suggestions appreciated

[KellyHabersham]

*will try to keep this brief…….as always, any advice/suggestions, or just positive thoughts would be very much appreciated! Also, since some aspects of this could be Fratching material, I’m trying to keep the focus on parenting/communication issues *

My family had planned a trip to the local Renaissance Festival yesterday, and “Heather” (my daughter) decided that she didn’t want to go. So she stayed at home, with the understanding that she wasn’t supposed to have friends over.

However, it turned out that she did have one of her female friends over, and not too long after we got home, my Mom apparently found a condom in the hallway, and let’s just say that she assumed the worst possible scenario. (Both girls denied knowledge of how it got there, but I’d say it was more likely that they were playing around with it rather than anything else going on)

And while my mom is NOT talking about having Heather live elsewhere, she IS jumping to conclusions and thinking the worst about what kind of person she is/what her future will be. And although I do feel that Heather may have inherited some of her father’s more negative personality traits, and this does worry me a bit, I also see many signs that she is smarter than that and won’t necessarily turn out like him. (as my sister’s husband has pointed out, you can’t necessarily predict what someone is going to be like several years down the road)

Anyhow, I guess what I’m getting at is……is there a diplomatic way to explain to my Mom that assuming the worst/jumping to conclusions doesn’t help, and to get Heather to realize that her actions/behavior now will have an effect on her future? (Not that I understood that as a teen, but I’d like to save her having some of the same issues as I do)

[Kheldarson]

I'd say, first and foremost, if there wasn't a punishment meted out for having the friend over when she wasn't supposed to, you need to do that. That helps reinforce the idea that there are consequences.

Second, if you're still on a good conversational level with your daughter, I'd ask her for the story about the condom. Explain you're not going to get mad, but you do need to know if she knows why it was out. Take her word for it, whatever it is, unless or until you get definitive proof otherwise. And explain that too. Especially since if you do find out otherwise, there'll be a worse punishment since now you can't trust her word.

Then I'd sit with your mom and explain that she's actually influencing daughter negatively. And if she insists on her point of view, I'd defend your daughter.

Not a parent, but this is pretty much what my mom did on my behalf with other adults. And still does to an extent. So YMMV.

[KellyHabersham]

Well, Heather has never said exactly where the condom came from, but I basically got the impression that, as I had suspected, they were more into playing with it like a balloon than anything else.

However, since she and my mom don't really get along that well, (and I can't afford to raise her on my own), it may come to it that Heather would be better off living elsewhere. And since she does NOT want to live with her father, I'm not sure where that would be.......hopefully it won't ever come to that point.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

I'd tell her straight up "Heather, I want to save you time, heartache, and pain--I'm your mother, and I love you, so I want what's the best for you. So, here's what I've learned about {X, Y, Z}----"
This worked very very well with me and my mother. Also, tell her that there's lube on some condoms.

also, yeah-- something for having someone over when she wasn't supposed to! Definielty have consequences.

[Seshat]

Honestly, if she's a teen? I'd be inclined to have a supply of condoms in my bedroom drawer, along with a safer-sex guide and a good book about sex, sexuality, and sexual ethics. (Okay, that might be multiple books)

Or if your relationship with her is more open, give her the books and tell her where the condoms are if she needs them. I'm the sort who would give her the reasons for and against, and let her make her own decision.

My own parents were so disapproving of any sex before marriage that when I did try sexual things, I was afraid to even think of buying condoms - and didn't know about free condom programs Family Planning or Planned Parenthood sorts of places have. Looking back, I shudder.

I guess my point is that if I had a teenager, I'd try to strike a balance. And yeah, this is tangent to the original issue, but it IS one that either matters now, or will matter soon.

[ShadowBall]

I'd like to think the average teenager would be smarter than to leave a used condom out in plain sight, so yeah, I'd say they were probably just being silly with it. Shit, when my college gave out free condoms, my friend and I would take a couple and see what the biggest thing was we could fit on over (record stood at a three-liter soda bottle).

Also, don't let your mother talk to your daughter. She'll call her all sorts of colorful names. At best, it'll upset your daughter. At worst, she'll believe it since a loved one told it to her. But if you're all living together,this might be a lot easier said than done since you can't be there to shoo your mother away every second she has a fit at Heather.

Punish her for blatantly disobeying you as far as having friends over, and threaten further punishment if she's not honest about why the condom was out wandering the hallway all by itself. But don't be OMG fuming mad. My own mother got red-faced vein-popping screaming bloody murder mad over trivial shit like me forgetting a homework assignment and losing a few points off my grade for it, and this made me afraid of her. And it's not fun to be afraid of your own mother.

[Greenday]

I'm not sure how old your daughter is, but if she IS having sex, just be happy that she's smart enough to be using protection.