Help with Trama Induced Fears

[Kisa]

About 2 years ago, I had a very tramatic experiance that still effects me to this day.

I was going to the dollar store to get tape and rubber bands for a school project I was working on. It was my senior year so I took mostly fun, artsy type classes. the dollar store is in the same plaza as Kroger, a clothing store, a hardware store, and a Salvation Army.

I went in and bought what I needed. As I was walking back to my car, a mid-sized dark blue minivan pulled up next to me, coasting to keep up with me. I looked to see the driver, a middle aged arabic man, grinning at me.

Him: Hey there beautiful! Where are you parked?
Me: Uh... Over that way.

I lied, of course. I was actually 5 spaces from my car, but I didn't want him catching my plate or following me home so I went right hoping he would keep straight. (I cut across the parking lot between cars so he couldn't follow.)

My plan failed. I realised when I saw him turn down the next row and come up next to me again.

Him: This way? I'll follow you gorgeous. What's your name?

I kept as calm as possible and walked quickly into the clothing store. I was so scared, I was shaking. He waited outside for me. I should have called the cops, but I didn't think of it at the time. I walked deeper into the store so he couldn't see me, but I could see him. He left, eventually, and I waited 5 or so minutes before leaving the safety of the store to go to my car.
Once locked into the safety of my vehicle, I broke down. I have a rule for myself. If I'm really scared or really angry, I let my emotions out for 10 seconds, then calm down and get myself out of the mess I'm in. That's exactly what I did. I broke down, crying, shaking, hugging myself, but only for 10 seconds. Then, I dried my eyes, pushed my hair back, took deep breaths and thought for a moment.
I decided to cruise up and down the nearby isles to look for his car, write the plate, and call the cops on his ass when I was safe at home. I quickly found a car that looked like his, but I couldn't fing anything to write on or with and I was too shook up to remember a plate number. So I called my dad. My voice was shaking a little...

Me: Daddy? (yes I call him Daddy)
Daddy: Kisa?
Me: Hi, Daddy. I need a favor.
Daddy: Are you ok.
Me: I need you to remember a number for me.
Daddy: What's going on?
Me: Tell you later. Just please. Remember FWS23T (not his real number) for me.
Daddy: Ok, but tell me whats wrong. Now.

I broke down. Hard. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I remember saying a guy followed me, I hid, I'm scared, help me, all while sobbing dramatically. Great, hiccuping wails that I once thought were strictly Hollywood created myths.
Daddy told me to stay in my car, lock the doors and to wait there because he would come get me. Daddy came quickly and brought an officer, who was patrolling the nearby streets, with him. I pointed out the car and the cop was running the plate while Daddy calmed me down when I see the guy walk out of Kroger with 3 small children in tow. I would have to estimate their ages to be 1, 3 and 6.
To this day, I don't know why, but I freaked out and hid behind my dad while screaming and pointing at the guy. Quick info on Daddy: He isn't perfect, but he is a very nice, loving, protective person. He loves his family and will do anything to keep them safe. I wan't surprised when Daddy gently pushed me into my sisters arms and walked across the isle to meet the guy. He didn't hit him, but he did yell. Daddy is 6'7", about 250lbs and can be VERY intimidating. He is a very strong man.

Daddy: Do you remember that girl?! *points to me*
Him: No! No! I don't know her!
Daddy: Well I call bullshit!
Him: I asked if I could have her parking space!!
Daddy: Oh really now?!! I thought you didn't remember her!!
Him: Please! Don't hurt me! I have kids see? *motions towards his children*
Daddy: Oh yeah?!! Well look what you did to my kid!!!
Him: Don't hurt me!
Daddy: I'm not gonna hit you! Scum like you aren't worth it!

At this point, the cop steps in and tells Daddy to step back. He runs his plate, gets the guys lisence and stuff. He had no warrants out for him and had no major arrests, so the cop let him go. Before walking away, the cop looked the him and said, "You are DAMN lucky I was here because if I wasn't, he woulda put you in the hospital; I'm SO temped to let him take a swing".
I couldn't drive because I was still very shook up, so Daddy drove my car while my (younger) sister drove his. I was very grateful, both for the cop and Daddy, but now I am unable to enter that parking lot without feeling incredibly paranoid and tense. People cannot come near me, men moreso, or else I freak out anf my fight or flight kicks in. I have been trying to get ovet this so I can buy bread by myself again

Any and all advice is welcomed. Please and thank you

[Eisa]

Honestly, have you ever considered counseling? That sounds really scary and unsettling--I'm glad you didn't end up with that guy!

I'm afraid of men, too. I haven't really figured out anything to help it. Sometimes if I'm scared of a place or just scared and feeling bad for a time, I carry a stuffed animal with me or something else comforting. Maybe that might help? Doing that or talking to someone you trust on the phone [or in person] while you walk around the outside edges of the parking lot?

[BroSCFischer]

Honestly, have you ever considered counseling?

Seriously, do this. You have every right to be paranoid, thanks to that creep, but since it's affecting your day-to-day life, seek counseling.

If you can't afford it, there may be programs through the state/county that offer medical assistance. If you attend any form of religious institution, many times a pastor/priest/rabbi/imam etc. can offer counseling. Depending on how rural an area you live in there maybe anonymous support groups as well.

Look into it!

SC

[Shpepper]

Also if you need it, there are places online that you can get help from. Google can be your friend.

[Seshat]

First: with the single exception of not callnig the police from the store you took refuge in, you acted correctly. Going back towards lights-and-people rather than to your car was SMART.

Take pride in that, every time you remember the incident. You did a good, smart thing. You think well in a crisis situation. You are a strong, brave, intelligent person.

Second: yes, you need professional assistance. Talk to your doctor, talk to Lifeline/Salvos/etc, talk to your religious advisor of choice, talk to victims-of-crime associations (the police are your link to those), talk to the state.

You MIGHT find that some people say 'nothing happened to you, what are you so afraid of?'. They're idiots. You are correctly afraid of what COULD have happened, and what COULD still happen.

However, that fear is ruling your life; ergo it is excessive. Counselling will help you get control of the fear and put it in its proper place.

ALSO: seek out self-defence/personal safety classes of the sort that teach situational awareness, and judging the safety/danger of your surroundings or of events. That sort of knowledge will give you the background information to tell your fear to go take a flying leap when you actually are safe - and to give you adrenalin to run back to lights-and-people when your situational awareness tells you to do that!

Hit up a library and read Gavin deBecker's book "the gift of fear". It's a situational awareness instruction manual. Not a substitute for a good class on the topic, but great for now.

[telecom_goddess]

I vote for therapy too....that's the best step you can take right now.

[TowelKing]

I honestly don't know how I(we) can help you overcome this, as it's extremely hard to "counsel" people over the internet. However, ooooooothere is some great advice posted before me.
I will tell you this though, from my experiences:
Overcoming it is one of the bst things you can do, but there's no 'overcoming frears' checklist; it's different for everybody. For you, it might simply be a matter of going to the parking lot a few times in the middle of the day, and walking around the lot.
Also, that man has no business having children of any age. He is going to imbue those actions on his offspring. This is far different than hoping SC's dont have kids; I actually wish CPS had been called and told what the father was doing, and that there was some sort of recourse for it.

[Kisa]

Take pride in that, every time you remember the incident. You did a good, smart thing. You think well in a crisis situation. You are a strong, brave, intelligent person.
ALSO: seek out self-defence/personal safety classes of the sort that teach situational awareness, and judging the safety/danger of your surroundings or of events.

Thank you for saying that. It really does mean a lot And I think self-defense classes sound like a great idea. I took one years ago but I'd like to learn more.

Doing that or talking to someone you trust on the phone [or in person] while you walk around the outside edges of the parking lot?

Lately, I've been dragging a friend whenever I have to go there and that calms me down a bit.

Also, that man has no business having children of any age. He is going to imbue those actions on his offspring. This is far different than hoping SC's dont have kids; I actually wish CPS had been called and told what the father was doing, and that there was some sort of recourse for it.

Funny you mentioned that, because when I got home, I wished I remembered his plate number so I could get his address and write a letter to his wife and warn her to keep the kids safe. After all, he was a jerk but the kids did nothing wrong.

[Dips]

Counseling.

I'm serious. That was a scary and dangerous situation which you handled very well.

But it is still interfering with your life two years later.

Talk to someone who has the training and expertise to help you get past it. You don't deserve to still be suffering from this. Do that for yourself.

We're all very nice people and trust me, we care. But we can't help you the way someone with professional training in helping trauma victims can help you.

[blas]

Kisa, I am so sorry this happened to you.

I totally understand why you reacted the way you did. I don't feel you did anything wrong, there's no need to second guess yourself because you can't always be mentally prepared for something like this to happen. You can run scenarios in your head and try to be prepared, but when it does happen, you don't always do the play by play you imagined.

A few years ago, I didn't have a car for a little over a month. I walked to the tanning salon every day that it wasn't too cold or raining, and to the store and whatnot.

Anyway, one day (it couldn't have been later than 9 am), I was walking back home, probably just blocks from home, and a car slowed waay down, a guy checked me up and down and all around, then went down the street and whipped a U-turn and parked on the street facing me and did not get out of his vehicle.

I assumed the worst, that he was waiting for me. I'm not sure if anyone is stupid enough to try to kidnap or assault someone like that in broad daylight, but I was so terrified that I ran in between the trees that used to block the backs of the buildings here so that he couldn't see where I went or which stairs I took.

Honestly, that was the scariest thing that's ever happend to me with unwanted male strangers.

There have been a couple of times I've decided to take a walk instead of go to the gym, and I've realized that's foolish because every time I try to walk, cars honk or slow way down or guys try to bother me. I am so petrified of that, that I will only walk on the track at the middle school down the street, or I will walk with a friend. I can't do it anymore. It's too scary.

[Seshat]

Blas,

I recommend counselling & self defence/situation awareness classes for you, too.