Mom's partner is sick - may be cancer

[teh_blumchenkinder]

If your mother had more respect for herself-- and you-- she would know that not only does she not need a man to do 'man stuff' around the house/property, she would know that she could do it herself, and if not herself then hire people-- and she would know that you are not her slave labor to hobble and keep like a pet at home. With less dignity even.
It's quite another thing to help a parent out/do what your mother is wanting you to do-- but if respect is at the core of it, then it's a very different dynamic. I willingly help my parents out when I can, because they are awesome, and let me make my own mistakes. They are enabling me-- to become an adult, become independent, and a viable member of society. Your mother wants you to be her live-in maid, caregiver, gardener, etc. without actually asking you.
She needs help, and needs to get her tail yanked out of that knot it's in!
There's a story about someone like that that I had to read in my literature class... I'll have to look it up, but it's a southern gothic short story... a woman had to live with her father because he needed a woman to look after the house, so she never got married-- and never had her own life, and stuff happened from there. She ended up murdering someone... o_O (not that I think you'd murder anyone! )

[ShadowBall]

My mother definitely has no respect for herself. She acts like she's an independent woman, but then she turns into a helpless stereotypical woman who needs a man to swoop in and save her from blown fuses and noisy refrigerators. I know there are a lot of things I don't know how to do as far as house and yard work, but unlike my mother, I am not afraid to learn. On the contrary, I love to learn. I may ask someone if they can show me how to change the tires on a car so I can do it myself in the future. If it's something I would feel more comfortable having a handyman repair, I may ask others whom they would recommend. Thing is my mother wants a free on-call handyman.

She will never hire anyone to help her because she's totally broke. Basically living off her credit card and she's already $15K in the hole. But none of it is frivolous purchases - it's all food, bathroom supplies, etc. Her concern is she has no money now, so she will have no money pay someone to do things for her. She'd probably never move either...not that anyone would buy the house with how fucked up the front yard is. I would honestly be ashamed to be as helpless as she is.

And the worst part is she tries to make me be afraid of the things she's scared of. For example, she is afraid to drive fast (like over 40 mph). I am not. She's afraid of driving on the highway and never actually has. I'm not afraid. So if she ever wants to go to the mall - which requires highway travel to get to - she has to find someone else to take her because I am required to be scared of going 65 miles an hour because that's how she is. I'm supposed to not lift the air conditioner because if SHE did so, SHE would likely hurt herself. So that means I would hurt myself.

It's so messed up. I'm sure if bad shit happens and I try to move out at some point, I will be met with a lot of resistance. Mom probably figures that since she raised me, I am obligated to stay in her house and help her forever. Sorry, but I cannot go to work (when I get a job), do homework/go to class, and help upkeep a huge bloody yard. I know my limits and this will be overload - one of those things will have to give.

[Sapphire Silk]

The more my mom talks, the more she seems sad over possibly losing the one to do the "men's work" than she is about losing a partner. Today, I was told in that "I'm talking down to you because you're dumb and I'm smart" tone that I need to help my mother do shit if he's too sick (or worse) to do all the chores she has for him.

Some of that griping might just be her way of dealing with the situation . . . a mix of anger and denial.

Doesn't mean you have to let her badger you into taking on more than you can do.

And I don't mind helping, but the way she's talking, I'm expected to live in this house forever. While I haven't the plans or the money to do so right now, what if I wanted to move out and be on my own? Would I be obligated to remain home to help her maintain her own house for the next 20 years?

Do NOT let her push you into staying when you're ready to leave. You have a right to a life of your own. When you have the wherewithal to move on, do so. You are an adult. Not a child, and not a servant.

The guy's going to talk to the doctor tomorrow. I have a feeling my mom will be coming home disappointed because she seems to think he'll just need his lung to be "re-sectioned"...whatever that means. He was told he's got a tumor on the bottom of his lung, which is where the pleural effusion was, so maybe it hasn't spread too far, if at all. I can only hope.

Hard to say at this point. He could have mets that simply won't show up yet. It depends a lot on how long he's had the cancer, and how aggressive it is.

The word you're looking for is "resection." It means to remove the diseased part. Even if they can do surgery, he will still need chemotherapy, and possibly radiation as well. Surgery can only remove so much . . . there will still probably be some diseased tissue that needs to be destroyed with chemo or radiation.

[ShadowBall]

I think the appointment went better than I thought. The biggest thing was that there is actually no gigantic mass on the guy's one lung. Apparently the doctor who examined the CAT scan results was a moron who thought the pleural effusion was a giant tumor.

There are cancer cells in the pleural fluid, and the only other visible thing on the CAT scan were some small, abnormal lesions on the pleura. And it's uncertain whether or not if those are malignant, which is why a biopsy will be done. In addition, the guy has to go and stay in the hospital for a few days again because not only is his lung filling back up with fluid, but it's also collapsing again. So they need to determine what the hell is causing that to happen again.

He and Mom were worried about him needing his entire lung out and the doctor told them that wouldn't be necessary. Not in a "this shit is inoperable" way, but a "this isn't bad enough for radical surgery" way. And they were told the guy "might need a little chemo" maybe a couple times a week.

No one came home having a nervous breakdown, no one was advised to start making out a will or anything. Granted, a biopsy still has to be done, but it seems a little better than what I was expecting.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

<snip>
... On the contrary, I love to learn. I may ask someone if they can show me how to change the tires on a car so I can do it myself in the future. If it's something I would feel more comfortable having a handyman repair, I may ask others whom they would recommend.

This is putting you in a good place. Keep this up. This is a very good thing. Exactly right, in my opinion. The internet, and places like howstuffworks.com, are your friends-- but be careful. The "For Dummies" series of books are also awesome. They make sure to tell you when to get help, when not to do things, and so forth, and are more reliable than the internet, if only because they are written by and vetted by people in those industries/are certified, etc..

She will never hire anyone to help her because she's totally broke. Basically living off her credit card and she's already $15K in the hole. But none of it is frivolous purchases - it's all food, bathroom supplies, etc. Her concern is she has no money now, so she will have no money pay someone to do things for her. She'd probably never move either...not that anyone would buy the house with how fucked up the front yard is. I would honestly be ashamed to be as helpless as she is.

At least she's smart, spending things on necessaries. Get the lawn area fixed, and try to sell the house. Maybe the market will turn for the better. *Prays*
Again, wanting to help yourself is good. I encourage you to keep this attitude.

And the worst part is she tries to make me be afraid of the things she's scared of.

... Have you asked her why? Why doesn't she expect other people to be this way? Yeah, she wants to protect you... but wtf lady?

It's so messed up. I'm sure if bad shit happens and I try to move out at some point, I will be met with a lot of resistance. Mom probably figures that since she raised me, I am obligated to stay in her house and help her forever. Sorry, but I cannot go to work (when I get a job), do homework/go to class, and help upkeep a huge bloody yard. I know my limits and this will be overload - one of those things will have to give.

Yeah it's messed up!
Again, you're right. Something has to give.

I think the appointment went better than I thought.
<snip>

Awesome.

[Sapphire Silk]

I think the appointment went better than I thought. The biggest thing was that there is actually no gigantic mass on the guy's one lung. Apparently the doctor who examined the CAT scan results was a moron who thought the pleural effusion was a giant tumor.

There are cancer cells in the pleural fluid, and the only other visible thing on the CAT scan were some small, abnormal lesions on the pleura. And it's uncertain whether or not if those are malignant, which is why a biopsy will be done. In addition, the guy has to go and stay in the hospital for a few days again because not only is his lung filling back up with fluid, but it's also collapsing again. So they need to determine what the hell is causing that to happen again.

He and Mom were worried about him needing his entire lung out and the doctor told them that wouldn't be necessary. Not in a "this shit is inoperable" way, but a "this isn't bad enough for radical surgery" way. And they were told the guy "might need a little chemo" maybe a couple times a week.

No one came home having a nervous breakdown, no one was advised to start making out a will or anything. Granted, a biopsy still has to be done, but it seems a little better than what I was expecting.

This is very good news for the bf. It makes his prognosis much, much better. The fluid can be handled. He'll probably need to have his lung tapped (thorocentesis), and possibly come home with a drain that'll have to be emptied from time to time. Sometimes the patient can learn to do that, sometimes they send a home health nurse to do it. It depends on why the fluid is building up and if they can fix that when he's back in the hospital.

The chemo will be a bitch (the side effects may make him very sick on their own accord), but he has a much better shot of responding to it if there is no mass, and of course not having to have major surgery is always a good thing.

[ShadowBall]

The guy went in today for both a biopsy and lung draining round 2 - this time, a whole gallon of pleural fluid was removed! Anyway, the biopsy results will likely be back in about a week and the guy is in the hospital for the next two days with a chest tube.

From what my mother was told, as mentioned before, there are some small growths on the pleura and the chest wall. I don't know if this means in the muscle tissue or the lymph nodes or what. Also, for some reason, despite these growths being small, I guess they don't want to do surgery to remove them. So this means he's looking at chemo, but we don't know how potent or how often until the biopsy results come back. I don't know WTF they're testing since cancer was already found in the lung fluid.

And of course, the "how long do I have?" question arose. This doctor handled it more gracefully and said, "I can't decide that. Only God can." I'm personally not religious, but I understand what he meant - no one can say for sure what's going to happen with treatment yet.

The only thing is the guy doesn't want to get chemo. I think he just wants to say, "fuck it" and let nature take its course, so my mom and his friend are going to try and do a little cheerleading to convince him to get chemo. So yeah, we shall see what happens.

In the meantime, I got to have the car today. For the first time since I got my license, I've been able to drive alone for more than five blocks. It was sooooo nice to be able to relax in the car, drive the speed limit (rather than 10 miles under), drive with one hand (I'm just more comfortable that way), and with the radio on. Usually my mom's in the car and she makes me so nervous because she's a godawful backseat driver.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

... what happened to get you the car, and how can you replicate the results? >_>
EDIT: the whole "nature, course" thing might still be/is probably the depression talking.

[ShadowBall]

Ohh trust me, getting the car alone for more than two minutes was under short-notice circumstances. I was asked to take my mother and her man to the hospital - Mom for work, him for surgery - and then take the car to the garage later in the morning to get new tires put on. Then go back and pick my mother up.

But any other time, Mom has to be in the car with me because it's her car (but I am on the insurance as a second driver) and she worries I'll crash and die (or worse - hurt the car) without her expertise. And by "expertise," I mean bitching at me that running over a pine cone will throw off the alignment or that the speed limit is too fast for me to drive and that I need to go ten miles an hour slower, damned be those assholes behind us.

Guh, she was so worried something happened that she called home, the garage, and even my boyfriend looking for me once noon rolled around. Since I only got two hours of sleep that night (finally passed out around 3:30 - was woke up at 5:45), I was tired and I went back home and went to bed. Give me some credit...geez, I think I'm a far better driver than she is. Mostly because I'm not afraid to drive 40 miles an hour, I turn on red when I'm allowed (she never ever does), and I don't drive in the middle of the damn road while screaming that people need to "get on their own side."

So unless we need more tires, I will not be able to replicate these results. Mom has to accompany me while driving to ensure I'm following HER road rules and not the ones decided by the state.

And yeah, I'm sure the guy is still depressed, even if he's making it seem like he's accepted the belief that death is approaching quickly. And he says he doesn't want his best friend to visit, probably because he doesn't want to look like an invalid old man to his buddy. But I do hope that friend comes here - Mom will let him stay at the house (she normally doesn't let anyone come in, ever). I think he'll help the guy take his mind off being sick and any treatments received.

ETA: I've been informed today that I will be required to mow the huge-ass front yard with the push mower. When I said I wanted to use the riding mower, I was told that it would flip over and kill me and that Mom "has enough on her plate already." I mentioned my BF - who took a few years of landscaping classes - would show me how to use the riding mower since my mother is afraid of it and I am not. Mom proceeded to tell me that, "he don't know shit" and then supported her argument by telling me about some woman who got her scarf stuck in a riding mower's engine and was choked to death. Or something. Mom also bitches left and right about how much debt she's in, yet she's going to go spend several hundred dollars on a new push mower. When the nearly-new riding mower is sitting in the garage. Clearly, thinking is one of the strong points in this household. While we're at it, let's wash all our clothes by hand instead of using a washing machine. Or we'll grind wheat to make our own flour. Since we're doing things the hard way in here, why not apply it to everything?

[Becks]

I need to go ten miles an hour slower

You can get a traffic ticket for doing that.

[ShadowBall]

Not according to my mother's road rules. In her world, the slower you drive, the better. Even though, legally, going too slow is considered an obstruction of traffic and can get your ass pulled over just as much as speeding. But Mom doesn't care who she inconveniences or what laws she breaks, just as long as I don't drive "too fast" and possibly cause damage to her car. Because she's right and she'll be damned if she's going to listen to people she hates (police).

Can you now see why I am gobsmacked that I passed my road test when my mother taught me how to drive?

[teh_blumchenkinder]

Gah.

[ShadowBall]

In the meantime, my mother is now concerned that her moron has a side dish. This is because she went to see him on her lunch break and some strange woman she has never seen was in there visiting who left when she saw Mom, and then when Mom left, she went back in.

Normally, I'd say this is her being paranoid. Because it IS possible to have platonic opposite-gendered friends. However, this guy has cheated before, so it may not be a far cry from the truth if he's doing it again.

Hey, Mom's the one who never asks him why he stays out until three in the morning every night. And honestly, if it'd help her to hate him so his potentially dying could be taken easier, then I'm all for it. But odds are, that won't happen. She took him back with open arms the first time he left and she'd do it again.

[Sapphire Silk]

Shadowball, the BF needs a careful psychological evaluation to determine if he is really depressed or if he is simply accepting that the prognosis is not good and making a conscious determination of how he wants his life to end.

If a certified therapist says he is not making choices based on depression, then you and your Mom should respect his wishes and see about getting him into hospice. He may actually live longer under hospice care. Hospice will focus on managing his symptoms (breathing and pain among other things), and helping him enjoy some quality of life and prepare for the final dying process.

Ultimately, it is HIS choice, and he should make those choices based on his own values and desires rather than the desires or needs of other people.

As for the possibility he's been cheating on your mom, well. It certainly could be that is what is going on. If true, it could complicate things. I know you don't really care for him, and your involvement in his situation will really depend on how much of yourself you want to invest. I think your mom is in a major state of denial that is unlikely to change.

It sounds like an overall toxic environment. Get counseling. I think you'll need it.

And save every penny you can and get out of that house. You really need to live your own life, and mom isn't willing to let you.

If it were me, I'd say to hell with what she wants and let your BF teach you to use the riding mower. If she doesn't like it, too bad. It's that or the lawn doesn't get mowed. Given that you've mentioned before you're overweight and not in the best physical shape, trying to use a push mower on that much lawn would probably not be healthy for you.

[ShadowBall]

I think it might be a mix of both acceptance and depression. The way he talks sounds like he's depressed, but he might be depressed because he thinks that since he has cancer, there's no point in doing anything more. And knowing my mother, she will scream at him until he gets chemo if he chooses not to. She's good at doing that - screaming until she gets her way. She's been doing that to me since I was a kid.

And I want out, I really do. It's just I'm at a point where I have no way to save money. Anything I make goes toward college - the money I had for a car had to go toward my tuition costs. Any job I try to get won't hire or keep me due to college. College only my mother wants me to attend, but has no money to help me pay for. So I get caught in all the drama and turmoil between those two just because I have no other choice.

Believe me, I know I need counseling. I want to work on undoing all the damage done to me mentally my entire life. I don't want to end up like my mother in any way. I know the best thing I can do now is move out, but it's just so hard when I don't know where to begin, when I have no money, no car, no job, and nowhere to go. Don't even know anyone with a van who could help me move.

And as far as the lawn, I was given the push mower to use, which I didn't realize was self-propelled. So I just kind of had to steer it around. Trust me, I may be obese, but it's not like I can't move (I also play a bit of DDR on the second-hardest mode). It wasn't too bad - it's just the lawn was so damp today that the mower kept shutting itself off from being clogged.

Funny enough, the moron was out there mowing with the riding mower. So he's too sick to help with the lawn, Mom says. The upside is now he's saying he might try to finish that wrecktastic "landscaping" he did last spring.