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**Jester** · 04-21-2011, 06:17 AM

(1) No idea. This one may be one you want to seek professional therapy for. Completely out of my league or realm of knowledge.

(2) At a guess, I would say you're overthinking it with the women. Just relax, stop worrying about things or trying to take things to another level, and enjoy the company of people you meet. You may be surprised by what ends up happening.

(3) You are getting overly aggravated by this. Look, you work like I do. I Get My Shit Done, and find that not everyone I work with does. For whatever reason, I often find myself working harder or doing something more thoroughly than some of my coworkers. Annoying? Sure. But what I am going to do about it? Get all stressed out about it? I have enough in my life to do that for. Why worry myself about something that I can't control. I am simply happy to do my job and do it well, and know that management knows that I do it and do it well. Look at it this way....if they continue to Just Get By, and you continue to Get Shit Done, odds are management will take notice of how you work. It's worked that way for me so far.

In summary: (1) No clue, (2) Relax and stop overthinking it, and (3) Relax and stop stressing over that which you have no control.

**ShadowBall** · 04-21-2011, 05:04 PM

It takes a lot to anger me too, honestly. It was my boss at my last job bitching at me and taking away all my outlets to keep my anger/stress/boredom/sanity under control (stressful job, mostly because of her). I had to use all my strength to not reach across her desk and choke her; this was not just me having a tantrum, this was me thinking, "I want to beat the fuck out of her and know I did it." Bad place to be. I've never hit anyone else, but that day was close. She's only one of two people my whole life who made me feel such rage.

And I'm not sure how much bearing anything I say on women will have since I am one, but I gotta echo Jester and advise just relaxing. Maybe don't try to go further - just be yourself and don't worry about impressing the ladies. That way, you can focus on just enjoying being around people in general and if something more happens to come about, then hooray. Personally, I went to college not looking since I was already with someone and I had at least half a dozen guys ask me out/fall in love with me. But I bet you anything if I was looking, no one would have so much as looked in my general direction. I'm a rather shy person too - I don't like being around people I don't know and I'm not a social butterfly.

And sadly, not everyone's a workaholic, but I don't think it's anything you can personally change. Everyone will work at a pace comfortable for them, whether that's alternating work and breaks all day or work work work for 10 hours straight and wearing a catheter so they don't have to stop to pee. Take pride in knowing that you are a good worker and will see a task through to the end, and leave other people to their own devices.

**Seshat** · 04-22-2011, 12:17 AM

Quoth TowelKing View Post

(1)I'm a fairly calm person. It takes me an unbelievable amount of anger for me to actually react outwardly to a person, verbally or physically. However, and I have yet to find a pattern, once in a while I will absolutely lose it on inanimate objects, to the point where I have ended up bending metal which shouldn't be bendable by hand. I have no idea why, or what sets me off, but it's usually something stupid.

Everyone has what I call a stress bucket. There is a fixed limit to the amount of stress a person can cope with.
This is total stress - good things, bad things. Noise, work, pain, illness, family problems, family happinesses, vacation plannings.

When the stress bucket overflows, you lose it. We all do. Nothing we can do about it. I don't care if you're Joe Bloggs or the Dalai Llama: your stress bucket overflows, you lose it. And yes, the thing that tips you over the edge is usually trivial.

However, the Dalai Llama knows how to feel where his stress bucket is, and how to consciously, deliberately empty it. THAT is his secret. Or rather, his not-a-secret, since he and the others in his religion try to spread their method for doing this. (Among lots of other things they do.)

If navel-gazing isn't your thing, though, don't worry - there's tons of ways to reduce stress, and to learn to tell just how stressed you are.

One of the best ways to reduce stress, for the healthy people, is free: walking, jogging or running. Really focus on the movement, though. Don't walk while trying to think about how to get Joe from Accounting to increase your budget, walk while focussing on how your body feels.

(2)From what I get told, I'm a fairly likable guy. I'm easy-going, funny, witty, etc. I dont have a problem making friends, male or female. But as soon as I try to take it any further, I inevitably end up fucking up, saying something wrong and then they don't talk to me again. I have no idea why....

Without more detail, I can't provide targetted help.

What's your motive for wanting to take it further?

Why do you choose the women you choose?

How do you approach the subject with them?

(3)I work hard for what I get, and what I have. But ever since moving, I have been surrounded by people who work different from me. I'm not sure why this is an issue, as they like working within the regulations that the government has laid out, but I'm a workaholic. The job I have right now doesn't have a finish time, I simply work until the job is done. But my coworker is adamant about going home right at 5PM every day (10 hours). For some reason, I get pissed off when I work with people who aren't workaholics??

10 hours is a long workday. Add a commute on either side, breakfast and dinner, and all the person accomplishes during that day is work and sleep. No time really to spend with their family, spend on housework or personal projects, or spend consciously de-stressing.

Your co-workers probably simply have different priorities from you: they consider that they have a deal with their employer. They provide their labour for X amount of hours, and are paid for that. Anything beyond that, they'd be providing for free - and at a cost to their stress levels, their lives, their health. Without some sort of compensation for those costs (or important factor like being an firefighter), why do it?

This in fact might tie in to point 1. You're taking on a burden of stress that people who aren't workaholic don't take on - thus, your stress bucket fills faster, and you don't seem to have methods of emptying it. So some random additional stress comes along, overflows the bucket, and boom!

**Amethyst Hunter** · 04-22-2011, 07:26 AM

Quoth TowelKing View Post

Well I haven't been here long, but I'm already posting here. Feck. Maybe you guys can help?
Cliffnotes: I have anger issues (1), social issues (dealing with women mainly (2)), and issues with people who don't have the same work ethic as me (3).

(2)From what I get told, I'm a fairly likable guy. I'm easy-going, funny, witty, etc. I dont have a problem making friends, male or female. But as soon as I try to take it any further, I inevitably end up fucking up, saying something wrong and then they don't talk to me again. I have no idea why....

(3)I work hard for what I get, and what I have. But ever since moving, I have been surrounded by people who work different from me. I'm not sure why this is an issue, as they like working within the regulations that the government has laid out, but I'm a workaholic. For some reason, I get pissed off when I work with people who aren't workaholics??

My .02? Deal with your anger issues FIRST and FOREMOST. Because odds are, that's likely where the rest of your issues - work and friendship/dating - are stemming from. You'd be surprised at how quickly anger issues in people can be transmitted to outsiders for them to catch onto. Though you've said you don't anger easily, that doesn't necessarily mean you don't anger at all.

On the surface, you might just be like "oh well, moving on" when something happens to annoy/upset you, but your subconscious stores that anger away for a rainy day. Trust me, it's keeping score every step of the way of every slight you experience, whether it's real or not. It actually doesn't matter if it is real or not because you feel it as a mark against you and the mind tallies it up as such, and what counts is what your mind says. When you get to a certain point where all the marks add up to a significant whole, that's when you snap and start bending metal.

When you carry that much anger it builds like a volcano until you blow, and when that happens, it tends to spill over into the rest of your life areas. And that never ends well for anybody involved - the eruptor or the targets. You need a healthy way to process, manage and express that anger WITHOUT hurting anybody, yourself included. There are counselors who specialize in anger management; it may take a while to find one that jells agreeably with you, but it's necessary and in the long run it just may save you a LOT of grief. (For instance: vivid displays of temper a'la metal-bending may well cost you your job!)

To get to #3 more in-depth, are your coworkers slacking? Cutting corners that they shouldn't? Foisting their jobs off on others? If not, there's nothing wrong with them wanting to follow the rules they've been given as long as they're doing their own jobs within reason. Nobody ever said on their deathbeds, "Man, I sure wish I'd worked more in life" - there's a reason why workaholics can be prone to things like heart disease!

Edit to add: Start keeping an anger journal. Detail the time, place, and specifics of any incidents, no matter how small or large, that prompt feelings of anger/irritation in you. You'll start to recognize the patterns and/or triggers for you, which will help you construct a plan to either avoid those triggers, or develop strategies to minimize their impact on you.

**Food Lady** · 04-22-2011, 06:16 PM

I agree with Amethyst Hunter. You sound a lot like me. I'm generally seen as witty, smart, easy-going, charming, etc. But somtimes anger gets the best of me and they're flabbergasted. It's not the Food Lady the know. I think the problem is like Seshat (I think) said, it all builds up and I don't do enough emptying (prayer is my method). Also, being female, I do have hormonal issues that affect brain chemistry. But a lot of it is my inability to accept that people/social mores/work systems aren't always going to conform to what I think is right. I'm going after changing my thinking as a whole. Also, even though you generally have a reputation as easy-going, the ladies probably pick up on the anger, and find a reason to blow you off. The great things about you are your work ethic and willingness to be open with us, to lay it all out. If you get counseling, those things will help you. Feel free to post anytime. We're a bunch of caring people.

**Seshat** · 04-23-2011, 02:05 PM

I'm trying to dig up the name of the philosopher who came up with this, but one of the sources of happiness is actually to lower your expectations.

More precisely, to align your expectations with what is realistic.

For an example: I have had to lower my expectations about pain. I will never be free of pain, I have to simply accept it.
Or - because I'm disabled and can't work - I have had to lower my expectations about what sorts of food, clothing and housing I can afford.

With regard to other people, I recommend always expecting them to be themselves. That sounds simplistic, but it's actually more complicated than it first appears.

Can I trust my husband?
Yes and no.
I can trust him absolutely to look after me when I'm sick.
I can trust him to love, care for and provide for the animals.
I CAN'T trust him to take the rubbish out on time, do the laundry, or stack the dishwasher.

If I allowed myself to expect him to take the rubbish out without being prompted, I'd be being constantly aggravated by that, and my stress (and anger) would rise. HE isn't going to change. So if I want to be less angry, less stressed, *I* have to change.

Original Poster: your workmates aren't going to change. Trust them to be themselves. Expect them to be themselves. When they exceed that expectation, be happy. When they don't ... well, that's what you were expecting anyway, right?

**teh_blumchenkinder** · 04-26-2011, 08:05 AM

Seshat, that's either Zen, Stoicism (which is multi-cultural), or Buddhism-- yes, arguably Zen is a branch of Buddhism... but meh.
The Ancient Greeks took a lot of words to say a little, fo' sho're
added to that, you also have to figure out ways to clear up sources of aggravation-- like in the garbage example: you want it taken out, you can do it, so do it instead of expecting someone else to if they aren't going to. Granted, in some cases, it must be the case that someone must do something-- ie their job, but that's what management is for. No one ever said philosophy was easy or simple...
EDIT: from the Wiki in the quotes:
Epictetus:

* "Freedom is secured not by the fulfilling of men's desires, but by the removal of desire." (iv.1.175)

**42_42_42** · 05-02-2011, 10:17 PM

Having a good work ethic is one thing, being a workaholic is another.

I have a good work ethic. I get to work on time, I make sure everything is done in a timely and professional manner, I don't slack off while at work, I don't take extra breaks and I don't call in unless I'm too sick to get out of bed. But I make sure that my work life and my non work life are in balance because otherwise I get overly stressed and my health and relationships and ultimately my work suffer.

My husband is a workaholic. This is not healthy and it is bad for relationships. It's the one thing I would change about him and the one thing I seek to change in him. If it weren't for me, he would easily work 12 hours a day 6 days a week at his job, because there's always more work to do, always another task or project. Because of the kind of work he does, I realize there are times that overtime is neccessary, but 12 hr days 6 days a week is not neccessary all the time.

Fortunately, my husband has finally recognized this after 8 years of marriage and is actively trying to make spending more time at home with his spouse a priority.

My point is, if you are truly a workaholic, then you need to strive to find a better balance in your life. Otherwise, if a woman should take an interest in you, she might not stick around if your work is more important to you than she is.

**Seshat** · 05-03-2011, 03:06 AM

42 is absolutely correct about the difference between a good work ethic, and workaholism.

Good work ethic: Provide good value to your employer, much as she listed.
(I disagree with the details on sick days - I think there are other criteria for when you should stay home sick - but meh.)

If you can't get all your assigned work done in the time allotted, that means your employer has not hired enough man-hours to do the work. Which is their problem, and NOT YOURS.
Have your employer (or your manager - his representative) help you prioritise your assigned work. Complete the work in priority order. Inform him of what has not been accomplished.
(Okay - that last paragraph is a bit 'ideal world'-ish. Do the above, but in a work politics, cover-your-ass manner.)

That is professional. Workaholism is not.

**42_42_42** · 05-03-2011, 10:19 PM

Quoth Seshat View Post

(I disagree with the details on sick days - I think there are other criteria for when you should stay home sick - but meh.)

By "too sick to get out of bed" I meant really and truly sick as opposed to some people who seem to call out every week for something trivial. Ya know?

**Seshat** · 05-04-2011, 07:31 AM

Ah. Right. My parents would mean that literally.

I've even been told I "wasn't that sick" when I had a gastro bug that was ... well. Enough said.

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