I need to put this out there...

[Imogene]

Okay, I've had a vague, uncomfortable feeling for years now that the family just doesn't like me... probably caused in part by my telling them I like crossdressing, and have thought seriously about transitioning. They reacted... badly... "We're okay with that, but don't do it outside the house..."
What?
"We don't want coworkers or neighbors asking weird questions."
At the time, I couldn't get into Dad's job without a company issued keycard, and I went to Mom's job once a month at best. And, it's not like I'm shy about answering questions, no matter what they are. I am famous for answering a coworker's "Do you like me?" with, "No, I really don't. You see how I'm busy putting out movies and you're just standing around?" The parents could easily point neighbors at me to ask their questions, and, they'll either be too embarrassed to ask them, or I'll answer it. No biggie to me either way.

Anyway, I've had two attempts to move out, first with a coworker, then with a friend who I'd met while living with that coworker, and a friend of her's... both attempts ended in the parents having to rescue me from my roommates throwing me out suddenly because they can't wrap their head around the possibility that I don't need human interaction... and was living off my disability money...

Mom & Dad have been dropping hints about me attempting to move out again. And for the past few months, I've been getting offers from friends in other states of places to stay, as I'm sick and tired of living in Texas, much less near the parents.
First friend was in North Carolina... Mom's response to that was, "What? Do you love him?"
What if I do? What the hell does that matter?
He told me at one point that he was going to save his tax return to get me to North Carolina, and Mom got pissed.
I've had a few friends in Canada offer rooms, but they can't help me get there... it'd be all on my shoulders.
Currently, I have a friend in New York who has offered a room, no big deal, if I get a job and pay rent. I made an offhand comment to the parents that I want to save for a plane ticket to visit said friend. Mom's immediately suspiscious. "Okay, what's his story?"
J: "What?"
"What's his story? How do you know him?"
J: "Online, for about a year now. He has two jobs, lives alone with two cats, and lives outside New York City...?"
Dad pipes in, "You couldn't afford to live in New York even with a roommate... also, winter in New York gets cold..."
NO, really? Next, you'll tell me grass is green...

Side story:
I told Mom a few weeks ago that I am really starting to hate this job, it's only serving to wear me down, and make me wake up hating the days I do work.
"Well, you could always apply to the stores near home."
Two things: 1) Have done, at least to the closest one, 2) It's the company, not the store, as far as I can tell. Same shit, different location, if I move to a different store.

Anyway, for many years now, I've had a thread running through the back of my head of just picking up and driving away, leaving absolutely no warning or information about where I'm going. Just take the few boxes I absolutely must take with me, and a few electronic things, and go. And make no attempt to ever talk to the family again.

Another aside: The parents like to ask me why I think so differently from the rest of the family?
Well, that's at least a two part answer: 1) Have you EVER had a stroke? 2) Did you have it before you turned 18? It fucking turned my life on my ears... If the answer to either of those is no, YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND MY LIFE! I rebuilt my thought process from the ground up during therapy.

Aside to the aside:
Mom has been forcing me to save money from the disability pay I get to try to pay down my bills, get a car, and maybe move out...
My two biggest bills gave me sudden options for getting out of them entirely, and I was damn tired of getting constant collection calls, so I took them.
Mom's response? "All that money you'd saved, gone..."
TO PAY off MASSIVE Debts! And mom's angry?
Hey, the car I was borrowing from the parents died suddenly, and, CarMax approved me for a loan on my own credit score... I AM paying for a car! ME! Mom's pissed that I only had about a $1,500 down payment for it. I was approved on that down payment, remember.
It's my money, so long as I'm paying my bills, and not falling behind on any of them, I don't need you to control my money, and I'll spend the rest how I see fit. All you're doing by telling me not to spend it is creating a desire in me TO spend it. It's forbidden, and thus, tempting.
And, as shown above, I've had a few attempts to move out on my terms, and the parents keep holding me back. "What do you know about them?"
J: "Lots, and I trust them, cause, funny thing, I can read people over the internet. I've met four people I trusted from the internet in real life, and they turned out to be exactly what I expected of them. The attempts to move out that ended in disaster were because I'd known them all of a few months, and opportunities arose to get the hell out of Dodge."

Anyway, back to the important part, friend in New York admitted to me the other night that he has feelings for me, which is a big step in and of itself, cause he doesn't admit that to anyone, about anyone. And, if I can get there, I have a place to stay, if I help pay bills and have a job. Both things I am willing to do for him.
The parents have a trip planned... next week, I think, and I've caught myself thinking... "They'll be gone a whole week... I could easily pack up the things I want to take and just leave while they're gone, mail them back my cell phone, through an intermediary friend... it could be done..." And, the idea makes my thoughts drift upward, and I get happy feelings ever so briefly at the thought.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

do it.
do it.
do it.
best wishes, swift hands, and tireless legs. You're a big kid, you can be out on your own. Whether they like you or not, you are independent-minded; it's a little rocky financially, but you don't have much in the way of hindrances, like say a child or a pet.
(do it.)

[ArcticChicken]

It's absolutely insane, and you should do it.

Maybe write your parents once in a while to let them know you're OK? I get the impression that while they don't understand you, and are paranoid and uptight, they do love you.

[Mikkel]

I'd vote for giving your parents a mail drop or some other way to send you messages and assure them that you are live and well
I don't doubt they are maddening and don't understand you at all but, as Arctic says, they probably love you.
I have been in the parents role in almost the same scenario, and I still remember how worried I was until my daughter contacted me.

[MaggieTheCat]

They sound kind of like my parents, maybe a little more extreme but not by much. What ArcticChicken said...they do love and care for you, to the point that they're trying to smother you to protect you. My parents did the same thing and it wasn't till I moved out (and out of town) that they stopped trying to protect me. Try not to burn too many bridges with them, since it sounds like they are willing to help you out if shit really hits the fan.

I will just say this, not to discourage you, but to warn you (although you might already know this.) You don't really know a person till you live with them. You can be friends with someone for years online or even in person and think you know them really well, but when you start living with them, you'll find out things you didn't realize. I had a really good friend who I met online and knew for like 5 years before we met. I thought we'd get along fabulously in person...we didn't. We were complete opposites in person, and she was a complete and total slob. She only visited me for a week and within that time I knew that our idea of moving in together was kerplunk. I'd never be able to handle her for more than a few days.

That said, you do need to get out from under your parents' wings, so I say take the plunge, if you feel like you know the person well enough and are ready for it.

[Parrothead]

Do it. Set up a PO box and send them letters every so often with that as a return (if you can do that, is that legal?).

[Aethian]

Do it. Set up a PO box and send them letters every so often with that as a return (if you can do that, is that legal?).

Very legal and in a case like this, very smart.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

It would be a very much different situation if you'd never lived on your own.
(You have.)
It would be a very much different situation if you didn't know how to take care of your own finances.
(You do.)
Your parents probably are the "smother" type, out of care and concern and love; I've seen several (very personal) situations where the child and the parent(s) are very different people-- some overcome that, some don't. Like my sister and my mom, and my room-mate and her parents. (That can be elaborated further if desired.)
How many opportunities will you get like this, to surprise the crap out of someone??

[charred]

I don't know you from Adam or Eve, but I have Transvestite/Transgender friends, so here's my 2 cents anyway.

The problem is that your parents still see you as the teenage stroke victim, not as an adult. I'm sure they love you and want to protect you and help you "mature" (as they understand it), but don't know how to go about it.

I think they probably see you being TV/TG as being caused by your stroke, FWIW.

You should move out, but you should plan it thoroughly first. You don't have to tell your family, but you should save up as much money as you can and actually write up as detailed a plan as possible. With contingencies; as many as you can think of.

As for romance, I don't know how much experience you have, so I'll just warn you that being TV/TG can complicate things in unexpected ways on both sides, so be careful! You don't want to strand yourself in a bad situation with no way to get out.

BTW, I'm 37, and have a family of my own, and my mother is still trying to protect me. She hasn't a clue what she's doing, but she can't help it.

[Seshat]

I'm 42, have been living independently from my folks since I was 18, and they still want to look after me.

It happens.

[ShadowBall]

My mother does similar things. I'm not a cross-dresser, but I don't dress much like a "typical" female. I wear tight jeans, men's shirts, bandannas, and combat boots. And my mother is of the mindset of, "You can wear that around your friends, but not around anyone I might know from work."

Case in point, her and I argued over me wearing a bandanna to a dentist appointment because she felt people who know I'm her daughter would think less of her as a person and as a parent because I have a "rag" on my head. Basically, she has to approve my outfit before we go anywhere in public. She screamed bloody murder at me for choosing to wear black pants with a silver zipper to a funeral and she hid the pants from me and forced me to wear pants of hers that were too short and a shirt that was too sizes too small.

I've never personally lived on my own...as in never had to totally support myself by working and paying my own bills. Closest thing I've done is been in college in a dorm, and as far as getting to places, eating, money management, keeping a schedule...yeah, I can do that. So you're already doing well in the sense that you have lived on your own before.

My mother likes to try and smother-protect me too. Also, she seems to like keeping me in a slight state of helplessness. For example, I was saving up money to buy a car. I am not "allowed" to have a bike or a moped because someone will intentionally run me off the road and kill me. I didn't qualify for any student loans to attend the graduate school she is forcing me to attend, so I had to surrender every cent I had - several thousand dollars - to this fucking school. There went a step toward independence and getting the hell out of here. Sounds like your parents might not be controlling like mine...sounds like they do have your best interests in mind, but they don't know when protection turns to suffocation.

If you have the ability, I say fly the coop. I personally would if I could too, but I have no money, I have nowhere to go, no job, and I have three cats I refuse to abandon, give away, or put to sleep.

But in your case, I would be wary of moving immediately in with someone who professes love. That's not a bad thing - it sounds sweet - it's just if things don't work out, what if you are stuck in a lease for several months with someone who you no longer want to be around? That's never any fun.

Regardless of what you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck and I hope getting to where you want to be is with minimal complication.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

Juwl!
What's the haps?
Are you movin' on up? >_>
(also, I totally missed the 'profession of love' thing the first time, so I'll say this: whatever happens, make sure you're mature enough to put what needs to be said out there. Yeah, it'll be awkward for a few moments, days, possibly weeks, but the bullet of honesty got bit, and hopefully he can reciprocate. If things go pear-shaped. If.)

ShadowBall, I dress in jeans that are mildly fashionable, t-shirts that aren't tight/cutesy, and I wear no jewelry (recently, gotten out of the habit), and I wear flip-flops, tennies, the sort of shoes. Also, I put my hair back in a pony tail and leave it. Don't know/haven't taught myself to do anything with it yet. So far, the only guff I've gotten is from my sister, who suggests that I dress more flirty. Which is surprising from her.
Your mother has problems, serious, you-need-intervention problems. Buy a bike anyway. Make sure it's one of those cheapies from the Youth Ranch or Salvation Army-- just in case. It shouldn't cost more than a hundred bucks-- I've seen perfectly good bikes for 20 there!

[RetailMom]

I agree 100% with what Charred wrote. Every word of it. It is time to move, but a big move like this takes planning and forethought. Take your time, and do it right!
As for cutting off ties with your family and simply disappearing? Maybe not so much. You said that you feel they don't like you very much, and that they reacted badly to your TV/TG news. I don't know the whole story, but you still have a place to live and are apparently on speaking terms with your family. I know people who don't even have that much. When my brother's husband came out to his family his father beat him so badly that he was hospitalized. Neither of his parents nor his sibling have spoken to him since the incident. That was nearly seven years ago.
Your family's reaction of "We're okay with that, but don't do it outside the house..." while appalling is a fairly common one. And it might indicate they are open minded enough to eventually come around to true acceptance. At the very least all of the actions you write about suggest that your family loves you and want what is best for you. It always takes a parent a while to figure out when a child is finally mature enough to figure out what is best by themselves.
Keep the lines of communication open, even if and when you are doing it from across the country, and good luck with the move!