Women's issue - potentially NSFW

[Maria]

Long story short, tomorrow, I'm scheduled for some testing and scanning of a lump that I found a couple weeks ago. I'm totally freaked out, not because of the lump, but because I was abused for most of my childhood and into my early 20's. A couple of those instances were committed by those in the medical field. I practically never have problems resulting from that stuff, but the only thing that still sets me off in a really big way, is feeling trapped and powerless in a medical setting. Which is exactly how I feel, even though intellectually, I totally want to do this stuff.

My sister is currently on a five-hour flight to come hold my hand during the testing (best sister EVER) but I've gotten to wondering a couple of things, and at this point I'm too scared to even call the office and ask. This particular office specializes in screening and diagnostic exams of female private bits, so is it reasonable to assume that they know how to deal with the occasional patient with a history of abuse? How should I tip them off that between pain and terror, I'm likely to melt down so spectacularly that I wouldn't be surprised if THEY had nightmares for weeks? Can I just write a note and hand it off to the receptionist, if I get too wound-up to get it out verbally?

[Eisa]

First off, Second off, yes, write a note. That's what I did the first time I even went to a gyn, I wrote down that I had PTSD, I was an abuse survivor, please do x, y, and z. (Which mainly was use smallest instruments, and tell me what you're going to do first.) But yes, they should know how to deal with a patient with an abuse history, and I definitely think you should write it down...it's hard to speak up and say anything so the note says it for you.

[Food Lady]

Eisa is right; I just popped in to give hugs.

[fireheart]

Something I take with me whenever I go to the dentist or in other locations-my iPod. Just crank up the music and that distracts me from whatever the hell's going on.

[Seshat]

A GOOD doctor will be careful, gentle and reassuring.

Not all doctors are good.

A GOOD doctor and GOOD nursing staff will make sure you have whichever you want: the ability to pretend nothing is happening (eg you bring your iPod and distract yourself), or a discussion of what is about to happen and why/a running commentary of what they're doing and about to do.

I've been probed, prodded and cathetered a lot. I've been fortunate that I haven't been abused in a medical setting (in other ways, yes, but not in a medical setting - thank god).
(My wife was abused in a respite care centre. By one of the other patients. And when she complained, she was told 'that's just how he is'!)

I can assure you that there ARE good doctors and nurses and ancillary staff out there. You have the right to be treated well.

I'd even go so far as to say that people like me can have the doctors/etc who are technically skilled but not as good at bedside manner; so that those like you who've suffered can have the ones who are skilled with abuse patients. (And also have the technical skills, naturally.)



Trying to get to the point here:
If you do get a doctor who doesn't handle things appropriately after being asked (by note or by your sister or verbally or however it happens), you or your sister are well within your rights to get up and walk out and rebook with a different doctor.

You are also within your rights to complain.


I think I'd recommend doing it with a note, and perhaps sending the note in advance so they can schedule you with the most PSTD-friendly medical staff they have.

Your note can be pretty general about the nature and location of the abuse. Simply state that due to past trauma, you are sensitive about procedures such as the one you're scheduled for.
Then tell them how you want it handled.
If you want to be helped to ignore the procedure until it's over, say so.
If you want to have everything explained as they do things, say so.
If you want to bring in a giant stuffed toy, that's fine. (Heck, I do!)

Keep a copy of the note for yourself. If everything goes well, you can use it as a standard 'form letter' for future medical needs.
If things go poorly, you can write a letter of complaint and include a copy of your letter as evidence that you did ask, and asked clearly.


Best of luck, and may you have wonderful medical staff.

[Maria]

I'm in a wee bit of a rush cleaning up my kid's room for my sister to crash in (he swore it was clean when he went out with his friend... I think not!!) but I wanted to say thank you for the advice. Seshat, your very clear information answered a question that I only a few minutes ago realized I had -- I had no idea what to write, but now I'm getting some thoughts together.

Thanks, all of you, especially for the understanding. I haven't even had the nerve to talk about this stuff aloud (my sister doesn't even know quite why she's coming, just that I needed her for an appointment) so I'm glad I had a place where I knew I would find people who know just what to do. I really appreciate it.

[Seshat]

You're most welcome.

I usually have a family member with me at the doctor's - partly because I can no longer drive, so they come with me to drive me.

I often have a stuffed animal. I always have two little tokens-of-love in my handbag anyway, but the stuffed animal is more huggable.

[42_42_42]

hugs!

hope everything goes uneventfully!

[RootedPhoenix]

Sending hugs and prayers that you'll have a good experience.

[Seshat]

IMPORTANT

I just re-read my advice.

Just because I only offered two options, doesn't mean they're the only ones. If you have some other way you want it handled, PLEASE tell them.

(Heck, mention it here - there are plenty of people who have been abused one way or another, and new coping options are always welcome. Mutual support, y'know?)

[Maria]

If you have some other way you want it handled, PLEASE tell them.

(Heck, mention it here - there are plenty of people who have been abused one way or another, and new coping options are always welcome. Mutual support, y'know?)

Good idea; I did learn one thing that was totally new information to me, and it just might help others!

We got the appointment taken care of, but it did not go smoothly. We sat at a coffee shop in the morning and worked on the note together, which was good because until that point, Sis didn't even know what tests were scheduled, or what I needed from her. I had not realized that I hadn't given her that information... she decided it was worth getting on a plane, so I thought she knew.

The office did not have any plan for patients who had any physical, mental, or emotional issues at all, actually... not even wheelchair-accessible doorways. I was a little confused by that. My note never did make it to the lady doing my exams, because she must have had a checklist of how to trigger panic attack -- I didn't even make it out of the waiting room chair before she'd accomplished that. So Sis verbally went over it all while I melted down in a corner (sigh...) and they decided it would probably be best for everyone's sanity if they ignored standard procedure and had her stay with me, with some lead shielding for the x-ray part of my tests. Not really a fan of this... my sister spends half her life at 40,000 feet, and she gets more than enough radiation already. But she did it anyway.

That turned out to be a really, really good thing because the x-rays, which I thought would be tame, dragged up a lot of garbage from the past. We're going to be working on that stuff for weeks, but she took steps to create the best experience possible. For me, that's lots of hugs that I don't usually get because she's my polar opposite. But the point is that we did whatever it took to make it a kind of happy experience for me, so the next time I have to do something like this, I can just take my teddy bear with me, and choose to focus on that rather special memory instead of the bad ones. It'll probably still be hard, but not impossible.

(And we got good news too, when the specialist reviewed my results, so that definitely helps, too!)

[Seshat]

The office did not have any plan for patients who had any physical, mental, or emotional issues at all, actually... not even wheelchair-accessible doorways.

Time for a polite letter to the management.

My note never did make it to the lady doing my exams, because she must have had a checklist of how to trigger panic attack

It doesn't help that it differs for each patient.

So Sis verbally went over it all while I melted down in a corner (sigh...) and they decided it would probably be best for everyone's sanity if they ignored standard procedure and had her stay with me, with some lead shielding for the x-ray part of my tests. Not really a fan of this... my sister spends half her life at 40,000 feet, and she gets more than enough radiation already. But she did it anyway.

Your sister sounds wonderful, incredible, supportive, and deserving of a BIG thing of yummy fudge.
Unless she's sugar intolerant, in which case a big thing of her favourite food.

That turned out to be a really, really good thing because the x-rays, which I thought would be tame, dragged up a lot of garbage from the past. We're going to be working on that stuff for weeks

On the plus side, you'll be stronger for having worked on it.

but she took steps to create the best experience possible. For me, that's lots of hugs that I don't usually get because she's my polar opposite. But the point is that we did whatever it took to make it a kind of happy experience for me

Definitely the fudge. Or whatever.

so the next time I have to do something like this, I can just take my teddy bear with me, and choose to focus on that rather special memory instead of the bad ones. It'll probably still be hard, but not impossible.

GOOD for you!

Be aware that you may well crash-and-burn again, maybe not next time, but some time. Probably when you're least expecting it.
It happens. It's human. When (not if) it happens, try not to make yourself feel worse by feeling .. well, whatever negative about it. Remind yourself that it's okay, it's human, it's part of the process of recovery.

Also: in a medical setting should be one of the safest places for it to happen. Because medical personnel should be trained at minimum in the fact that it can happen.
They aren't always, but they should be. My last gyn certainly wasn't. But I do have a basically great medical team, so .. yay.

(And we got good news too, when the specialist reviewed my results, so that definitely helps, too!)

That's fantastic!