Not Another Dating Advice Thread

[hinakiba777]

So it's been 3 years since I have been on a date, I've only been on first dates, and I've only kissed two guys in my life. The boy who gave me my first kiss when I was 17 at the after party for my prom as a way of thanking me for giving him a can of Smirnoff Ice, and a very hot Scottish man I made out with this summer. It might have gone farther with him, but stuff came up and then he went home to Scotland.

Anyway, my point with that prologue it that I have very little dating experience. So at 23, I have no damn clue what to do when it comes to men. My friends, who have experience, advise me to just use my own discretion in the matter, but I have no point of reference. I don't know what is acceptable and unacceptable.

I have gotten a lot of the same advice in the past couple of weeks. "Be yourself, but don't be scary." I don't understand that. I mean, I always act like myself. And scary how? Coming on too strong? Being weird? And how do I actually approach a guy? Half the people I know tell me to sit and shoot guys "the look" and wait for them to come over, while the rest say I should be bold and just go talk to them. But no one tells me what to say. Or more importantly, what to do post introductions.

Tonight I am planning to ask out a guy I like. I saw him one night at the bar where i sing on Thursdays, and I mentioned to my friends that I thought he was cute. One of my guy friends said he knew the guy and would introduce me. So we walked over to the guy, and my friend literally went "Hey this if my friend Hina, she thinks you're cute," and walked away. I've talked to the guy a couple of times, and I plan to ask him out tonight. When my friends found out I got a lot more conflicting advice. A lot of people told me I should wait longer before i ask the guy out, and others are saying I should have made my mover earlier than this.

So I was hoping you all could give me a littler advice. Something more specific than "be yourself". Both advice for tonight, and in general. Thanks in advance/

[Bright_Star]

Well, if you're interested in someone then go up to them, introduce yourself & just have a conversation. Forget about being coy & playing stupid "come hither" games. They don't work. Just be sensible & to-the-point.
Take it one step at a time & you'll be fine.

[ApolloSZ]

Alot of us guys are a tad oblivious at times. Being that I dont know this guy, I can only offer some generic tips that may be flavoured by how I'd wish a woman acted .

Be honest
Talk - but only give as much info about yourself as you feel comfortable with as time goes on, i.e. cell number, maybe, social security number, not so much :P.

Don't expect him to instantly like every hobby/beleif/interest you have, and vice versa - But if he rubbishes yours from day one (i.e. no discussing, just 'your wrong so there) then he's an ass. Personally I believe people need a few different interests from each other.

Don't treat date 1 as "ZOMG WE ARE COUPLE NOW"

Brightstar has a good point - The games and 'what am I thinking now' crap some (don't kill me ladies, I know not every woman out there does it) women do - is annoying - Say what you mean/think.

Its not much advice, and dunno how helpful it is sorry.

[ShadowBall]

I also don't have a lot of dating experience - I've only dated two guys my whole life and only with one of them did I get further than kissing.

Honestly, in my own experience, I never sought anyone out. I make friends with guys really easily and more often than with women, so every single guy who has ever felt anything for me or whom I have ever felt anything for was a friend. I've personally never made the first move on anyone because I was terrified of being laughed at. They always made the first move. I'm not even social or attractive and somehow I managed to charm these men without trying. It's weird.

I guess in my own experience, all I can say is what you alreayd have been told: be yourself. Also, don't seem desperate, and maybe start out getting to know each other as friends. This way you can get to know one another better without dates and if you think you're a good match, go from there. If not, hey, you at least made a friend.

If you put on an act just to impress a guy, he might fall for the facade and not for the real you and then he'll act all butt-hurt when the real you doesn't match the show you put on for him.

[Kheldarson]

I don't have a lot of dating experience either. I tried the games (don't work) and I've been the lonely girl in the corner (sucks).

Main thing I found: be yourself and be a friend. Yeah, there's the whole "friends-corner" thing that some guys talk about, but somebody who really likes you wants to be your friend. So just talk. If they're interesting (and interested), keep talking. And if you're comfortable maybe touch them a little. Kabe and I played a poking game for a while. That was our way of flirting.

[Solumina]

Talk about the same things that you would talk to a new friend about, what makes it flirtatious and shows romantic interest is body language and most of that is done on a unconscious level so don't worry about that (worrying and trying to control your body language will most likely just make you get nervous and over think things).

If it makes you feel any better my 24 year old friend had her first kiss just a couple of months ago, so you have more experience than she does.

[ArcticChicken]

[QUOTE=Kheldarson;950987]Yeah, there's the whole "friends-corner" thing that some guys talk about/QUOTE]

That whole "friends-corner" thing is BS. While I've only dated two guys in my life, I'd classify them both as successful relationships. Both were among my best friends when I started dating them, the first guy and I were together for over two years before we broke up, and we're still friends, and I'm going to marry the second.

[Rapscallion]

Alot of us guys are a tad oblivious at times.

I'd like to qualify this somewhat. The average bloke doesn't realise when a woman is interested in him, but can spot a woman being interested in a male friend from fifty feet away, though lead-lined brick walls, and via a sixth sense.

We're odd.

Rapscallion

[TowelKing]

Be blunt.
We really are fucking clueless most of the time. But not too blunt......get to know him, be truthful about yourself, be honest towards him...men don't like it when we start to like someone who turns out to actually be completely different. The trust is gone.
Don't make the mistake of becoming involved with a boy. There are a number of differences between boys and men.
Boys:
Use you to get laid
Don't treat you with respect
Don't care about you as a person, only that you increase their social standing
Men:
Treat women with care and respect
Are interested in you for your personality and your inner beauty
Won't force you to do things you're uncomfortable with (in day-to-day life, such as sex before you're ready)

If he doesn't treat you with respect, it is oftentimes not something that can be taught this late in life. If that is his only fault, work with him, tell him you don't like it and why, and ask if he is willing to work on it with you. If not, drop him. It's not fair to you to be stuck in a mentally abusive relationship--yes, lack of respect is a form of abuse as it's degrading, demoralizing and unacceptable.

I don't want to type much more in this post, but if you want to know more, PM me.

[Kheldarson]

That whole "friends-corner" thing is BS. While I've only dated two guys in my life, I'd classify them both as successful relationships. Both were among my best friends when I started dating them, the first guy and I were together for over two years before we broke up, and we're still friends, and I'm going to marry the second.

Eh...not really, since I was there at one point. Good friends with a guy, had been flirting with him, but he just wanted to be friends. Never said anything to me though. Was a massive clue by four to my head when he started dating someone else. So, yeah, it happens. Sucks when it does, but it does.

Fortunately, btw, he's married to the girl he started dating, and I started dating Kabe soon after, so it all worked out ^__^

[Seshat]

Don't make the mistake of becoming involved with a boy. There are a number of differences between boys and men.
Boys:
Use you to get laid
Don't treat you with respect
Don't care about you as a person, only that you increase their social standing
Men:
Treat women with care and respect
Are interested in you for your personality and your inner beauty
Won't force you to do things you're uncomfortable with (in day-to-day life, such as sex before you're ready)

Quoted for truth.

My partners won't 'force' me to do things I'm uncomfortable with, but will talk me into them when they're important and medical. Such as getting mammograms (I had two aunts with the big B. C. and have had two scares). That said, they'll also accompany me to whatever it is, and sit in with me if I want it.



Back to dating advice: what you're doing is determining if this is a person being friends with for the rest of your life. Romantic love sometimes lasts a whole lifetime, and sometimes doesn't. Being friends and life partners is much more likely to last, and romantic love can come and go over the course of that life.

Find someone you can build a strong core of friendship-love with. If he (or she) is a good spouse for you, it will become a unique sort of friendship-love, one different from the kind of love you have for most of your friends. But it's not just romantic love. Romantic love will fade, as life starts to throw problems at you. As you struggle with money, or jobs, and see each other at their worst. Then it will come back, as you learn to admire each other's strengths and resilience against adversity. And fade again, and come back again.

What will tie your marriage (or defactoness or whatever) together is the special friendship-love, the one that I don't have a good name for, but it's closer to a very strong friendship than to the glow of 'romantic love' I always tended to have for my dating partners.

So when you date someone, let them see who you are. (Not too fast, no faster than you would a new friend.) Also, look at who they are. See if you could be friends with them for your whole lives.

At some point, find out what they dream of doing; and what they realistically want to do. If he wants to devote the next ten years of his life to Medicins Sans Frontiers, ask yourself if you want to spend ten years working in a poor part of Africa with him. (or wherever MSF sends him)
Maybe you do. Maybe you could ask MSF to send him someplace you'd be happier being. Maybe you're the one who wants to work with MSF. Heck, maybe MSF could further your own life plans by training you with internationally recognised qualifications as a nurse, or doctor, or social worker, psychologist, or whatever while your new husband works for them.

Basically, you're going to want to find out what his plans for his life are, and let him know what yours are, and work out if they are compatible or can be made compatible. If so .. yay!

[hinakiba777]

I would just like to start my response by saying thank you for those of you who gave me advice so far. I look forward to hearing more feedback, so that I can get a more well rounded picture of what I should be doing.

Second, Seshat's beautiful and excellent advice scares me. A lot. I'm 23. I will not finish university until I am around 28. I have a hell of a lot of living to do, and finding my eternal partner is very much not on my list. I have no time or money for adventures now, so I would like to have a few solo quests before I find love. If the universe tosses my soul mate in my direction, then I will change my plans. But as of now I'm not actively seeking forever. I just want to date some nice young men to have the experience of dating nice young men, and because kissing is fun. Again, beautiful and wise words Seshat, but horribly scary to me at this point in my life.

Also, while i know that any relationship I have should be built on friendship, as well as attraction, I will never allow a guy I like to become my friend outright before I date him. Mostly because once a guy is my friend, he is my friend. My guy friends and I tend to be pretty open about sex and stuff, so there is a lot of joking and fake flirting etc. We all knows it means nothing, so it always means nothing. That is to say, if one of us ever took it seriously it would ruin the game. So you have to always take it as a kid, and not a confession. I'm not sure how to explain that better. Basically, once a guy is my friend I no longer can think of him in the "attractive male" sense, he becomes my bro. The idea of a straight up friendship morphing into a romance feels like a betrayal to me, and it adds to many "what ifs" to the joking and fun. Best keep them apart.

EDIT= Before you ask, yes. There have been times when male friends of mine have admitted to liking me. Usually after revealing that they are finally over me now that they are with someone else. I would then be really awkward around all my guy friends for a few weeks.

[Seshat]

Second, Seshat's beautiful and excellent advice scares me. A lot. I'm 23. I will not finish university until I am around 28.
<snippage>
I just want to date some nice young men to have the experience of dating nice young men, and because kissing is fun. Again, beautiful and wise words Seshat, but horribly scary to me at this point in my life.

Thank you for the compliment.

In that case, instead of discussions of long term, make it a discussion of what each of you desires. If your potential partner wants the long term, and wants to be seeking a long term partner RIGHT NOW, then the kind thing to do is to let him know that you aren't.

If, however, you're both seeking a nice young <man/woman> to have fun dating times with, then go for it and enjoy yourselves.

There's plenty of good to be said for both. And now you can store up my (ahem) (blush) beautiful and wise words, for later use.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

With the whole, "eternal partner" bit... here's the words I got from a high school teacher back in the day, when he was talking to the class in response to someone else's question.
"My wife knows, and I know-- we have types. If I die, she if she finds someone else, he'll be a 'type,' like I was for her. If she dies, I know what I like, and if I fall in love again, it'll be with someone very much like her." Granted, it can be very difficult, if not impossible, to find the 'type' again... but still. Love, and marriages, are choices, verbs, actions. Work. Amazing work. Like a hobby, or a passion. Don't be too freaked out by it.
Also, I totally second the boy vs. man thing that towel king put up. I managed to find myself a man. If anyone pressures you to put out (sex, money, whatever), walk away. They're jerks, or are being jerks. For my part, I found someone I wanted to go on adventures with. ... I also discovered that I will never ever be done changing, because I had this idea of being perfect for the man I'd marry (if he ever came along...). Fact is, you'll never be perfect, he'll never be perfect, you're supposed to grow together. Granted, some growth simply must be finished if they're to be dateable... thus man versus boy.

[Seshat]

Boys can be fun to date for a while, but when they start getting demanding and ridiculous, walk away. And be prepared to be pursued - you may need to filter them out of your facebook, email folder, and phone, etc.

Men - mature, sensible people - are generally more fun regardless. And one who knows it's intended to be short term (as in, not 'to marriage') is more likely to behave well when you (or he!) decides to end it.