At this rate, I'll be kicking my parents out of my life again...

[KiaKat]

Only you can say when enough is enough.

Your mom seemed supportive a few months ago. It seemed like she was finally getting it. Why the turnaround? If you got her alone, would she revert? Is it your father's influence? Did something happen between then and now to make her shift?

This is a big change for them, too. Right now, they're probably feeling like failures. Their "little boy" who they raised to be a "good man" is telling them they fucked up. That they didn't do what they thought they were doing. There's a reason transitioning is so hard, not just on the person, but on the family and friends around the person. You're having to screw up everyone's perceptions and force them to re-evaluate their own lives and where they fit in their lives.

Give them some time. Remember that they're grieving the "loss" of their "son," and it's going to be much the same process as if you were dying. Suggest a counselor to them (yours probably has some great recommendations, and they should NOT be seeing her unless it's family therapy). Send them some reading material. Books are good, even if they're ones intended for children. They aren't automatons and you can't expect them to immediately accept you without some drama and angst.

In the meantime, you have my number and my email. Feel free to send me messages whenever, to vent or cry or what-have-you.

[Kara]

Thanks everyone.

Just got off the phone with my mother. Some of the same arguments were made, but I held my ground as always, and I think their defenses are starting to crumble. She read about Vanishing Twin Syndrome (where one twin absorbs the other in the womb) and wondered if that may have caused "this." I told her I have no idea what caused me to be the way I am. There are LOADS of theories but the research doesn't exist, nor does the funding for proper research to be conducted.

She said it's just so sudden. I told her that I know it seems sudden to them, but to me this has been a LONG time coming. She said she failed because she didn't know me well enough growing up. I told her she DID NOT fail, and that she DID see the signs. I told her about how I'd heard her say, "You are not a girl. You are a boy" more than a few times when I was growing up. But that the fact that I still turned out the way I did is not a failure on her part.

She said she doesn't know what to do. I told her she's trying hard to figure out a way to deal and still be a part of my life, and that IS doing something. So many people I know have lost their parents completely by coming out, and they tell me how lucky I am that didn't happen here.

I told them the worst thing they can do, if they really want to handle this in a positive way, is to try to deal with it on their own. I told them they need to talk to a counselor (because I know for a fact they don't have any friends who have transgender children).

I told her I understand that she feels like she's losing me, but she's finally getting to see the REAL me. And that the fact that she didn't know the real me was MY fault, not hers. Because I was too afraid growing up to talk about it.

Maybe we're getting somewhere. Next Thursday is my dad's birthday and I'm off that day, and they still want me to come.

Baby steps still count as progress. Maybe we can get through this as a family. Maybe we can be a stronger, closer family because of it.

[Cookie]

Well, that's better than the last time you spoke with her. I hope she keeps opening her eyes. :hugs hugs and more hugs:

[stephenr]

Hopefully, it will work out for you. You are one of the strongest people I know. I really hope your parents learn to accept you for who you are.

[Dilorenzo]

Kara, it hurt my damn heart to read this.

I'm not gonna go off on your folks. They don't know how to deal with this, yet. Does that excuse them? No, of course not, but I'm gonna hold out hope they accept you.

All you need to realize is that you had a support system of friends who, be we idiots or not as your folks suggest, support you completely in what you're doing, and think you're a fantastic person for just being you. Can't all of us be wrong, can we?

[RootedPhoenix]

Oh Kara, *hugs* I can't believe they're being like this.

It's one thing to disagree. It's one thing to be bewildered and confused. But your parents are doing this all wrong. They need to love you. You are a human being and you need their love. They don't get to make judgments for you; you're an adult. You're not asking their permission; you just want their love.

I'm not always sure how to wrap my brain around all of this (I've not yet had any transgender friends, just several gay/lesbian/bi ones), but it feels to me like they're not really trying. That makes me really sad.

My friends know I love them. They make their own decisions about their own lives, and my job is to love them. Not to sit in judgement about how I might have done it, because, news flash, they're not me.

I wish your parents would just...not be like this.

[ArcticChicken]

It's one thing to disagree. It's one thing to be bewildered and confused. But your parents are doing this all wrong. They need to love you. You are a human being and you need their love. They don't get to make judgments for you; you're an adult. You're not asking their permission; you just want their love.

Kara's parent's DO love her. What they aren't doing (yet) is ACCEPTING her.

If they didn't love her, they would have just cut her out of their lives. Instead they are trying to deal with a scary situation (scary because unknown), and they are doing it very badly, by trying to turn it back into something they know.

[Kiwi]

HUGS Kara

You don't have to cut them off but you should limit your contact with them until they can either accept you for YOU or keep their mouths shut about your objections.
I bet my boots they do things that you don't agree with and you stay quiet to be polite, well they can damn well learn some manners and give you the same courtesy.

The only person who needs to accept you, is you.
Dress the way you want to, wear make up if you want to, whatever makes you feel good you should be doing that.
If people are to narrow minded to accept you then it is on THEM not on you.

[Mytical]

HUGS Kara

You don't have to cut them off but you should limit your contact with them until they can either accept you for YOU or keep their mouths shut about your objections.
I bet my boots they do things that you don't agree with and you stay quiet to be polite, well they can damn well learn some manners and give you the same courtesy.

The only person who needs to accept you, is you.
Dress the way you want to, wear make up if you want to, whatever makes you feel good you should be doing that.
If people are to narrow minded to accept you then it is on THEM not on you.

QFT. QFE, Quoted because it is awesome. ^^ is the truth..if you are happy with you, that is all that is required.

[BeenThereDoneThat]

I'm rooting for you Kara...and your parents too.

[Sapphire Silk]

My security company will fail because no one will want to work for me, and anyone who I supervise won't respect me. If our investor did not know about me AND feel completely competent that I could do the job and make money for him, he would not be giving us $30,000 and telling us to run this.

Kara, I'm really sorry you have to go through this. One thing I think you need to accept is that your parents may never accept the real you. It doesn't have to be logical or rational. It simply is. The best you can do is keep the door open in case they change their minds.

I did want to address one of their points with a brief story, if I may, to point out the fallacy they have fallen into and how it might affect you later on.

I used to work with a nurse who was transgendered: male to female, like yourself.

I didn't know until AFTER she died that this was so. The only clue I had was her name, which was a male name (Larri) spelled slightly differently. I always thought it was an odd name for a girl, but other than that gave it no real consideration. Larri was a kind person, a good nurse, and a great instructor. The students loved her. I held her in high regard.

She passed away suddenly and unexpectedly a couple of months ago. That's when I found out she was transgendered. Her family dressed her as a male for the memorial service (open casket). They never accepted her living as a female, and buried her as a man.

If I were you, I would make my funeral arrangements in advance and have an executor to enforce them. Otherwise, your parents will do that to you.

But the real point is: Larri was VERY successful as a woman and most of the people who knew her (like me) had NO clue she was born male until AFTER she died.

In a few years most people will associate you as being female, and most of the people you interact with will have NO idea you were born male.

Your company will stand or fall on its own (though I wish you the best of success with the endeavor).

[RootedPhoenix]

*hugs kara* You are worth lots, and you are loved, miss. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

[42_42_42]

Kara, to me, you are and always have been female. You aren't pretty, you're beautiful. In fact, you're one of the most beautiful people I know. Your supporters aren't laughing at you, we're proud of you.

Honestly, I can't wait for everything in your life to get sorted so you can take a vaca to Atlanta and we can have an awesome girls' weekend. Shopping, spa, dancing, drinks,

[Kara]

Sigh.....

Last night my sister called me. Mom called her yesterday and told her I "showed up the other night dressed like a girl." And said I look like my sister. I told my sister what she told ME I looked like and that if I were her, I'd be offended if that's how our mother really feels.

So I thought, maybe.... just maybe....

And then she called me this morning. Tomorrow is my sister's birthday but I have a 2 hour business meeting with our investor/owner in the evening and I can't go see her. But Thursday is my dad's birthday and my sister is going to be there. Thus I am doubly obligated to go. And my dear sweet mother got an appointment with a counselor that day too. So guess what we're doing?

Mom's more clever than she acts.... she 's got me trapped now. I mean, it's not like this guy, a licensed psychologist, will have a different opinion than mine. Or any of the other docs who have agreed this is how I am. If the doc I saw for hormones wasn't 100% certain that I'm 100% certain, she would NOT have put me on hormones. I didn't even make it past describing my teenage years when she told me, "This is DEFINITELY right for you."

Fine. I'll go and I'll play her stupid game. And before I leave I will pull her to the side, so as not to disrupt the celebration for my father and sister, and let her know EXACTLY how she's making me feel: hurt, betrayed, and offended. That she is acting just like the woman she hates most in this world, my ex.

This is how it started with her.... needing a second opinion. Then the abuse started when no one would say what SHE wanted them to say. Congratulations, mother. You've become your worst enemy. And I guarantee I'll leave long before I let the abuse start. No one, NO ONE, is going to be allowed to tear me down. Never again.

[RootedPhoenix]

Oh, Kara. *hugs* You are loved. You are worth lots. *hughughug*

I don't know what to say, but they don't seem to get that this action is likely to push you away permanently. And all because you did something they didn't want.

Why they can't treat you like an adult is beyond me. For me, I don't know how best to handle this, because I don't always know what I'm doing, but I will not treat you as anything less than the valuable human being that you are. I love you, and you are worth lots, Kara. My lack of knowledge doesn't change your value as a person, and a contributing member of society. I don't want to cause you more pain or tears. You've had so many of those already; I refuse to be that person.

*more hugs* Love ya.