How much is too much?

[Thuringwethyl]

Seems like my boyfriend's mutual female friend lets him know of her issues one at a time.

He told me this today.

She recently told him she has schizophrenia, which she takes medication for, & that she recently had a seizure. She recently went to her doctor, who put her on medication for seizures.

My boyfriend told me he & her mutual male friend have to remind every day to take her medications.

So in addition to schizophrenia & seizures, she has autism, & she is hypoglycemic.

I have to delurk because I'm practically spluttering at this update. I can't decide if I want to rescue your boyfriend from this emotional vampire or thwap him upside the head for being...just...SO...NICE. And stupid.

I don't see how he can actually believe this. I truly don't understand; you put up with far more than I could.

[morgana]

"Emotional vampire" is an excellent description of this chick from your posts, Snuggle. She doesn't want a 'helping hand', she wants a slave. If she just wanted 'help', she'd be working more than she is on helping herself.

I also call bullshit on most of what she's saying. How much of what she's telling your boy does he have independent evidence for? I could go through all these posts one by one and point out where she's using him. (Or very much appears to be, at least.) I've got at least three of the problems she's reporting, and I fend for myself whenever I possibly can. That "I'm so helpless" routine . . . just undermines every woman out there.

(Okay, I need to get down off this soapbox before I get a nosebleed.)

How you're going to get all that through the head of your helpful idiot, er, boyfriend, however, I have no clue.

Have you told him how his spending all this emotion/time/care on her instead of you is making you feel?

[auntiem]

I think I know how you can get thru to your bf about this manipulative behavior:
Sit down with him and a calendar. List out the following: when does she "reveal" a new problem?, when do you come to visit?, when does he say he can't do something for her because of X reason? when does he suggest a specific solution or way to get help? when does he tell you about the new "revelations"?* and so on. Assign each kind of event a color dot sticker. Step back when you are done. I'll be you dollars to donuts that there is a very definate pattern. A friend of mine suggested this technique to me when I was in a crappy relationship and I couldn't quite figure out how I was being manipulated, but knew it was happening.

* This is important because you need to know why he is sharing this info with you - you don't even know this girl. Is he trying to ask you for help or does he want you to see what a "good guy" he is or does he feel the need to let you know all about his conversations with other women?

Also, get him on WebMD, because I can't imagine that it is neurologically and/or biochemically possible to have schizophrenia and autism in the same brain. Don't the two have completly different neuropothys?

I respectfully disagree, as I know many people who are on quite good and friendly terms with their exes. Hell, *I* am on good and friendly terms with many of my exes. Some to the point that they are still good friends of mine, and would be invited to my wedding were I to get married, and would attend said wedding.

Not all ex situations are evil and vicious and horrible. Nor does being exes automatically preclude people from being friends, even good friends, after the fact.

I wish I could have that kind of relationship with my exes, but sadly so far they have been disasters - not the exes, the attempts to keep a friendship - for various reasons. For the record, they are all great guys and I wish them well save one "evil" - well not so much evil as douchebag extrodinare guy (the one I used the above technique for).

[Solumina]

Also, get him on WebMD, because I can't imagine that it is neurologically and/or biochemically possible to have schizophrenia and autism in the same brain. Don't the two have completly different neuropothys?

This is actually something rather interesting in and of itself. It used to be that the two were viewed as being related, hell when autism was first recognized as a disorder it was believed to be a subtype of schizophrenia, but a lot has changed since then and current research seems to show that the two are mutually exclusive. That being said a lot of docs started their practices a while ago and some aren't so good at keeping on top of new research, especially if they are not a specialist in that area, so it is entirely possible for her to have received a diagnosis for both conditions.

[Tama]

Either that or she is lying to two different doctors.

[Solumina]

It is also quite possible that she self diagnosed and/or completely made it all up for attention. Honestly from what I've seen in this thread the only diagnosis that makes sense for her is histrionic personality disorder (not that I'm an expert or anything but it kind of does seem to fit).

[Beckpatton]

Just to jump in and share my thoughts. After reading all six pages of this thread, I am reminded of a girl I was friends with in highschool.

She didn't have any real friends, but when we met and I was nice to her, she latched on, and latched on tight.

Every week was some family emergency or another. She claimed to be a victim of sexual abuse, (may or may not be true, I tend to believe this part to be true), someone in her family would die, someone would fight, she'd be threatened with being kicked out.. it was non stop drama drama.

No matter what it was, it was enough to get me to sit and listen to her for hours at a time. Being the friendly polite person I was raised to be, I thought I was helping by being a shoulder to cry on. I was only 15, and still very naive, looking back now I am certain I was being emotionally manipulated. I was neglecting my other friends to spend time listening to her, I was even pulled out of class on occasion when she was having a "bad day" and the school thought I would be the best person to talk to her! ME, a 15 year old! She apparently attempted suicide, which landed her in the hospital, the school called me, and once again I was asked to miss school to go see her, as she "relies on me heavily for emotional support".

Looking back I don't know why my mother or myself didn't put our foot down. The final straw for me was when she showed up at my house after school one day, (I had actually changed schools at this point, not because of her or anything) and she said she'd been sexually assaulted on her way home. The assault allegedly took place 5 minutes from her home, but she walked 40 minutes to my house instead. Mum and I both had to testify in court on that one.

Sorry to threadjack, but my point is, this mutual female friend, from what you've said in your posts, reminds me very much of my friend way back then. Like another poster said, an emotional vampire.

Some people truly do have problems, I get that and I do what I can to help. But you have to learn how to spot the genuine cases, and the attention seeking cases. It sounds like she has a new issue every week to keep your boyfriend hooked on helping her, to ME she sounds like the attention seeker. That in itself is a problem, she obviously is insecure and has emotional issues that she feels the need to make stuff up for attention, but I find that these people need a firmer hand. They need to be told when enough is enough.

My feeling is your boyfriend needs to talk to her, and explain that he wants to help her, but he can't continue to be so heavily relied on. He can't be at her beck and call 24/7. He can only do so much, and if she won't help herself, he can't help either. As much as he would like to, some people just can't be helped.

Let her know that he is there for her, but that it's effecting his relationship with you, and she needs to find more people to include in her support network. Preferably proffessionals!

Last bit of advice, if she is looking for a way to deal with the sexual assault, and childhood abuse issues, but doesn't want to involve real life people, I can recommend a website that is very similar to this one, except it's for Sexual Assault/Abuse survivors, not survivors of sucky customers.

The address is http://pandys.org/forums/

Good luck!

[snugglegirl05]

I spent time with my boyfriend over the weekend, & he showed me a drawing that his mutual female friend gave to him to give to me. It was nice gester, but I wonder exactly why she gave it to him to give to me.

I have not taken it home.

[snugglegirl05]

Another update

I found out from my boyfriend today that the medication that his mutual female friend takes for her schizophrenia makes her have sexual thoughts. She told him how she feeling & that she did not know what to make of those feeling or how to handle those feelings. She told him this after she went to his place to ask him if she could print 30 copies of her resume from his printer. She does not have her own computer.

My boyfriend knows that she has to take medication, but he does not know the names of her medication. I did let him know that I do not want her doing anything to him.

I asked him how frequently he sees her. He told that only time he sees her is when she needs his help, which has not been that frequent since she has been very busy lately.

I do not know how she will function in Syria when she goes there in June on her church mission. I do not know if her church members or church leaders even know of her issues.

[Becks]

I'm sorry to say this, but I'm really starting to think your boyfriend is an idiot.

[trailerparkmedic]

So, pharmacology wasn't my strong point in school, but I seem to remember most psych meds having the opposite effect on sexuality.

Your boyfriend sounds either very gullible or too "nice" to say no.

[Jester]

Dr. Jester weighing in here. While I have never attended a day of medical school in my life, I DO have seven cousins who are doctors, and I watch a lot of forensic tv. Also, I have dated at least one nurse and at least one sociopath. So I feel that I am eminently qualified to comment here.*

This girl is clearly suffering from Bovinefecalitis, more commonly known as Bullshitism. It is a fairly common disease, afflicting both men and women, usually those who are profoundly insecure and desirous of attention. This disease is not known to have any external cure or treatment, as it is only curable when the afflicted patient consciously sets out to reverse their Cranial Rectal Inversion, which is a symptom known to affect those with Bovinefecalitis.

The best friends and loved ones can do for Bovinefecalitis sufferers is to leave them the space and time needed to realize that they do need to set about reversing said inversion. Until they do, nothing anyone does will have any affect other than increasing the outbreaks of Bovinefecalitis.

*About as qualified to diagnose medical issues as this girl is, but probably FAR more qualified to diagnose her "condition" than she herself is.

I wish I could have that kind of relationship with my exes, but sadly so far they have been disasters - not the exes, the attempts to keep a friendship - for various reasons. For the record, they are all great guys and I wish them well save one "evil" - well not so much evil as douchebag extrodinare guy (the one I used the above technique for).

Right. And I know that such things also happen. Not everyone can have healthy relationships with their exes. That does not mean, however, that no one can. That was my only point.

Either that or she is lying to two different doctors.

Oftentimes people like this are not only lying to other people, they are also lying to themselves. Perhaps even the doctors. Anything for the attention they clearly feel they not only want, but need.

[snugglegirl05]

Mutual female friend gives my boyfriend gifts to give to me

So far my boyfriend's mutual female friend has given him 2 gifts to give to me. While I am polite & appreciative, I just wonder why she is doing this.

[Becks]

Probably as some sort of "we're sharing a boyfriend" kind of present.

Or maybe I'm really cynical right now.

[Amusement Gal]

I'm going to bet that it's a, "totally buttering you up so you don't think I'm trying to snag your boyfriend", present. My grasp of her is that she's very dramatic, and to keep you from stopping him paying attention, she wants to make you think she's being kind, as though it might change your mind. But I'm with Becks here.