Holiday depression... what to do?

[Taboo]

I'm supposed to be going to stay with family over Christmas for a few days. I don't know if I can handle it this year. I've just had as much as I can take. Some of them are abusive, including my father, and usually I can just suck it up and ignore it for a few days, but the ones that I usually get along with have been harassing me... why did it take me an extra year to finish college, why am I still single, why am I still not working full time, why can't I get even a retail or food service job to take me on... I get it, I do. Everyone else is ridiculously successful. Even my cousins my own age, they got hired into dream jobs within a week of finishing their degrees and they're traveling all over the world and in serious relationships, and meanwhile I'm just floundering... and that's not something that happens in my family. They just don't get it and I can't take all the disappointed phone calls I'm getting. My life feels like enough of a failure without them pointing it out to me. And it's just going to be more of the same over holidays.

But I'm not sure if staying home here is a better option. I've been too depressed lately and I don't know if I trust myself to be alone for a week over holidays and not do something stupid. I usually manage okay because my roommates are supportive and awesome people, but they'll both be gone. There's not really anyone else I could stay with. I asked my mother but she doesn't want to see me apparently...

It's just been a really frustrating year. No job prospects right now, I've done a handful of freelance things but it's not enough to live off of; I've only gotten two interviews for full or part time jobs in the past 5 years of job hunting and neither went anywhere. I've also had to try and come to terms with the fact that my mental illness is more severe than I'd thought and may or may not ever be manageable enough for me to hold down a normal job or maintain a relationship. And I found out recently I'm not able to have kids, and I can't legally adopt because of things in my mental health history. Just a lot of crushed dreams I guess. I'm burnt out and I'm sick of having to defend myself when everyone in my family constantly tells me what a disappointment I am to them.

Should I stay here on my own? Or go stay with family and suck it up and deal with all the nagging and verbal abuse so I'm not alone? I'm frustrated, there's just no good options right now...

I'm sorry for whining here. I feel bad posting about any of this. I just don't know where else to ask.

[BeenThereDoneThat]

Wow...that is a tough one. Normally I'd say screw your family, they don't deserve to have you...but if that is the only way to keep you from possibly harming yourself, maybe it would be just marginally better. I sure wish you had another option.

Are you in counseling at all??

[spark]

Reading this made me think of something else I read, here: http://therumpus.net/2010/12/dear-su...llish-edition/

The two letters at the end, and the answer to them are what I mean. I think you might find them interesting reading. Basically, to sum up, they talk about setting boundaries, and saying "this is not appropriate" when somebody in your family abuses you. And abuse is what they're doing, even if it's not physical abuse. Calling you up just to tell you they're disappointed with you is not kosher, not ever. You don't do that to your worst enemy, let alone to somebody in your family.

Personally, and it's just me, and you can ignore it if you want, I think you should go, but you shouldn't suck it up, you should say, politely but firmly "I'm doing just fine with my life, and I won't listen to you say otherwise." (Or less politely you can just tell 'em to fuck off.) Maybe you don't have the perfect Barbie-doll lifestyle complete with Barbie Dream House and Barbie Cadillac and a perfectly groomed Ken Doll that they expect from you, but that doesn't mean something is wrong with you. "Floundering" isn't some kind of life disaster, people who flounder come out stronger for it, imho. You flounder through and you live and you learn, and that's how *most* people live their lives, probably even some of your "perfect" relatives, they're just so caught up in how they need to be perfect that they won't admit to everything that's wrong in their lives.

[Der Cute]

Some of them are abusive, including my father, and usually I can just suck it up and ignore it for a few days, but the ones that I usually get along with have been harassing me...
why did it take me an extra year to finish college,
why am I still single,
why am I still not working full time,
why can't I get even a retail or food service job to take me on... I get it, I do. Everyone else is ridiculously successful.

It's just been a really frustrating year. No job prospects right now, I've done a handful of freelance things but it's not enough to live off

I've also had to try and come to terms with the fact that my mental illness is more severe than I'd thought and may or may not ever be manageable enough for me to hold down a normal job or maintain a relationship.
And I found out recently I'm not able to have kids, and I can't legally adopt because of things in my mental health history.
Just a lot of crushed dreams I guess. I'm burnt out and I'm sick of having to defend myself when everyone in my family constantly tells me what a disappointment I am to them.

Ok, I've snipped the heck out of this.
Your parents may be concerned that you're not doing the stuff the others are. Stop, hold on there. Because your parents see: Oh, they're paying for themselves and aren't scared like you. Hm. We want you to not be scared. How can we phrase this badly?.
Think like that- they want to see you not have to worry. So you tell them:
"Thanks for the concern."
"Thanks for the concern, I've got it from here."
"Thanks for the concern, my doctor and I have it covered."
"Thank you, now shut the hell up and let's talk about foot ball. "

"Yes, I heard your opinion about Billy's new shiny car, and that I should get one soon. I'll keep that in mind. "(who says you do? That's a polite way to change subject there)

About job stuff:
"Oh, I've been looking"
"Yes, thank you for that tip."
"Oh, I'm working on it"
You may find that there aren't other topics you can really use around your parents - since this is so stuck in their head. Can you find some you can talk about? Like - you've seen some super cool movies this year, and you're amazed at the CGI used. Or you went to a museum and saw a plane your grandparents helped assemble.

Being single:
"I have other priorities right now"
"Oh things happen at the right time"
"I'm keeping myself busy with friends and family"
And of course, the stink eye - why do you need to know?
Keep in mind topics to change TO.

Being mentally ill:
"This is a big thing going on in my life, but I'm handling it quite well. Thanks for your concern. Now, did you see that weird ass hat at the big wedding?"
"Thank you, I'll keep that in mind"
"Oh really, I'll look into that"
You acknowledge their thoughts and they get a yay feeling. Then you change the subject and stop talking about it.

This is hard. Trust me. It boils down to Not Biting The Bait. Not Arguing About Shit. Telling them Nicely To Shut Up. Redirecting The Conversation.

I had to do this with my dad recently. His beef with me is that "You don't talk to your sister enough; she's BLOOD, you NEED TO". And that is what he really really wants to shove down my throat.
I just responded, "Yes, I've heard. That subject is closed."
Blarghel you need to sister blood relative
"That subject is closed."
Blargel answer me dammit
"That subject is closed." See, if I answered, it would spark a debate, everyone would get huffy and just ruin it all. Why argue when you know it's not going to go good..or that you're not "fast" enough to really catch yourself arguing, or to redirect it? Who says you have to answer to anyone when they snap their fingers??
I just repeated this with my dad. He got frustrated and finally I said, "this subject is closed, we're going out to play, would you like to come along?" He did not bring it up again.
See? I didn't bite, I kept it neutral, decided to not answer due to possible outcome, and told him pretty much I had it under control.

You can do that, it's practice. If you need to remove yourself, do so. Yell holler barlghe mean yell "Excuse me. I need to go to Noobleburger. I'll be back later." Go outside, sit somewhere. You don't need to stand there and get shot.

[SuperRTL]

You can also keep my standard answer of Fuck You, Next Question. I've had to use it to shut down my parents on multiple occasions. After a few times, they get the hint. Pretty much what DC said, just a bit more succinct.

[Seshat]

I vote for option 3. None of the above.

* Find out who in your neighbourhood or among your friends will be alone on the holidays. Organise a potluck holiday do.

* Find out which organisations are running christmas charities you agree with. Volunteer for them. Spend the week delivering presents or dishing out dinner for those below the poverty line.

* Talk to your local old peoples' home/nursing home/children's hospital/assisted living facility. Volunteer to be company for the residents who aren't getting company these holidays.

* Go to your local animal shelter. At least in Australia, they get overwhelmed during the holiday period, and it doesn't help that half their volunteers are away.

None of these will be EASY to do. But they're all worthwhile.

[BlaqueKatt]

I agree with der cute's suggestions and a few of the ones I've had to use myself:

"I am aware of the path X chose in life, I myself am content for the time being with the path I have chosen."

"I do not make life decisions by committee, my life is a dictatorship, no one gets to vote on it."

"I do not judge my successes or failures against those of others, I prefer to set my own standards for myself, as I am my own person and it is not up for discussion."(for me with as bad as my depression is I count getting out of bed as a huge success-yay me!)

[BeenThereDoneThat]

for me with as bad as my depression is I count getting out of bed as a huge success-yay me!

QFT, and yay you for sure! My husband thinks I sleep too much and I'm sure I do but I DO get out of bed eventually and most days I get at least one or two productive things done. I also work my call center job at least 30 hours a week (usually closer to 40), and my website work at home job a few hours a week. I am far from perfect but dammit, I do try. People who don't have depression just don't get it.

[Buglady]

I agree with Seshat (she has brought the Wisdom, as usual!). You don't have to spend time with people who hurt you, just because they share a bunch of genetic material with you. Would you spend 5 minutes with a stranger who acted like that? Of course not!

Let your relatives find another scapegoat this year (and look up the original meaning of that word, by the way; it's interesting...). It's time for you to take care of you. That may mean finding a different celebration to attend, it may mean curling up with eggnog and a good book, it may mean going for a winter run on Christmas Day and just pounding along on the road until you outrun some of the demons (they're nasty, those guys, but no endurance whatsoever). Doesn't matter *what* you do, if it's your choice.

You will find your true family in time - it sounds like your roommates may be part of it - and you will be okay. You've had a lot to deal with this year and it's natural to be sad, even without full on depression in the picture.

If you're in Alberta you can come to my house anytime but I suspect you might be a TAD farther away than that

[Der Cute]

Seshat of course has a good plan.
But how would you "get out" of spending the holiday with them? How would you phrase it?
See, they expect you there this week. You decide to go somewhere else and not get shot. Uh oh, they're gonna call you on it.

Blargle you promised blargle guilt bargle yell
"I'm sorry, plans have changed" (acknowledge they're pissed but be vague) Or, "I'm not able to this year"


Blargle you promised blargle guilt bargle yell WHAT CHANGED
"I'm sorry, plans have changed." (do not bite the bait here, it will turn into arguments and headaches.)


Blargle you promised blargle guilt bargle yell NAME CALLING
"I'm sorry, plans have changed. I need to go now, the cat is on fire. Gbye" (you sign off without biting the name calling and slinging shit BACK at them)


Blargle you promised blargle guilt bargle yell CALL AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN
Who said you answer the phone? You told them once, so that's that.


Blargle you promised blargle guilt bargle yell DOORSTEP
Two choices: Answer door and have generic phrases handy, or don't answer door.

This DOES depend on how far you want to ditch them. If you decide this is just No Xmas Party, you could inject, "maybe next year" in those "Plans changed" phrases (oh, and it's not a promise either!).

1. Hold off from this party - "plans changed, maybe next year"
2. Hold off from this party, and gatherings with specific people - "plans changed, I'm busy that day" You don't want to deal with Uncle Bob, the asshole.
3. Hold off from a lot of parties in future - "Plans changed. Occupied. Busy. Traveling (to your back yard). Oh, did you see the fireworks?"

You may be confronted LATER about why you're avoiding this. You have choices there too, but let's focus on party now.

Write those phrases down and keep them by the phone. Do your best to not bite bait, to raise voice or to sound pouty. Voice should be like a happy greeting "Oh hi, how ya doing" with a bit of slight guilt and sadness at the end of the phrase. (Promise I'm not being patronizing)