parenting-related issue

[KellyHabersham]

*unfortunately I don't have time to get into all the details right now, so I'll try to keep this as brief as possible......it's not something negative, just hard to deal with*

The best way to word it is that Heather is getting to where she's interested in hanging out more with her half-sisters, and possibly spending time with her father. I have mixed feelings on this because while I don't feel I have the right to tell her she can't see Jeremy, there are a few concerns I have......the following are some of them.

- Jeremy has never been a major presence in her life, and in the past, he couldn't be counted on to follow up on anything he said he would do.

- from my viewpoint, he's wanted to have the "fun" part of being a dad, but NONE of the responsibilities/negative aspects......which includes helping out financially. (and unfortunately, this isn't something he and I were ever able to work out)

- Jeremy and I didn't part on good terms, we've never been able to communicate well, and let's just say it's really hard to explain to Heather why I don't want anything to do with him.

[42_42_42]

How old is your daughter? Makes a HUGE difference.

[AnaKhouri]

If I remember correctly she's around 13 or 14, right? I think it's perfectly normal for her to be curious about her dad at this age.

I advise you to let her contact him and hang out with him. My mom always let me and my brother see our dad, even though he never paid child support. He often let us down too- and I saw that and resented it for much of my adolescence (after we grew up he started trying to make it all up to us and now our relationship is fine). It might sound harsh but it might be good for Heather to see how her father is; and he might surprise you, since he's had more kids, he may be more responsible.

I know it's hard on you having to deal with him, but really I think it is the best thing for your daughter.

[Sapphire Silk]

Let her see him. Explain that you and he have issues and don't get along, but that she can decide for herself what kind of relationship she wants with dad.

If Jeremy rises to the occassion and does a good job, all is well.

If he falls down, she'll see it. Yes, she may be hurt by it. But she'll resent him not you. If he screws it up, it is still better to let her find out the hard way than to try to shield her from the truth which will come out sooner or later anyway.

You only need to get involved if there is a clear danger, such as drugs in the home.

[KellyHabersham]

Well, to give an example of why I have concerns about letting Heather be around Jeremy, and why I personally don't want to talk to him..

A few months ago, Jeremy and his girlfriend were planning a joint birthday party for some of his younger kids, and he wanted Heather to come. Which would have been fine, except that it was taking place at a park on the other side of the city, and the only thing my mom and I know about the area is that it's NOT the best part of town. Jeremy also had never cleared anything with us about Heather attending the party, I think he'd called or texted her, and just gave vague details.



Meanwhile, Heather felt awkward about going since she's only met some of her half-sisters once or twice, and when she called Jeremy to tell him she wasn't going, she (for whatever reason) gave him the excuse that I didn't want her around him unsupervised. Which did NOT sit well with Jeremy - he apparently said that I was "lame", and referred to me as a "stupid fucking asshole".....in addition to various cuss words which Heather couldn't understand because he was muttering.

[spark]

I'm not a parent, so I don't have any personal insights, but you might find this helpful: http://therumpus.net/2010/08/dear-su...the-reckoning/

IMHO that's the only advice column I've ever seen with real life and soul in it, and the advice isn't half bad either. You should at least give it a read and see if it provides a different viewpoint.

[42_42_42]

Your daughter is going to need a lot of support as she learns more about her father, especially if his ability to be a responsible parent has not improved. You may want to go ahead and find a good therapist/counsellor for your daughter to have as an additional source of support, especially since kids in their early teens are not always the most forthcoming with their own parents.

[KellyHabersham]

Your daughter is going to need a lot of support as she learns more about her father, especially if his ability to be a responsible parent has not improved. You may want to go ahead and find a good therapist/counsellor for your daughter to have as an additional source of support, especially since kids in their early teens are not always the most forthcoming with their own parents.

This is definitely something which I am considering........Heather wasn't into the idea of counseling through her school, but she might be more open to trying something elsewhere. (among other things, I'm sure it bothers her that Jeremy has been making more of an effort to be a good parent to his other kids, but doesn't do the same for her)

I should probably also mention that it was Jeremy's choice to not be involved in Heather's life, and with the exception of his oldest half-sister, nobody else in his family has had much to do with her, either.

[Treasure]

as the daughter of divorced parents, I'm going to echo the people who said "let her get to know him, she figure it out for herself what kind person/dad he really is"

but - you need to lay out the ground rules:

1 - she does NOT get to use the 2 of you against each other
2 - She does NOT get used as a go-between/messenger between the 2 adults
3 - she does not get to make you the bad guy if she doesn't want to go to something with him - she has to tell him that she doesn't want to go.
4 - you get kept in the loop - if he wants her there for a party - he calls you first to make sure its not going to mess up whatever plans you already have BEFORE he calls her, and that's the other thing, he needs to be the one to communicate with her once given the OK from you(even if you just hand off the phone to her)
5 - you get ultimate Veto power - if your "mommy - sense" starts tingling, and telling you something's not right, you call her.

Most IMPORTANTLY the 2 of you have to remain Civil towards each other for her sake; you don't have to be friends, but you have to be able to communicate w/o it turning into a major fight every time.

additionally you may want to consult a lawyer to see what you are legally obligated to - despite not having an official custody agreement, you want to make sure you do slip up some how and give him the loop-hole needed to hang you.

[KellyHabersham]

I do have to admit that I've not exactly encouraged Heather with wanting to be around Jeremy because I do have major concerns about the kind of influence he might have. Heather's kind of at the stage where she doesn't always want to listen or follow the rules.......Jeremy never quite grew out of that mindset, and unfortunately I can see it happening where he would encourage some of the problems which my mom and I have had to deal with.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

hmmm... I hold out hope that she sees how much of a dick-bag he is. >_>

[KellyHabersham]

hmmm... I hold out hope that she sees how much of a dick-bag he is. >_>

She does recognize some of that, but since what she doesn't see is how some of her attitude/behavior IS like him, again I do have concerns about influences. And that would be a REALLY tough subject to bring up, because Jeremy and I come from different social backgrounds, and it's hard to find a diplomatic way to bring up certain topics. (let's just say there are some discussions he would take better if it came from another person)

But anyhow, sometimes I do think he needs to be around Heather more, so he can be the one to deal with the difficult teenage stuff.

[TowelKing]

A lot of people have made very good points. From my point of view, some new points (i think), and some reiterations.
My parents divorced about 3 years ago, for reasons irrelevant. Since then, my mother has had nothing positive to say about my dad. Did this affect me negatively? No. Did it hurt? Yes. The other thing she tries to do is use me as a go-between. It took me a long time to be able to say "talk to him yourself."
-Don't use her as a go-between. Ever. If you don't feel comfortable talking to him about it, how would a 13 y.o feel?
-Be careful and concerned, but don't be overprotective. That will cause her to look poorly on you as a mother, and if it goes on long enough, she could very well grow to resent you.
-Be careful about how you talk to her about influencing. I don't know how it is for other people, but I tend to take positive influences from people, and leave the negative.
-Don't talk shit about the ex in front of Heather. Ever. Goes back to possible resentment. She is old enough to make her own judgement calls in whether or not hd is a good father. And if she sees things she doesn't like in him, and talks to him, there is a greater chance of him doing something about it.
-Love her and support her. This might sound odd, considering she is your daughter, but make sure to show (and tell, but mainly show) her that you will still love her, regardless of her decisions re: her father. Remember, actions speak louder than words.
And something to give you some peace of mind as well, talk to the ex. Try and set some reasonable boundaries (curfew, location, etc) without going overboard. There is nothing wrong with compromises when it comes to stuff like this, but stay within your boundaries of comfort. Be like a salesman: set the bar high, and if he balks at it, lower it down to where you are still comfortable. He will think he is getting a linger leash, and you're happy.

Best of luck.