When a friend in need becomes draining

[ShinyGreenApple]

I have a friend at work that I've gotten kind of close with. Recently, she and her husband have fallen on some rough times. He'd been out of work for a while but recently did get a stocking job. However, their house was foreclosed on, meaning their credit is shot for a while and they're living with another friend until they can find a place to rent. Its sad that they lost the place, but I have a hard time garnering too much sympathy because while she was the only one bringing in income (working at a Volde-Mart, mind), they still put out for her smoking habit, both of their WoW subscriptions, cable, internet, AND she purchased a $90 a month smartphone contract. I know because I have the same plan. I'm sorry, but if I knew I was having trouble making house and utility payments, I would have freaking downsized my lifestyle! I love her and her husband to death but it's getting wearying hearing about the latest crappy thing that's happened and how shitty life is. More from her than him, he seems to be taking one day at a time. I can't help but think that they brought this on themselves in a way from all the spending. You don't 'need' to play Angry Birds or Plants vs. Zombies every spare moment. I felt horrible when she told me they lost he house AFTER she'd invited me over and we drank an entire bottle of Jager. I know that stuff isn't cheap. Anyways, I just need to think of a way to tactfully turn down invites to spend every possible free moment with her without seeming like a heartless bitch. I've recently decided to give another chance at a friendship with a male colleague at work that she doesn't think much of and I'm afraid she'll be pissed at me for spending a few free afternoons and weekends with him instead. Lord knows he has issues too, but he's not constantly needing attention, rides, or money, either. But I'm tired of always coming to the rescue or eating/drinking ourselves sick together every time she's feeling crappy about things. It's just really draining, you know?

[Jester]

This is easy enough.

Needy Friend: "Hey, Apple, come on over tonight."
Apple: "Sorry, Needy, I'm kind of busy tonight."

There are a million things you could be busy with. I'm sure you can figure the rest out.

[Cat]

I second Jester....it's not always easy, but sometime you have to tell your needy friend, "nope, sorry, cannot hang out tonight." I've had to distance myself from draining friends..I was exhausted after being with them for just a few minutes!

I hope things work out with this new friend!

[ArcticChicken]

I gotta say, if she's the type to get angry with you because you want to hang out with another friend, then she's not worth having as a friend.

[ShinyGreenApple]

Nothing like a forum to knock some common sense into me, LOL. I guess I needed a vent more than anything. Maybe I wouldn't mind so much if we did anything besides eat and drink. Oh yeah, and me sitting there being forced to watch Tivoed episodes of Big Brother and The Voice. *whimpers*

[taxguykarl]

I agree with Jester. When in doubt, brush her off. No need for you to get depressed over the logical conclusion to their spending/budget/priority problems. Neither is there any reason for you to bail them out.
ArcticChicken is also right about hanging with her--chances are she may be pumping you for cash, especially if she talks about little else.

[MaggieTheCat]

Wow, your story is very very similar to something my husband and I went through a few years ago with a mutual friend.

We'll call her "F." F had been a mutual friend of ours for a long time, long before my husband and I were married. In fact, we met each other through F. Before we started dating, my husband had a thing for F. He was pretty infatuated with her, actually.

F was very much like the people the OP described. She had a lot of stuff, video games, a car, a nice computer, subscriptions to various services, but she didn't have a job and was going through her savings pretty fast. My husband thought maybe she needed a change in life, so he invited her to move in with him (which would involve moving cities, and he thought a fresh start would be good for her.) She willingly accepting the invited, and promptly did absolutely nothing to contribute to the household. She looked for a job for the first couple of weeks after she moved in, then stopped looking and did nothing but play video games and chat online all day. Her various monthly payments eventually were being paid for by her parents, after she ran out of her savings. She did nothing around the house, no chores or cooking or anything. My husband ended up paying for everything for both of them and was doing everything around the house, on top of working 40+ hours a week.

This went on for close to a year before I found out (like I said, this was before my husband and I had started dating, so I was kind of casual friends with both of them at the time.) He told me all of this and I asked him why he was letting her walk all over him. He didn't have an answer. He realized that he was only doing it because he really liked her and felt sorry for her, and when I pointed it out, he realized how much she was using him. He set down some ground rules for her (must look for a job, must do chores around the house, etc.) and she promptly freaked the hell out and told him he was being mean and unfair. It ended with him actually kicking her out because she went batshit crazy on him. Neither one of us have spoken to her in almost 5 years now, ever since then.

I gotta say, if she's the type to get angry with you because you want to hang out with another friend, then she's not worth having as a friend.

F was like this, too, and Arcticchicken is right, it's absolutely not worth putting up with.

Sometimes the best (and only) thing you can do, is stop being friends with people like this. I tried being a casual friend with F for a long time, even after my husband and I started dating. I gave her many chances. She was a bitch the entire time. It took both my husband and I a long time to realize that, but we (especially my husband, since he was much closer to her than I was) are much happier without her in our lives.

[ShinyGreenApple]

Also, this may sound weird, but I've gotten the slight impression that she's getting possessive of me in a 'more than friends' way. When she gets mad at her husband, she either texts me about it or wants the two of us to hang out. Believe me, I definitely avoid giving in to those invites because I don't want to be 'that' friend. Work out your own marriage issues, people. Then there's my friend Billy from work. He and I have been friends longer and I'm head over heels for him. Recently he went a little wild and it was like I didn't exist for a few weeks, although part of that is because he really was trying to contact me, but with a phone number I no longer have. During that misunderstanding in communication, I was hurt and upset with him. But now, I told friend last week, "Billy wants me to hang out again, lunch and river trips and stuff." Her response? "Oh crap tell him you have a girlfriend lol"

Um. . . I don't swing that way and I probably never will, all joking aside. Or I'll mention Billy sure is determined to say hi more often or try to come sit with us. "Well we can just chop his head off/shoot him/etc." Today I got a text saying "husband is an asshole I miss you" because she wanted him to get her clothes out of the closet for her after he'd worked all night and he refused. I dunno, it's just getting a little creepy, all the I miss you stuff and jokes about harming/killing her husband and Billy.

Just me or is this as weird as I think it is?

After spending time with her, I feel exhausted and a little like a babysitter. This afternoon I met Billy and his brother in town and he bought me lunch and gave me a big hug. It just seemed so incredibly refreshing and I felt upbeat and happy afterwards instead of "oh my god is lunch over yet?" Also Billy and his brother ha e never made me wait for five minutes before and after a meal so they could have a cig or finish the level on a game.

[ArcticChicken]

Just me or is this as weird as I think it is?

OK, yeah, that's weird.

It just seemed so incredibly refreshing and I felt upbeat and happy afterwards instead of "oh my god is lunch over yet?"

Why, pray tell, are you hanging out with her if she leaves you feeling so miserable? Yes, a decent human being will be there for their friends, but it doesn't last indefinitely. And it doesn't sound to me like, were your situations reversed, she'd be there for you. Which is kinda the definition of friendship. Sorry, not quite sure if that was coherent, short on sleep.

[ShinyGreenApple]

I've only just recently realized how exhausting it is, I guess it kind of snuck up on me without me realizing it, you know? And she was great when I was having a hard time with Billy but now that he's back in the picture she acts like he's shit on a shoe. She used to try and set us up together because she knew I liked him, but it seems like since she's mad at her husband and situation, she doesn't want me having a male friend, either. The boss has let us know that the few of us who do "buddy" lunches while working the same shift is ok, but can be irritating and we need to watch it, so that's a good way to get out of a lot of it right there. I for one don't want the boss telling me multiple times like a child, heh. I'll also start having more "inconvenient" errands to run. No one needs to know where I really go.

[Seshat]

One of the first things that comes to mind is a trait common to abusers and bullies: they loooove to separate you from your friends & family & so forth. From anyone who might give you support, and tell you that they're being mean to you.

[Jester]

I dunno, it's just getting a little creepy, all the I miss you stuff and jokes about harming/killing her husband and Billy.

Just me or is this as weird as I think it is?

It actually sounds like it's weirder than you think it is.

I mean, I'm all about being a little strange and making jokes about weird shit, but this woman sounds like she's bordering on obsessive, and she's definitely being quite possessive. As someone else pointed out, she is doing just what abusers and controllers do: trying to separate you from others, so all you know is her.

After spending time with her, I feel exhausted and a little like a babysitter. This afternoon I met Billy and his brother in town and he bought me lunch and gave me a big hug. It just seemed so incredibly refreshing and I felt upbeat and happy afterwards instead of "oh my god is lunch over yet?"

This should tell you a whole lot about the situation with you and her.

Also Billy and his brother ha e never made me wait for five minutes before and after a meal so they could have a cig or finish the level on a game.

Okay--while I am a non-smoker, I do recognize that smokers often feel the need for that cigarette after a meal. But honestly, if one of my friends made me wait several minutes before or after a meal while they played a fucking video game? OH, they'd hear about it, in spades. And to do this consistently? Oh, hell no.

The fact that you've allowed this to happen repeated tells me you are allowing her to walk all over you.

Stop that. Now.

And I don't mean stop hanging out with her so much. On the occasions you do hang out with her, take back your life, and don't let her be such a douchewaffle to you. Call her on her bullshit. Let her know when she does things that you find to be unacceptable. Draw the line in the sand, and let her know about it.

Otherwise, you have no reason to complain.

[ShinyGreenApple]

The only times I have to wait for the cig breaks is when we're using my truck; anyone can ride with me but I just appreciate it if they don't smoke in it. It's just gotten excessive as of late, with her and husband being down to one vehicle she needs rides a lot. But if I bother to leave early to help you out, you'd better be for dank sure ready when I get there. Not still getting dressed, not just having lit up a new one, and sure as hell not playing a game on your phone that you can't bear toll leave unfinished. Also when I clock out, I like to leave, espacially if I'm needing to be back in less than 12 hours for a ten hour shift.

If she's as jealous as I think she is, she might be pissed that I was out with Billy yesterday, and even more upset that I'm seeing Harry Porter with my Mom this afternoon, we were supposed to see it together but. . . Yeah my Mom comes first.

Oh well, I guess just thanks for letting me vent and slapping some common sense into me. Sometimes I've been known to overreact and O wanted to make sure I wasn't doing it again.

[Seshat]

It's just gotten excessive as of late, with her and husband being down to one vehicle she needs rides a lot.

So she can/should use buses, trains, taxis, and her own two feet; or she and her husband should plan to share the use of the car. It's not your job to be her private taxi service. It's not ANY friend's job to be someone's private taxi service!

If she's as jealous as I think she is, she might be pissed that I was out with Billy yesterday, and even more upset that I'm seeing Harry Porter with my Mom this afternoon, we were supposed to see it together but. . . Yeah my Mom comes first.

See 'bullies and abusers like to separate you from your friends and family'. This should be a giant red flag that she's mistreating you.

[morgana]

Apple, honey, this is not a friend. This is a leech. A creepy leech. Listen to the good advice you're being given, and seriously limit the time you spend with her.