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  • #1

    Did I do the right thing?

    Hey folks,

    As some of you may or may not know, I'm with my mother in Cincinnati while my GF is recovering from major surgery. Slowly but surely she's making progress, and her social worker is working on making sure we have an apartment or something similar before she's checked out.

    Today I got a bombshell of an email that all of a sudden makes me uncertain of my chances of ever getting down there. I received an email from her social worker, saying that her father is attempting to gain guardianship of her, as he feels that her mental functions aren't quite high enough, and that I am under no circumstances to tell her about it.

    My thoughts are WTF, I've been talking with her online daily since about Jan 2010, and tho she's a little ditzy, she seems to be pretty high functioning, IMHO at any rate. As far as I know she does not take people being angry at her, or stress, well, to the point that she literally gets physically ill, hence why I've been told not to tell her.

    During our online conversation tonight I did not tell her what her social worker said, just that she sent me an email and they need to talk about the subject. Should I have even said that?

    My question is, did I do the right thing withholding this from her? I feel like I've betrayed her trust in my by keeping this secret, and am beating myself up inside because of the guilt. I'm trying to tell myself I did the right thing, but did I really?

    I hate being put in positions like this.

    Thanks for any input.

    Dendawg
    Last edited by dendawg; 09-01-2011, 03:01 AM.
    Tags: None
  • #2
    There is no 'right thing' in this situation, only 'less wrong'.

    Make a list of your options.

    You could try for guardianship.

    You could try for medical power of attorney.

    You could get down there and assess her mental state yourself.

    You could discuss the situation with her social worker and see if the social worker thinks her father may be right. Or if he may be wrong, but able to put a powerful case to a court.

    You could ... well, all sorts of things.
    Seshat's self-help guide:
    1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
    2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
    3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
    4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

    "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

    Comment

    • #3
      Quoth Seshat View Post
      You could try for guardianship.

      You could try for medical power of attorney.
      I believe those two would require me to be a spouse and/or blood relative.

      Quoth Seshat View Post
      You could discuss the situation with her social worker and see if the social worker thinks her father may be right. Or if he may be wrong, but able to put a powerful case to a court.
      Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that partially a social worker's job, to be an advocate for their client in that respect? She's told me she's going to do all she can to prevent this from happening, and due to my budget, a road trip sadly is out of the question.

      I suppose all I can do at this point is try to have a little faith and try not to panic, which is not easy at all.

      Comment

      • #4
        Quoth dendawg View Post
        I believe those two would require me to be a spouse and/or blood relative.
        Not at all. It's easier for a spouse or a blood relative, but gay couples in places where they can't marry obtain medical power of attorney all the time.

        Seek out your nearest Rainbow Alliance or GLBT group, ask for a list of understanding lawyers who work with Legal Aid or otherwise inexpensively, and talk to them.

        And yes, the social worker's job is to be an advocate for her client. But it's also family's job to advocate as well. Social workers have multiple clients - whereas you are focussed solely on your love.
        Seshat's self-help guide:
        1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
        2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
        3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
        4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

        "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

        Comment

        • #5
          oh, geeze.
          There really isn't a 'right' thing to do, aside from not beating up your gf's dad. This is a very, very good time for realistic assessment... in any case, I don't think what you did was wrong. At least it's not going to be a nasty surprise when it crops up and it's go-time...
          >_>
          Mental functions? As in like IQ, or brain surgery?? /you totally don't have to answer that... but if she can live on her own, and have a boyfriend... yeah.
          "Is it the lie that keeps you sane? Is this the lie that keeps you sane?What is it?Can it be?Ought it to exist?"
          "...and may it be that I cleave to the ugly truth, rather than the beautiful lie..."

          Comment

          • #6
            Update: She talked to a lawyer recently and gave an affidavit as to her condition, mentally, etc. and expressed her wishes to have her mother be guardian instead. Her social worker thinks her father doesn't have a case, as he essentially gave her to her mother shortly before the surgery, as he felt he wasn't physically able to take care of her.

            But here's the kicker: A couple of months before this got started, he fell off a ladder straight onto the driveway, damn near breaking his neck. How he intends to take care of her when he can barely take care of himself is beyond me.

            Comment

            • #7
              If you feel her mother would be a better guardian, then work with her mother and her social worker to have that happen. The SW will know what you can do to help.

              Her affidavit should pretty much cinch the case unless there are extraordinary conditions, anyway. Any person who needs guardianship but who is capable of making a reasonable decision, will have their decision weigh heavily in the case. Since she's choosing a next of kin (spouse, parent, sibling or adult child), then as long as her mother is competent, it should be a rubber-stamp case.
              Last edited by Seshat; 09-10-2011, 01:03 AM.
              Seshat's self-help guide:
              1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
              2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
              3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
              4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

              "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

              Comment

              • #8
                Quoth dendawg View Post
                Update: She talked to a lawyer recently and gave an affidavit as to her condition, mentally, etc. and expressed her wishes to have her mother be guardian instead. Her social worker thinks her father doesn't have a case, as he essentially gave her to her mother shortly before the surgery, as he felt he wasn't physically able to take care of her.

                But here's the kicker: A couple of months before this got started, he fell off a ladder straight onto the driveway, damn near breaking his neck. How he intends to take care of her when he can barely take care of himself is beyond me.
                Money is sometimes an issue.

                Why does the family feel your GF is not mentally competent? Is there a history of drug or alcohol abuse, or mental illness?

                It's a high burden to prove in court, and GF gets a say. Glad she has an attorney.
                They say that God only gives us what we can handle. Apparently, God thinks I'm a bad ass.

                Comment

                • #9
                  Quoth Panacea View Post
                  Why does the family feel your GF is not mentally competent?
                  It's only her father, AFAIK. He thinks he's the only person who can take care of GF properly, and has even argued with the nurses where she's doing rehab.

                  When she was living with him a couple years back, he actually went as far to try to read her emails, and got mad if he couldn't. That alone should tell you how he is. I'd better stop before I air too much dirty laundry.

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    Quoth dendawg View Post
                    It's only her father, AFAIK. He thinks he's the only person who can take care of GF properly, and has even argued with the nurses where she's doing rehab.

                    When she was living with him a couple years back, he actually went as far to try to read her emails, and got mad if he couldn't. That alone should tell you how he is. I'd better stop before I air too much dirty laundry.
                    You've told me all I need to know.

                    He's an enabler. She'll never get better with him involved. He's in it for the control.
                    They say that God only gives us what we can handle. Apparently, God thinks I'm a bad ass.

                    Comment

                    • #11
                      I wouldn't worry, then. The social worker will have already spotted this trait in him, and any competent magistrate will as well.
                      Seshat's self-help guide:
                      1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
                      2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
                      3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
                      4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

                      "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

                      Comment

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