Self esteem help

[JLG]

My best friend is going through some very bad self esteem issues that has me worried. She feels like she will never find a good man to love her.
Because of this she will have sex with almost any man because she thinks that this is how they will like her and then it might turn into a relationship.
She meets a lot of these men on craigslist with the intention of having sex first then getting to know them after. She met a man on there that she really liked. He told her at first he was single and just wanted a friend with benefits type deal. Then about 2 weeks later he told her that he had a girlfriend that he lived with and gave her one of those stories about his girlfriend hating sex and that is why he put the add on craigslist. My friend continued to meet him a few times a week and she was falling for him and was hopind he would leave his girlfriend. After 3 months of this she found out last week that he is MARRIED and has been giving her a FAKE NAME all of this time.
He has been married for probably about 5+ years. It is a long story on how she found out. He doesn't even know that she found this out and she is not going to tell him. We all tell her to end it with him but I don't think that she will. She even said she is not sure if she wants to end it with him.
She does whatever this man wants. He lives out his sexually fantasies through her. He wanted to find another women to have sex with them and she went out and found one. She has unproected sex with him. She is on birth control herself but of course we know that does not prevent STD's. He even told her that he has put out online adds to have sex with men too. She does not like most of this and she just wants him and her to have sex but she does whatever he wants.
I am not judging her actions. I want to help her have better self esteem. She tells me all the time how she feels like an awful person for what she is doing but she can't stop because it is the only way she thinks that she will find any type of love from a man.
I myself am not the best person with self esteem but I am not as bad as her. So I thought that together her and I can gain some confidence and self esteem to feel better about ourselves.
I am worried about her because she has been cutting herself and today when I talked to her I could sense she was having a bad day. I know that she will go back to seeing this man even though he is married and gave her a fake name. I can't stop her from that. I just need some advice or suggestions about this. I can't tell anybody about this and sometimes the stress of seeing her going though this gets me depressed a long with my own crap going on.

[ArcticChicken]

I'm going to tell you something that's going to be hard to hear. You can't fix this. There aren't any magic words you can say to make her feel better about herself, or to get her to stop letting this asshole use her.

What you can do is be there for her. Listen to her, talk to her. Try and convince her to get help, from a professional. She needs it, desperately. From the sound of it, it couldn't hurt for you to see someone, too.

[JLG]

I'm going to tell you something that's going to be hard to hear. You can't fix this. There aren't any magic words you can say to make her feel better about herself, or to get her to stop letting this asshole use her.

What you can do is be there for her. Listen to her, talk to her. Try and convince her to get help, from a professional. She needs it, desperately. From the sound of it, it couldn't hurt for you to see someone, too.

Yes this is true. Like I said I want for her and I to both feel better about ourselves. We both need it. At first I was not there for her cause I was upset that she was letting this happen. Then I realized that I was hurting her and changed that. I have told her that no matter what she decides to do that I will be here for her anytime to listen.

[Seshat]

JLG,

It's a known behaviour pattern, one that's not uncommon (unfortunately).

She does need professional help. Getting her to get it, though, is going to be the issue. She has to decide for herself.

That said, you can get help for yourself. This will achieve several things: it'll improve your self-esteem and general wellbeing, it'll provide an example that getting professional help is okay, it'll make you a better 'listening ear' and 'crying-on shoulder', and you can ask your counsellor for advice on how to best help her.

We can't help our loved ones if we ourselves are wrecks. I found this out the hard way. Please don't follow my example. Look after yourself. That way you can better look after her.

[depechemodefan]

My mom used to date a guy who was married. She meet him at a friend's house so she knew he was married. But he said he only remarried his ex because his kids lived in X country and he came to the US, got his citizenship, and his kids said unless he remarried their mom they won't allow him to bring them to the US.

God, my mom was a mess. She kept on passing by his house to see if he was home, and drive by his work to see if he was working when he said he was working; and she would call his house and hang up.

Best I could do was support her in her madness, like drive with her to the guy's house. Me refusing her wasn't going to make her stop. She knew she was doing bad. She finally dropped him when she did a drive by by his work and saw him talking to another woman.

So I wish I could recommend something to make your friend change or get self-esteem. Just be there for her. Maybe try to find a group or association that is for people who cut themselves. I have a cw who pulls out her hair. She has been going to group therapy for years, and sometimes she goes a long time without pulling her hair and other times she just starts.

Just tell her she is not a bad person. Yes, she does stupid things but that doesn't make her a bad person.

[Der Cute]

Seshat is right - no matter what YOU do, SHE is the one who is in charge of her feelings/behavior. Does she see that she's being self-destructive, low self esteem; does she see it in herself at all?

Here's a bit of a secret: I, as a young teenage girl, would have sex like a bunnyrabbit on crack. It was directly related to my upbringing. I had low self esteem. I wanted love. I somehow tied physical attention to that love I was seeking. So, I'd have sex, and well...it wasn't all that good. I broke the pattern because I saw what I was doing AND I wanted to change it.

First - on your end, repeat to yourself : I care about her but she is responsible for her own decisions. I have a friend who's an alcoholic. No matter what I do I cannot make him stop. Caring, loving, I can do that. I finally had to say - Self, HE does it cuz HE wants to. YOU can only love.

Second - repeat to yourself: I care about her, but I need to fix my shit first. I care about people, but if MY shit isn't fixed, I can't do much good for THEM.

Third - ask yourself how important is this relationship? Really? My alcoholic friend - the relationship with him is very very good. He's worth a lot to me - he's been there through a lot for me and has helped me bunches. I've done the same for him. We love each other. BUT if it was a one way street - "Oh Der Cute I need waa waa waa I"m drunk" "Oh please come help me I need booze money waa waa waa"...If I was doing all the work, listening, caring, loving him? Would that be worthwhile? Would it be any good to me if I spent all my brain power, compassion and caring on him, if all he does is whine and cry about his own problems??... no.

There have been times when his alcoholism has been between us. I drew boundaries and we worked from there. You might have to do that with her too. When I drew a boundary "do not call me when you're drunk. Goodbye" it freed ME from thinking "oh god he's drunk again oh god is he gonna be ok" This goes hand in hand with : She's responsible for HER actions.
When my friend calls and is boozed up? I say "Bye, talk to me when you're sober" and he calls back later. I know that he's ok, he's done this enough, HE is his own problem. No matter where what how I do...he's the one doing it. So is your friend.

You can say "Friend, I love you. Have you ever thought about WHY you do this?" (that will make her defensive...find another way?) Or "Friend, I love you. Can we not talk about Mr. Asshat? Oh, did you see the news today about the large tiger eating a badger?" You could also say, "Friend, it scares me to see that you put yourself with guys who are married, and can't give you what you deserve - full attention, caring, love and trust. Yeah, those qualities are hard to find, but, they do exist."

Shoot, tell her that I used to do things like her. But I figured out somehow during that time that I wasn't getting what I needed - or at least not enough of all of them. So I changed. Ain't easy.