Am I being a jackass?

[Pony_Boy]

OK I'll be the first to admit that my brain doesn't seem to work the same way most other people's do. I often don't "get" other people's thought processes while everyone else can understand it as plain as white bread.

here's to recent examples :

My gf and I are planning to buy a house sometime in the not so distant future. Now we're not financially ready to buy a house or even make an offer on one, but we decided to start attending showings and arranging viewings with our real estate broker anyway. Kind of like practice runs so that when the time comes that we're ready to move forward we'll already be familiar with the process.


The first couple of viewings we attended went great! The houses themselves weren't to our liking but we were able to narrow down some key features we wanted and some we wanted to avoid and we got to know our real estate agent a little better.

Yesterday we went to see another house and it would had been perfect for us! Had we been in a better place financially we would had definitely put in an offer on the place


Today my gf said that she doesn't want to go see any more houses because she found it just to hard not being able to afford one we liked, to the point that she said it was heartbreaking

I absolutely dont understand that at all. It's just a house with features we like, there are probably dozens more in the city just like it or close enough. You knew going in that we couldn't in anyway make an offer on a house so why let yourself get connected to it and get your hopes up? it just doesn't make any sense


The couple of people I've mentioned this to have looked at me like I have two heads when I say that I just don't understand.

I do understand that it can be disappointment seeing something you can't have because you don't have the money. But to the point where its heartbreaking and you refuse to see other houses and that she actually seems depressed over it - that just boggles my mind


Does anyone else see it like I do oram i just being an emotionless jerk

[Treasure]

you're not being an emotionless jerk - you just think like a guy.

its an emotional thing - she fell in love with the house; can't afford it, can't have it... sure there is a future for an alternative, and sure she may fall in love with another house when you start looking again once you can afford something, but right now, its just not the same she "wanted that house" (insert 5 yr old foot stamp!)


You're seeing things logically - ok, we know what we liked about that house, we know what features we really want, what we really don't want etc, so now we've established a baseline for when we can afford, less time wasted looking at things that we don't like....


ok - Spock, maybe you are being a bit emotionless... but i don't think you're being an intentional jerk about it either...

[Moirae]

No, you're a guy. No offense meant. When women look at a house, they see the future you both may have in it, not just a building. Its the same as a guys attraction for a woman. Usually, initial attraction is just "oooo she's gorgeous" and go right to the physical. Women may look at a man and think "oooo he's hot" but their brains are playing out a romance novel in their heads.

We just think differently though both have their positives and negatives to them. And neither one is worse than the other. We help balance each other out. We need to learn to look at both sides. It took me one failed marriage to learn that. And my husband has two sisters, two nieces and his dad and his dad is a social worker so he's had lots of experience seeing things from a woman's point of view so he usually gets it. After everything, and the fact that I'm so secure in our relationship, alot of things that bother other women just aren't a big deal to me.

[MaggieTheCat]

I agree with the other posters, I don't think you're a jackass, but women and men do look at things differently. Plus, there are a lot of factors that go into deciding on a house, and it's a huge, lifetime investment. Yes, I'm sure there is more than one house out there that will suit you, but if you find one that you think is just perfect, as she apparently did, and you can't get it, you'll always wonder, what if? What if we had gotten that place? What if that was our house instead of where we live now?

I can completely understand why she doesn't want to go to any more viewings. Personally, if my husband had suggested we start looking at houses before we had been ready, I would have said no, for this very reason. I also understand why you want to be familiar with the process, so I can see both sides. Perhaps you can go to some viewings while she stays behind, so you are familiar with the process but she doesn't get her hopes up. Just don't come home and tell her about all the great places you saw and start detailing them or she will start to feel crushed again.

I just ran the scenario past my husband (without actually telling him about this post first) and he said the same thing as the OP, that he wouldn't be bothered if he saw a house that he couldn't afford. But I would have been, if we'd done that. So yeah, guy thinking vs. girl thinking.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

The couple of people I've mentioned this to have looked at me like I have two heads when I say that I just don't understand.

I won't, I promise! I get where you're coming from. The others who have posted are right. She's seeing a future, the story of children, pets, love. She sees a nest. Looking at houses is now like going to a shelter and not being able to adopt a perfect animal who's going to be put down. She's becoming emotionally attached to the house(s).
I take it as a sign of interest in the idea of a house.
I'd snuggle her more if I were you. Or, whatever makes her feel better. Hopefully this can help you understand a lady's mind more, so she can be less depressed more quickly. (oh, yeah, totally girl vs boy brain here)

[Imprl59]

Does anyone else see it like I do oram i just being an emotionless jerk

That's where you are going wrong. It doesn't matter if it makes sense to you or not. It doesn't matter if it makes sense to "anyone else" or not. What matters is that it's an issue for her. Trust me on this one... The women in your life are going to do things that make no sense to you. If something upsets her trying to apply your logic or our logic to the situation is just going to make it worse.

I read this years ago and its one of the few things that actually worked for me. When you have a situation like this both of you assign a number on a scale of one to ten on how important this issue is to you. Lets just say that it upsets her enough that its an 8 on her scale of "I don't want to do it anymore". You know that there are dozens of houses out there just like the ones you are seeing now and you can't get one anyway so for you the importance of looking at them now is a 2 on a scale of "I want to keep doing this". Were I in this situation I would think to myself "For some reason that makes absolutely no sense to me this really matters to her. It doesn't really matter to me so looking at houses is now on hold until we have some money."

Hope this makes some sense. The most important thing here is that you need to accept how your partner feels as fact and realize you can't change her reaction by using your logic. If the issue is really important to you then work on it and if not let it go.

[Shangri-laschild]

The replies amuse me because I'm female and my best friend is male but I see things the same way as you where as he hates window shopping when he can't buy. But yes, typically they are very right.

[trailerparkmedic]

That's where you are going wrong. It doesn't matter if it makes sense to you or not. It doesn't matter if it makes sense to "anyone else" or not. What matters is that it's an issue for her. Trust me on this one... The women in your life are going to do things that make no sense to you. If something upsets her trying to apply your logic or our logic to the situation is just going to make it worse.

Very true. Sometimes I get really upset over something and my husband doesn't get it. He used to say things like "It's not that bad," or "I don't know why you're upset about this," or "You're only upset because you're tired/stressed/etc" and that would make me even more angry--now I'm mad at whatever the situation is AND you for being an ass. You need to acknowledge and accept that she's upset, even if you think she's completely crazy for it.

[ArcticChicken]

Like others have said, you're not being a jackass, it's just different viewpoints. You see a house, she sees a home.

The proper way to handle it is "I don't really get it, but I understand it's important to you, so we won't go to anymore viewings until we're ready to seriously look."

[Sapphire Silk]

I'm going to take a complete leap here, and point out something I think has been overlooked.

Overall, I agree with the viewpoints regarding male vs female thinking. They're right on the money.

Here's what's been overlooked.

The OP and his GF are going out with a realtor to look at houses they have no intention of buying.

That costs the realtor in time and gas money, with no chance of getting any return on the investment. Yes, it is his job to show houses: to people who actually intend to buy. To take away that time, and waste his gas, just so you can get an idea of what you like is stealing that time and gas money from clients who actually intend to find the right house.

I think the OP should give that some thought.

[XCashier]

Women do have a "nesting instinct", for lack of a better phrase. We do want to build a home (whether or not we have children) and when we see a house with features we want, it's almost a physical pain to have to leave it. (It's also rough to have to move away from a home you love, for the same reasons.)

Panacea makes a good point, too. I wouldn't go to any more viewings until you're ready to buy a home. If you have friends who are looking, you might ask them if you can tag along with them to see what it's like, but you don't want to waste the agent's time if you aren't doing the buying.

[Pony_Boy]

The OP and his GF are going out with a realtor to look at houses they have no intention of buying.

That costs the realtor in time and gas money, with no chance of getting any return on the investment. Yes, it is his job to show houses: to people who actually intend to buy. To take away that time, and waste his gas, just so you can get an idea of what you like is stealing that time and gas money from clients who actually intend to find the right house.

I think the OP should give that some thought.

I should mention that the realtor knows full well that we aren't in position to buy and wont be for some time. He's also a friend of ours.


Thanks to every one who posted your words and advice made me fell alot better about the whole situation

[Sapphire Silk]

I should mention that the realtor knows full well that we aren't in position to buy and wont be for some time. He's also a friend of ours.


Thanks to every one who posted your words and advice made me fell alot better about the whole situation

That's a completely different story, then. No offense intended.

[Pony_Boy]

Thanks again for all the comments/ advice!

There's been an interesting twist to this story. Turns out one of my gf's coworkers lives 1 block over in the same neighborhood, and her house is nearly identical to the one we visited. Even better, she's planning to sell it next spring!! ( we should be ready buy a home by then certainly)

so all is not lost

[Treasure]

this sounds great - make sure to stay in contact with this woman, so that when she is ready to sell in a year, that you and your gf are "the first to know"; also make sure that you both agree to use Realtors so that feelings don't get hurt - nobody can later accuse the other party of trying to screw them over, making promises and not keeping them etc - you want to do this for you/your gf's protection as well as the coworker/seller lady's protection.