Mom's partner is sick - may be cancer

[Sapphire Silk]

My Oma lived for 6 years after being diagnosed with lung cancer-- which has an expectancy of up to 6 months. Every one of the medical staff attributed this to her lifestyle-- she did her 'little old lady' exercises, walked, and took care of herself a little bit more than she had been.

Attitude has everything to do with survival rates. Many hospice patients live far longer than their 6mo prognosis because they stop worrying about fighting and think about living.

He had a few months. Long enough to see us, long enough to do a few things he wanted to do, long enough to make sure his wife was set up to be alright.

Unfortunately, because of the type of cancer, they couldn't give him enough pain meds to keep it properly under control; not without putting him in a hospital with a morphine pump. And he chose to be at home.

I could describe it further, but let's just say 'slow, painful, nasty'. And 'I wish he'd had the option of euthanasia'.

Seshat I am so sorry to hear this. Did you have hospice in your area?

Wow, I'm sorry to hear about your FIL, Seshat.

As far as this guy, I think my mom's going to make him go to every appointment. But I'm confused about what the hell is going on as far as treatment...apparently cancer cells were present in the fluids sent for testing and the CAT scan/x-ray showed a mass on the lung...but his next appointment is to talk to a doctor so he can set up another appointment to find out where the mass is and how bad the cancer is?

Wouldn't they already know that from the tests? I mean wouldn't a specialist already have looked at the test results to determine that information before saying make an appointment for surgery? And I'm sadly seeing a lot of information about how pleural effusion is often a sign of advanced (stage four) non-small-cell cancer. On the other hand, I am also reading about how stage four is only reached when the cancer has spread to other areas and it might be inoperable at that point. So...WTF? I'm very confused. Is surgery done to diagnose and to treat? Why would they want to do surgery on potentially inoperable cancer? Forgive my ignorance - I don't know much about cancer treatments.

In any case, people in here seem to be calmed down a lot more. Something also tells me people may not realize the cancer might be advanced and that's why they aren't freaking out nearly as much. In any case, I'm hoping for the best.

I hope for the best as well. He may need to have more specific imaging testing done beyond the standard CT scan to get a better idea where the mass is, and to biopsy (called mapping) the chest to make sure there isn't cancer they CAN'T see. The specialist should be able to explain more . . . that's an excellent question to ask.

A biopsy is a surgical procedure . . . that's the diagnosis part.

Removal of the lung is one of the surgical options . . . that's the treatment part. It would probably be followed up with chemotherapy. Radiation therapy could be used to shrink the mass.

A frank conversation about the prognosis is in order. If he decides not to seek treatment, what is his goal? Is it that he doesn't understand overall options of treatment, a state of denial, or simply that he's made a decision about how he is going to live his life. That's the hard part. I don't think his decision not to have surgery has been well thought out yet.

A meeting with a therapist would be a good idea at this point, to help him figure out what he really thinks and what he really wants from what is probably a lot of different emotions he's dealing with right now. THEN he can make a real decision as to what he really wants.

But when he does make a decision, even if it is a hasty one or a "bad" one, or just not the one everyone else thinks he should make, try to respect it as best you can. It is his life after all.

I do hope all works out well in the end.

[ShadowBall]

I don't know...while I know it's statistics and textbook cases, what I'm reading says the cancerous pleural effusion is usually typical of stage IIIB or stage IV non-small-cell cancer. I know once in a while, there are exceptions - I know there are folks on the web who will tell their story about how they had inoperable stage four lung cancer who were given six months to live five years ago.

I must be mad...I've been very sad for the last couple days over this. Not over him necessarily because I don't like him, but just over my mom. I'm hoping for the best, yet preparing for the worst...I just am sad knowing how upset my mother will be if she loses this guy. As much as she pisses me off sometimes, it really does break my heart to see her upset and I know there won't be much I could do for her. And she never goes to see friends ever, so she wouldn't have anyone but me to go to. She disowned her family many years ago, so she wouldn't even accept support from them.

I know I'm being negative and making assumptions by thinking the worst, but I can't help it. I admit I'm a pessimist, but I'm trying to put up a strong front for everyone else.

I think he probably just doesn't want treatment because he figures it'll be pointless to get chemo or surgery to live for maybe a couple more months. He's not in denial - he's the one who has been saying he's going to die the last week. And he's likely saying it out of fear and depression.

I know it's not a guaranteed death sentence to have advanced cancer and some people can manage it with treatment and live for years, but I know with many types of cancer, odds are not in the patient's favor. But I'll keep hoping for something good. A friend of this guy's was diagnosed with bone cancer and was given six months to live. That was three years ago. If I knew my mother would take losing this guy better than I expect, then I wouldn't be quite as upset. I guess I worry she'll make herself very sick over losing him and I don't want anything to happen to her.

Sorry if I'm rambling at this point - my mind's just kind of everywhere right now.

[Seshat]

See the chart teh_blumchenkinder posted? My FIL had Pancreatic cancer.

Yes, surgery can be exploratory (to see what's happening); usually done in places like the pancreas where none of the ultrasounds, Xrays, and other nonsurgical options work well.

Surgery can be biopsy - to take a snippet of the cancerous material and figure out what the heck type it is.

Surgery can be therapy. Take out as much cancer as possible, leave as much healthy tissue as you can while removing the cancer.

Other than surgery, radiation therapy is an attempt to target the cancerous cells and kill them off. It also kills off nearby healthy tissue, which sucks but is the way it has to be.

Chemotherapy is basically filling the body with poisons, and hoping the cancer dies before the patient does.

They didn't use chemo on my FIL because there was no hope of a cure, they were just trying to make him as comfortable as possible. Filling someone with toxins is kind of counterproductive to that.

Panacea: he and my MIL were offered the full range of facilities available; and they're in a major city and were being treated at a major hospital in that city. I'm sure hospice care was offered.
They made their free, informed choices. I know FIL, and he'd have hated a hospice. He wanted to stay in his own home, so they did what they could for him under those conditions.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

<snip>
I must be mad...I've been very sad for the last couple days over this. Not over him necessarily because I don't like him, but just over my mom. I'm hoping for the best, yet preparing for the worst...I just am sad knowing how upset my mother will be if she loses this guy. As much as she pisses me off sometimes, it really does break my heart to see her upset and I know there won't be much I could do for her. And she never goes to see friends ever, so she wouldn't have anyone but me to go to. She disowned her family many years ago, so she wouldn't even accept support from them.

I know I'm being negative and making assumptions by thinking the worst, but I can't help it. I admit I'm a pessimist, but I'm trying to put up a strong front for everyone else.

Just make sure it doesn't color your more permanent decisions...

I think he probably just doesn't want treatment because he figures it'll be pointless to get chemo or surgery to live for maybe a couple more months. He's not in denial - he's the one who has been saying he's going to die the last week. And he's likely saying it out of fear and depression.

I know it's not a guaranteed death sentence to have advanced cancer and some people can manage it with treatment and live for years, but I know with many types of cancer, odds are not in the patient's favor. But I'll keep hoping for something good. A friend of this guy's was diagnosed with bone cancer and was given six months to live. That was three years ago. If I knew my mother would take losing this guy better than I expect, then I wouldn't be quite as upset. I guess I worry she'll make herself very sick over losing him and I don't want anything to happen to her.

Sorry if I'm rambling at this point - my mind's just kind of everywhere right now.

It's okay to ramble-- here, especially. This is a venting mechanism, so it won't be thrown back onto people you don't want it to be thrown on. Like your mother. Like you said, you love her, and so you don't want her to hurt. That's rational and reasonable (for love, anyway! ), and make sure you don't stress yourself out too much-- there isn't much you can do aside from being there and helping with chores or whatever. Make sure you sleep, eat, and do something relaxing each day (if you can stomach it). At least sleep and eat? >_>
Also, you are probably right about him being afraid and depressed. This is more than some people cotton onto. Being confronted with death is big, in the Western hegemonic culture.
EDIT: Seshat, I'm glad your father-in-law could make his own decisions... some illnesses take that away completely.

[trailerparkmedic]

I know FIL, and he'd have hated a hospice. He wanted to stay in his own home

I don't know how things work in Australia but in the US hospice at home is an option. I think most hospice is actually done at home--Panacea will certainly correct me if I'm wrong, since that's one of her jobs. I'm not trying to make you feel bad about what happened with your FIL (I am very sorry for your loss and that it was such a painful process for all involved) but just want to let you know for the future, in case someone you know is in need of hospice.

[ShadowBall]

I usually help out with chores anyway, but the thing I will need to do is learn how to use the riding lawn mower on my mother's hilly yard since that was his job. Even if he does get better, odds are good he won't be mowing the lawn. But my BF promised to show me how to do this; his couple years of landscaping classes taught him something. I'll be amazed if my mother "allows" me to do this - I'm smart enough to go to college, but apparently not smart enough to use a lawn mower.

As far as the winter time, I might try convincing her to set up a winter fund, which is basically maybe a jar both of us put money in all year round to pay someone with a plow to clear off the driveway. Her driveway is long and steep and I've damn near fainted trying to shovel it, and Mom's getting too old and stiff to be out there shoveling too.

I'm not sure why surgery would be done to root around since I'd imagine they could determine the type of cancer from the testing already done, and it sounds like they got a pretty good view of where things have sprouted up, so here's hoping maybe for taking out the problem lung and possibly chemical treatments to deal with the rest. I just hope no one is kidding themselves because even before I began reading more about all this, I knew that once symptoms start up, that usually means the cancer is advanced.

Part of me wonders if the guy is going to try to get treatment at all. Today he had me looking up information on a local homeopathic chiropractor, so I'm hoping he intends to do that in conjunction with hospital cancer treatment. I think homeopathy might be able to provide relief and maybe help to deal with side effects of things like chemo and radiation, but I'm personally a bit of a skeptic as far as what it can cure besides pain and stress. (Sorry to anyone who uses or practices homeopathy)

And trust me, I'll be okay. I just worry I'll have to Baker Act my mother. I wonder if she would take offense to a suggestion of taking anti-depressants. Even before all this mess happened, I strongly think she should have been taking anti-depression and anti-anxiety meds, but she doesn't even have money for what is needed.

Another thing she worries about (something on the back burner, of course) is the fact that the guy tore the front yard up last spring with one of those mini bulldozers and it's a godawful mess. Now he says he won't be able to finish it and Mom is concerned that if a time comes when she has to move, no one will ever consider buying her house. This isn't a primary concern right now, but you get the idea.

[Mikkel]

As far as I can see the guy will be able to live a fairly normal life after the treatments, even if he ends up minus one lung. He should certainly be able to drive a lawn mower or a bulldozer.
Try this homepage. It was the most informative one I found, even though the treatments described isn't exactly the ones used here (for colon cancer).
He should try to get the surgery as fast as possible. Every day wasted is a day where the cancer can spread.

[Sapphire Silk]

I don't know...while I know it's statistics and textbook cases, what I'm reading says the cancerous pleural effusion is usually typical of stage IIIB or stage IV non-small-cell cancer. I know once in a while, there are exceptions - I know there are folks on the web who will tell their story about how they had inoperable stage four lung cancer who were given six months to live five years ago.

The scary thing about cancer is that no one is really sure how long someone will live. Everyone responds to treatment differently, and one's mental attitude makes a huge difference in response to care. Those with a strong faith are more likely to respond better (strong religious faith has been shown to impact outcomes . . . but only the folks who have had strong faith for years, not ones who "bargain" with God).

Yeah, the cancer sounds very advanced, and that's not a good thing. He certainly needs to follow up with diagnostic testing to find out what if any treatment is available. I'm trying not to sound too doom and gloom . . . I don't know all his circumstances. But late lung cancer does not usually respond to treatment other than to improve some symptoms on a short term basis. Which is why he needs to have an open and frank discussion about his prognosis and options, and decide what he wants. If he doesn't make the decision, a crisis will decide it for him: he'll end up in ICU hooked up to machines and tubes. If he doesn't want that, he should speak up now and say so, and put it in writing (a living will or health care POA).

I must be mad...I've been very sad for the last couple days over this. Not over him necessarily because I don't like him, but just over my mom. I'm hoping for the best, yet preparing for the worst...I just am sad knowing how upset my mother will be if she loses this guy. As much as she pisses me off sometimes, it really does break my heart to see her upset and I know there won't be much I could do for her. And she never goes to see friends ever, so she wouldn't have anyone but me to go to. She disowned her family many years ago, so she wouldn't even accept support from them.

Hey, just cause you don't like the guy doesn't mean you want bad things to happen to him. You don't have to like someone to feel compassion for them Ditto for your mom.

I know I'm being negative and making assumptions by thinking the worst, but I can't help it. I admit I'm a pessimist, but I'm trying to put up a strong front for everyone else.

Your reaction is understandable and normal. The thoughts you are having are very similar to what I've seen other families go through.

I think he probably just doesn't want treatment because he figures it'll be pointless to get chemo or surgery to live for maybe a couple more months. He's not in denial - he's the one who has been saying he's going to die the last week. And he's likely saying it out of fear and depression.

He may very well think that way. Grief has 5 distinct stages: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, and Acceptance. Not everyone goes through every stage, and not necessarily in any order. Some people will complete one stage, then revisit it. It's not so much a path as an experience. Your assessment of his attitude is likely spot on. And that's OK. When my grandfather was dying of COPD, he started with Denial and never moved past it. He died in denial. But he did accept hospice care, and did very well with it. Hospice doesn't always mean stopping treatment; some treatments (like radiation) are continued because they have real palliative care benefits.

I know it's not a guaranteed death sentence to have advanced cancer and some people can manage it with treatment and live for years, but I know with many types of cancer, odds are not in the patient's favor. But I'll keep hoping for something good. A friend of this guy's was diagnosed with bone cancer and was given six months to live. That was three years ago. If I knew my mother would take losing this guy better than I expect, then I wouldn't be quite as upset. I guess I worry she'll make herself very sick over losing him and I don't want anything to happen to her.

Like I said, everyone responds to treatment different. Your mom's bf should not make his decisions based on how someone else did, but rather on his own values, beliefs, and what he knows about his diagnosis and options.

Sorry if I'm rambling at this point - my mind's just kind of everywhere right now.

No worries. It's very normal. I hope this is helping.

See the chart teh_blumchenkinder posted? My FIL had Pancreatic cancer.

Panacea: he and my MIL were offered the full range of facilities available; and they're in a major city and were being treated at a major hospital in that city. I'm sure hospice care was offered.
They made their free, informed choices. I know FIL, and he'd have hated a hospice. He wanted to stay in his own home, so they did what they could for him under those conditions.

Hmm. Well, hospices do vary greatly from place to place, based on the resources they have to them. Most start off very small and grow over time.

Hospice generally offers care in 3 types of settings: homecare (most hospice patients are actually in home care), long term care (hospice works with the nursing home staff), and a dedicated hospice unit.

When my dad died of liver cancer, he was in the hospital. I was trying hard to get him home on hospice, because that's where he wanted to die. You can't usually get admitted to hospice while still in the hospital, and I needed to have a hospital bed and a home health nurse to take care of Dad before I brought him home from the hospital because Mom and I were incapable of doing it (she has osteoporosis and is very frail, and I'd just had my gall bladder out).

However, the hospital was pushing us to move him into a nursing home for a couple of days while we set it up (it was a weekend). I think Dad died on purpose . . . to avoid a nursing home.

He should try to get the surgery as fast as possible. Every day wasted is a day where the cancer can spread.

While I'm not optimistic about a successful surgery, I do agree with Mikkel that bf should make a decision and soon. The longer he waits, the worse any chance he has gets.

[ShadowBall]

The guy brought home some notes when he found out cancer cells were present after testing, and the surgery he's going to be getting is, I believe, a thoracoscopy so he can find out what stage and the prognosis. And I know it won't be good news - again, not trying to be a pessimist, but I just know that once you're at a place where you've got a malignant pleural effusion, that's a very bad place to be.

I just really truly hope the doctor says this gently and that some treatment can be offered. I understand late-stage cancer cannot be cured - just managed, so I guess I'm hoping management options can be offered so he and Mom aren't just told, "Sorry, nothing will help." Even if it's taking out the lung and doing radiation or chemo. Just something. I understand these symptoms can be either stage III or stage IV, so if it's got to be one of those, I'm hoping for the earlier and slightly more manageable stage. Symptoms came on pretty quickly, probably beginning in February. And here's where I found my info:

http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/w...ng/AllPages#h1

The notes also said that the thoracoscopy was the first operation to be done. Surely whoever examined and tested him would know how serious his symptoms would be in relation to the stage of the cancer, but then if it was too serious for surgery beyond a diagnostic operation to be considered, why would he be told to get more surgery? Again, hoping hoping hoping. Fingers crossed, throwing salt over the shoulder, or whatever other thing people suggest doing for luck.

I guess I, like many, hate not knowing and am trying to figure things out. Based on what I've learned in the last week, I can probably guess what the diagnosis will be. And the guy isn't religious or faithful to any belief system either. He may become such after his appointment, for all I know. The day of his appointment, I will just prepare for the worst news in the event my mother comes home in hysterics if she's told there's nothing that can be done.

Thanks again for letting me vent here. I'm going to need a lot of strength - for myself and my mother - in these next couple of months. I know things are going to be depressing, maddening, chaotic, and dramatic.

I guess...what can I do for my mom? I can be there to talk to her, definitely. What else can I do, both while the guy is here and if/when he ceases to be such? Should I do my best not to cry when my mother will be sobbing, or can I break down too? Should I try and keep things that remind her of him at bay or leave them out and let her decide? Should I find information on cancer support groups and hotlines or will that seem cold and indifferent? Should I be prepared to call the psych ward in the event she starts saying she wants to die/kill herself, etc.?

I've just never dealt with something like this and it's scary. I worry I'll fail at helping my mother see through this. When her parents died, she was fine within less than a year. When this guy just left for another woman for a year, there was not a day that went by when she wasn't depressed...right up until he came back. I don't know if it'll be easier or harder to cope if the guy is actually gone.

As a final note, here's the shit that confounds me...early stage lung cancer can be found in the pleura (lining of the lungs). But it's not until stage III or IV that the cancer can be found in the pleural fluid? How the hell's that work? I don't doubt what's written, but I just don't get how cancer can invade part of an organ and take an entire 2-3 stages to show up in the fluid of that particular part.

[Seshat]

I don't know how things work in Australia but in the US hospice at home is an option. I think most hospice is actually done at home

I think this is a situation of me not understanding the term the same way you and Panacea do.

The palliative care team that looked after my MIL and FIL included home help (cooking, cleaning), home nursing, home visits from their family doctor, possibly home visits from the oncologist (I'm not sure on that one).

Oh, and home visits from palliative care counsellors, or grief therapists, or whatever-the-heck you want to call them. My husband was offered grief counselling as well.

Another thing she worries about (something on the back burner, of course) is the fact that the guy tore the front yard up last spring with one of those mini bulldozers and it's a godawful mess.

Hire a gardener or landscaper to handle it. Like your 'winter fund', put aside a little bit of money each payday.



Now, as for handling the grief.

1. Get a good grief management book. I like 'Coping with Grief', printed by the ABC (Australian Broadcasting Corporation) press, but I think it's out of print.
Go to your local library and borrow a couple of theirs. Read those, go back and swap them out for others, rinse and repeat.
While you're at the library, ask them if they have the contact details for a local grief counselling or grief management group. At least in my part of the world, libraries keep leaflet holders and bulletin boards for beneficial free (or 'bring a couple of bucks for hall rent') societies in the local area.

2. Oncology departments work closely with palliative care departments. Get a referral NOW to a palliative care nurse, even if you ask them not to tell your mother or her boyfriend about it. You're not seeing the nurse because he's dying, you're seeing the nurse because she knows all about grief management, and local grief management support systems.
(Explain to the doctor or oncology receptionist or whoever you talk to that that's what you want. They may send you a grief management social worker instead, or some such. That's FINE.)
Whether he lives or dies, his life and your mother's life are being severely changed, and changed in a way which causes grief. You need the information on handling it, both in them and in yourself. And you need access to the local support services that will help you and them.

3. Make use of support services. As mentioned above, my in-laws were offered cleaning, cooking, nursing, and other practical assistance. Use it. Grief takes a lot out of you - literally. You end up with chemical signals in your blood and your neurochemistry that get your body and mind doing things that they don't normally do. If you find it harder to live your normal life, it's not an illusion - it really is.

4. EAT PROPERLY. And get decent rest. This is not the time for you to be slacking off on eating well, nor to be up at all hours.

5. Go easy on yourself this year. If you had plans to .. oh, try to start a small business this year, or learn Spanish, or whatever ... well, put it off for a bit. Or do it at a hobbyist level, not at a professional level.
By all means do hobbies. Distraction is a wonderful, wonderful grief management technique. But don't add extra stress. Wrong time for it.

6. Feed your mother and her boyfriend. Make decent food available for them, and if they don't eat it, put it in the fridge in tupperware. Or make a big pot of stuff, put it in single-serve sized plastic containers, and put them in the freezer.
If you have friends who can come over and help - or if you can go to their place and have a cooking party - do so.

7.
Go ahead and cry when you want or need to.
Let her decide whether she wants mementos of him to be visible or not. (If she decides to throw them out, *ask* if you can store them out of her sight instead. She may want them later. If she is determined to throw them out, though, don't press the issue.)
Get the information for their oncology nursing practice or palliative care nurses or hospice nurses or whoever is handling their 'home life management' case. If she starts talking in ways that worry you, contact them. Discuss this with their doctor, to find out who is appropriate for you to contact. Keep that number handy - engrave it on the inside of your eyelids.


If Panacea or our other medical experts disagree with me in any of this, trust their word over mine. This is what was right for us when my Nan died, and when my FIL died.

[ShadowBall]

Ehh, I never have any major plans. Mostly I try to go see a friend a few hours away every few months and going to class three times a year.

As said, I'll be fine. My mother won't be. Even now, she says despite the nice weather, she doesn't want to go outside and garden or anything because she's too worried. I hope that regardless of the diagnosis, the doctor will talk about counseling options with them too. Three psychology classes doesn't make me much of a shrink and I understand they may need more than crying shoulders.

And geez, the doctors are taking their sweet-ass time. The Friday before last, this guy was told in the ER he had 2 months to live. Next week (Tuesday or Thursday), they're supposed to go talk to a specialist. And from there, another appointment for diagnostic surgery will be scheduled. Now I don't believe for a second that, with treatment, this guy only has eight weeks, especially since they're probably going to take a freaking month to actually DO anything. While I get all the doctors are uber-busy with a million other folks, this can't be too urgent for them if they're going so slow.

Feeding them will be....interesting. I can't cook and don't really know anyone who does, and I have no job (so I can't get groceries myself). Mom never carries cash, so it'd have to be her check or credit card doing the buying. But I can try. If Mom gives me a blank check and a spending limit, I can go out and get stuff to eat. I can clean the house up. I'd like to learn to be a little more handy around the house too so she doesn't have a meltdown because she can't figure out the circuit box when the power goes out.

And Mom felt a bit hopeful today because I guess some local guy was in the paper talking about how he's getting eight months' worth of radical chemo and radiation for his leukemia. I know it's different fro everyone, but sometimes reading the successes of others in any context gives you hope and inspires you to do the same.

I only hope they don't get told absolutely nothing at all can be done. I hope they offer actual options. I know cancer cannot be "cured," but I'm wishing for the best. And I'm hoping this guy doesn't just flat-out refuse all treatment without hearing the benefits and downsides to any options to be had.

I hope my mom will at least call me after the appointment to let me know how it goes.

The messed-up thing is I think Mom's more worried about losing her man to to "men's work" than anything else. Every time I hear her say she doesn't want him to die or she doesn't want to lose him, it's followed by something about how she needs someone to fix her car and mow the lawn. This isn't new, either - she's been saying she wants him to hang around for this reason for years.

I was glad tonight to see people were actually acting normal. Sitting down, watching a movie, and playing with the dogs. I never thought I'd be happy know they were doing the same things they've been doing for the last several years. Well, almost normal...usually the guy stays out until crazy o'clock in the morning at the bars or the casino. I guess he's too tired now to stay out so late, or too depressed. Or both.

[Mikkel]

I know cancer cannot be "cured," but I'm wishing for the best.

Honestly, it can be cured. Not in every instance and lung cancer has one of the worst statistics, but as the oncologists said to me, every case is different. Statistics doesn't show how resistant this particular cancer is to the treatment, nor how well your mothers boyfriend tolerates it.
It's probably wise to plan for a worst case scenario but don't give up hope before time.

[Seshat]

Simple, basic cooking isn't difficult to learn. And once again, your local library may know a place that teaches it, your oncology support team may know a place that teaches it, you may be eligible for food-supply support (food stamps?).

Nutrition can be a major part of surviving cancer. Tell the oncology support folks that you're willing to help with nutrition but need help learning to cook and supplying food, and they may well bend over backwards to help you.

[ShadowBall]

The more my mom talks, the more she seems sad over possibly losing the one to do the "men's work" than she is about losing a partner. Today, I was told in that "I'm talking down to you because you're dumb and I'm smart" tone that I need to help my mother do shit if he's too sick (or worse) to do all the chores she has for him.

And I don't mind helping, but the way she's talking, I'm expected to live in this house forever. While I haven't the plans or the money to do so right now, what if I wanted to move out and be on my own? Would I be obligated to remain home to help her maintain her own house for the next 20 years? Meanwhile she doesn't let me do most things because I might hurt myself and then she'll bitch that no one helps her. I know this is a digression from what I've been saying...sorry. I guess what she was saying just rubbed me the wrong way. It's scary to think I might not be "allowed" to ever leave because my mom might not have someone to help her maintain the house.

The guy's going to talk to the doctor tomorrow. I have a feeling my mom will be coming home disappointed because she seems to think he'll just need his lung to be "re-sectioned"...whatever that means. He was told he's got a tumor on the bottom of his lung, which is where the pleural effusion was, so maybe it hasn't spread too far, if at all. I can only hope.

[Seshat]

And I don't mind helping, but the way she's talking, I'm expected to live in this house forever. While I haven't the plans or the money to do so right now, what if I wanted to move out and be on my own? Would I be obligated to remain home to help her maintain her own house for the next 20 years? Meanwhile she doesn't let me do most things because I might hurt myself and then she'll bitch that no one helps her. I know this is a digression from what I've been saying...sorry. I guess what she was saying just rubbed me the wrong way. It's scary to think I might not be "allowed" to ever leave because my mom might not have someone to help her maintain the house.

Pffft.

Just leave, when you're ready. So she might have to hire a home handyman and a gardener. Too bad.

Or she can move to an apartment complex that does that stuff for her.