What do you do when you have gone cold

[Midnight12]

I am not sure how to put this. I will state to be fair that I am not without blame and do my best to avoid fratching territory. I feel I have gone cold, am no longer attracted to my husband which I can handle, yet I no longer hold respect for him for his choices. I am aware that counseling is in order and for the past 6 months that's what we have been doing and even that doesn't seem to work, or he half asses it.


My part in this as I have stated that I am not without blame.
I have not been an easy person to deal with for the past few months, mood swings due to birth control issues and honestly feeling unable to not fly off the handle over things that normally don't affect me until a medication change occurred.
For a while husband was darned if he did darned if he didn't and I was aware of this at times but for the vast part unaware until the last few counseling sessions.

He works, I do not so its in fairness that I keep the house clean tend to the animals and raise our daughter. Well some days I do nothing but sit in front of the computer and the main excuses are that chores are done, its just getting dinner done or end of the day clean up and walk through before sleep. Or I just don't do it beyond what HAS to be done and daughter gets all the attention that day as I have made attempts to stay off the computer.


His part from least to greatest. and i feel as if i am airing dirty laundry and that its all my fault but you know...I still see some of his "demands" as difficult if not unfair.
The "agreement" that if we both want to work that daughter goes to day care. However since he works night shift and really does want to find another job, I need to find one first. Kind of hard to put available hours as there are NOT very many 24 hour places that are hiring and what hours I AM available are early morning or evening shift. So when I get a job by some miracle then he will quit his job to look full time and help raise daughter. RIGHT...when he has time to put in applications or help me he does neither but loaf around or play video games.

We are supposed to try and save and keep funds in the savings account, but every paycheck he ends up finding an excuse to take money from the savings account to justify his purchases leaving me to seriously tighten to food budget. Daughter has her meals yet i am left with soup or ramen for mine during the day. I stopped doing that and just started hoarding left overs. And yet somehow he has change to spend at the vending machines at his job....I say this as for several weeks almost a month now daughter has been needing new clothes and I have asked for one or two new shirts as mine are literally falling apart to where I have to layer them so i am not showing skin through the shirts.

i admit we are both gamers, I let most of my game desires and wants fall to the wayside as even if I had the funds for them I don't have time as daughter is more important than a game. When I do have time I am exhausted or its bedtime and the rule is once its bedtime you don't have to go to sleep but computer and game systems are OFF or if you have to, hand helds are on silent or use headphones.


With each check he always finds some way to get his comics, his books, his games, or books or whatever latest dvd that has come out which makes it difficult just to pay bills, keep a food budget and then some. His eldest sister and her family make LESS than we do yet somehow THEY are making due with some left over, untouched! His latest upset was that he had to buy a slew of ranma 1/2 manga and due to that the one new game that I had waited for, put funds aside for and earned was unable to be purchased. So he makes this "compromise" In my mind since I got a haircut instead of a game it was one or the other not both. But lo, he will get a game for 20 and I can get a game for 20. and we both get something. I said no because I got this or that not both. Yet he still ends up with a game and I get well...to tighten the budget belt. This is not the first time, and that haircut I went for was vastly overdue.

Many a time the medicine, flea stuff or heartworm pills that the dogs need and the cats need for flea stuff gets put off for weeks at a time because his needs are more important. I have a feline here that needs a specific brand of flea treatment the kind that is put on the back of the neck and works for so long to keep the fleas off of her as she is very allergic to them. Allergic to the point she scratches herself until bald or bleeding because it itches so badly for her. Its not expensive but not that bad either. Its been put off for two weeks for his things.
Again this is not the first time, only the first time that I am telling about it.

The worst...and where I hesitate. His hygiene standards have fallen. He won't shower, I don't know the last time he did and gets upset when I refuse him for any "lovings," hugs, or any physical contact. He works with chemicals at his over night shift and unless he washes his hands I won't let him touch me or daughter. I admit my hygiene has fallen however it is mostly due to not managing my time better and the thought, why shower if I am not going outside. However at worst its only two days at a time that I don't shower compared to his weeks and I do make time to at least clean under my arms and always brush teeth and wash my hands.
He reeks of horrid things.
Last week he pulled something in his shoulder and has asked me to put bengay on his back. I loathe doing it because his back feels grody and the smell just adds to the whole BO among other things. He cannot understand why daughter pushes him away. Her sense of smell is better than mine so it must really bother her. And I have told him many a time, you smell, you smell of work please shower. Husband does have sensitive skin issues however its not as if we do not have proper soap and shampoo to avoid skin irritation...


What hurts is that, I wouldn't put up with this and easily get a job to have my own money to contribute, however for daughter I keep quiet. Except for last month and up to now. I have lost respect for husband, am no longer physically attracted to him and have tried many a time to resolve my issues, have him understand whats going on why this isn't working or isn't fair or that at least think of everyone in the house not just us. The last straw was him jumping my case, in public while I was trying my best to avoid an anxiety panic attack over just having my hair cut. I looked like a hobo due to my clothing and was sweating bullets so how could i make the hair dresser deal with me then? His fix to it? Tell me to suck it up and just deal with it. So say the least that made me feel worse than scum. I haven't spoken to him since last week. And all I get is crud back. I'm done trying and for me that is saying something as I fight not to give up, to keep my promises and to keep going for me and for daughter. Its really difficult to do so with no support or others that don't believe I am having an issue or that shrug and say that's husband!

I was doing so well with changing me for me to be a better person. Now I feel worse, and what was the start of a new beginning feels like it has been dumped on

Thank you for taking the time to read this and listening. no one is obliged to respond however it is appreciated. Mods I apologize for falling back to my old natures.

[telecom_goddess]

Wow that's a tough one and I don't blame you for not finding your husband attractive. I'm sorry but the hygiene alone is a HUGE turn off for me. I get into fights with my bf over hygiene because he doesn't consider it an above average priority and I DO. That has to change first thing.....the rest can work out. IF you find a job first make sure he helps with the house...there is no reason why he can't. He will probably feel like you're nagging but he has to know that he has responsibilities that he has to live up to to be a decent human being, or he can't be part of the household if it comes down to that.

[Midnight12]

i moved to his household. so my thoughts are bottom line, I'd be the one to leave. i just couldn't take daughter away from her grandpa, she loves him so much.

And many a times we have tried to work it out, sort it out, compromise, fix it, resolve it. chore boards, talking, understanding each other's feelings, listening. still nothing has yet to be resolved.
i have just given up and said i will do what is needed as i am not going to tell him the same things I have said many a time, I am not going to further upset myself over things he should already know that are written down in several places. I know how he is most of the time, such as how he gets when he wakes up how he is when cranky, or tired or excited.
when excited he babbles on and is just so happy to have said thing/item/event to look forward to almost like a child. when just woken up he won't remember stuff if i tell him, or is not all there for a while.
things like that, yet he can't seem to recall how I am...i am not THAT complicated but I get grump too from no sleep, or a fussy child that I have bent over backwards to ease her pain/problems and she is still upset.
if i want to throw a little hissy fit that isn't hurting anyone I'm in the wrong yet when he gets grumpy and anti-social its ok. yesh...alot of little things that over the span of time have just beaten me down inside. i just don't care. I broke my give a damn filter because it hurt to care after a while

[ArcticChicken]

You sounds depressed, he sounds like an asshole.

I think you need to see a counselor just for yourself, he probably needs to as well.

Were I you I would seriously consider leaving. Raising a child is a full-time job, house keeping is at LEAST a part-time job. Look at it that way and you are working more than him. He needs to help with raising his child, you need to be able to get out of the house. You need time off and it sounds to me like you're not getting it. He gets his video games and his toys but you don't. That's not at all fair.

[SteverinoNY]

It's a tough place to be in where you want to do the right thing for your daughter and try to be supportive of your husband, but I don't see a way where you can possibly respect him when he does not respect himself. You are doing what you need to do for yourself to take care of yourself and your child, but he is not living up to his end of the marriage. Limiting what you can do and what you can spend while being irresponsible with the family finances is not a sign that he has any respect for you or your child. Saying he will look for a job so he can spend more time with the family and you and then playing video games all day is not what he should be doing. You may be going to get the help you need, but he needs to step up and do the same. The hygiene thing is not just laziness, but it could be some sort of mental illness or depression. Of course, not going to counseling is not going to help matters for him. I know you are struggling with what you should do, but know that there are people who care and we will help you however we can.

[CaroPhoenix]

I had to look at the screen name 'cos I could have written this thread.

I completely understand what you are going through. I'm struggling with a lot of the same issues. And we too have a daughter (she's autistic, so "special circumstances" I suppose), but I feel the same way.

PM me if you want a chat session or let off steam or compare husbands.

[Midnight12]

please let me state, for the record. I have been to counseling, alone sessions and with hubs as a couple session. I have gone to depression class, TWICE. it has helped me, and helps me be able to get through and deal, but it still doesn't fix the problem. I can continue to go back to the depression class but if hubs makes such a big deal out of going I finally said fine, i won't go anymore and you can deal with me as is so shut up.
His complaint was the times it ran and that class always ended late. Well you KNOW that when a group of women get together they like to talk. And in that I mean its a group where you can share, that this is a group of women all dealing with a problem and its hard NOT to want to share stories or just let it out. So of course its going to run late. Not putting down women and groups of them but its in our nature. We relate through experiences and sharing and so on. Excuse me for being five minutes late or that you had to deal with a fussy child for five minutes omg.
Yet when hubs spends forever in his game stores or library or what not and I want to go because daughter is fussy, tired or whatever, I can just wait. Forget the fact I cannot bring in outside food for her or ask you for the keys to the car either.
Main complaint lately is that he feels he is walking on egg shells around me, and I'm not doing the same around him? One day he is fine and happy, the next all gloomy and foreboding and anti-social but its not from something I have done, and heaven forbid If I attempt to make him aware of it either. Can I leave now...without emotional repercussion?

Not to horribly detract...
I tried looking at "special circumstances" as making kids extra special in a good way.
And that kids with autism, special needs or deathly allergies are normal to me, they just are different in their own way and unless instructed by the parent specifically i don't react or treat said children any differently. i figured think and act about it that way because if I acted with the knowledge of this kid has (whatever issue) then I'm going to be acting differently and holding back and the child will pick that up.

that said, knowing little about how to deal with autism i do what the parents instruct.

[Seshat]

He won't change unless he is given a reason to, that makes sense to HIM.

At the moment he has a comfy, cozy situation. Oh, occasionally you freak out on him (as he probably perceives it), but that's a small price to pay for a situation that suits him just fine.

You're going to have to shake him out of it.

Start reading dog training manuals, even cat training manuals. Start reading self-help stuff like 'the gift of anger'*
(*anger tells you when something is wrong or unfair, and gives you the emotional strength to act on it. Keep anger restrained by intellect, and it can work FOR you.)

Work on one or two of his behaviours at a time, using techniques from both dog training and the self-help books.

For example, if you decide to work on the hygiene issue, you might opt to kiss him when he's just cleaned his teeth. And refuse him when he hasn't.
If he's just had a shower, reward him with hugs and encourage your daughter to as well.
If he's cleaned up thoroughly ... reward him as far as you want to go.

I'm a trainer who doesn't advocate punishment except under the most severe circumstances, so I would recommend against nagging, scolding, and the like. Just ask him to shower. Once. If he does, he gets the goodies. If he doesn't, he gets ignored physically until he does, and you and daughter avoid his stink zone.


The finances issue may require what trainers call 'deterrence' or even 'making it impossible for them to break the rules'. Get a joint savings account of the sort that requires signatures from BOTH parties before anything can come out. That's your long term savings.
Get an account for you. That's household funds and personal funds for you. Get an account for him. That's personal funds for him, plus what he needs for work or any household spending HE does.

Distribute the money on payday. Automatically. The company may be willing to do it, if not, the bank certainly will.


When he speaks to you disrespectfully, send him to his room until he's willing to treat you as a human.
Seriously. My wife trained her father to stop being disrespectful to her by simply standing up, taking her car keys, and leaving the moment he did. Since you live in the same house, the exact same trick won't work.
But some similar trick will. Let him know you won't be spoken to that way, by leaving, hanging up, sending him to his room, going to the bedroom... whatever works.


All that said: this changes his behaviours. It MIGHT end up changing his attitudes as well - but it might not. If it doesn't, you have the hard decision of whether you can live with someone with those attitudes.

[Midnight12]

thank you for the advice. i don't like having to think of him as a bad dog but if thats what it takes. fine. i do have one question.

if he asks why i am treating him as such, a dog or child can i say because he is acting like one?

[telecom_goddess]

thank you for the advice. i don't like having to think of him as a bad dog but if thats what it takes. fine. i do have one question.

if he asks why i am treating him as such, a dog or child can i say because he is acting like one?

I would and add pig while you're at it

[AccountingDrone]

Make him take a weeks vacation and 'job shadow' you. Make him go shopping with you for food, and buy it out of his money, and eat the exact thing you do, ramen, plain rice, whatever. Make him do everything you would have in your place. Some people have literally no idea how much work taking care of a house and kid is ... a kid can't be fobbed off like taking out the garbage, when she needs something, she needs it *now*.

If anything, I would make him change his autodeposit to reflect a functional household budget going into an account he can not touch. If that means you need to lock your stuff somewhere and wear the key around your neck at night, then do so.

To be honest, my dad got an allowance from my mom, she ran the house. He got a certain amount of money deposited in his checking account every month. I see nothing wrong with this, household budget comes first, then you split the balance between savings, his spending money and her spending money.

[Midnight12]

I would and add pig while you're at it

<.<
>.>

you said it first....pretty much sometimes



and we go shopping together AccountingDrone. Since I cannot legally drive shopping is done by list and stick to the list and keep to budget or try not to go over the set limit. And as he does pay for it this is why i try to get only what we need.
In an attempt to spend less yet still get what he wants he tried this plan. Get ONE book each paycheck until his series is complete. Current series of manga being ranma 1/2 and the other current is negima manga which one comes out every month or two. that seems ok but...I still said no. cause throw in your dvd's that keep coming out its still too much. It was originally agreed ONE dvd per two weeks and three manga per month books not volumes. And now he wants me to try to potty train diaper so we can drop the cost of diapers. EXCUSE ME i cannot make her, just because she is showing signs of MAYBE wanting to TRY or being able to control being able to hold it DOES NOT mean i can push her to train....WTF I ought to make him wear the diaper.
and he has a week vacation coming up I think I WILL make him shadow me. thank you for the idea. but of course the whole finance idea would be met with whinning and thats too complicated and no fair because I'm (me) not working

[trailerparkmedic]

f course the whole finance idea would be met with whinning and thats too complicated and no fair because I'm (me) not working

Him: "Whhyyyyyy can't I have what I want? I'm the big bad breadwinner and you don't even work!!"
You: "I do not work outside the home because daycare costs $XXX/week and I would make $YYY/week, leaving us with $ZZZ/week extra. Add in the cost of a cleaning lady at $AA/week, laundry service at $BB/week (add in anything you can think of) and we'd be losing $LLL/week. I don't work so that WE can afford what WE NEED and you can enjoy things like a full night's sleep instead of running after the baby."

[SuperRTL]

I could have written this, too.

The answers I've come up with is: I told my husband "YOU have a family which is YOUR responsibility to provide for. If would cost us more for me to pick up more hours than I would make. The family comes first and your little 'treats' come after EVERYTHING ELSE is paid for, including decent food for us to eat during the day."

I made him sit with me to go over the household budget. We started with just the bare bones and we each had veto power over any little luxuries we wanted to add. I made sure the grocery budget was enough to feed everybody. No ramen for me, thank you very much. I made sure he realized exactly how much is little extras were hurting the family every week.

Finally, I got my own account, in my name, that he can't touch. I consider it an emergency fund. He knows about it and has been known to cause an emergency to get at the money in it. The latest was not paying the phone bill. The cellphones got shut off. I told him, "Well, that sucks. But I'm still using my money to fix the breaks in my car and get an oil change. Phones were your responsibility." I just heard from his aunt that she and his grandmother were going to try and fix our phones. I asked them to please not, it's his responsibility and he's got to fix it on his own. He's over 30, it's way past time to be an adult.

[Moirae]

Ok, there's something out of balance in your relationship.

Ok, so I'd like to relate a little here. It doesn't match up precisely with what you're experiencing, but it will lead somewhere I promise.

My father was an abusive alcoholic. My parents split when I was 15 and I was forced to move to a new city that I now consider to be home. Things were really hard when he left, and I went to work to help my mom pay the bills. I also paid my own way through high school, bought a graduation ring, and my own graduation dress. Mom had a nervous breakdown and I never told anyone because I was scared my sister and I would be taken away. So mom and I worked, I paid the bills, took care of the house, and took care of my sister. I grew up very fast because I had no choice.

That being said, it was STILL better than what went on between them when I was growing up. I have so many stories, it would take hours of writing. My dad didn't get into drugs but he was not a good man. As far as I know he never cheated, though my mom told me she suspected a couple of times.

I barely talk to him anymore, but I'm hesitant to cut him off completely because my mom died in 2003 (I still miss her). I do have a stepmom that I can't stand, and a stepdad that I adore (I wish he was my dad). My dad's latest snub is that my birthday was May 14. He called two days after, and didn't once even mention it. My husband really doesn't like my dad.

My sister married a very bad man, much worse than my dad. He was great when they were dating, but after they got married, he got heavily into drugs and started selling their possessions to fund it. My sister left when the police raided the house and they told her that they would take my nephew away if she didn't leave the situation.

I married a bad man myself. He was emotionally cruel. I know he cheated on me at least once. He used to punch holes in the walls and when my stepdad confronted him on it he said "Its better than punching her in the face, isn't it". He used to make me get into the back seat when his friends got in the car. And he'd pick me up and throw me onto the couch or bed. There's more but you get the picture. I was so scared when I left that I left the country for 6 months because I was scared he'd hurt me.

I've remarried to a very good man. When he and I met, it was like lightning struck. I love him so much, and have even moved to another country to be by his side. He treats me like gold.

So, from personal experience there's a few things I feel that I can say, and that you need to do.

1. You need to go to work. No if's and's or but's. Its time for you to go to work. And for your own sanity, you need to do something other than sit at home all the time, whether you're doing chores or not. It does not matter. You need to talk to other people, and other adults. It will also let YOU feel financially secure so that if you do leave, you have something to fall back on. And you won't be worrying constantly about money because you'll have two incomes. Seshat also made some great suggestions on finance. However, its going to be very hard for you to do whats suggested if you don't have any of your own money coming in.

2. You need to talk, and listen, to each other. In the presence of a counselor or not doesn't matter. Its time to be open and brutally honest. Say what you need to say.

3. Seshat made some great suggestions on the hygiene issue. BUT, you need to do the same. Set an example for him, and your child. Shower every single day without exception. Especially with the heat thats going on.

4. Its not the end of the world if you leave. My mom did it. My sister did it. I did it. Yes, its hard, but if someone is abusive towards you, its the best answer for everyone involved. Whatever you do, DO NOT KID YOURSELF ABOUT STAYING FOR YOUR CHILD. My mother stayed with my dad for 10 years "for my daughters". And nearly every minute of those 10 years was miserable. My sister and I were happy as hell when they finally split and we always wondered why mom didn't leave earlier. Our lives were so much better when he wasn't around. The only times in our lives that we were ever happy kids is when my mom was around and doing stuff with us. She was a stay at home mom too. Back then, it was alot more viable. I have many many wonderful memories of her, and we were best friends up until the day she died. Every time my sister and I ever did anything it was always "what would mom think" before we made the decision. She was the strongest woman I've ever known and a very very good mother.

Don't be afraid to do what you feel needs to be done. But don't make your child the reason you are staying in a horrible marriage. Your daughter knows something is wrong. She will feel guilty if you use her as an excuse. No matter what idiots say, divorce is NOT the worst thing that can happen to your children and will NOT make them maladjusted. Only continuing in the same situation will if you nothing changes.