Helping someone out of an abusive home

[ShadowBall]

I didn't want to hijack JPD's thread, but someone I know is going through a similar abusive situation and I don't know what - if anything - I can do to help.

My BF still lives at home because he cannot afford to move out, and his step-father is mentally and verbally abusive to him. Well, until last night - then he apparently crossed into the realm of physical abuse. Why? Step-Tard came home fall-down drunk and cut his hand trying to open the front door. He felt this was BF's fault and proceeded to beat BF up. I don't think anything is broken or bleeding from what BF told me, but that was completely uncalled for.

Sadly, BF has absolutely no money saved up and no car. He has a joint account with his parents, so any money he earned became their money. And he hasn't had a job in over a year despite looking, so he has no money at all. I know his family is poor and drinking is a nice little escape for Asshole Dad, but you do not beat someone up because you were too drunk to outsmart a door.

I don't want my BF living in such a place, and both myself and our friends are willing to help in any way we can. I just don't know how. Even if he got on assistance until he was able to get on his own feet, it would be better than living where he is now. I just don't know if he's willing to move out; his parents have fucked his head up his whole life and he probably feels he has to stay there because he thinks he can't live on his own...that and his form of escapism (MMORPGs) is there and for all I know, being abused on a regular basis is worth being able to play with his game buddies.

I don't know if he'd get much in terms of assistance, honestly. Can anyone offer me any advice, like on how I can help him or how I can keep from punching his stepfather in the head when I visit again? I tried to get him to go stay with one of our friends (who lives a block away from BF) for the night, but he didn't want to go.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

If it's truly awful at any point, and none of you are available/ it's the 'perfect' situation (like, one person has a full house during the holidays, someone got flooded, and the last person is moving or out of town... you get the idea) there are homeless shelters, for a night or so.
I agree- he'll need to see someone to explore how his head is about how his dad's been treating him all these years. There's going to be obvious stuff, and there's going to be hidden stuff, and girlfriends have a more open window to help deal with this than the typical male-buddy. Just... make sure he isn't becoming dependent on you and your friends in unhealthy ways-- you might want to see someone yourself or with him (in the same session) to ask how you can specifically support him.
And there are programs where you can buy computers and pay like 20 a month for them, but often you pay more than the computer is worth... but you get the computer and a credit rating by the end of it. (I haven't seen an ad for that type of stuff in forever, but I usually dont' watch tv either...)

[figures]

You can't live someone else's life. Find out what social services are available in the area and relay the information. How old is the BF? Sounds like a call to ALA-TEEN might help.

[Seshat]

He needs counselling to help him realise he's got a right to leave, and even a responsibility to himself AND his family to leave. (Neither of them has any reason to change while he stays, after all.)

Make a space available for him, keep it available if you can, but be prepared for him to decide to leave several times and not do so.

Try to get him to get copies of his identity documents and any financial documents he has into safe hands, or into a safety deposit box. These should be certified photocopies, or even the originals.
Also, school records, and any evidence he has of any jobs he's held till now. Basically, anything he'll need to get on with his life.
He can start over without anything else if he has to, but replacing those if he doesn't have them can be a bitch.

If he has any mementos that are particularly dear to him, have him store them with you, with a trustworthy friend, or again, in a deposit box. Have him start keeping backups of his passwords, usernames, connection addresses, etc on a USB drive.

He doesn't need to bring furniture, clothing, toiletries, crockery - he's escaping a hideous situation. Anything that's replaceable is expendable. He brings his identity documents, and what can be carried on his back. Or around his neck, in the case of the USB stick.

IF there is time, sure, go ahead and strip his room. But if not... when he goes, he just GOES. No notice. Nothing. Just walks out the door and is gone.

Do notify the police, however, so that they're not wasting time treating him as a missing person. They should be fine with it - particularly if your friend is working with counsellors from the ALA-Teen or some similar organisation.

[ShadowBall]

Thankfully he doesn't have a whole lot of shit to carry, should he ever need to get out in a pinch. He'd probably take his computer, game consoles, and clothes with him. He has some other trinkets, but it's stuff he would likely leave behind. If need be, he might stash his stuff at his buddy's house until he could retrieve it.

And I think he does have all his stuff backed up from when he moved everything from his old computer to his new (not so now) one. But even then, I'd be more than happy to hang on to his info for him so he didn't lose it. And my BF is about 24 or 25, so I don't know if ALA-Teen would be of use to him.

I just think maybe he's afraid to leave that which he feels is familiar and thus "safe." Even if it's an abusive situation. I know no one can make him leave, and the only way I may be able to influence him at all is if I decide to move away and threaten to do so with or without him. I then wonder if he would follow me or stay behind where he's safe so he doesn't have to take a chance on a new town.

I kind of wish he'd consider community college. With his non-existent income and his family's pitiful income, I'd bet he could get enough grant money to cover a full two years and have some left over. Thing is he's not passionate about much of anything that could be applied to a practical job or career...I know his parents forced him into the Job Corps a few years ago and he went to shut them up. He studied something he has absolutely no interest in ever doing for a living, so it was a waste.

And his step-ass is going to cut back on smoking since I guess he's having a hard time affording his cancer sticks, which means he'll probably be all bitchy from possible withdrawal. I know there's low-income housing where we live...I don't know if you NEED an income to live there or not, but I'd like to see him get out of his house and then maybe get counseling since it may be fruitless to see a shrink and then go right back home to the abuse and undo any progress that was made.

As said, I know I cannot make him do anything. I can only encourage him and hope for the best. Thank you, everyone, for all the advice. I'll look in the phone book and see what kinds of social services we have here and if there are any that could be of use to BF.

[taxguykarl]

Whatever you do, don't let him move in with you 'til he has some measure of self-sufficiency. Otherwise, if and when your relation sours, you will become the abuse target yourself and will have a seriously difficult time getting out of the relation--I speak from experience there.

Experience is a great teacher, but the tuition is a bitch.

[42_42_42]

I skimmed the previous responses, so forgive me if I repeat something someone else has said. Your BF should 1) take photos of any marks on his body left by what his dad did, 2) call the cops and have his dad arrested, 3) get a temporary order of protection filed which will then lead to 4) a hearing in which he can get a long-term order of protection filed. Actually, he should have done this that same night, but the sooner he does it, the better.

[crazyofficeclerk]

My suggestion is to check your phone book and try to get a hold of someone from Job and Family Services ( or whatever you have near you). They have tons of resources that might be of help. They might have a place that can help get your BF some counseling at low or no cost. If he feels better about himself, he can start to make changes in his life that will continue to improve.

[Seshat]

Contact any or all of the below:

Alcoholics Anonymous
Lifeline
Salvation Army
Family support services
Drug counselling services
Spousal or child abuse services

Yes, I know it's not your BF who's the addicted one, but Alcoholics Anonymous runs support for adult victims of the alcoholic's addiction, as well as ALATEEN. I can't remember the name of it, but whoever answers the phone there should.

Yes, Lifeline and the Salvos will at some point try to steer your BF towards Christianity, but in my experience, most of them do it as a supplement to getting his ass out of the bad situation.

The drug counselling service should also run support services for family members.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Yes, I know it's not your BF who's the addicted one, but Alcoholics Anonymous runs support for adult victims of the alcoholic's addiction, as well as ALATEEN. I can't remember the name of it, but whoever answers the phone there should.

It's just called Al-Anon. It shares a website with ALATEEN.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Personally, I don't think this is a fixable situation and I'll tell you why:

I kind of wish he'd consider community college. With his non-existent income and his family's pitiful income, I'd bet he could get enough grant money to cover a full two years and have some left over. Thing is he's not passionate about much of anything that could be applied to a practical job or career...I know his parents forced him into the Job Corps a few years ago and he went to shut them up. He studied something he has absolutely no interest in ever doing for a living, so it was a waste.

.

Emphasis there is mine.

Why did they have to force the guy to Job Corps if he was having this much problem finding employment? And why did he go "to shut them up?" Why didn't he go willingly, and go to go find a job?

He's not passionate about anything. Those are your words, not mine. So there is NOTHING he has an interest in doing for a living. And even if there was, nobody really starts out in their dream job. They wait tables or wash dishes or work at Kinkos or Wal Mart. They temp so they can have a little money and pay their bills. In other words, they pay their dues and in the meantime, they sack up and do what they have to do to function as a grown ass adult.

So yeah. Even in this crappy economy, he should be able to find a way to make some money. Maybe not a great job, but he could earn a few bucks. Hell, he could show up somewhere as a day laborer and hold up a "Stop/Slow" sign for a road crew. He could temp.

He puts up with this because he's trifling and it's easier to sit at home and play WoW. According to another post of yours about him, that's how he socializes, so I imagine he plays a lot.

He's not going to leave until his parents kick him out. Right now, he's got you colluding with his lame excuses about why he can't grow up and start doing for himself. Your supporting his lifestyle is not going to motivate him to get his life in order.

[figures]

One of the problems that are usually inherent in an alcoholic's home is negativity. There are no opportunities, there are no second chances, life beats you down, so why try? Being forced into work, while a teen.. not so out of the ordinary. Having a steady relationship, while not giving a damn about the future? QUITE out of the ordinary. The boyfriend has issues of his own, if he has no skills to feed himself, and no desire to fix the situation.

If I am speaking honestly..? Getting him out of this jamb is only a first step. He needs an attitude adjustment and a worldview change. You aren't up to this. A trained counselor isn't up for this. It is impossible to change anyone who doesn't want it in the first place. If he doesn't want counseling and won't take steps to prepare himself to leave that caustic environment, you should consider other options. Like walking away.

[protege]

He puts up with this because he's trifling and it's easier to sit at home and play WoW. According to another post of yours about him, that's how he socializes, so I imagine he plays a lot.

He's not going to leave until his parents kick him out. Right now, he's got you colluding with his lame excuses about why he can't grow up and start doing for himself. Your supporting his lifestyle is not going to motivate him to get his life in order.

This sounds *exactly* like my younger brothers. I've posted about them before. Both will turn 32 and 29 in April. They still live at home...because my parents (mainly my mother--Dad's tired of it) coddle them. When they're not at work, both sit on their asses and either watch TV or play video games. Otherwise, they don't do jack shit. Up until relatively recently, both of them were unemployed. The 32-year-old had been "out of work," for *3 years* simply because he felt he was entitled to $100k a year because of his MBA; the 29-year-old simply wasn't looking for work. Both never really had to work at all growing up, since my parents did everything for them. I have a feeling that they're going to be living with my parents well into their 40s.

Keep in mind that yes, I did live at home until I was 30. Yeah, I know. But, I had a full-time job, helped my parents (and grandparents) out when I could...and by the time I did move out, I had enough to put down on a house. Between work and helping my grandmother, I was working in excess of 8-9-10 hours a day, 7 days a week. The reason I moved out? I simply got tired of all the arguing by my parents. 30 year of that was enough.

Along those lines, I'm growing tired of hearing my brothers bitch and moan about how "rough" they have it, and the whining because my mom charges rent. Rent, that is less than a third of what my monthly mortgage payment is...plus I'm also on the hook for all my utilities, food, insurance, kitty vet bills, etc. etc. etc. They weren't too amused when I pointed that out Either grow a set and move, or shut the fuck up.

Some people simply don't want to change. Mainly, because it requires some effort to do so. There's only so much effort you can give to help someone out. If they don't want to change, it's time to walk away.

[ShadowBall]

Trust me, I know I cannot make him do anything. I know I can only be a cheerleader to a certain extent and he has to be the one to motivate himself to get out, stay out, and get the hell on his feet. But the thing is I really do think if he could just get the hell out of his current place to live, he might improve. Where he's at now, I know he probably feels hopeless and like it won't get any better...so if it won't get better, then why bother trying? I know this attitude - it's one of a person with little to no self-esteem and no hope. I'm a bit like this myself...only thing is while I DO want out of my house, I feel I'll fail at everything and be unable to do so. I digress.

And from what I was told, the 'abuse' wasn't too awful. I guess Step-Dick just kind of poked BF int he head with his knuckles. No marks or anything got left, but his head was sore when I saw him a few days ago. And sadly, getting Step-Fucknuts arrested would cause more harm than good. If he gets arrested and possible loses his job or has to pay fines, he would take it out on BF and probably seriously hurt him. Not to mention if he loses his job, there goes the money for BF's mother's medical care (which is obscenely expensive).

I guess I have just never seen someone not be passionate about something...well, BF loves video games. His dream job would probably be as a game tester, but just about every hardcore gamer with a work allergy wants to be one of those. But the thing is he often talks about how he worries he won't be able to be financially supportive in the future and how he's worried he won't be able to find a job, how he doesn't understand why he lacks motivation. So I don't think he's okay with any of this - I think he realizes that there's a problem, but he doesn't know how to fix it. This is why I have not lost faith in him: he's not like my ex, who is just fine and dandy living at home, doing nothing and gaming day and night. He wants to better himself, but something is holding him back. Fear, self-loathing, sadness, insecurity...it could be anything.

And BF has gone into both the Job Corps and the Marines to shut his parents up. Step-shit will get into his head and tear him down until he is nothing but pure vulnerability, and then convince him to do what he says. BF never wanted to be in the military, but he went. He ended up having a nervous breakdown and discovered he had a lung condition after his training. Job Corps was another forced endeavor, and while he enjoyed meeting new folks there, he said nothing they offered study-wise interested him, so he just did something so he wouldn't have to go back home and say nothing there interested him. He went into landscaping...which I know can be lucrative, but there are maybe three people in the whole area here who would hire a landscaper.

He was also forced to enlist in the Air Force, but I guess he was a bit too heavy. And Step-Ass is now trying to make him work for the oil-drilling companies all over the area since that's one of the few places that are hiring now. He doesn't want to since he doesn't know if he could handle 12+ hour days two weeks in a row...which is okay. Don't do work you don't think you can handle. Besides, a well exploded locally a few days ago and killed some people, and I'd be too worried about him.

I think he'd do well in an office setting - fuck, he can have my job if he wants. Both myself and a mutual friend are going to try and talk to him about maybe getting on government assistance until he finds a job and then getting into low-income housing. Just something to get the hell out of his house. Myself and all our friends will help if we can too.

[downforit2008]

I grew up in an abusive home. Here's some good advice, even though it seems to be coming years after the thread first came out.

Get out as quick as you can and as soon as you can! An abusive parent can totally ruin everything that is good about you and you begin to think you're worthless because that's how you're viewed as such by the abusive party. Everyone is capable of getting away for good. Live with a friend or another family member that's already moved out. My older sister ended up moving out when she was 16, over ten years ago, because she couldn't take the abuse from our rotten mother anymore. When our mom tried to convince her to move back in when she was in one of her good moods, my sister said "No way." and was able to have her own life from then on. Despite the fact that all of us are old enough to be on our own, my mom still wans us to move back in with her, or for her to move into our own places, and we won't allow it.

I'd rather be homeless than to go and live with her again.