trying not to feel guilty about this...

[KellyHabersham]

To make it short - this past weekend my sister mentioned that my daughter had apparently confessed to her that she feels REALLY bad about not having a "normal" family - parents, siblings,....etc. Which I feel rather guilty about not being able to provide for her, and just to give some highlights on the situation:

- Heather has several half-sisters (and a half-brother on the way)on her father's side, but the family dynamics being what they are, she doesn't know them. Meanwhile, it's doubtful that I will ever have other kids.....although you never really know.

- she doesn't expect me to get back together with her father, and he'd never mentioned marriage until several years later.....when things had gone sour between us and it would have been awkward.

- it's not been my active choice to remain unmarried....for various reasons, it's always been rather difficult for me to meet guys, and unfortunately Heather doesn't/can't understand this because she's always been the type to attract them.

- Jeremy does things with most of his other kids, but chooses not to do the same for Heather. She denies it, but I know it bothers her to some extent, and I also know that he blames his lack of involvement on me.

[Food Lady]

I don't have kids, but I can sympathize with the not being able to meet guys. I also do know what it's like to not really have a dad; my dad was physically present, but not emotionally. It is possible to recover that relationship to some extent; he used to ignore me, but has done a 180 in that he will drop everything for me now. I had to tell him exactly how I felt when I was a teen and it took years and his wife's influence to complete a change. I'm saying it's possible for relationships to change. It's just that someone has to be open first.

[KellyHabersham]

That's very true - I just know that for right now, Jeremy seems to want to focus on being a dad to the kids whose mothers he's on good terms with. And for the two whose mother he does NOT get along with, I guess he feels it's best to wait until the kids are older and want to initiate a relationship with him. (he admitted as much to Heather when they'd gotten in touch on Facebook last year)

[teh_blumchenkinder]

... has your sister been pressuring you/has in the past about your own relationships? 'cuz... if so... >_>
but yeah-- point out to Heather, when you can/it's appropriate without tipping hands, that this is what happens, and worse, when people, like you and her, don't make good relationship choices. This is why being like her dad is a bad idea; etc.-- paint it for her, connect the consequences, etc.
Make a teaching moment/lesson out of a very bad thing. After all, she has a chance to have things go better in this regard; with you, it's already happened.

EDIT: ask why she feels bad. Is because everyone else has one? Why?

[Imprl59]

You should take a poll of your friends and see who claims to have a "normal" family. Half or more of the marriages out there end in divorce. A tremendous amount of kids are raised in single parent homes and trust me there are plenty of us out there that aren't good with the other sex (or the same sex for those of us that are in to that). I wouldn't worry about trying to create a normal family... it sounds like you already have.

I don't know the relationship dynamics at play but the whole topic doesn't seem like something a kid would just bring up with your sister. Could she by trying to stir the pot?

From reading your post the only thing I would encourage you to do is try your damndest to get her dad to be involved with her. I'm sure he was a lousy partner but if he has any dad potential at all try to encourage it.

[KellyHabersham]

An update of sorts:


Heather spent some time with her father this weekend, and apparently it went well – one of her half-sisters was having a birthday party at a pizza place, so Jeremy invited her along. (Heather did admit she felt kind of awkward because she didn’t know anyone that well…..she’s met two of her sisters before, but that’s about it)

It’s hard to say whether or not this will lead to further visits, but for now it seems like it might be a good thing for Heather to spend more time around her father and sisters. Although I personally intend to have as little contact with Jeremy as possible – he’s proven that he can’t be civil or respectful towards me, and I don’t see much of a reason to put up with that.