another hole in the head (not earings)

[Midnight12]

to set this straight I am basing this off the phrase "I need {blank} like I need another hole in my head"
at this point I am going ok just give me the hole in my head!

and before my case is jumped I DID try doing something else, attempted calming down attempted taking deep breathes attempted everything I was taught and used tools given to me. still upset still want to get wasted while on my meds...still want that hole in my head. and still feel bad cause why do i have any right to ask for help cause i was reminded today of people that got left behind or that i claimed to be a friend to and...due to cell phone crap had to stop texting and lost numbers too blah blah (compiling guilt to basically rev up hey lets get a bigger hole!)

and no, my support contacts are busy otherwise i post here as a last resort because I honestly feel people are tired of my whining. yes it feels as if i whine

[teh_blumchenkinder]

snip
and still feel bad cause why do i have any right to ask for help cause i was reminded today of people that got left behind or that i claimed to be a friend to and...due to cell phone crap had to stop texting and lost numbers too blah blah (compiling guilt to basically rev up hey lets get a bigger hole!)

and no, my support contacts are busy otherwise i post here as a last resort because I honestly feel people are tired of my whining. yes it feels as if i whine

1) Left behind? I don't understand-- could you explain?
2) "claimed"-- why do they say "you claimed to be a friend"? what did you do/not do to get 'not really' status? did you? or did you just refuse to do something someone wanted?
3) What do you feel the definition of 'whining' is?

(no matter if any/everything is your fault, here is a hug-- regardless. )

[Midnight12]

1) Left behind? I don't understand-- could you explain?
2) "claimed"-- why do they say "you claimed to be a friend"? what did you do/not do to get 'not really' status? did you? or did you just refuse to do something someone wanted?
3) What do you feel the definition of 'whining' is?

(no matter if any/everything is your fault, here is a hug-- regardless. )

left behind. recently changed cell phone plans. and knowing this was going to happen took all the numbers from the old cell phone and made a word doc. well apparently the cell phone was glitchy enough or i did something that some people who gave me their number from here to text its gone. i don't have nightwatch's number, or aethians...and just got plaidmans back. now that I can text unlimited and not worry about it i was remembering oh yeah...i need to apologize because I pretty much left them in the lurch

so for aethian and nightwatch i felt bad because i lost their phone numbers. and if i were a good friend would have bugged them on here or found their email and followed through but I did not. so that makes me a flake by definition or at least how i feel the word flake is defined. the whole cell phone transition was awful too

i feel like i am being whinny by venting in what I also feel is alot because I'm not doing much about it even though I want to. alot of the problem has been my birth control and as advised by my dr I do need to finish out this month before starting a better one but it still pains me that I get this way, stuff that used to annoy me or i could blow off gets me mad. everything gets me mad, its very difficult to function in one day without something pissing me off. and I DO NOT like how I am right now because of it even though I know what the problem is. the birth control makes it hard to calm down where as normally i'd be upset but would do my calm down routine and be fine.
i try the routine now and it just somehow revs it up. and i am well aware of it. the best way i can describe is this. hubs left empty can out. normal reaction: ok no big put it in recycle bag.
current reaction: OMFG he did it AGAIN why is it SO hard to pick one can up blargh blargh stomp stomp stomp. and I see myself doing this, my mind registers the anger and I attempt to breathe deep and calm down. however its like the switch to turn the anger off is stuck and i am stuck in angry mode even though I am registering its OK its just one can you have other things to do. emotional part goes no we must rant for hours!

and part of the factor that wasn't helping is the whole being home bound alot. normally yes i would be bothered by this and find something productive to do or go play with daughter in the back yard. now. its more of the what won't rev me up or i am too angry to not snap at people so i stay inside to avoid unloading on the hapless neighbors

[Midnight12]

thank you for hugs...somewhere in my mind a funny comes
HULK SMASH! then hulk hug. lol and my mind is in hulk rage and yet somehow that image is funny...lexia a shehulk wow

[Midnight12]

because i have nothing better to do here is lex hulk. it wouldn't let me keep the smash part if she had hair on

[Seshat]

Okay - I think I've figured out what's going on (a bit).

Your mind is reacting to normal events in a way which is abnormal and over the top, you know it, you can see it happening, and you can't control it.
Correct me if I'm wrong, please.

You're attempting the various mental exercises that counsellors/psychologists/psychiatrists provide, such as deep slow breathing, checking to see if you're interpreting an event out of proportion (eg CBT techniques), etc. And they're not working.

Now, I'm Not A Doctor and don't even play one on TV, so remember that.

I'm aware of two major ways this can happen.

1. You're overstressed in general. Maybe you're in pain. Maybe you've started a new job. Maybe you've got family problems. Whatever.

Solution: get help with the causes of the overstress, and do things which you find help to calm and de-stress you. You may well need help with this, but a wise friend, a priest/minister/imam/rabbi, a local charity organisation, or a painting class at the local community centre can be just the ticket.
(Note: if one of the causes of stress is medical, you will need medical assistance for solving that one. If one of the causes of stress is financial, get help from a social worker or the financial people at a charity organisation that helps with that.)

Assistance to solution: all the techniques and stuff they teach you.



2. Your neurochemistry or neural anatomy is going haywire for some reason.

Solution: medical. Sorry, but that's it for this one.
You mentioned a change in birth control pills that you think is making things worse. That's quite possible - reproductive hormones have an effect on neurochemistry. Make certain your doctor knows just how bad things are.

Assistance to solution: reduce stresses, as per cause 1. Any of those can and will make it harder to deal with fuba neurochemistry.

Assistance to solution: all the techniques and stuff they teach you.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

Lex, you mentioned that your doctor was going to switch you off of your present (horrible) birth control at the end of the month, right? Does s/he know how bad it is? This sounds incredibly frustrating. Avoiding people will probably help with the damage; but, having some friends of my own, I know that I'd be more than willing to give my number out to a friend who lost it, even months after the event. Have you talked to them since the loss of phone numbers anyway, like on this board? don't be too reticent, they already like you.
EDIT: cute little avatar! Where'd the mini-Hulk come from?

[Midnight12]

and now. the comp has a virus. goodie. just got it back to normal functions so bear with me, will get back online later today when we have restored the rest of the comp...will reply to your posts as soon as i can, just wanted to let people know

[Midnight12]

I have to as advised by my dr finish the current month of loestrin before going to the new one. If i stop now even though it would help, it could cause worse damage or blood clots of which I do not want. Currently on antibiotics for a small urinary infection of which I know how I got it and that when on birth control the risk for such infections is increased. I know the rest of the deal with antibiotics and birth control and warnings so no worry there.
Seshat - I came to that same conclusion however my question is now, how long have I been haywire, was it before I officially began loestrin, did loestrin bring it out, or is this nothing new as I've been avoiding it for a long time. Counselor has made me aware from my last few sessions that my worst habit is avoiding and that I put in a great deal of effort to avoid things than deal with so as to avoid the pain or negative consequences. or worse to get it over with and prepare for, I do said bad things knowing its bad and just sit there while the other person gripes me out so I don't have to deal with it.

until now was I aware that as you've said my neurochemistry has gone bonkers.
yes there is stress in the family. the main person or persons I have done my best to avoid have found me. not so bad, but the fact I really don't want to try and resolve anything with them, I want closure and for them to leave me alone. We got along fine for those 12 years of silence, they can continue to do so as they seemed to be fine without me anyways.
I do watch some shows, play some non difficult games where it makes me have to think and that if i get stuck its not for long. stuff like brain games or phoenix wright.
watch kid shows with daughter. trying to get back to scrap booking as that was my main outlet. things are changing at home for the better its just the whole preparing to adjust for change. and hope that i don't blow up over small things anymore

teh_blumchenkinder - besides the infection issue I made sure I told dr about how bad I was getting while on birth control. i even drew two scales. one of how I normally am, and one of how i am since starting it.
normal one was basically High, middle low. on normal or most days I'd be somewhere in between or if sad still be in the middle or grey area, same with the highs.
current scale, there IS NO middle/grey area its all high or low there is no going through the grey area when switching either its a jump from either one. and if I AM in the grey area i am tuned out or numb and its very unpleasant.

no, I haven't. Nightwatch hasn't been on this board in almost two years and I have been avoiding aethean cause she is probably mad at me or just doesn't want to talk to me either. The avatar was created here tektek.org dream avatars click on gaia avatars. you have to know the items to search for though or you spend most of your time flipping through alot of things
the mini hulk was created for one of their item specials. its no longer available on gaia site beyond the marketplace