Long distance relationships

[Nyoibo]

This is probably going to be equal parts asking for advice and bitching so bare with me.

How the hell do you deal with it, the lack of closeness and intimacy, not talking much, not seeing them at all, I know there are people here in long distance relationships, I'm just wondering how people manage it.

Since my girlfriend has been gone my depressions been a hell of a lot worse, I cant seem to find any motivation to do anything, I don't have a job so my day's pretty much seem to consist sleeping and sitting in front of a computer, some days I can barely manage to force myself to get out of bed.

Also, I don't have a job, I can't seem to find one (although it seems I do have a job now, we'll see if anything eventuates from it) and so it seems there's no goal for me, I really want to go and see her, but with airfares so stupidly expensive and me not having any work all it seems is that I'm just going to be going longer and longer without seeing her.

Sorry, I'm rambling, I do that at times, I may also be a tad drunk, someone left a half full bottle of port next to my computer.

[MaggieTheCat]

My husband (boyfriend, at the time) and I did the long distance thing for...at least a year and maybe close to two, I don't remember exactly, before I moved in with him. It did suck, but here are a few activities we did together:

-Chat online a lot. This one's a given. It's actually how we first met. We chatted pretty much every night.

-Text/Call a lot. Also a given. We'd text each other when we were both at work, and I'd call him on my way home from work most nights, or after I'd gotten home from work.

-WoW. Yeah, seriously. We played WoW together a LOT. It helped when we played and talked on the phone at the same time (or you could use Skype or whatever, but we just called each other since we had free minutes.) Any other online game, be it an MMO or even something like online chess would probably work, depending on your interests. It really was just a tool for us to be able to do something together when we were so far apart; as soon as I moved in with him, we stopped playing entirely for like 6 months, and now we only play every once in a great while, whereas we used to play almost every night or at least several times a week.

-Reading. We read several books together over the phone. We'd take turns reading chapters to each other and then talking about them afterword. We'd also talked about watching movies together while on the phone with each other, but we never actually did this.

-Plan your next meeting so you have something to look forward to. This was a bit of advice that I got from a friend who was doing a long distance relationship while his girlfriend was away at college, and it did help, for me anyway. If you don't know when the next time you're going to see your SO is, it leaves you depressed and feeling unsure of the future. If you have a plan or a date, even if it's not set it stone right away, you at least have something to look forward to while your SO is away.

That's all I remember right off-hand, I'll ask my husband if he remembers any other tips.

[ArcticChicken]

When I was in an LDR we talked on the phone every single night, usually for a couple hours.

I've never tried this, but I know people who used to watch a tv show and be on the phone with each other.

[Nyoibo]

I should probably clarify, I'm in Australia, she's in the UK, we do chat online as much as possible, but with the time difference and her shows and my training it's hard to work around and I don't have a huge amount of money so calling her is infrequent since she's only got a mobile.

I am planning a trip over there, but with the not working and probably needing about $6000 to make it happen it seems like an impossible goal.

[ShadowBall]

I began seeing my BF about four months before leaving for college,and we did the long-distance thing the entire time I was there. He's not much of a phone conversationalist, so we'd talk online. That is, until, he got addicted to WoW. He might say a few words to me every hour or two (which is what he does still online). He had no money to come see me and I had no money to go see him.

Soooo I went out and tried to entertain myself all day, or I'd hang out with the one or two friends I had. There were times I was very lonely and depressed because my friends had dropped out or graduated and no matter how much I begged, cried and screamed to get BF to have a normal conversation with me, he would keep saying he had nothing to talk about, everything we could ever possibly talk about we have already discussed, sorry. The end. I don't know why it's so hard to come up with stuff to talk about, but I know BF's home life is rather depressing as well as highly uneventful, so I try not to hold his lack of conversation material against him.

But I'll be honest, I had a lot of crushes in college, and many of those guys returned the feelings. Definitely was hard to turn some of them down.

I love him, but he's a game addict. So I talk to friends - they keep me from getting lonely. He's a lot better in person, though - we may play games together or watch stuff together. I don't know, it's hard for us to find things to do since we have rather different interests.

I haven't seen the BF in several weeks due to college and homework I could not take a break from, so I do miss him loads at this point. Goddamn school.

[Moirae]

This is probably going to be equal parts asking for advice and bitching so bare with me.

How the hell do you deal with it, the lack of closeness and intimacy, not talking much, not seeing them at all, I know there are people here in long distance relationships, I'm just wondering how people manage it.

Since my girlfriend has been gone my depressions been a hell of a lot worse, I cant seem to find any motivation to do anything, I don't have a job so my day's pretty much seem to consist sleeping and sitting in front of a computer, some days I can barely manage to force myself to get out of bed.

Also, I don't have a job, I can't seem to find one (although it seems I do have a job now, we'll see if anything eventuates from it) and so it seems there's no goal for me, I really want to go and see her, but with airfares so stupidly expensive and me not having any work all it seems is that I'm just going to be going longer and longer without seeing her.

Sorry, I'm rambling, I do that at times, I may also be a tad drunk, someone left a half full bottle of port next to my computer.

My husband and I did long distance for 7 years. I'm from Canada, he's from the US. I live in the US now (moved here in 2008), but it was a long hard road to get here.

Through all that time, we've spent a heck of alot of money and time on traveling back and forth and on phone cards.

He missed my mothers suffering and death from lung cancer.

He made an emergency trip to see me when I nearly died in a car accident. I couldn't walk for a year, and my memory has been messed up for a long time. In fact, I only just remembered all of my childhood a few days ago. Yes, it was very very bad. I'm still in pain alot of the time, and I can't work a job that involves standing for hours on end. But I woke up and he was holding my hand. He may have been far away but he was always there. He listened when I cried because it hurt, and when I was frustrated because my memory, smell and taste wasn't working right. I never felt alone, because we'd talk for hours and hours and hours on the phone, with phone cards and with the internet.

It was a nightmare for me watching from 2000 miles away when Katrina wiped out everything he owned. New Orleans still hasn't recovered, and no one knows when it will, especially now that BP has caused the city alot of problems. It was incredibly painful for me to hear the pain he was in from the loss, and to watch the damage that was done. After so many years, his friends and family were my friends and family, and I love him. The last thing I ever wanted to see was something that caused him and the friends and family pain.

I was thousands of miles away when the planes hit on 911.

I've shed alot of tears over the years. Through it all, there was the telephone and the internet and saving money, sometimes for years, between the times we were able to see each other.

Yes, it was hard. Sometimes, it was damned hard. We nearly broke up once because of the stress of it all.

But you know what? If you feel its worth it, you hang in there. Eventually, it just becomes "the way it is" and its not so painful anymore. Saying goodbye temporarily will always be hard and there will always be tears.

Now I have left my home, my family, everything I've known and loved the most to be by his side. Because I love him more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone. He's respectful, and kind, intelligent, and funny, thoughtful, and strong. I can't imagine my life without him. It wouldn't be life without him by my side.

It was hard leaving, but I find it to be worth it. He's worth it. What we have together is worth it.

I miss my family and my country sometimes. But after 3 years, its not so bad anymore. We're both in our mid 30's and we probably won't have kids. Why? Well, we're not those type of people. That and the fact that we spent so many years separated that it would seem more a disruption than anything else. Maybe we will, maybe we won't.

That kind of love... its so rare. Most people will never know what that kind of love feels like.

So you need to ask yourself if she's worth it. If what you have is worth it.

If the answer is yes, then you need to get skype, a headset, she needs to do the same, and you two need talk EVERY night unless there's something important going on. No excuses. Even if you just don't feel like it, the only way you are going to remain connected is to be on the phone every single night, even if you hardly say anything while you are but you just sit there watching tv and listening to each other breathe and you start talking about something you just saw on tv, or on the internet, or you talk about your day, or something funny your pet did. But you MUST do what it takes to stay connected.

Is it worth it? I feel that it was so for me. But not everyone is meant for this kind of long distance thing. Alot of people just can't deal with it.

Do what it takes. If you feel its worth it. Real love needs to be cherished.

You'll learn a different kind of intimacy. That of real communication and understanding. You'll learn the sounds associated with her voice and her emotions. She won't even have to say anything if something is wrong, but you'll know what she's feeling just by the tone of her voice when she says hello. I was told once by my stepfather that my husband and I have better communication than people that have been married for 10 years. My answer to that is that we had to. It was how we kept the connection going. We have no secrets between us. And I trust him more than I've ever trusted anyone.

[AdminAssistant]

Fiance and I were long-distance for nearly a year. Now, we were only 8 hours apart, so we were able to see each other about once a month. We used MSN messenger, which has a webcam feature, and ventrilo. In order to use vent, you have to have pay for a server, but it's only $5/month. (It's very common among WoW players, which he was. Well, we both were.) We also played WoW together. Sometimes, we'd turn on our cams and I'd do homework while he played...any way to spend time together. He eventually was able to get a job and move, but that took quite a bit of doing. Even though he was transferring within his company, the fact that he was moving made it really difficult to get a position. It takes time, patience, trust, and a certain sense of independence.

[AccountingDrone]

Rob was career navy - 3 years at a sea command, 18 months at a shore command lather rinse repeat. I think that I actually spent about half the time with him *somewhere* but I just couldn't know where =)

I coped by sticking to a schedule when I wasn't working, and obviously on a schedule when i was working.

Always get up and do a morning routine at the same time every day. Makes sure you get fed and showered, and the house cleaned/laundry done and so forth. My routine was get up, pick up the bedroom and run the laundry to teh washer. Make and eat breakfast, then clean the kitchen. Pick up the living room, vacuum it and the bedroom. Clean the bathroom and shower, into clean clothes. Sprinkle liberally with watching TV between tasks. Run the laundry and get lunch - afternoon free for whatever. I took to making medieval and renaissance clothing for fun and profit because I was in the SCA. I did the SCA for company when Rob wasn't around. When Rob was home, I still pretty much kept to the same schedule though I would do things with Rob when his schedule allowed him to be home [like weekends and evenings] When I worked, I cleaned in the evenings and weekends.

In your case, since the other person isn't under water somewhere, you can work in plenty of texts, phone calls, MMORPG gaming online or vid chatting. Just, give yourself a schedule to keep busy with and not let yourself fugue out in depression. Schlubbing out makes depression worse. Trust me !

[fireheart]

This is probably closer to home long-distance, but my current bf and I have worked out our pattern for our relationship to a T. (he's closer to you actually-he lives in Mt. Barker, I live some 50km away from him closer to McLaren Vale and yummy Fruchocs )

-We talk a LOT. even if it's just for a few minutes a day.
-We do try and video-call. Get Skype as SOON AS POSSIBLE. Free video calling. Enough said. (make sure that headphones work)
-Do up some memory tapes of her and talk to her a LOT.

For your other unrelated problems, I'd suggest giving Lifeline a call, they might be able to help. If not, I'm sure swinging a sword around or playing with the fire whip can help

[Little Retail Rabbit]

You have my sympathy...trans-atlantic flights (UK-US) are so much cheaper than UK-Australian flights.

I've been with my fiance for about 7 years now, and we're actually reaching that point where we are sick of the distance, so we are making plans to apply for K1 later this year, so we get going with, you know, getting married and living together. Its hard, and when we are together, it almost makes things worse, because it just feels so right when we ARE together. I saw him in March, came home, and things were awful- a lot of my friends couldn't be bothered to get in touch with me (and whenever I tried to reach them they were just too busy), and my job is making me so stressed out and actually negatively impacting on the relationship now (I've bitched about this elsewhere lol). Hence the whole "we're going for it!" thing.

Bear and I don't use Skype, but someone I know with a soldier fiance uses it so their daughter can see daddy and says its great. Bear and I normally phone each other every other day, because being on the phone can make you a bit antsy...but recently we've talked more because it helps us cope with the shit we're having to put up with.

I imagine getting a job would help, so if you do get work soon, really give a good shot...I once read "there's nothing like work to get over disappointment" and to some extent, it is true; distracting yourself is a good thing. DO continue to have your own hobbies and social life etc for the following reasons:

-You won't be so depressed/bored etc
-You'll have something to talk about with your SO
-You won't resent the relationship so much.

I took up bellydancing Its great n_n

If you are suffering from depression, you should probably seek help, but one thing I find helps a lot is exercise. It releases your endorphins naturally and can be very beneficial (and is good for the body too, of course!).

Do you want to see her, or is she coming to see you? Perhaps you or she could look into getting a work visa. This was not an option for me, as the US has some really strict, slightly sucky laws, but my brother found it rather easy to get a year-long work visa last year for Aus.

It's going to be hard work, but if you guys can make it through it, you'll be rewarded *cheesy thumbs up*

[Nyoibo]

She's Australian, she actually lives about 15-20 minutes away from me here, but she's in the UK on a 6 month contract, I have hobbies, unfortunately circus training is also a constant reminder as she was the aerial instructor there I still enjoy it though.

And yes, fire and swords shall be this weekend.

[fireheart]

Throw yourself into the hobbies as much as you can. Hell, maybe turn them into a job if you can. (i.e. do some street performances up and down Rundle Mall-you may not be as good as that limbo dancer, but who doesn't love a street performance )

[Sapphire Silk]

I was in a LD relationship with my high school boyfriend for about a year after he moved to Germany (his parents were in the Air Force).

It sucked. This was back before the Internet was commercially available so we could not communicate online. LD phone calls internationally were prohibitively expensive. We tried a PBM D&D game for awhile, plus letters, but it really didn't work. We quit writing each other and moved on.

We're still friends though: we got back in touch when he came back to the US, and we've been friends ever since.

[Nyoibo]

Well, I now have a webcam, headset and skype, if I can just get the microphone working in skype hopefully we'll be able to have long talks, it was amazing how much happier I felt just seeing her on screen though.

[fireheart]

Well, I now have a webcam, headset and skype, if I can just get the microphone working in skype hopefully we'll be able to have long talks, it was amazing how much happier I felt just seeing her on screen though.

If your headset has a microphone in it, test it with someone you know who has Skype to get the microphone working and then you can go from there.

Also suggestion for girlfriend, if she can: try and get a wireless prepaid broadband stick (if they have those in the UK) and that may also help with internet connection.