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So This year started off with a nice kick in the cooter for me.
My boyfriend and I broke up on New Years Day. We dated for just over 2 and a half years. When we met, I was not looking for a committed relationship at all. I wanted to go out and (safely and honestly) play the field. In walked my ex-boyfriend, sweeping me off my feet. I've always had a problem with commitment, and I told him so, telling him about the fact that I had cheated on a great many a guys and that since he wanted me to date only him, was he prepared for it all to end in a great big firey mess? He said that it was worth the chance. And so we dated, and moved at a fairly fast pace. I moved in with him a little less than 2 months later. About 7 months in, I screwed up and hooked up with another guy. He found out about it and it was a real rocky point in our relationship, and he was willing to try and work things out, as was I. Almost 2 years later, I fucked up again, this time no sex with another guy, but some interesting media being shared between me and a mutual friend that he found when I didn't log out of my e-mail.
This break-up is my fault and I own up to it. What gets me is that he and I talked about it, he'd be willing to take me back, but he's not willing to open our relationship up, and that's fine, but I still care about him and love him enough that I cannot lie to him again and say "It won't happen again, I promise." And even if I could fulfill that promise, I don't want to, I would be miserable. So in the end, I had to tell him that we couldn't work it out.
All day Sunday we spent laying in the bed crying and comforting each other. He wanted me to sleep in the bed next to him at first, and I tried, but I just could not sleep. We're also having a seriously hard time breaking our affectionate habits that we took for granted. Monday was more of the same, this time with more and more of our friends finding out.
I've been up front and honest with everyone, especially since most of our friends, were his friends first. A few I haven't heard from at all, and again, I don't blame a single one. There are 1 or 2 that I am completely surprised haven't called me up or come over for the sole purpose of yelling at me. A great many I am surprised are still talking with me and making sure that we're both okay.
He's been seriously generous in the fact that I have until the end of the month to move out. Unfortunately for me, none of my friends have room in the area, except for one couple, though I am hesitant to move in with them as they are not the most responsible people and I worry about the money I give them for rent and bills not going to rent and bills. My only other option is to move in with my dad, but there are a couple of reasons as to why I really, really don't want to unless it's my last resort. A big reason is the fact that the house is trashed, badly. There's also 3 cats, one of which is getting seriously old and will poop in front of my dad's bedroom door and just let fly wherever he needs to pee, so the house smells of cat piss and shit, along with it being full of dust and fur. I'm not allergic to cats or dust, but even I get stuffy when I walk into that house after about 5 minutes. Another is the fact that there's no internet. That could possibly get fixed if I were to offer to pay for the internet, and possibly get cable too though the desktop is mighty mighty old. It's also about an hour's drive from the majority of my friends with me not knowing how to drive, and at the moment being on unemployment.
If I move in with my dad, my options for a job are severely limited, especially with it being winter, and the jobs I could get I'd probably bring home what I do on unemployment and could not support myself on my own with just that.
I've seriously had some panicky moments, but now that I've had 3 days to walk around in a daze and depressed, I'm gonna get started on my gameplan. I'm gonna start applying places. Places that aren't fast food or retail as I cannot make minimum wage and not get full time hours and still expect to be able to make ends meet, even with roommates. I'm going to meet with my friends that I might be able to live with and sit down and have a serious talk with them and try and get a feel to see if I could make it work, even if for only a little while (6 months at most) and then figure out if maybe I can find a studio apartment or something and start being more adult and get a place of my own.
And a small sticking point though for me, a small bit of anger finally creeping in during the aftermath of this break up, I can't keep my dog. And I do see him as MY dog. Unfortunately though, with it being up in the air as to where I'll be going, or where I'm going will even allow a dog, I can't take him and give him a home he needs. It does tick me off though since, I'm the one who went to the SPCA and picked him out, I'm the one who usually feeds him and takes him out. After he and I decided that we were done completely, the dog was making noises to go out, and I told my ex the dog needed to go out, and he suggested rock paper scissor's as to who should take the dog out, and I told him quite simply that we were not a couple anymore and he deemed it that Finely was not my dog anymore. I have no idea if he got fed yesterday/today (Tuesday, since I am writing this at 3am on Wednesday) and as I was out all day taking care of stuff like getting a new food stamps card and going to an unemployment orientation, and then out with a friend so I wasn't alone in the house driving myself nuts with some not dangerous (no thoughts of suicide or self harm), but seriously dark though, I don't know when the last time the dog went out.
I'll be okay though, it's a new year, and a time for a much needed fresh start
My boyfriend and I broke up on New Years Day. We dated for just over 2 and a half years. When we met, I was not looking for a committed relationship at all. I wanted to go out and (safely and honestly) play the field. In walked my ex-boyfriend, sweeping me off my feet. I've always had a problem with commitment, and I told him so, telling him about the fact that I had cheated on a great many a guys and that since he wanted me to date only him, was he prepared for it all to end in a great big firey mess? He said that it was worth the chance. And so we dated, and moved at a fairly fast pace. I moved in with him a little less than 2 months later. About 7 months in, I screwed up and hooked up with another guy. He found out about it and it was a real rocky point in our relationship, and he was willing to try and work things out, as was I. Almost 2 years later, I fucked up again, this time no sex with another guy, but some interesting media being shared between me and a mutual friend that he found when I didn't log out of my e-mail.
This break-up is my fault and I own up to it. What gets me is that he and I talked about it, he'd be willing to take me back, but he's not willing to open our relationship up, and that's fine, but I still care about him and love him enough that I cannot lie to him again and say "It won't happen again, I promise." And even if I could fulfill that promise, I don't want to, I would be miserable. So in the end, I had to tell him that we couldn't work it out.
All day Sunday we spent laying in the bed crying and comforting each other. He wanted me to sleep in the bed next to him at first, and I tried, but I just could not sleep. We're also having a seriously hard time breaking our affectionate habits that we took for granted. Monday was more of the same, this time with more and more of our friends finding out.
I've been up front and honest with everyone, especially since most of our friends, were his friends first. A few I haven't heard from at all, and again, I don't blame a single one. There are 1 or 2 that I am completely surprised haven't called me up or come over for the sole purpose of yelling at me. A great many I am surprised are still talking with me and making sure that we're both okay.
He's been seriously generous in the fact that I have until the end of the month to move out. Unfortunately for me, none of my friends have room in the area, except for one couple, though I am hesitant to move in with them as they are not the most responsible people and I worry about the money I give them for rent and bills not going to rent and bills. My only other option is to move in with my dad, but there are a couple of reasons as to why I really, really don't want to unless it's my last resort. A big reason is the fact that the house is trashed, badly. There's also 3 cats, one of which is getting seriously old and will poop in front of my dad's bedroom door and just let fly wherever he needs to pee, so the house smells of cat piss and shit, along with it being full of dust and fur. I'm not allergic to cats or dust, but even I get stuffy when I walk into that house after about 5 minutes. Another is the fact that there's no internet. That could possibly get fixed if I were to offer to pay for the internet, and possibly get cable too though the desktop is mighty mighty old. It's also about an hour's drive from the majority of my friends with me not knowing how to drive, and at the moment being on unemployment.
If I move in with my dad, my options for a job are severely limited, especially with it being winter, and the jobs I could get I'd probably bring home what I do on unemployment and could not support myself on my own with just that.
I've seriously had some panicky moments, but now that I've had 3 days to walk around in a daze and depressed, I'm gonna get started on my gameplan. I'm gonna start applying places. Places that aren't fast food or retail as I cannot make minimum wage and not get full time hours and still expect to be able to make ends meet, even with roommates. I'm going to meet with my friends that I might be able to live with and sit down and have a serious talk with them and try and get a feel to see if I could make it work, even if for only a little while (6 months at most) and then figure out if maybe I can find a studio apartment or something and start being more adult and get a place of my own.
And a small sticking point though for me, a small bit of anger finally creeping in during the aftermath of this break up, I can't keep my dog. And I do see him as MY dog. Unfortunately though, with it being up in the air as to where I'll be going, or where I'm going will even allow a dog, I can't take him and give him a home he needs. It does tick me off though since, I'm the one who went to the SPCA and picked him out, I'm the one who usually feeds him and takes him out. After he and I decided that we were done completely, the dog was making noises to go out, and I told my ex the dog needed to go out, and he suggested rock paper scissor's as to who should take the dog out, and I told him quite simply that we were not a couple anymore and he deemed it that Finely was not my dog anymore. I have no idea if he got fed yesterday/today (Tuesday, since I am writing this at 3am on Wednesday) and as I was out all day taking care of stuff like getting a new food stamps card and going to an unemployment orientation, and then out with a friend so I wasn't alone in the house driving myself nuts with some not dangerous (no thoughts of suicide or self harm), but seriously dark though, I don't know when the last time the dog went out.
I'll be okay though, it's a new year, and a time for a much needed fresh start
I'd be ok with midgets kicking him with steel toed boots. But I'm being petty at this point and still upset over some things he said to me last night.
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