HELP!! Need to convince parents bf insn't a rapist...

[Eisa]

When I visited my bf, [trip from Idaho to Maryland], the trip was $216 round-trip. To get that kind of deal, however, you have to reserve it REALLY far in advance. But if you do that...yeah, I bet it's definitely doable.

[TowelKing]

Haha. Well I just checked and they quoted me $500...so for a little extra I might as well fly and not waste an extra 4 days

[Eisa]

-checks your location- Well, if you're in Canada, I can see how it would be a little more...

[TowelKing]

Woo! $230! I just have to book 21 days in advance.

[Eisa]

Yay! That's awesome.

Yep, you have to book REALLY far in advance, but it nets you an awesome deal.

[Jester]

I am the one who usually plays the Devil's Advocate and takes the other side, because sometimes that is the best way to get someone to see what they are facing.

Note to TowelKing: Nothing I'm about to say is meant as a personal insult or even a characterization of you. I don't know you from Adam, and I'm sure you're a hell of a guy (you have great taste in websites, obviously!), but I'm going to have to ask a lot of "what if...?" and "what about...?" questions that some people might take to mean I am ripping you. I'm not, but I have to float the possibilities.

So, Kisa, you want your parents to take you seriously about your new boyfriend that they have never met that lives a good distance (hundreds of miles? thousands of miles?) away from you. Your boyfriend that even you have not met in person yet. It is not always easy to see the issues parents may have with a situation like this when you are the child in question, so you may have to look at it from an outsider's perspective.

First of all, is there a significant age difference? This is something that will cause some eyebrows to raise. Sometimes for good reason, sometimes not. I did not see either of your ages listed, so that is something I am wondering about.

Also, as you yourself state, you have not yet meant him face to face. For all you know, their worst fears could, in fact, come to pass. After all, as Wednesday Adams so aptly put it, homicidal maniacs look just like everyone else. The most successful (and dangerous) serial killers were, historically, seen as normal people by their friends, family, acquaintances, and neighbors. People like Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy, Gary Leon Ridgway (the Green River Killer), Denis Rader (the BTK killer), and John Robinson (the first known internet serial killer). Very few serial killers were like Richard Ramirez (the Night Stalker), who seemed clearly deranged and dangerous to most who met him. And that's just serial killers. We're not even talking about potential rapists, pedophiles, and abusive boyfriends, who also exist out there, and who also make use of the internet. These are definitely things to keep in mind, and it's clear your parents are doing just that. After all, "I've talked to him on the phone, he's just fine" is not quite as convincing or settling to parents as "I've met him several times for coffee, he's just fine."

Okay, forget the whole danger aspect for just a moment. As you only know this guy online, while he may not be lying to you about his age or appearance, there is still the chance that he is lying to you about a myriad of other things. Since you don't live where he lives, it's not like you can check up on a lot of it. Again, something your parents, who I assume want only the best for their girl, are going to worry about. We often joke about "puppy killers" in here, but there really are people out there who do just that sort of heinous behavior....and no one knows about it for a long time, or sometimes ever. (Hello, Michael Vick.)

Your parents are worried about their daughter, and if they weren't, they wouldn't be good parents. They likely come from a generation where the internet was not as pervasive, and for people like that, it may be tough to accept the new social media and ways to meet people.

So how do you get them to accept him? It's been said before, and it will be said again: until they meet him themselves (and probably on numerous occasions), you can't. Some things really have to be done the old-fashioned way. Frankly, I don't think that that's always a bad thing.

Honestly if you're over 18 it's a moot point.

No, it's not a moot point. And here's why:

I live in their house, they pay bills, feed me, wash my clothes, etc

While legally she is an adult, she is, by her own words, living in their house, not paying rent, not paying bills, and being pretty much a dependent on them, in every way but legally living as their child. Now, it might be different if she was renting a room from them, throwing in for her share of the bills, doing her laundry, paying for her food, or at least for her portion of the food, but it seems she is doing none of these. As such, the whole "our house, our rules" idea really does apply.

I mean, if I was footing all the bills for my child, I don't think it's at all too much to ask that I be allowed to have some say so in their lives. This is, of course, why I have been on my own since just before my 18th birthday, other than the six months my employment situation forced me to live with my parents. But even then, I was not totally dependent on them.

Look, Kisa and everyone else: if you are going to be in a position, voluntarily or due to circumstances, where you are a dependent of your parents, and they are footing your bills, you have to accept that that comes with a price. Everything comes with a price of some sort.

Even free rides aren't free rides.

[Kisa]

First of all, is there a significant age difference? This is something that will cause some eyebrows to raise. Sometimes for good reason, sometimes not. I did not see either of your ages listed, so that is something I am wondering about.

I am turning 19 in a few months and he is 21. So, there is an age difference but not a large one. My own parents are further apart in age.

[Moirae]

I think I owe this topic a much larger post.

Kisa, if I had been 18 years old when I first met my husband online, my mother would have totally pitched a screaming fit and she would never lay off me about it. At the time I'd have been livid. Now that I'm 35, I can understand why.

Try to think about this logically for a second...

1. You are only 18. That may be legally an adult but there's a world of difference between you and him.

2. You've likely only been out of school maybe a year. That means you don't have much life experience yet to spot "bad people". I know, I hated when people pointed that out to me when I was your age because I thought they were full of crap. Now that I'm 35, I see things differently.

3. Do you even have a full time job? You have already said you don't pay bills, don't pay rent, and are pretty much totally dependent on them. That means you don't know what its like to live on your own and make your own real judgments on your life. Things are much different once you no longer live with your parents, and you are forced to grow up really fast.

4. You have never even met him. You don't even know if any pictures he's shown you are actually real because you've never seen him face to face.

5. Do you talk to him every single day on the phone for hours on end? Have you learned the nuances of his voice that tell you when he's lying, there's something wrong, or when he's happy? If not, you don't know him very well. It took me years to learn that stuff from my husband. When we met on the net, we didn't meet face to face for three years, and by that point I had been talking to him every single day for hours at a time on the phone. I knew everything about him just by the inflection of his voice.

This is something I know a heck of alot about. I did it.

So here's my story with my husband, its long but it may explain some things.

We both play a game called Vampire the Masquerade, the pen and paper version with dice, not the computer game. Years ago, the creators of the game had their own chat site where you could create a character and log in to role play vampires using the game rules. It was extremely popular and this is widely considered one of the best game systems in the world even to this day.

We met on that chat site. We hit it off immediately but it wasn't like that. We were good friends almost the moment we met. He was alot of fun, and made me laugh, but I was with someone else at the time so the thought didn't even cross my mind.

We played the game together nearly every night, but only over chat.

The first time we talked over the phone was about a year and a half after we first met on the chat. We didn't talk on the phone again for another six months though we talked on the chats every night.

By that time, the relationship I was in was failing pretty badly. And yes, I admit that I was becoming very attracted to him in more than a friend way.

Another year and a half passed, and my ex and I separated. I was very frightened of my ex. He used to do things like pick me up and throw me on the bed or the couch and punch holes in the walls when he was mad. He once told my stepdad "its better than punching her in the face isn't it?".

I finally had enough and I left. But to escape what I thought would end up with me dead, I left Canada for six months and met up with a bunch of friends I had known for years over the chat. To this day, I don't regret this one tiny bit. They didn't ask or demand anything of me, just helped me escape. I traveled the US. I've been to 24 of the states, and find them all fascinating. Its a truly beautiful country with each state being very different from the others. I had alot of time to just do things like sit on the porch, look at the stars and think about what I wanted.

But, as with all things, it must come to an end. I was nearing the end of the legally allowed vacation time limit in the US at that time, so it was almost time to come back to Canada and face the music. But I couldn't leave yet. Over that time period, he and I were talking on the phone 8, 10, and even 16 hours a day every single day. We had grown quite attached to each other, and I knew I was in love with him. He had this amazing phone plan that allowed him to call anywhere in the country for free for any length of time even though it was an expensive plan.

So, before I left the US, I came to New Orleans for two weeks. I got off that bus, looked him in the eyes and it was like lightning struck. I never believed in love at first sight before then but I knew, I just knew, he was the one. I leaped into his arms and kissed him. We have been together ever since.

Thats not to say it was easy. We almost broke up a year and a half later because the distance is just.. heart wrenchingly painful. It costs soooo much money to travel back and forth and for phone cards. I only got to see him once during that time for two weeks. Imagine how hard that is. You love each other soooo much but you can't see each other. And back then, webcams were very expensive and the images weren't very good so we hadn't started using that yet.

Think about this very carefully. You can't date because you aren't in the same place. It costs thousands of dollars each and every time you want to see each other. It is NOT an easy thing to do. And, when you DO see and are able to touch each other, its only for a couple of weeks at a time. We went a year and a half without seeing each other once. Its emotionally draining.

But, I can say one thing, it takes many years but eventually it just becomes the way it is. It still sucks, but if you love each other enough, you can do it.

We eventually settled down to a routine. Every single night, we'd be on the phone with each other for at least an hour. Very occasionally, we'd call and say "not tonight" but it happened maybe once every 6 months. Even if we barely said a word to each other for that hour we'd still be on the phone watching tv, playing computer games, or whatever. Why would we do this? Well, you need to talk to each other. You can't touch each other, so you learn other ways of communication. By talking. My stepdad once told me while my husband and I were still dating that we had better communication than people that had been married 40 years.

That does not mean this has been easy. We've only been married 5 years (had our anniversary in June). We tried three times to plan it and each time something would happen that wiped out all the time and money spent. Eventually, we just decided that we would have a small wedding in Canada in a park. There was maybe 15 people in attendance. I wore pants and a lacey shirt. He wore a mandarin collar suit he already owned. I carried a single beautiful pink flower from my grandmothers garden. My younger sister was my matron of honor and my stepdad was his best man. My husbands family couldn't be there so we had a small renewal ceremony with his father presiding after the paperwork was done and I moved to the US.

In all these years we've been together, we've been apart for an awful lot of important events. My mothers death from cancer. His aunts death in a car crash. Hurricane Katrina for him. Imagine that if you can. Think about it. He lost everything. And I was 2000 miles away and unable to help. I was barely making any money so I couldn't give him any. And I couldn't hold him when he was upset on the phone with me. Men like to pretend they are big and strong, but even for them sometimes things are too much. I'd have given anything to be able to hug him during that time, anything. The people in New Orleans lost more than just things. Then I was hit by a car crossing the street in 2004. He borrowed money from everyone he knew and spent a week in Canada by my side holding my hand but then he had to go back home. I was lucky to be alive, and I couldn't walk for a year. Most of memories were gone, and I'm glad I remembered him and my family. I only remembered my childhood about three months ago and the doctors weren't sure it would ever come back. This incident is what cemented my love for him. There was no more doubt in my mind that this is the man for me because he was willing to sacrifice and he didn't run away. He would have stayed by my side even if I was permanently paralyzed because he loves me that much. And I voluntarily left everything I know and love to be by his side. Leaving Canada was NOT easy by any means, and sometimes things in the US drive me batty.

So can you really blame your parents for not trusting your boyfriend? You are very young. And he hasn't had a reason to prove to them that he's worth it. Nothing you say or do will EVER convince your parents he's the right one for you, or that he isn't crazy.

What HE (your guy) does will. Over time, and good judgement.

The great love of my life has stood by my side through thick and thin, and I know he will continue to do so because we have been through hell and back together and apart. He is a very good man and my life wouldn't be life without him in it. We love each other. And I can't imagine it ever changing. I love him. I well and truly do. But its work, its not easy, and it never has been or will be.

There's a reason that I post so often about my frustration with my schedule on here. Because I came here for HIM. Because I love him. I left everything I care about most in the world to be with him. And we have sacrificed and sacrificed to make it happen. Now that I am finally with him, it ticks us both off big time if some stupid job wants to keep us apart. Our story is one for the romance novels, but its not an easy or simple story to live but I swear to you and everyone on here, each every word I have written here is the total and utter truth.

I tell you all this because you need to be ready for what you are heading for. Think about it. Really think about it. I think you will understand where your parents are coming from.

And just to add to this.. what Maggie said is right. It is no simple thing to immigrate. Not only does it cost money, it costs time. It took me a year and a half to immigrate, and we could only do it once we were married. I had to go to a different province and stay in a hotel for an undetermined amount of time to meet with immigration, have the interview, and give them time to make their decision so I had to save up alot of money before I did it. I was lucky in that it only took a week. Then I left everything behind, and it takes six months before the US gvt will consider you for a work permit, so I spent an awful lot of time alone in a city during the summer where the temperature is simply torture for those of us used to colder temperatures. Going anywhere was pretty much out of the question because I didn't know where to go to find anything like bus routes and stuff, though its gotten a bit better for me since. It was a year before I could apply for my green card. Incidentally, keep EVERY email, gift card, or anything you receive or send between each other. If you do last, you will need it as proof of your relationship or you will be denied admittance.

I'm up for citizenship next year and yes I will be applying. I want the ability to vote. I consider it a persons duty. I always voted back home, and I want to be able to have my voice heard here.

[MaggieTheCat]

Jester and Moirae both have a lot of good points. I also want to agree with whoever said, "Why aren't you doing your own laundry?" You need to become independent. Even if you can't move out and get your own place, you need to become as independent as you can. Do your own laundry, feed yourself, clean up after yourself, start paying your own bills for your car, etc.

When I was your age and even older, up till I was about 21 or 22, I was living with my parents. They abhorred the idea of me moving out on my own, and their biggest excuse for it was because I "wouldn't make it." I didn't have the "life skills" to live on my own. Just as an example, my mother would say, "You don't even know how to do your own laundry!" This is true, because she would take my laundry and do it for me when I wasn't home. I'd tell her to leave it, she wouldn't. She wouldn't LET me learn how to do my own laundry, and then hang it over my head and use it as an excuse for why I shouldn't move out yet.

You know what? You learn shit like that when you have to, whether you know how to do it already or not. When I finally did get out on my own, I had no clue how to do laundry, but I figured it out. Same with cooking, cleaning, washing dishes, etc.

My point is, start doing some of these things already, before you move out, so you can prove to them that you are growing up and maturing and that you're ready to get out on your own. Maybe they won't hassle you over it like my parents did, but even if they don't, these are things you need to start doing eventually so you may as well learn them sooner rather than later.

Now, as far as the boyfriend thing goes, it sounds like you have some things stacked against you. The fact that he lives in Canada and you in the U.S. -- immigrating from Canada to the U.S. is no small task by any means. I'm sure Moirae or anyone else here who has done it can attest to that. I had a Canadian boyfriend for a while, and just trying to figure out where to start made me cringe.

The fact that TowelKing doesn't have a job. I mean no disrespect, I know the economy is crap and that it's hard to get a job, but a parent is going to look at that and say, "He's a bum, he can't hold on to a job, he just wants to use our daughter to leech off of her and get a free ride!" This is exactly what happened with my last boyfriend. He also hadn't gone to school, didn't have his driver's license, and was living with his parents, when he was 24. This did not look good to a parent. If TowelKing has any of those things -- an education, his own place, etc. -- emphasize them to your parents since it will give them more confidence in him.

He should definitely be the one to come see you the first time you guys meet, so that your parents can meet him and get to know him.

I should add, I didn't say all of this to discourage you. My husband and I met online, although we did both live in the States so we at least didn't have to deal with immigration issues, but we did live across the country and Moirae's comment that it's very difficult and emotionally draining to have a LD relationship is absolutely correct. But you are both very young and you sort of remind me of me and my last boyfriend (the Canadian who my parents didn't approve of) so I see a lot of myself in the OP, and these were some of the obstacles I ran into with my parents when I was with him. Take it slow, try not to lie to your parents (it doesn't help, honestly), and work on getting out on your own.

[Seshat]

Take it slow, try not to lie to your parents (it doesn't help, honestly), and work on getting out on your own.

And while you're working on it, pay rent, pay 1/<size of family> of utilities (electrical, water, gas, phone, net etc), pay your share of the food, do your own laundry or one share of the laundry loads (if you're learning, try doing the towels and sheets load), take one room of the house as well as your own, and just take over keeping it thoroughly clean and tidy (bathroom or kitchen are excellent practice), take the rubbish out, do family meals every so often.

Do your own clothes-mending or take them to a repairer. (I vote for learning to mend them yourself, but that's me.) If you're in the States, you probably can't take over your own medical insurance, but pay your parents your share of the premium. Ditto for your share of the premium of house/contents insurance.

Basically, go to any detailed budget site online, and you'll see what an adult has to either pay for, or choose to live without.

As for housework: there's also housework-advice sites online. Use those to determine what an equal share of the housework is, and start doing it.

This will SHOW your parents that you're trying to be an adult. It will also turn you into an EXCELLENT roomie for when you do move out - and will be good practice for when you and TowelKing do manage to be living together.

If your parents resist you paying them rent/premiums/utilities, open a bank account and put that money into the bank account. You would be living without it if you weren't at home; so living without it now is good practice. And it'll make a VERY useful savings buffer later.


(Edit: Fratch fratching fratchitty fratch over parents who don't teach their children housework, basic repair skills, basic budgetting and money handling....)

[iradney]

The second I got a job (at 16) my parents sat me down and we agreed on a set amount for rent. (I got that money back when I moved out for furniture, but I didn't know about that at the time). I also had to pay my own phone bills, and I got a prepaid phone when I was 19 - and this was over and above the chores I already did.

As mentioned, I met TTO on the internet. Granted, I was 24 at the time, and not living with my parents. But they still had many doubts and worries. And why shouldn't they? I'm their only daughter, and for all they knew, TTO was a serial killer/con artist/organ harvester.

We did the long distance thing for 6 months (and it sucked), but it does teach you great communication skills. And also how to budget for plane tickets and phone bills.

Before I could move to his state, my parents had to meet him face to face. Once they did (we spent the weekend at their house) they were relieved to see he was a normal guy. Face time is very important - for your relationship and for easing your parents' fears.

If you're turning 19 this year, I strongly recommend developing a few life skills, like budgeting, doing some chores around the house, etc. Offer some rent to your parents - little things like that help them realise that while you're young, you're not an irresponsible child.

[Kisa]

2. You've likely only been out of school maybe a year. Do you even have a full time job? I tell you all this because you need to be ready for what you are heading for. Think about it. Really think about it. I think you will understand where your parents are coming from.

I have been out of school for 2 years now (I graduated early ) and have had a full time job for a year and a half. I understand where they are coming from and I can see why they are being cautious. I only wish they would be a bit more open minded about this and see that, although her could be a rapist/pervert/stalker, he could be a great guy.

Jester and Moirae both have a lot of good points. I also want to agree with whoever said, "Why aren't you doing your own laundry?"

My mom is like your mom She comes into my room and collects my clothes.

And while you're working on it, pay rent, pay 1/<size of family> of utilities (electrical, water, gas, phone, net etc), pay your share of the food, do your own laundry or one share of the laundry loads (if you're learning, try doing the towels and sheets load), take one room of the house as well as your own, and just take over keeping it thoroughly clean and tidy (bathroom or kitchen are excellent practice), take the rubbish out, do family meals every so often.

Right now, I buy most of my food (from my work ), I clean my room regularly, cook when I'm actually home for a meal and fix my own things. I have a college checking account that I put my checks into for my car (repairs, gas and insurance) and for college which I am currently saving for. I have chores which I do such as vacuuming, taking out the trash, cleaning rooms, doing dishes, and the like. I will start paying rent after I finish school because right now, I'm struggling to scrape together enough money to go even. I hope this doesn't come off as naive, but I do think I am fairly independant. I can cook, clean, I know how to shop for groceries and do laundry, I can do simple home repairs, I pay my own car insurance, buy my own clothes and gas and am learning how to budget my money. However, I also realize I am not independant and do rely on my parents for some things. They pay all the utilities and the morgage, they buy the food, do my laundry and I am under my mom's insurance. I am grateful for this because it allows me to save up for college ($48,000 in total needed).

[Moirae]

Kisa, I hope you didn't think I was being rude. If I was, it wasn't intentional. I just wanted you to know the gravity of this decision. There's more at stake here than just your parents. Most people can't handle it.

[hornet95]

I wasn't thinking you guys were THAT serious. I mean, I know we all WANT our relationships to be the future spouse, but consider WHERE you are at in the relationship. Sounds like you guys are just getting to know each other, in the early (first 3 months) phase of the relationship. Cloud Nine is fun, but it's not forever.

The next logical stage in the relationship is to actually meet. Your parents should keep an open mind, but so should the two of you. I've been there, had my mind made up that we were going to make it, and it ultimately did not work out. Keep that in mind when you meet and don't be afraid to admit that it isn't as nice as you wanted; it may be, it may not be.

Kisa, if you have a guy-friend that's a bit older and out on his own that knows TK and would let him stay a few nights, this would help on the costs. Also, if TK lives near the US border and can get someone to drive him across and then grab a bus/train/plane ticket, that might also reduce the cost.

Just some thoughts.

[Jester]

I am turning 19 in a few months and he is 21. So, there is an age difference but not a large one.

This is a negligible age difference. I don't think that there really need be more discussion on this. Other than the ability to get into American bars, they are, for all intents and purposes, the same age.

So here's my story with my husband

This story actually brought me to tears, something almost no other post on this or any other site has. Just thought I should let you know that. (And this is a positive thing, by the way.)

You've likely only been out of school maybe a year. That means you don't have much life experience yet to spot "bad people". I know, I hated when people pointed that out to me when I was your age because I thought they were full of crap. Now that I'm 35, I see things differently.

The problem with this is that, even when we point this out, the younger folk won't see the wisdom we are offering, because they do not have the life experience basis to fully understand it. It's like trying to explain colors to a blind person...they just don't have the knowledge to understand what you are saying. Just as you and I didn't get at 19 what we get now.

....if you love each other enough, you can do it.

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Not every long distance love-filled romance story comes to the conclusion yours did. I know that all too well.

Men like to pretend they are big and strong, but even for them sometimes things are too much. I'd have given anything to be able to hug him during that time, anything.

I'd give anything to hold my ex-fiance in my arms again. I admit that freely, even if I don't scream it from the mountain tops.

Nothing you say or do will EVER convince your parents he's the right one for you, or that he isn't crazy.

What HE (your guy) does will.

Quote for truth. Read those words again. And then again. And again, and again, and again. They speak The Truth.

I want to be able to have my voice heard here.

Trust me when I tell you that you have been heard here. And I don't mean politically. But you have most certainly been heard.

You know what? You learn shit like that when you have to, whether you know how to do it already or not.

Quoted for truth, as witnessed by my own family. My mother, when she married my father in 1957 (not a typo) didn't know how to boil water. Literally. She went about learning how to cook, and is a far better cook than a lot of people I know, a far better cook that my older sister (admittedly a ridiculously talented cook herself) will ever give her credit for, and without question a far, far better cook than she gives herself credit for. Hell, she had to learn how to totally change her cooking style when my stepfather had bypass surgery and his doctors completely altered his dietary allowance.

I only wish they would be a bit more open minded about this and see that, although her could be a rapist/pervert/stalker, he could be a great guy.

To understand their viewpoint, reverse this line of thinking. While he could be a great guy, he could also be a rapist, a pervert, or a stalker.

Think about that.

I hope this doesn't come off as naive, but I do think I am fairly independant.

It doesn't come off as naive, it IS naive. Because, to be brutally honest, you are not at all independent. Sorry, but that just isn't the case. You are probably more prepared to be independent than a lot of other people in your generation or your situation, but you are not in actuality independent.

I can cook, clean, I know how to shop for groceries and do laundry, I can do simple home repairs, I pay my own car insurance, buy my own clothes and gas and am learning how to budget my money..

The ability to do something and the knowledge of how to do something are very, very different from having to do those things. In theory, I know CPR, but if someone collapsed in front of me and needed it, I doubt very highly that I would be able to help save their life. I know how to dunk a basketball, but am physically incapable of it, and if someone put a gun to my head and told me I had to do it to save my life, I would end up with a bullet in my brain.

I know how to write, but I am not a published author. There is a huge difference between the knowledge and the act.

Know that.