) because that's what I could afford. (They started charging rent 6 months after we graduated college; same time our student loans came due.) I moved out 3 years ago but the phone arrangement is still the same. Save up the rest of your money; your parents have no right to your savings.

The booze and cigarettes thing sounds like my ex. He had his power shut off twice and was evicted four or five times in less than a year and a half. I stupidly bailed him out. But he spent several nights a week closing down the bar down the street. I estimated he spent at least a couple hundred a month right there. But he was always short on the rent. Finally I got fed up and moved home (where I was actually paying rent as I was not on his lease and we never even discussed it).

[Seshat]

If there is a risk of physical violence, contact the police and get information on emergency housing. Or find a friend to move out with, and DO NOT leaving forwarding information. Protect yourself.

If there is not risk of physical violence, you have more time and can follow the solutions given above. The only disagreement I have with any of that is that I didn't notice a 'move out now if there's physical violence' listed. (It may have been there. I'm sleepy.)

[blas]

He threw your books out in the snow? What a fucking dickhead!

Don't tell them how much money you have. If possible, keep it all in the bank except what you need right this moment.

It wouldn't be a bad idea to move out when you know they won't be home.

[trailerparkmedic]

Go talk to financial aid on Monday and see what loans/grants/etc you are eligible for. Even if you go to community college, the government will help you cover the cost of living. You'll probably need to get a roommate or rent a room from someone. The good thing is that you are an independent student, so you are eligible for more money. They do NOT need any information from your parents.

Your parents are adults. They don't need you to take care of them. It doesn't sound like they deserve it, either.

Create a new bank account and keep all the information about it away from your parents--at a friend's, in a safe deposit box, etc. Stash your extra cash there. "Sorry mom/dad, I don't have any money in my account."

[ShadowBall]

My BF is in a kinda-similar situation. His step-father, in a drunken rage, beat him up for locking the front door. His parents are fucking broke because they only have one income and his mother's medications are horribly expensive, but man they sure have money for booze and cigs. As in smoking probably a pack or two a day each and chugging two or three pounders a day, not to mention cable with all the fixins and Netflix. Funny how they have money for luxuries.

I can't tell if your dad would be the type to become physically abusive, but he sounds very manipulative and psychologically abusive, which are just as bad. Offering them a little bit for bills might be okay, but they should fucking understand that you need to save up your money so you can be on your own two feet someday.

Sounds like maybe they don't want you to move out because you not only help them with their bills, but you're a convenient verbal punching bag for them. I think it's the same with my BF - he parents threaten to throw him out a lot, but I think his step-shit likes having him around to take cheap shots at. In order to feel like a real manly man, he has to do such things as openly cheat on his wife online with other women, put balls on his truck to compensate for his non-existant ones, and abuse his son (or just belittle him by doing things like calling him "boy" when he's 24).

I know I don't have much advice to offer since I'm looking for advice myself, but I wish you the very best of luck. I would not wish living with such pricks on anyone...except maybe other pricks. Can I send my BF's step-bastard to your house and you come here? Sounds like your parents and his deserve one another.

[taxguykarl]

Get out of there ASAP. Keep your finances under your hat. Cutenoob gave the best practical advise there.
Find a friend and couch surf for a time if need be. It is likely to be better than your situation. Tossing your textbooks into the snow is behavior that is way beneath an adult and grossly unacceptable. I would give him the bill for replacements, come to think of it: No utility payments 'til you recover your losses there.
They have funds, just not priorities--booze and smokes are not cheap vices, if they can afford those they can afford car expenses and utilities.