Argh!

[Kanalah]

So I passed my summer class, got an A even. Apparently this showed hubby that I can handle school/work/housekeeping/kids no problem.

Which he was forgetting that a.I only had one class over the summer, and b. technically it was a high school class.

This semester I am taking 2 classes, both of which I've found out are two of the hardest freshman level classes.

I know I really shouldn't complain because I already have 13 credits from HS/previous college. So I only need to take 2 classes this semester and 2 classes next semester.

However, I have a business to run. If I don't make enough quilts to stock my booth for really big craft show, I'll be kicked out. I really don't want that to happen since I like doing the show/need the money. Plus the other shows I do and custom orders.

And I still have to do all the cooking and cleaning. I don't have enough time in the day to get everything done. Sometimes the laundry doesn't get folded right out of the dryer and then hubby complains about it. He's even told me that he wants to start taking his lunch to wrok, but he doesn't have time in the mornings to do it, so he'd like me to get up at 5am and pack his lunch.

Anytime I talk to him about getting some help around the house he chimes in that "I don't come to his office and help him do his job." and that I should drop the quilting because "it's only a hobby." Well it may be just a hobby to him, but it's a business and extra income to me. I've been selling quilts for almost 10 years now and made more then 250.

He does take care of the kids while I'm in class, but I don't think he understands the schoolwork that needs to be done out of class. Some days all I have time for is taking care of the kids and doing schoolwork, then after dinner I work on quilts until I pass out.

I know once I finish my pre-requisites and get into the Vet program I'm going to have at least 4 classes with labs each semester and be at school all day. I don't know how hubby is going to handle that. He's talked about getting a housekeeper, but we can't afford it/I don't like strangers in my house while I'm not home.

At least one good thing is that I'm too busy to be depressed.

Any well wishes/advice/sympathy would be welcomed.

[Gerrinson]

I think you and hubby need to have a serious sit down talk about how things need to change.

Perhaps take a week or two and create a 'task list' with time spent on each task. Then he can't ignore the amount of time spent on each task.

A job is a job, even if you are your own boss and you don't drive to an office every day.

Last, but not least, why can't he get up at 5 AM and make his own damn lunch? My g/f does most of the cooking (she went to culinary school while I was learning to boil ramen packets), but she sure wouldn't get up early to make me lunch just because I said she should.

Relationships are a partnership where you support each other, it may be time to remind hubby of that, since it seems to be a case of one way support - you supporting him.

That's just my thoughts on the subject.

[Treasure]

Wow - he needs to get his head out of the 50's - he can make his lunch the night before - you should not have to get up extra early just so he can have food - he is a grown ass man he wants to eat - he can pack it himself....


He creates the laundry (he wears his clothes) he can help with the putting away of laundry -
are the kids old enough to help with household chores? It may be time to start getting them to take on those tasks - how else will they learn to take care of themselves later in life?

Taking care of the house is everybody's responsibility - not just yours because you stay at home...

Ok i'm gonna step off my now... but will also advocate talking to someone who can help - councilor, friends, family etc - someone needs to smack your husband between the eyes with a clue x four.....

[Kanalah]

My daughter is autistic, so some days are better then others behavior-wise. My son is pretty consistant with his additude.

I have taught both kids (5 and 4 yo) to pick up thier own toys and to help out with other chores. I told them that if they make a mess, they have to clean it up themselves. >.> I do my best to be a good example and keep my sewing room clean and neat.

Unfourtunatly my family is no help at all. I can't tell them that I'm even in college or they'll harass me and call me a failure until I'm forced to drop out. As for friends - I'm talking to you guys about it

I think the main problem is that we have different ideas about what 'clean' is. I grew up in a hoarded house and that's made me a bit OCD when it comes to cleaning. Hubby used to live alone and had a housekeeper, so he expects to come home to a magazine cover house everyday. Which isn't possible with 2 little kids.

Also right now I'm in the middle of a 'purge' so I'm packing up old clothes and stuff to donate and putting it in the garage until Goodwill shows up.

[AccountingDrone]

Hubby used to live alone and had a housekeeper, so he expects to come home to a magazine cover house everyday. Which isn't possible with 2 little kids.

.

Tell him outright to get a cleaner in once or twice a week, stop slacking and make his own damned lunch and to help fold the damned laundry.

How about making him take a few days off from work and 'job shadow' you for a typical day so he can see what you do all day? He really does need to get his head out of Ozzie and Harriet ...

[Food Lady]

OK, I do understand that he has a job and you have a job. But he probably spends 8 hours at his while you spend 16 hours at yours. Detail a list of tasks/times for him. And quilting is not a hobby; do you have some kind of receipts showing the money you've made? And I totally agree with the "pack his own lunch" thing. Why can't he pack up food right after dinner? I'm sure you lov him, and outside of this he's a good guy, and I don't want to disparage him or men in general, but I study my friends' marriages, and this is a common story, even when the women work outside the home.

[telecom_goddess]

I gotta agree he can pack his own damn lunch...in fact he can get those frozen dinner things that are pre made and then all he has to do is open a freezer door and grab it....if it isn't too tasking for him . He can also help with the laundry....and with other housework. The work load is extremely unbalanced the way it sits.

I have to tell my bf to do stuff around the house...like empty the garbage or whatever, or he won't do it and lets things overflow. The one good thing I have going is I have the housework down to a science so it really doesn't take me too long, thanks to the fact that the kids aren't little anymore and are mostly out of the house by now anyway.

[Kanalah]

He knows that my 'hobby' makes money. Its pays for itself, my school expenses, plus christmas and his hobby-which is model trains. He does get a holiday bonus from work, but we've been using all of it to pay down our mortgage. So we'll be done with it in 3 years instead of 10+.

I just think he need a reality check. Especially when he settles down to watch tv then complains that I don't want to spend time with him. I do, it's just that *I'm still working!*

[MaggieTheCat]

Man, reading this thread makes me really, really grateful that my husband is not like this. I also have a "hobby" instead of a "job" -- I make jewelry and charms out of polymer clay and chainmail. I also do shows to earn some money. I also take care of the house and do all the cooking. I don't have kids, but we do have 4 cats that are quite a handful.

Thankfully, my husband never gives me any grief about housework not getting done. If the house is messy and he feels like it needs to be cleaned, he cleans it himself. He usually doesn't even ask me for help. If the dishes are dirty, he'll wash them (or at least load the dishwasher.) He puts his own laundry away and helps take care of the cats. If I don't make dinner, he's fine with having something simple like sandwiches, or leftovers. And while I do like to pack him a lunch in the morning before he goes to work, if I don't get up to do so, he does it himself and doesn't complain. Just this morning, I slept in longer than I usually do and didn't get up until right before he left for work. He'd packed his own lunch and when I apologized for not getting up sooner to do it, he told me it was no problem and not to be sorry.

I'm not sure what to say about your own husband, other than I agree with everyone in that he needs to learn to take up his fair share of chores and other household responsibilities. Someone suggested "job shadowing" you for a few days to see just how busy you are, which I think sounds like an awesome idea, but it's up to you whether you think that'd help him open his eyes or not. At the very least, a good long talk about exactly what you do and how much work it involves is in order.

[Seshat]

Stop funding his hobby. He'll get the message. Or he should.

[Kanalah]

Once every 3-4 months I sit him down and have this talk with him. I don't think he listens anymore. He knows I work my butt off for him and the children. He and the kids get everything they need and want, while I get nothing, over and over. Hell the last time I got new clothes was when I bought maternity clothes back in 2006!

Today our dishwasher motor burned out. Lucky I caught it before it started a fire. Since hubby is so keen on hand washing, I told him he's in charge of dishes until we get it fixed. We'll see how long that lasts.

[Treasure]

Good for you - Stick to your guns on this!

My man feels that since i cook dinner, the least he can do to show his appreciation is clean the dishes afterward; I don't do floors - so he vacuums; we both work at keeping the clutter picked up - and when "his" clutter gets too much - I pick it up and put it on his desk; when "my" clutter gets too much he puts it on the dresser in the bed room.

When I do "extra" stuff - like baking pies for my dad's birthday (a cherry and a lemon meringue) COMPLETELY from scratch - I clean the kitchen.

I typically do the laundry, but he often helps out, or sometimes it gets done seperately - due to the fact he wears a "uniform" to work, and I don't - some times he needs to do his work clothes b/c working in 100+ degree heat on vehicles he gets sweaty and the clothes are too gross to try to wear again.... but he takes the trash out (usually w/o me asking)


notice a common theme? its called Give - and - Take; Only it (is supposed to) work(s) BOTH ways - you give a little, he gives a little - you're supposed to balance each other out... and right now with the way things are horribly one sided.

The fact that you have had and have to have this conversation with him several times is frustrating I know - but you need to not let it get so far, you need to call attention to it earlier on, and ask for his help when you're getting overwhelmed...

he wants you to pack his lunch - start including a 2 or 3 chore "honey do" list with his lunch

or you can start a "chore chart" - for everybody - include rewards like if son gets all his chores done by dinner time (unless he has a chore that has to wait till after dinner) he gets 15 mins extra video game time... or something like that... you and your hubby can create your own rewards as G or NC17 as you like this will also allow you to start working the kids into other responsibilities - like daughter has to help dad load the dishwasher (once it's fixed) by putting all the forks and spoons in the silverware container.... etc etc...

People (including family) unfortunately will take advantage as long as you let them - you have to stand up for yourself, but that doesn't mean you have to bully in retaliation, or turn into "mean mommy"... but "NO" is not a bad word, nor is "Help"; and you have to learn for yourself when to use both.

[Aethian]

Take a day off from being the maid, cook, chauffeur, ect, ect, ect... Tell him his job is to take care of it ALL. He'll either burn out before getting done or open his eyes. Either that or you can start charging him for said jobs above.

[Kogarashi]

I don't have much advice to offer that hasn't already been offered, so here are my well-wishes instead.

I will second Treasure's suggestions of including a "honey do" list with his packed lunch and creating a family chore chart. For the lunch-packing, you can pack up some of the leftover dinner (assuming there are leftovers) the night before and call it good. If he wants more, he can do it himself. For the chore chart, we have one with currently-simple chores for our girls since they're 4 and 2 respectively. The girls have things like clean up toys, set the table, take a bath, etc. Their chores get upgraded as they get older.

Hubby and I currently have a fairly even split on chores. I'm in charge of dishes and floors, and weekday cooking since he gets home from work a bit on the late side. He takes on weekend cooking and does all the dusting, bathroom cleaning, and takes out trash and dirty diapers. I usually do laundry, but he'll sometimes help with the folding.

Oh, and count me as agreeing that if your husband wants a "housekeeper-look" house, he can hire the housekeeper to come and straighten up. Otherwise, he'll have to make do while you're still so busy, or he'll have to pitch in and help.

[Greenday]

That's a whole lotta lazy. Can't pack his own lunch? I'm pretty sure once you are old enough to be in high school, packing your own lunch is something you are quite capable of doing. Since he's old enough to be married and have a full time job, I'm assume he's beyond high school age so there's no excuse there.

As for cleaning, that's one job in itself. Taking care of a kid is another job. Plus your quilting. So it looks like you are working three jobs while he only works one. I mean, people hire maids to clean their houses and nannies to take care of their kids so it legitly means you are doing three jobs.

If nothing is getting through to him with your talks, maybe try some couple's therapy? I hear it helps a lot of people.