Is It Just Me?

[Miss_Stress]

Ok, I'm not sure if it's just me over-reacting or not, so advice would be welcome.

The problem is (again!) my dad.

His attitude towards his children is disgusting. He defers to my mum and is uber polite to her. However, he describes me and my sister as "them two." He snaps at us, and runs us down to other people, such as a cashier in the supermarket or a family friend, or even a relative. Just for the record, we have never been in trouble with the police, or brought any trouble to his door. He paints us as horrible children. I help round the house, I lend him money, and I refuse to argue with him. My sister's greatest crime is to argue back. That does not make her an "evil cow", as he recently described her.

He comes in from work, and never asks how we are. It's straight away "do my chair for me. Do this. Do that." He then has his tea cooked for him by us, and sits on his arse all night telling us to take his plates out, fetch him things, etc. No please or thank you. He speaks to us like dirt.

He has no interest in his kids either (even my mum has commented on this!) He doesn't know what subjects I am studying at Uni, and he knows nothing about either of us. When my mum tells him something about us, he'll say "I didn't know." She'll reply "because you're not interested." He then sighs and complains.

He's also got a drink problem. He comes home drunk every week, and is rude and obnoxious to everyone. We walk on eggshells around him. He even spoilt Christmas through drink. He drank a bottle of whisky, several beers and several glasses of wine. He then proceeded to vomit black stuff. Not content with that, he started a row with my mum, tried to slit his wrists, then staggered off to bed, leaving me and my mother to wash the dishes after we'd spent all morning cooking Christmas dinner.

His general attitude also is appalling. He's angry and spends most of his time getting ridiculously wound up over nothing. He bitches about my mother to everybody, yet is nice to her face. He speaks of his daughters as "them two" and bitches about us to complete strangers. He beats the dog. He cheats companies. He then says he's depressed yet won't seek medical help.

It's affecting me so much that I dread coming home. When he lets me know he's coming home, I sigh. I know that sounds awful, but he's making life miserable at home. Am I over-reacting to this?

[PawnPrincess Ardra]

I agree wholeheartedly with Patiokitty!

[Bardmaiden]

No you aren't overeacting, you have a right to be treated with respect.

Thing is I know what you are feeling and where you are with this, change the dad to stepdad and you described my life in some respects from when I was five until twenty-five and I left home at twenty one. The reason I say until I was twenty five was he died of a heart attack, didn't listen to his doctors because he knew best .

My step-father abused my mother in both respects, was inconsistant with me and my sister, being nice to us then turning in an instant to nasty. Got my Mother to drag us out of our beds (often on school nights) so he could shout at her in front of us usually causing one of us or both of us to have asthma attacks from the stress. Drank a lot often causing him to be worse. My reaction to this was to become as quiet and unnoticable as possible to prevent him from using me as a target, something I am still trying to deal with to this day.

My mother has expressed guilt at not being able to protect us/remove us from this but I understand her reasons. An abused woman who had her seriously ill father, two children and a dog, she couldn't find a shelter who would take all of us in and she worked with many because of her job and made enquiries.

[Emerald Knight]

I'm fortunate in that my parents don't drink to excess, but my boyfriend's Dad was a drunk and apparently pretty chauvinistic after he'd been on a binge. Didn't help that his regular drinking hole was down the road. My boyfriend never let me out of sight if we were in the same room as a result.

In all honesty I think the best thing for you would be to find a way to get out of the house and minimise contact with him. If you can afford it, go to halls for university. If not, try to plan sharing a flat with your sister and/or some friends. The sooner you get away from him, the better.

[Seshat]

That sounds like my maternal grandfather.

My abusive maternal grandfather.

Is that clear enough?

[tropicsgoddess]

You're not overreacting. Your dad needs to get help, but it seems like he's one of the types that won't go because it'll make him less of a man. If you can afford to, get the fuck outta dodge. Crash with your sister or a good friend or family member.

[AccountingDrone]

Holy shit, that reminds me of some of the Women's Christian Temperence Union's horror stories of life in an alcoholic's home in the 1910s [or since you seem to be British, Hogarth's Beer Street and Gin Lane]

Personally, your father is wanker. Big time. He needs to be dragged kicking and screaming into the latter half of the LAST century if not this century. If there was any way to keep the house and kick him to the kerb, that would be a good idea. The whole drinking until vomiting possible blood and then trying to cut his wrists would get him hospitalized in the US

[Der Cute]

Honey, you're UNDERREACTING. Overreacting is when a fly lands on your plant and screaming "omgomg Armageddon"
This is a place where you could:
1. Be quiet and leave quietly, sneaky, subtle.
2. Tell him to sod off LOUDLY

Personally I'd call the police, but that's me. Since you're an adult (am assuming since you're in Uni), I'd start hunting places to live at. And seeing if there's a way to help your sister do the same. Shoot, both of you make a project and split the responsibilities. Since he's ok with your mom and treats YOU TWO like shite, you two need to get out.

So what to do now?
Remind yourself: his judgement is off. Way off. He's so way off, there is no truth in what he speaks. "I'm sober, sane, intelligent and educated. He's just a twat." Take the high road (this part sucks) and don't comment back at him.
Make a list of what to do to move out.
If you stay, the pros are what? If you stay, the cons are what? This is self preservation; don't say "con is my mother taking crap". It would be "the con is exposing self to such stress, uni is affected" You're talking about yourself in this list.

Honey, gtfo. Do you have a counselor or someone at uni to help? This is sticky no matter what you do.
Hugs. GTFO.

[Seraph]

Dear god, you have the patience of several condensed saints. I can't say anything else that hasn't already been posted, but dear holy heavens above. Just....too much patience. D:

[Solumina]

You need to stage an intervention or get the hell out, you're in a bad situation that is most likely only going to get worse.

[Seshat]

Broken down:

His attitude towards his children is disgusting. He defers to my mum and is uber polite to her. However, he describes me and my sister as "them two." He snaps at us, and runs us down to other people, such as a cashier in the supermarket or a family friend, or even a relative.

<snippage>

Emotional abuse.

He comes in from work, and never asks how we are. It's straight away "do my chair for me. Do this. Do that." He then has his tea cooked for him by us, and sits on his arse all night telling us to take his plates out, fetch him things, etc. No please or thank you. He speaks to us like dirt.

~waggles hand~ emotional neglect or emotional abuse, insufficient information to determine.

Having the kids do household chores is not an issue. IF you are doing an unfair share of the household chores, that's an issue.
Being given chores to do and not having them acknowledged may be emotional neglect (depends on whether anyone is acknowledged - do you kids acknowledge your parents' work?).
'He speaks to us like dirt' could be emotional neglect or abuse, depending on exactly what that phrase means.

He has no interest in his kids either (even my mum has commented on this!) He doesn't know what subjects I am studying at Uni, and he knows nothing about either of us. When my mum tells him something about us, he'll say "I didn't know." She'll reply "because you're not interested." He then sighs and complains.

Emotional neglect.

He's also got a drink problem. He comes home drunk every week, and is rude and obnoxious to everyone. We walk on eggshells around him. He even spoilt Christmas through drink. He drank a bottle of whisky, several beers and several glasses of wine. He then proceeded to vomit black stuff. Not content with that, he started a row with my mum, tried to slit his wrists, then staggered off to bed, leaving me and my mother to wash the dishes after we'd spent all morning cooking Christmas dinner.

'We walk on eggshells around him': typically a sign of a household where someone is abusive.
'then proceeded to vomit black stuff': possibly vomiting blood, a good case for calling emergency and at minimum discussing it with an operator. Probably a cause for a paramedic to take him to the hospital.
'tried to slit his wrists': definite cause for calling emergency.

If he ever does anything like that again, PLEASE call emergency. Those situations indicate that he is over-drinking to a dangerous level, and that he needs psychological/psychiatric help.
Suicidal ideation only happens in two situations: when someone is seriously ill mentally, or when someone's circumstances lead to them perceiving no other way out.
(And in the latter case, there are very, very few situations where it's true.)

His general attitude also is appalling. He's angry and spends most of his time getting ridiculously wound up over nothing. He bitches about my mother to everybody, yet is nice to her face. He speaks of his daughters as "them two" and bitches about us to complete strangers. He beats the dog. He cheats companies. He then says he's depressed yet won't seek medical help.

For the dog's sake, get the dog out of there. Or get your Dad out of there. Whichever.

Anger can be one of the expressions of depression.

Legally, the only way the medical community can force treatment on your father is if he is a danger to himself or others. He is clearly a danger to the dog, and he has behaved dangerously towards himself (drinking till vomitting blood, attempting to slit his wrists).

Contact .. well, any of a number of help organisations. Your family doctor. Your local hospital's non-emergency advice line. Any nurse-advice line. Alcoholics Anonymous. The Alcoholics Anonymous sub-chapter for families of alcoholics (I forget its name). Local depression-help organisations. Local organisations for the families of abusive people. Local organisations that help abusive people. The police non-emergency line.

And for the dog's sake, rehome him with family and/or friends.

It's affecting me so much that I dread coming home. When he lets me know he's coming home, I sigh. I know that sounds awful, but he's making life miserable at home. Am I over-reacting to this?

For your own health, find a way to move out. The help organisations above may well be able to assist you.

If nothing else, if you can afford to rent a bare flat, they can supply you with furnishings. They may well be basic and mismatched and third-hand, but they'll be enough.

(It probably won't be the ones I listed about that do the actual furnishing supply, they'll just warrant to Lifeline or the Salvos or someone that you're a Person In Genuine Need.)

[Jester]

It's straight away "do my chair for me. Do this. Do that." He then has his tea cooked for him by us, and sits on his arse all night telling us to take his plates out, fetch him things, etc. No please or thank you. He speaks to us like dirt.

And you do all these things for him WHY?

And allow him to speak to you like this WHY?

Seriously, you're an adult. Time to stand up for yourself. Stop being at his beck and call, stop doing all these things for him, and stop accepting all his verbal abuse meekly.

Fuck that. And fuck him.

Are you over-reacting?

No. As you said, the problem is your dad. More exactly, your dad is, as we say in America, a fucking tool. A douchebag. An abusive asshole drunk. You don't deserve this treatment. Your siblings don't deserve this treatment. Your mother doesn't deserve this treatment, but she has made her decision to be with and to stay with your dad. You and your siblings can and should make your own decisions on how to deal with it, and with him.

If you want my opinion, I think you should do everything in your power to get the fuck out of that place as soon as fucking possible. And for the time that you stay there, it's time to start acting like an adult, which means expecting to be treated like one, and now allowing him (or anyone else) to treat you otherwise.

"But Jester, it's not that easy...."

Life rarely is. Worthwhile things rarely are. But you can choose to have things easy, and continue to accept things as they are, as abusive and fucked up as they are, or you can do the tougher thing of taking a stand as an adult that deserves a whole shit load more respect than you're getting now.

[Seshat]

My wife's father was behaving unacceptably to her. Nothing this serious! Just behaviour she wouldn't tolerate from a friend.

She decided she wasn't going to tolerate it from her father, either. Started out by warning him that if he behaved like that around her, she'd leave.

He did. So she did.

She only had to leave twice. He's since behaved perfectly politely around her.

... of course, she does have the advantage that she was just visiting him, and doesn't live under his roof.

You need to ask yourself (and your mother and sister should ask themselves) why you tolerate his behaviour. Is it a survival mechanism from when you kids were younger, and couldn't stand up for yourselves? If so, it's outdated now!

[Bardmaiden]

And you do all these things for him WHY?

And allow him to speak to you like this WHY?

Life rarely is. Worthwhile things rarely are. But you can choose to have things easy, and continue to accept things as they are, as abusive and fucked up as they are, or you can do the tougher thing of taking a stand as an adult that deserves a whole shit load more respect than you're getting now.

In my case I didn't know any different. When I got older I realised that life shouldn't be like that but things were differcult (yeah no excuse ) and I didn't know what I could do.

Then Life gave me a kick up the arse, my grandfather who lived with us died then my abusive step father made (very unwanted) advances to me and tried to stick me with (money) stuff I didn't need or want anything to do with.

So I had a massive shouting match with him and got thrown out (his view)/left the house on my own accord (mine). Moved into my dads flat (bedsit place) and got a flat though the local housing assication pretty quickly. That was twelve and half years ago and I'm still dealing with some of the stuff from when I was a kid but it was worth all the pain and arguements to be where I am now.

[Der Cute]

What does a person need to live on their own?
Food & water
Shelter
Clothing
Money or trade to fulfill those ^^.

Now. We've all told you to get the hell out of there. His behavior is UNACCEPTABLE by any standards. If you were on the street and your Dad's clone was yelling at a dog or cat outside, wouldn't you be upset thinking, "geez that's mean to them". (I promise, you're not a dog or cat! I'm trying to say that OTHER PEOPLE would think he's bad.)
Your mother ENABLES this. She's passive; she's not standing up and telling him, "Bob shut the heck up you DO NOT speak to your kids like that yabber dada". She's just letting him do this. He shows his love to her, great, he treats you like shit, not great...but she's just standing there. She's at least as bad as he is. (my mother did the same thing).

The longer you stay there, knowing that he's behaving badly and just an all around git, you will be more angry at yourself and resenting life. "I hated every minute of that place but I was stuck. And I couldn't get out and was tortured with this". Make sense? That's what will happen. Or, "one more day onemoreday onemoreday AAAAAAAA" *splodey*.

So. He's not a murderer, but he's damn near one. He's killing your morale, outlook, patience, sanity..all that jazz.
What do you do about it?

You could just pack a bag and bail, couch hop for the rest of the term.
You could quietly pack up and gradually move out.
You could quietly pack up and leave at end of term.
You could do any of that. I'd pick B or C.
As I asked above, what do you need to live? If you do B or C, you'll have a bit more time to figure out where the food and shelter are from. Just running out the door, you'll be on survival mode (more than today's) and won't be great for Uni.
Check bank accounts, make sure they're yours. Update passport. Get birth cert and ID tucked away.
Use all resources at Uni to find a new place to live. Even if you have to cut your hours at school by half so you can work to eat...do it.
Look. Do NOT start thinking, "Mom..oh boy, how's she going to do this?" Do Not. She's been with him for how long? She knows how to deal with him, and has CHOSEN to stay there, she could have left ages ago. Don't start "I have to make sure THEY'RE ok" No. You cover YOUR arse first, and then assist. If you really need to, talk to your sister and make an exit plan. But she may not want to. It's up to her.
Find shelter. Find food. Money will come in. Get out of the toxic environment.
Hey. If you knew mustard gas was leaking, you'd leave the building, yes? Same. This just eats at your soul, not your body.