Some advice for help up.

[Spork4pedro]

Ok..I was replying to Joi's post when I realised that I too need some advice. This is also partly me writing my dealings out for the first time so please bear with me if this gets too long.

I've recently come to realize that I am experiencing depression. As I posted in the other thread, I've been having emotional and physical disconnection since (I think) the middle of my pregnancy (mid 2009). At that time things at work were becoming increasingly stressful plus I was also a full time student and well hormonal. I wasn't acting down really just really tired from pregnancy and stressed a bit.

Then I went on maternity leave in October 2009. I gave birth and all was well (I was crazy for a couple weeks but still happy..man those hormones are NUTS right after birth!) and towards the end of my leave (maybe 2 weeks before my return to work) work drama hits. My DM has majorly screwed me over and continues to do so until my store closes June 2010 and I am unemployed. (great way to spend a bday..) It's a few months after losing my job that I realize that this emotional disconnection and tiredness that I thought was me being tired from long hours and stress isn't going away. I'm snapping at my bf over little things, sleeping at odd hours, and not wanting to do much of anything and just had occasional bad days of feeling sorry for myself up until I started my new(ish) job in April. After I start working again my moods decided to go nuts (only at home..I can always hold it together at work). BF and I are now constantly fighting and I find myself resenting him again since he's not working (hasn't been since early 2009) and stressed since our savings has been used up and now we're majorly in a crunch financially. My occasional "down" days go from once a month or so to a couple times a week and I find myself constantly drowning in negative and irrational thoughts. I feel lonely and trapped since all my friends and family are down in my hometown and I'm stuck here (and I'm not a phone person) and I don't really feel close enough to them or any of my BF family to talk to them about this. My only support is BF (who really has been amazing) but when alot of my issues revolve around him it's hard to really talk rationally about it.

Today I reached my bottom point. This morning BF and I got into a stupid...arguement I guess it was..I dunno..there wasn't even really any issue. We were both being stupid...but I digress. The point is that I got so angry that just blew up. Emotionally, physically you name it. I felt like Cyclops when his glasses get ripped off and all that power just explodes from his eyes. I screamed, I punched things (walls and doors..no living things), I threw objects across rooms. It was disgusting. I was acting like a 2 y/o having a bad tantrum. Meanwhile my actual 2 y/o was watching me and got scared of me. As in once I settled down, he wouldn't even come near me. It's been YEARS since I've felt like that and I had to go and do it in front of my kid. BF took our son out for a walk to calm him down and I just broke down in the shower. I let it all out and calmed down as they got home. Luckily my son seemed to forgive me and climbed in my lap, hugged me and fell asleep.

So here's the advice part. I CAN NOT let this continue as it is. I am tired of living like a zombie and don't want to ever have my son witness something like that again. I am so ashamed and embarrassed by how I was today. I need help. My question is where to start? I've been told to see a doctor but I don't really have one. Do I just go to the walkin clinic that I go when I'm sick? Or do I actually need to seek out a therapist? I don't have any available funds at the moment so my options I fear may be limited.

Any advice is greatly appreciated and again I apologise for the length and ranty-ness. Thank you for lending an ear.

[Dilorenzo]

Depression, and dealing with it, can be different for different folks. Perhaps the best place to start would be trying to see if you can get a regular physician who might be able to recommend either a therapist, or, as you can't currently afford that, some type of program? It's been too many years and two different countries, so I can't give you more specific advice than that. I'm sure others will have better ideas.

The important thing here is to try and keep your chin up while you go through whatever program/therapy you need to get yourself better. There's no magic pill or cure. And it might take a long time to find the right combination to help you.

[Seshat]

The Australian National University (ANU) has a program called Moodgym. http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

I noticed just now that they also have 'eCouch'.

Both are free. Moodgym started as an experiment to see if online, automated CBT (a kind of talking therapy/teaching coping skills blend) could help people. It's been so successful they've kept it running and are now in version 3 - and apparently have added eCouch. (Which I know nothing about.)

Some aspects of either, or both, may seem silly at first. Talking therapy with a live therapist can seem silly as well - it has to me, in the past.

Now, that said...

Depression can be caused by many things, and can be treated in many ways: the treatment depends in part on the cause.

* Grief is a cause most people are familiar with. But did you know you can grieve the loss of a job, the loss of a way of life (eg, life pre-child), the loss of a home (moving house can cause grief!), a loss of health in yourself or someone else?

Many religious ministers/imam/rabbis/priests/whatever are skilled in helping with grief (of all causes), or have congregation members who have picked up those skills. Humanity has been dealing with grief for a very long time, and in most tribes, one of the duties of the tribal shaman or wise woman was helping to heal grief. That duty passed down to their cultural descendants.

The treatment for "simple grief" is pretty much supportive - wise and caring friends and family, and working through it. If you've ever helped someone through the loss of a loved friend or family member, you know the basic treatments for grief.
If that isn't enough, specialist intervention may be needed. Again, many religious communities have specialist grief counsellors who can help sub-clinical cases of severe grief; but some people need medical intervention.


* The lack of a sense of accomplishment can cause or contribute to depression. If you don't feel like you're doing anything worthwhile, or achieving anything, you can feel sad about that - and chronic sadness can become the thought patterns for depression.
The treatment for that is either recognising your accomplishments, or creating accomplishments. (If you aren't actually doing anything to be pleased by, satisfied with, or proud of, it's hard to be pleased/satisfied/proud.)

However, some cases (eg me) can write a book and have it accepted by THE major publisher in the field, receive the first-of-the-press copy, and go 'meh'. That's how my psychologist ruled this one out for me ... I knew intellectually it was something to be proud of, I was just too depressed to feel it.
Again, if that's the case, medical intervention is needed.


* Not doing anything to bring joy to your life. If you don't stop and smell the roses, pet the dog, hug your kids... duuuh. You're going to be depressed, you're not letting yourself feel happy.
Cure: stop and smell the roses.

Now, if you smell the roses but it doesn't lift your spirits, you're either allergic to rose pollen or you need medical intervention.


* You're living in a crappy situation.
If your life sucks - really does suck - it's quite reasonable for you to be depressed.
Cure: get out of the crappy situation. Get help if you need to.


* Habits of thought.
One of the other causes has been with you a long time.
You suffered trauma.
You suffered abuse.
You had a long term illness.
You were a long term victim of something.

The habits of thought from that situation are still with you. Coping mechanisms that got you through that situation are still with you. They're just no longer valid, and now they're making your current situation worse.
Cure: get help to break those habits of thought. (It's usually too hard to do on your own.)



* Something I've forgotten..
... if I've left any of the non neurochemical/anatomical cases out, I'm sure one of our other knowledgeable folk will fill this in.



* Neurochemical or anatomical issues.
Your brain chemistry, neural anatomy, hormones, or something else that affects brain function, is screwed up.
Cure: sorry, this one requires psychiatric assistance, at least for diagnosis. A general/family doctor can sometimes diagnose this as well, but mine preferred to refer me to a psychiatrist to confirm his diagnosis.
Talking therapies will provide techniques for coping with the problem.
Medication may be necessary to correct the physical/chemical aspect of the problem.
Analogy: some diabetics can be fine with diet and exercise changes (analogous to talking therapy coping techniques), others require insulin (medication).




EDIT TO ADD:
Any of these except the neurochemical or anatomical MIGHT be able to be fixed with the MoodGym/eCouch programs. It depends on everything from exactly what's wrong with you, to how well those two types of 'talking therapy' work for you. Moodgym or eCouch in combination with a wise friend may be even better than just the program.
Moodgym/eCouch may provide the coping techniques for the neurochemical-etc cases.

[Der Cute]

First thing I think of is Post Partum Depression. You don't have to be going psycho for that, you can be in the range of depression (slightly sad) to Postal.

Please check with a therapist AND call your OBGYN doc to find a person /professional who KNOWS about post partum. PPMD can happen up to 2 years AFTER giving birth. It can be sustained or stay with you for at least 2 years afterwards. It can range from being sad to being postal. It can have a tinge of anxiety in it, it can be rage. it's all over the place.

Please get hooked up with a pro NOW and see if you can get one with PPMD experience. At the same time, work on what Seshat has put out there, and with two therapies, you have a better chance at getting better.

Hugs. My PPMD was pretty bad. ER check-in to say the least. You don't sound that bad, but you could be on this. Find out.

[Spork4pedro]

Seshat: I will check out those sites (are the available to those outside Aus.?) I have never liked any of my experiences with a live therapist so these may work better for me. Thank you!

Now, if you smell the roses but it doesn't lift your spirits, you're either allergic to rose pollen or you need medical intervention.

Ok..this just cracked me up! May I use it as a sig?

Der: I didn't know that Post Partum can last that long! I figured that it might be that but wasn't sure since it's been going on since the middle of pregnancy not after. I will talk to my OBGYN at my next visit.

[Seshat]

Seshat: I will check out those sites (are the available to those outside Aus.?)

Yes, they are.

Ok..this just cracked me up! May I use it as a sig?

Of course.

[Der Cute]

Do understand that depression can happen DURING the pregnancy. It's not all roses glitter unicorns and hot men. Nope. My last trimester was pretty ..blah...but depression in it. And the PPMD hit pretty fast afterwards. That's ME tho.

Call your obgyn, ok? Like now? If you're this moody and pissy, there's a physical reason for it. Find out.