*eye twitch* Can I disavow all knowledge of this man yet?(long)

[shankyknitter]

My papa is my paternal grandfather. I've got grandma and grandpa (mom's side) and nana and papa (dad's side).

I've never really gotten along with my papa. Know that one family member that you love because they're family? That's papa. I've broken this up into a bunch of little things because frankly if I attempt to make it cohesive it'll be a novel.

Easter 2006

My NanaG had done Easter at her house for as long as any of us could remember. She, at the time, was in her late 80s and could no longer do it anymore. Nana took over for her mother and started doing it at her and papa's house. The last egg was hidden really really well (duct taped to the inside of the laundry chute). Papa didn't find it, and threw a fit. He basically told Nana that the only reason she offered to host Easter at their house was because she wanted the attention and spot light. Cue Nana wandering into the kitchen to compose herself so she didn't start sobbing in front of her entire family from mother through to grandkids.

Diabetic my lily ass.

Papa is 'diabetic' and needs to watch what he eats. He doesn't. He says he's diabetic and needs to be on a diet when its convenient for him. Otherwise he constantly over eats, eats three quarters of whatever is made for desert then will raid the fridge during the week and eat anything he pleases. This includes things labeled 'Do Not Eat- Lunch for work' for Nana. Then he starts huffing and puffing when he needs to do chores or even walk up stairs. He makes a big deal out of how much pain he's in. But he can go golfing and walk an 18 hole course with no problem and no pain any time he wants to. But running the snow blower down the driveway is impossibly painful.

Me and college

Papa: Shanky where are you looking at college?
Me: x school, y school and z school.
Papa: you shouldn't be looking at those, you should be looking at (crappy local college).
Me: Why?
Papa: well, you're going to get married and have kids, you won't work after that and these expensive schools will be a waste of money. That and your parents should save the money so they can send your brother away to school. He's going to need to go away and you need to stay to help with your youngest brother.

Nana G's death- Or what pisses me off the most

Nana G died in September of 2008. I was out at school and couldn't make it home to see her one last time before she died. This was because when dad called and said she wouldn't last the night I told him to spend as much time as he could with his grandmother and say his good byes instead of driving 10 hours round trip to get me. I wanted my father to say good-bye instead of risking her passing while we were on the road. She passed away 6 hours after the phone call. Do I regret not getting to say good-bye? I always will. Would I make a different decision if I could do it again? Never. I made it back for the funeral and said my good-byes there.

Papa found out this summer that I wasn't there when she died. He remembered me being there for the funeral and assumed I made it home in time to say good-bye. He flipped out on me. For a good 15 minutes he flipped out on me, called me everything he could think of including selfish. Since she loved me so much and I should have been there so she could say good-bye ect...

What pissed me off most about this conversation? He insulted my father for leaving it up to me whether or not I'd come home. In his mind my father was worthless for not driving out to get me after I'd told him to stay home and say his own good-byes. I didn't say a word to defend myself but I did lose my temper at him about that one. Things were said, I don't remember them. He complained to Nana about it later, she took my side and tore him a new one. And wrote me a letter of apology.

Present day

Mom and dad are divorcing. Papa has been told not to bad mouth my mother anywhere where dad or my brothers and I could over hear it. My youngest brother doesn't know yet, he's 10. Mom and dad are telling him when dad moves out. First comment to me (dad doesn't know about this yet, I. Dealt. With. It.)

"I always told your dad that he was wrong in marrying your mother. Even way back when he missed paying me a car payment to buy her damned engagement ring."

I'm small. Most people describe me a shy, timid, mild-mannered or polite until they see me lose my temper. They forget that I'm a red- headed Italian Scotswoman. Papa is a 'Nam vet. Nana watched me tear into him since I bodily dragged him back into the house to have witnesses for the rant I was about to go on. I flung him (not sure how) into his damned chair and lost it at him. I'm a bard, I'm damned proud of the angry roar I can get when preforming, this is the first time I got it without intending to. I don't even remember what was said anymore. What I do remember is Papa starting to try to defend himself and cutting him off and continuing. Nana eventually pulled me back and gave me a glass of water and told Papa (who had started to yell back) to either shut up and sit there or get the hell out of her house because she was sick of it too.

This was a couple weeks ago. I've never lost my temper like that before or since. I don't want to. I want to cut off all ties with this man. The problem is cutting off contact with him means cutting off contact with my Nana who I love and don't want to lose.

Not sure what to do here.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

This is a case where you just have to tolerate the old shit as best you can so as not to hurt your nana.

I had cousins I would love to put in a sack with a cinder block and toss off a bridge. However, I tolerated them because I loved my uncle. As soon as he died, I cut off all ties with the cousins.

Just ignore him and his horseshit. I know that is hard (believe me, I know). You aren't trying to make a stand. You're doing what you have to do to make someone you actually do love's lot better.

[crazyofficeclerk]

I think you did what you could do. You made your point heard and now Kinkoid is right. You just have to deal with it the best you can and when you can' t deal anymore, you come right here and vent. That is what we are here for. To listen.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

wait... didn't you say somewhere you don't want kids?
Also: glad you've stood up to him. Please continue to do so, and try not to murder him or do permanent damage. You know how to find that line, right?

[blas]

Sounds like a bunch of us have some really, really awful grandparents.

[Treasure]

I don't see why you can't still visit your Nana, and tell "papa" to stfu if he has anything nasty to say; obviously you don't want to freeze him out entirely as it could make it uncomfortable for your Nana, but now that you've torn into him, you'd be surprised how much respect he could have for you; and if he attempts to get ugly with you again - look him dead in they and inform him that you are there to see Nana, and not him, and he can sit in his chair and leave the two of you to your visiting.

[csquared]

Your Papa is a bully. The only way to deal with a bully is to stand up to them. You made a great start. As soon as he figure out that you are not going to take it, he'll stfu.

Expanding on Treasure's advice:
When he is being "stupid" (you don't need to work. You need to get married and raise kids), tell him he is being stupid. His advice is worthless. Point out everything wrong in his argument. And do so with a smile.

If he raises his voice, if he mentions that which shall not be mentioned, etc., then use your bard training to bark him into his chair again.

May I also suggest that you take Nana shopping often. It will probably be painful for him to do that much walking.

[Seshat]

I'm going to contradict csquared.

When he 'disobeys' (ie, becomes bullyish), ignore him. (Only do this if you can keep it up, though).

Tell him once (and once only) that you will not tolerate that behaviour from him, and then pointedly ignore him when (not if) he continues.

Take Nana out for coffee or shopping, if she'll go. You might be able to get her to go with you by saying something like "I came by for a pleasant visit. I would like to still have that pleasant visit. Please?"

Whether csquared's advice or mine works best depends on whether your Papa "likes" arguments or not. If he does, he'll try to work you into an argument. At least it's attention, right?
It'll also depend on whether Nana is willing to leave him and go shopping/coffee/whatever with you.

[wagegoth]

It depends on how papa reacts as to whether you should follow csquared or seshat's advice. Some people are driven crazy by being ignored. Others are driven crazy when the person they're abusing doesn't back down. I'm going to agree with csquared on this one (usually I agree with seshat, but having dealt with this type of bully, I think standing up to him is the only way to handle it).

Your papa is a tool. He's bullied and pushed around his family for much of his life, and they've let him get away with it. Obviously, ignoring him isn't working. If he's retired, he may feel the loss of his job as if he had lost his masculinity, so he now reasserts his masculinity by pushing around the women in his life. Or maybe he's way old school and has always behaved like this with women. My guess is that most of the women in his life have walked away, ignored him, or put up with his blustering about. That's not working. He feels powerful, and their behavior only supports his false sense of self-importance.

So, now, it's up to you. If you feel better confronting him, then do it. At his age, the likelihood of him changing is small, and he won't do it without a shock. If you don't care whether he changes, or it's not worth the hassle to deal with him, then just ignore him completely, unless he absolutely gets in your face or abuses someone who won't stand up to him in your presence. At that point, let slip the dogs of war, because he has earned whatever lands on his head.