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Ugh, it's hard for me to even type this: everything in me says I need to just shut up and deal with it, but that's getting really tough to do. I'll try to explain as best as I can.
I had an incredibly enlightening experience a few years ago when I took a personality test. It stated that one of the difficulties my type has is in having good conversations, because we tend to rehearse conversations over and over in our heads but never actually have the conversation with the intended recipient. I almost shouted "you mean other people do it, too????" at the computer screen.
Unfortunately, as time goes by, this tendency gets worse. I feel like I talk to my friends about this maelstrom inside my head all the time, but I have a sneaking suspicion that I've hardly talked to them about it at all...I've only rehearsed the conversations a million times, trying to get the words right.
I've had to come to grips with the fact that I simply cannot be objective about this. I do not know how to know when I've talked too much, just right, or not enough. EVERYTHING feels like too much to me now. Even thinking about talking to people feels like too much.
This job (along with other stuff, including the simple fact of being bi-polar) has taken every shred of self-confidence that I'd fought for all these years. All of my current decisions are being made out of either fear or despair, and that's not good. I have difficulty falling asleep, and rarely sleep more than 5 1/2 hours at night. I often get a sense of despair so strong that it physically feels like I am drowning or like there is a noose around my neck. I've even found myself reaching up to my throat to try to loosen the knot, only to find nothing there.
It's taken me about an hour just to type this much, because everything in my head is pulling me away, saying it's not worth it, that I'm just making a big deal out of something that everyone goes through, that many of my friends have it worse than me and I shouldn't burden them. But I'm afraid that if I don't learn how to talk about these things soon, it will be too late.
So how do I do it? How do I learn how to talk? How do I know when I've said too much?
I just want to breathe again.
I had an incredibly enlightening experience a few years ago when I took a personality test. It stated that one of the difficulties my type has is in having good conversations, because we tend to rehearse conversations over and over in our heads but never actually have the conversation with the intended recipient. I almost shouted "you mean other people do it, too????" at the computer screen.
Unfortunately, as time goes by, this tendency gets worse. I feel like I talk to my friends about this maelstrom inside my head all the time, but I have a sneaking suspicion that I've hardly talked to them about it at all...I've only rehearsed the conversations a million times, trying to get the words right.
I've had to come to grips with the fact that I simply cannot be objective about this. I do not know how to know when I've talked too much, just right, or not enough. EVERYTHING feels like too much to me now. Even thinking about talking to people feels like too much.
This job (along with other stuff, including the simple fact of being bi-polar) has taken every shred of self-confidence that I'd fought for all these years. All of my current decisions are being made out of either fear or despair, and that's not good. I have difficulty falling asleep, and rarely sleep more than 5 1/2 hours at night. I often get a sense of despair so strong that it physically feels like I am drowning or like there is a noose around my neck. I've even found myself reaching up to my throat to try to loosen the knot, only to find nothing there.
It's taken me about an hour just to type this much, because everything in my head is pulling me away, saying it's not worth it, that I'm just making a big deal out of something that everyone goes through, that many of my friends have it worse than me and I shouldn't burden them. But I'm afraid that if I don't learn how to talk about these things soon, it will be too late.
So how do I do it? How do I learn how to talk? How do I know when I've said too much?
I just want to breathe again.
Assuming our situations are the same, or at least similar, your conversastions won't bother anyone nearly as much as you imagine. I will plan out entire conversations only to have them eat away at me. I wind up thinking it's dumb or it will upset someone, but when I really do tell them:
Your gut is probably right, and just because others have it worse than you doesn't mean you should still suffer. You aren't happy. You have the power to find happiness, no one else can find it for you. 
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