advice for online dating

[JLG]

Ok so I have been busy being a single mom for awhile. I decided to place some online ads to meet people. I don't know what I really want from it just yet. But I do know that I want to meet men to talk to. Please give me your advice and or experiences. So far I have had responses from people in different states. I don't mind this as I just want to talk for now. I am nervous and a little excited. I feel like I need support. I only told a few friends and so far they don't know what to think.

[AdminAssistant]

First piece of advice - Be CAREFUL! Never give out too much personal info and when you do start meeting people, do so in public. There are a lot of creeps on the internet.

Secondly, be up front about who you are and what you do and don't want. You're a mom, and there's no point in hiding that. (Quite a few people do.) So, let them know you have a child, but I wouldn't post pictures or anything like that. Who are you interested in talking to and getting to know? Who automatically gets crossed off your list? When I was online dating, I set age guidelines (5 years below, 10 above), distance limits (within 1-2 hours), and immediately filtered out smokers. (Tried to date a smoker once. Gross.) I also looked out for heavy drinkers, cat owners (I'm allergic), and general losers. Yes, there is such a thing as having too high standards....but not on the internet. There being picky is a good thing, IMO.

[Seshat]

Be picky.

Use a separate email address just for the online dating.

Don't give out details that can be used to track you down.

Meet in public places at first, at times which give you an 'out' to leave if you find yourself feeling creeped out or anything.

Expect to get tons of responses from guys who haven't bothered to actually READ your profile. Filter them out.

Expect to get responses from guys who send the same thing to a bunch of women. Filter them out.

All of that said: you can meet genuinely interested, genuinely wonderful people this way. You just have to wade through creeps and jerks.

[Jester]

Many good suggestions already given. At the risk of repeating some of them, here are mine.

First of all, SAFETY FIRST. Towards that end, do not give out your address or your last name. Do not be specific about where you work, though of course you can talk about what you do, as long as you keep it general. Too many stalkerish types out there. Don't send sexy pictures to guys. In general, be careful about what pictures you do send or post. My rule of thumb would be that if a picture is not one you would not want your mom, granddad, kids, or coworkers to see, don't send it to some guy you just met on the net. Always meet in very public places, and make sure it is a place you know well enough to have an escape route in your head.

And in addition to a good physical exit strategy, you need a good Date Exit Strategy. An escape hatch you can put into play if things go south fast. You could have a friend call your phone at a preset time, or even have your phone's alarm clock go off (with a ringer tone, of course) at a certain time, and fake a "call" or "text." An old girlfriend of mine met me on a blind date, and originally told me she had to be back home at X time to babysit her little brother. This was a complete lie, but gave her a way out if I creeped her out or she just didn't like me. Rather than being put off by this when she told me later (when I questioned why she was still out with me past X time), I found it rather intelligent of her. Also, make sure some of your friends know where and when you are going to be meeting said person.

Don't compromise your standards too much. If the Christian faith is very important to you, a self-avowed atheist might not be the best choice for you, and vice versa. If you enjoy good food and good drink, a health food nut might not be the best companion. Etc., etc.

I am sure there are other things I could suggest, but remember this: in the American justice system, one is presumed innocent until proven guilty. While dating, it is often prudent to take the opposite tact: assume they're all creeps until one or more of them convince you/prove otherwise. Since, honestly, most of them WILL be creeps anyway. And dating, unlike the courts, does not guarantee due process to jackholes.

Good luck, have fun, and knock 'em dead.

[Bright_Star]

Whatever you do, DO NOT meet somebody in person someone you just met on the internet a few days before because it doesn't work that way. At the very least, give it several months before you meet someone in person. That way you could learn about the person & figure out if you want to go further with them. & talk on the phone too.
Give it time. IF someone trys to pressure you to meet them then dump them like a hot potato & look for somebody else. Keep your safety in mind & you'll be fine.

[Seshat]

Always meet in very public places, and make sure it is a place you know well enough to have an escape route in your head.

Near where I live, there's a shopping centre that's a five minute WALK (not drive) from the local police station. This fact isn't obvious, because the police station is tucked in among assorted local government buildings.

If I were online dating, one of the nicer coffee shops in that shopping centre (mall?) is where I'd suggest. I know the mall well, there's lots and lots of lights-and-people, there's the mall security staff, and the police are close enough for ultra-quick response if it's necessary.
If I were able to drive, I'd park on the side of the mall that the police station is, too. That way if the guy decided to try to follow me to my car, I could just keep going. Past (security camera-ed) government buildings, and straight to the cop shop.


You hope never, ever to need that. But it's better to have that plan in the back of your head and NOT need it, than to be the other way around.

[trailerparkmedic]

Don't be afraid of being too picky. People only let a little of the crazy through online, so if you think "Well, he only seems to be a bit of a loser" based on his profile, he's probably way more of a loser than you'd think.

Don't be afraid to take it slow (phone calls and emails before meeting), especially since this has the added bonus of sorting out the guys who just want some ass.

Have fun! I met my husband online. I'd grown tired of the dating scene in my small town and he lived 90 minutes away and we would have never met otherwise.

[JLG]

Thank you everyone for your input. I appreciate it. I have already met some weirdos of course but I have also met some people that so far seem OK

But for now I am just going to do some chatting and see what happens.

I am starting with e-mails and then chatting on yahoo messenger. No phone calls just yet. There is one friend at work that met her husband online and has done a lot of online dating. She has given me great advice too and she said that I can talk to her anytime about it. So every time I get a new response I tell her and she is very supportive and also tells me what to watch out for.

If anybody has any more advice or is curious how it is going don't hesitate to PM me. For some reason I am still nervous about all of this

[unholypet]

I am starting with e-mails and then chatting on yahoo messenger. No phone calls just yet.

If you're using a dating service, be careful who you give your yahoo name to. Often, spammers and camera chicks will use yahoo as an outlet to infect your computer.

When I did a brief stint as a dating screener, I found yahoo as more than 3/4 the address used by spammers. Dating sites will screen through these, and can see every message you send/get.

[Jester]

Whatever you do, DO NOT meet somebody in person someone you just met on the internet a few days before because it doesn't work that way. At the very least, give it several months before you meet someone in person.

I do not completely agree with this. If you take appropriate precautions, there is nothing wrong with meeting someone you want to meet, even if you've only talked to them a short time. Obviously you need to take said precautions, but I see no problem with meeting someone after a few days, to be honest.

IF someone trys to pressure you to meet them then dump them like a hot potato & look for somebody else. Keep your safety in mind & you'll be fine.

This, however, I thoroughly agree with. Anyone pressuring you into a meeting is either a nutcase or a loser. Either way, not someone you want to deal with.

[JLG]

So far it is not going that good. I have talked to quite a few people that don't stop talking about love and marriage. I told them all I want to do is talk first and see how that goes. And I can't believe the number of guys that are telling me they love everything about me when we have only chatted online a few times.
I had to block some guy last night because he would not shut up about how wonderful he was and how I was his perfect future wife. I kept telling him OK I don't even know you so stop talking to me like that. A friend told me that I would find a lot of wierd ones and ya I sure am.
So far only one has talked to me "normal." He sends nice emails saying Hi and the times we have chatted we just talk about everyday stuff.
But to be honest all these weird dudes have exhausted me. It even made me want to stop for awhile. I might try a few more site before I completely give up.

[Seshat]

This, unfortunately, seems to be a common experience. Block the weirdos, keep talking to that nice guy.

When you're ready to stop handling weirdos for a while, tell the dating site to take your profile out of its set of active profiles.

Keep talking tot he cream of the crop you've harvested so far.

If none of them work out, set your profile as active again. Weed out weirdos, skim off the best. Set profile to inactive.

Enjoy the conversations with the best.

Rinse and repeat.

[Rapscallion]

This, unfortunately, seems to be a common experience. Block the weirdos, keep talking to that nice guy.

Isn't that the same as normal, non-online dating?

Rapscallion

[Moirae]

I met my husband through an online chat site. We were both playing the same game.

I'd recommend against posting dating ad's on websites. Its one thing to just meet someone while doing something else, its something else entirely to go looking. Not to mention, its rather dangerous. Heck, I knew my husband for 3 years before we ever met face to face. And then we traveled back and forth and talked on the phone every night for another three years.

Be very very careful. Take it very very slow, meeting in public, and all that.

[RapidPad0]

This is a little late, but I just wanted to recommend the website Okcupid.com. It's completely free and has a built in message system on the website so you don't have to give out any contact information to initiate a conversation with someone.

It has an anonymous rating system. You're given matches with photos and profiles, along with tons of common Q&As such as thoughts on religion, sex, diet, etc - things that help you gauge whether you guys mesh on the same page or not. Anyway, if you give the person 4+ stars they're sent some matches with you planted in there for them to rate. If they also rate you 4+ stars you get a notification. And vice versa. It keeps track of what you like and don't like this way and filters out unsuitable matches. You can also just browse the site and drop someone a line if you see someone you really like, but I thought the rating system was fun lol.

When you answer the questions, you can choose which answers are suitable in your match and how important it is to you. So if you feel strongly about something you can choose to filter out anyone who disagrees with your morals/standards.

I met my current boyfriend on the website a little over a month ago. We started by meeting in public places for dates and once it became obvious he wasn't a creeper we started having dinner dates at each others' places.

Hope it's going well and don't be afraid to put yourself out there. Just be safe and don't let the weirdos get you down.