Very Complicated Situation.

[Miss_Stress]

Thanks everyone I've shown my fiance this thread and he thanks you all too. I have another update - apparently my fiance's grandmother has decided to give him £1000, but he had no knowledge of any such money until his grandmother asked him what he was going to do with the money. So, he spoke to his father and it transpires that his father has concealed this gift from my fiance and intended to use it to buy premium bonds!

[Dilorenzo]

Hopefully the money is still available and if it's not then that is out and out theft.

Sounds like that's kind of a gray area. Perhaps in a public but not a legal way? Or, of course, I could be completely wrong.

But regardless of legality it's a total dick move.

[Miss_Stress]

I hope your fiancé has told his grandmother what happened. Hopefully the money is still available and if it's not then that is out and out theft.

The money is still available because she hasn't been to the bank and cleared it yet, thank goodness, so my fiance has stated his intention to put the money into a savings account. His grandmother will make sure that the money is put into my fiance's hands and no-one else's now.

[Greenday]

No.

I agree that that is the easy way out. But oftentimes it is better to stay and fight then just give up hope. (And by "stay," I don't mean "stay in that house." In this case, it is figurative.)

I would rather hold on to hope and bear the pain of disappointment than to give up all hope and walk away with my soul bowed. For that pain, there is no cure. Because with every disappointment, hope springs eternal for what the future may yet bring.

There is always hope. Always.

I gotta say I feel pretty good about my choice. I stopped expecting my dad to be the dad he was. He was no longer that person. He still isn't. I'm at the point where I'm basically just friends with my dad. I know him and that's as much as I can hope for. It took my dad almost a decade to realize what he gave up. But things just won't be the same ever again. Now should I keep hope and let myself get emotionally down about it all the time? Or should I just realize it is what it is and not get worked up over it? Hm, I'm going to take the option that is healthy and not let myself get worked up over it, raising blood pressure, hurting my mental health.

[Jester]

I believe this woman is abusing your fiance's father.

You will both find that some people are skeptical of a male being abused by a female. Ignore them, it happens.

I agree that men can be and are abused by women. I just don't believe this to be the case here. (Not in the general definition of abuse, as opposed to manipulating the fuck out of him.)

From Miss Stress's comments on the matter, it is my belief that Dad is easily manipulated, is insecure, and has low self-esteem. And I believe that Superbitch is playing on all of these. That being said, I also believe that Dad is a World Class Douchebag.

...it transpires that his father has concealed this gift from my fiance and intended to use it to buy premium bonds!

World. Class. Douchebag.

Now, were these premium bonds going to be in the name of Fiance or Dad? Or perhaps Superbitch? My money is on one of the second two.

I gotta say I feel pretty good about my choice. I stopped expecting my dad to be the dad he was.

I agree that for you and your situation, that was the right choice to make. However, I do not believe that it is wise or prudent to be counseling others in situations different from yours to accept as a blanket philosophy the idea of giving up hope and accepting things as they are just because it worked for you. Yes, the situations might be similar. But they are not the same, nor are the players.

And I should point out that you did not give up hope in general, just on the idea of your dad changing his ways. The way you said it in your original post, it made it sound like, in general, when things are fucked, stop hoping and move on. That is something that even my jaded ass can't accept. Sorry, but no.

wonder if the bitch partner knew about it and put the idea into his head. It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest, unfortunately.

It would not surprise me if she knew about it. Nor would it surprise me if she didn't. Although I am sure her influence could have pointed Dad in that direction even if she didn't know about the money.

But, unless Dad was planning to put that money into bonds specifically for Fiance, it is a pretty damn shitty thing to do to accept money from one person intended for another and keep it for yourself.

World. Class.

[surreal20]

If i am correct, it IS considered illegal if someone gives you money for one thing, and you spend it on something else.

For example, a church raises funds to pay off a church van. The money goes to the person who has his name on the van. But somehow, the van is 6 months behind...O.o It turns out the owner of the chuch van was using the money for gambling at casinos. That would be considered illegal. There was no written contract, it was just understood that the money was for X and it went to Y.

that may or may not be a clear example...but i tried my best. As i said, it could be wrong. However, since there is no issue with that...my comments are just food for thought.

[Seshat]

Some of the signs of domestic abuse are present. Also, abuse need not be physical or sexual. But you're right, Jester. We don't know enough to assess whether she counts (yet?) as an abuser.

Additionally, there are stages in domestic abuse of (fully mentally capable) adults where the adult being abused has every opportunity to notice that 'something's really wrong here', and getting out. Being cut off from one's family and friends is a major red flag, and one of those critical signs. Having family and friends telling you to get the hell out is another.

However, regardless of whether or not Superbitch has reached the point of abusing, rather than "merely" manipulating Dad; resources for the families of the victims of domestic abuse can be helpful to both Miss Stress and her fiancee.

Miss Stress: I recommend checking out those resources. I think the odds are very high that Superbitch is a serial domestic-abuser, and your fiancee's father is her latest target. Either way, she's definitely a manipulative ass, and the people who help families of abuse victims are familiar with ways to help folks in your fiancee's situation.

[Jester]

Personally, I would love to see someone other than Fiance or Miss Stress get up in Superbitch's face and tell her what for.

I say other than Fiance or Miss Stress because we all know that if either of them did anything of the sort, Superbitch would twist it around and make them look bad to Dad. But if a third party did it, especially with Dad looking on, that would be Pure Awesome.

One way or another, Superbitch really needs a very public and very humiliating dressing down. She needs to be called on the carpet.

[Miss_Stress]

Personally, I would love to see someone other than Fiance or Miss Stress get up in Superbitch's face and tell her what for.

I say other than Fiance or Miss Stress because we all know that if either of them did anything of the sort, Superbitch would twist it around and make them look bad to Dad. But if a third party did it, especially with Dad looking on, that would be Pure Awesome.

One way or another, Superbitch really needs a very public and very humiliating dressing down. She needs to be called on the carpet.

I pray for this! Fiance's grandmother (the dad's mother) has told his dad what Superbitch is like and told him what she is doing, and dear old Dad responded with "I'm not listening to you, I'm sick of you interfering!"

[hawkchick11]

I feel like this thread was written about my dad and (now-ex) stepmother.

She got her claws into him and destroyed the relationship my sisters and I had with him. Everything was about her and her sons, her family, her friends, etc. She took his money, ran up huge credit card debit in his name and when he found out she was cheating, she bolted. He was so blind to everything, the poor bastard still wanted to stay married to her and work things out. The only positive thing she did was divorce him.

I was like your fiance though, I tried to help him before he made the mistake of marrying her but sadly, it fell on deaf ears. Now we're the ones left to pick up the pieces. Our relationship is getting better but will probably never be where it was. Hell, he still spends more time with her kids than my sisters and I.

Keep your head up. Its going to be hard to watch but thats really all you can do right now. Just be there for your fiance.

[Miss_Stress]

**UPDATE**

Well, the new partner has started moving her stuff into my fiance's father's house now. Fiance was aware of this, and asked for a lock on his door so he could have some privacy (as well as protecting his possessions - he has a lot of action figures and he is concerned that the new partner will take them for her grandson as she has done in the past), and has been told no. So, my fiance is not allowed any privacy in his own home. My fiance is not a teenager, he is a grown adult.

Also, the new partner has demanded that he move all his diabetes things upstairs - his glucose checker, his needles, his sharp bin, and even his insulin which must remain refrigerated. She intimated to my fiance's father that she doesn't want her family to know he is diabetic, and actually seems quite eager to hide it all away and act like it's something to be ashamed of.

That's all that's happened for now, but I suspect more is on the way.

[Seshat]

Get your fiancee out now. And look into resources for friends-and-family of the abused. Heck, your fiancee may even count as abused at this point!

[iradney]

Can you or Fiance's Mom store some of your fiance's stuff in the meantime? The stuff he deems valuable? I don't trust Harpy at all to be honest.

[Miss_Stress]

Can you or Fiance's Mom store some of your fiance's stuff in the meantime? The stuff he deems valuable? I don't trust Harpy at all to be honest.

I've already got a Spiderman plate, dish and cup at my house. He bought them as a collector's thing almost - something to display, not use. New partner and her family and grandson turned up for Sunday lunch, new partner disappeared into fiance's room (without permission), fetched down that Spiderman dinner set and gave it to her grandson to eat off! I took it back to my house the very next day.

[Micer]

Catalog. Catalog. Catalog. The best of his stuff should be moved out now, or hell, even stored in something that can be padlocked and can take a good solid hit. It might make his living area spartan, but it's better than being nicked for that cowbirds hell-spawn.

And work on getting him out of there! Because I can almost guarantee things are going to start going missing if she's that disrespectful to straight out go and get something obviously not hers out of his room, and the last thing I would want to imagine is the stuff he needs to take medically suddenly turning up tampered or missing.

My gods, what a piece of... something, cause I sure as hell wouldn't be calling that work.