HELP!! Need to convince parents bf insn't a rapist...

[Kisa]

Those who read my "Happy News" post know that I now have a bf. For those who haven't read it, I am now dating TowelKing and am very happy. However, there is one issue that keeps popping up. My parents refuse to see around the stigmata placed on metting people online and keep going through the list of bad people you can encounter:

He Could Be:

-a rapist
-a pedophile
-a pervert looking to get young girls to strip via webcam
-a cheater with 5 internet girlfriends
-a cheater with internet girls and "real" girls
-a 40-year-old creeper who stalks girls online
-an axe murderer who has his sights set on me
-a liar who is feeding me a bunch of them to get me to trust him
-not "real" himself

Yes, i know the dangers of the internet and I'm careful. I don't post my address on websites and say "HEY WEIRDOS! COME GET ME"!
For the record, I have called, texted, PMed, and skyped with him. I guarantee it's the same guy because his voice and picture matches the voice and face on the webcam. He looks nowhere NEAR 40, texts me damn near every minute of every day (no time to cheat), hasn't once asked to see me naked, and doesn't seem the type to have a criminal record as thick as a dictionary.

I don't know how to get them to see that he's just a regular guy and that not all people on the internet are bad. I mean, I'm on the internet and I'm talking to him. I have NO record whatsoever, I have never cheated, and I'm a real girl with a birth certificate and everything. Somehow, I'm real but he isn't even though we are both in the same position. I understand why they are being cautious because there are pople like that out there, but I want them to accept him. Yes, I am legally an adult capable of making my own choices. I could easily tell them to deal with it and fly to visit him, but I live in their house, they pay bills, feed me, wash my clothes, etc and I'd rather keep them happy.

I really need ideas of how to show them he is a real person and that he doesn't want to hurt me; he wants to date me. I don't expect them to trust him enough to ship me to his house for a month, I just want them to trust him enough to be happy with me dating him. I keep getting the "well, you two are penpals but it won't last forever" thing and it hurts to hear it.

Ideas?

[Aethian]

Road trip?

[Amusement Gal]

Ah...welcome to my (previous) world. Don't suggest that you do what I did. I knew it was going to blow up and explode into fiery death and shaming if I mentioned that I was dating someone online, so I fibbed about it. Not like, "Oh, he's just working a lot. He's a neighbor.", but "Well, my friend knows a friend of a friend and we started liking each other and traded emails.", which is somehow different. I'm pretty sure my dad saw through it, but as long as he didn't freak out or cut my computer cord, I was happy.

The only way it got them to shut up about some of their doubts, though, was for him to visit. He wasn't a crackly voice over a mic, or a static image; he was Boyfriend who came into town. And it then became easier just by that one visit. So I would definitely try to arrange a meeting with him sometime. Make it seem like a coincidence/visiting family or some other reason if you truly think that some nasty hijinks will happen. Hell, try some local event if you want to make it extra convincing.

This is coming from a very similar straight-laced girl who didn't want to get Boyfriend shot. By that point, I had already talked to and seen his mother on webcam. Really hard to fake that. Be sure, be confident, and play it super-safe in front of your parents if/when he does visit. At least the first time. It will prevent gun-polishing, and give them the confidence that you will be perfectly fine with him.

Just remember: don't lie if you don't have to. It makes it a hell of a lot more awkward once you've walked around the whole thing. I still get that a lot.

[Soulstealer]

Honestly if you're over 18 it's a moot point. They have a right to be concerned about anyone you date but they're not the ones in the relationship. If it ever gets to the meet the parents phase they'll find out anyway but until then just let it progress naturally.

[csquared]

Your parents are going to have to meet TowelKing in person. He should also meet them before he meets you in person. That will show respect for your parents.

[Eisa]

Darling, honestly I'd just ignore them. My parents were a bit worried [although my boyfriend was 41 when we started talking Not a creeper, however.]

Perhaps a gentle sit-down of how you're being careful and slip in the fact that you are an adult and it is your life?

I don't really know, I'm sorry.

[Kogarashi]

Put me in the "have him meet your parents" camp (TowelKing, how feasible is that?). That's probably the best way to alleviate their fears. It may not work for everything, but it'll certainly knock off half that list having a real, physical person there for them to get to know.

If TK visiting isn't so easy right away, might I suggest having your parents webcam-Skype with him? Having him on video chat should also knock off a few items from their protest list (the "not real," "40-year-old creeper" etc. items), while letting them get to know him a bit.

In the long run, though, you're a legal adult and can make your own decisions. I wouldn't want to burn any bridges, though, so I'd try for the other options first.

[Kisa]

Be sure, be confident, and play it super-safe in front of your parents if/when he does visit. At least the first time. It will prevent gun-polishing, and give them the confidence that you will be perfectly fine with him.

Just remember: don't lie if you don't have to. It makes it a hell of a lot more awkward once you've walked around the whole thing. I still get that a lot.

So far, I've told my mom all about him only excluding the part about us dating. I want her to be ok with him as a person first. Daddy knows I'm talking to a Canadian friend online. So, no lies. Just witheld information..... I'm taking baby steps

In the long run, though, you're a legal adult and can make your own decisions. I wouldn't want to burn any bridges, though, so I'd try for the other options first.

We may get a chance to meet soon in less-than-ideal circumstances. (a funeral may bring me to his area...) That's my plan I want to try to get them to accept him first. If that doesn't work, I'll have to date him anyway. He's a wonderful person and I honestly haven't found any flaws yet. I don't want to lose this chance with him.

[iradney]

TTO and I met on the internet - we're now married
Meeting the parents is definitely a good idea. My aunt lived in the same state as TTO, so when I went to meet him IRL for the first time, she met us to vet him. Her report back was very favourable.

[ShadowBall]

Sounds like you're going about it in the right manner as far as breaking the ice. I know a lot of people are iffy about meeting anyone online because OMG everybody iz a homicidal perv!

I don't think I can offer too much advice because my mother is a nutjob and I cannot tell her things normal people could tell their normal and semi-normal parents. Hell, I never officially came out and said I was ever dating anyone, so she still calls my BF my "friend" after I've been with him for over six years. But if I make a new male friend, she'll tell me I can't have "two boyfriends"...makes no sense. I digress.

And she'd probably have a good, long bitch fit if she found out I have a male penpal who is twice my age (who I would like to meet one day). Since the cat's already out of the bag in your case, though, just taking it slow will be best. Basically what you're already doing. If he does meet them in person, tell him to definitely be prepared to get grilled every which way by them because your parents will likely try and make him admit he's done something deviant in his life so they can prove to you he's "no good."

[telecom_goddess]

Ok a couple of points....

Not to be nitpicky but I think you meant stigma not stigmata

And speaking from the perspective of a mom with an 18 year and a 21 year old, one of whom is still living at home....and paying the household bills with no help, they have some say in what goes on in their home and who comes into it. They can't tell you who to talk to or have a relationship with but they can be concerned....and while *I* trust TowelKing I can see why they don't yet. If he meets them at the same time I think it would be better.

And lastly...why the hell aren't you doing your own laundry?

[Moirae]

I met my husband online in 1999. Honestly? You don't convince them that he isn't a danger. It will never work. After 12 years, and meeting him many times, plus all the problems that have happened over the years (my mothers death, hurricane katrina for him, job losses, and my car accident that nearly resulted in me being paralyzed plus more), my family knows he won't harm me in any way.

Only time and his behavior will show them the truth. And so will yours. If you cheat on him or something and they find out, they will take it as proof that in your heart you know he's bad for you so you're looking for an alternative.

Before my mom died, she gave us her blessing. It was one of the last things she said to me. And it means so much that she did. My dad... well I could care less really.

[TowelKing]

Well her mom is slowly warming up to the idea. She knows that we like eachother and seems to be okay with it.
I have her on facebook (LOL!), and had a brief (albeit quite direct) conversation, and she *seems* to like me. I'm going to try and skype with her next week when she's off, so that we can 'actually' meet each other.
As for visiting: the less-than-ideal circumstances have passed (yay!), and I am working on getting down there to visit, but with not having a job right now and not even having enough to pay for my truck this month, I can't afford it I needs a job soon lol.
Of course now that we can skype with my phone, and I get Internet back on Saturday, I can look at selling my laptop.

Anybody want to buy a <1-year old Alienware laptop?

[hornet95]

$200 for you to take the Old Grey Dog and stay two nights at the Econo-mic Lodge nearby and then meet her parents might help. If she could cook for you, it would be the equivalent of 4 nice dates. Just saying...

[TowelKing]

Really?! $200 that's it? Damn.