Relationship Advice - may be a bit long

[Rapscallion]

My initial advice was to pretty much get out and salvage what you could of yourself. Someone else raised the idea of counselling. I think that would be a good step, actually - I'd forgotten it.

If she refuses that point blank, then I'd say to kick her into touch. You could salvage both sides with counselling. It might not work, or she might refuse, but if you love her then you'd be reasonably advised to at least make the offer.

Rapscallion

[Marmalady]

Counselling would be a way to go, that's if she accepts that this is a problem for both of you.

Otherwise... as someone who had years of the same kind of thing from my ex, I would say that a person like this is never satisfied. They don't like you wearing something, so you stop wearing it. Then there's someone they don't like you seeing, so you stop seeing them. Then there's a place they don't like you going to, so you stop going there.

It's never, ever enough. Every demand you cave to is replaced by another. And it's such a gradual process that you hardly realise it's happening, until one day you look in the mirror and don't recognise the person looking back.

Your GF doesn't dislike these friends, she dislikes what they represent, i.e. a part of your life that doesn't include her, and which she cannot control. Personally, I'd walk, but only you know how much more you're prepared to invest in this relationship.

[Der Cute]

I agree with what's been said: She's controlling, being childish about not fully expressing her needs/opinions, and will not change.
I keep wanting to say bint. Maybe I mean bin.

Would you say that she's worth more than ALL of your CWs put together? No? Kaput.

[georgie]

Ive always thought that a little bit of jealousy in a relationship is a good thing. :-)


what your gf is doing isnt normal tho. she has absolutely no right to tell you who you can or cannot see. i suppose i could understand a bit ( a huge bit) if these cw friends where female and your type but they are male, not your type, good and wholesome who wont lead you into police chases, drugs or visiting prostitutes.

its fine she doesnt like them but to then give you an ultimatum about her or them.

i feel like if you give in on this ultimatum and stop being friends with the cw's then what is the next ultimatum going to be about?

will you be given an ultimatum every single time she doesnt like someone you meet? her or them?

it honestly sounds like you've never done anything to make her mistrust you.

how did you feel about yourself when you lied? did you feel like crap or was your first thought that you better start getting good at it so you can still meet up with cw's and for her to not find out?


maybe its time to give her an ultimatum. she sees someone about curbing her jealousy or she waves goodbye to a great relationship with you.

[morgana]

CRML,

Marmalady has it absolutely pegged. And I will echo everyone else here; this is not healthy, and you should not put up with it.

In fact, I'll put it even more bluntly. Run for your life.

Because if she gets her way, you won't have a life.

[tropicsgoddess]

She's way over the top with the jealousy. It seems like there's more than just some big insecurity issues with her why she behaves that way. Either way it's just not healthy at all. You said that you're friends are good people and that the trip to see them was planned. Your insanely jealous girlfriend isn't worth losing your friends over.

[ArcticChicken]

CRML, your relationship is broken. You can either try and fix it (i.e., couples therapy) or you can scrap it and start over. You're the only one of us who can tell for certain what's wanted here, but from what you've told us, I'd probably scrap it if I were you.

Ive always thought that a little bit of jealousy in a relationship is a good thing. :-)

Just out of curiosity, why? Jealousy is a sign of mistrust. I could watch another girl flirt with my BF, or, indeed, watch my BF flirt with another girl, without a twinge of jealousy, because I know he's not going home with her tonight (without my permission, that is )

[Seshat]

I get jealous when I'm not getting as much attention as my psyche seems to need. I've discovered that this is the cause, and now instead of being grumpy and miserable and jealous, I ask for more attention.

Which my loves are usually more than happy to give me. Win-win.

[Kara]

Because if she gets her way, you won't have a life.

QFT

This was my life, if you can call it that. 15 years of gradually being made more and more insignificant and more subservient. I didn't even consider my own wants and needs, because to do so was being selfish.

15 years of Hell. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

[raw456]

My advice is, ask yourself the following:

Do you love her?
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her?
Are you willing to give up your friends for her?

If you answer NO to any of these, it's time to end the relationship.

Harsh I know, but better to do it now than later.

[Gerrinson]

My g/f has made it clear that she doesn't like most of my friend, or their lifestyle, BUT she would never tell me I couldn't spend time with them. She even suggests that I should spend some time with them on occasion because I'm such a homebody and she doesn't want me staying home with her to come between me and my friends.

Her ability to let me be with my friends, even if she disapproves of them, is part of what has made our relationship so successful (5 1/2 yrs so far.) If she ever told me that I had to choose them or her, I'd kick her to curb in a heartbeat, even at this point. We've had that discussion and she agrees with my response.

Your g/f is an important part of your life, but she is not and should not be your whole life. That is very unhealthy and it will only get worse the longer you let it continue.

[CaroPhoenix]

I do not like the majority of Mr. Rum's friends. I'm polite and I will talk to them if we're in the same room together, but otherwise, I wouldn't spit on them if they were on fire. That being said, I do not tell him that he cannot see his friends. He chooses to see them when/if he wants to and they're doing something interesting. Otherwise, he can leave them too.

That being said, CRML, I think you should get out of the relationship. Counseling is a good idea, but if she doesn't think she's the problem, then getting out would the best thing for you to do.

[Dilorenzo]

CRML, all the advice that could be given has been given. But as someone who's been in a similar situation which only got worse? Really ask yourself if you're willing to give up so much for no given reason. And I mean sit down and ask yourself, really think it over. Other than that, it's up to you.

[customersruinmylife]

Thanks for all the advice guys. I'm really touched, I honestly did not expect so many replies!

I don't know what I'm going to do at the minute. I am meeting my girlfriend tomorrow, and I am just going to see how it goes. We haven't seen each other in a few days, but I have even encountered some jealousy since then. A photo was tagged online of me and the two CWs, and she was offended that one of them had put their arm around me (in the buddy-like pose)

I have decided that I am not going to give up my friends, and I am not going to give up my trip no matter what. And I am going to tell her that. They are my friends. They have done nothing wrong. And they make me happy.

I do actually see them as friends I could have for life. And I am not going to turn around and abandon that for someone else's problem.

[yeahwhatev]

Honestly? She needs to grow up. Tell her to call you when she does.