counseling-related suggestions needed

[KellyHabersham]

To make this short - my daughter has been wanting to see a counselor for some time, and we were finally able to get ahold of someone.......her first appointment is next week. I'm not sure how much my mom or I will be involved in these sessions, but since I'm sure the counselor will want to talk to us at some point, I've been working on a list of things which I feel are affecting Heather. And so I was just wanting to get some input on whether or not these are things which would be appropriate to bring up.

- my mom is NOT always very diplomatic about the way she expresses herself, and many times she says things which just make the situation worse. I think she also forgets that there is a huge age difference between her and Heather, and that things were different when she was that age.

- people aren't always careful with what they say to or about me when Heather's around, she sometimes misinterprets things, and has gotten the idea that I'm a slut, mentally slow,....etc. I feel that she's picked up on this over the years, and it's hard to be a good parent to her when she notices that I don't always get treated/considered like a "normal" adult.

[trailerparkmedic]

If you're worried about it, bring it up, but keep it focused on Heather and how it's affecting her. I just LOVED it when my parents would say things like "I don't know why TPM is upset when her sister doesn't have any problems with <issue>."

When I was in therapy as a teenager, my parents were in a good chunk of the first session and then periodic updates both with and without me.

[Solumina]

I don't really know the background of your situation so I can't really offer any specific help but when I was seeing a psychologist while I was young (elementary school) my parents weren't really involved in the sessions, they were all one on one (my parents essentially observed the first session). My parents just kind of told him of anything that they were concerned about or let him know how things were going, taking 5 minutes tops and then they were out of the door.

[Seshat]

It's quite likely that the sessions will be private between the counsellor and your kid. That's okay.

Do express your own concerns: but ultimately it's Heather's life and wellbeing the counsellor is focussing on, and how Heather feels about her circumstances and situation.

That said, both of the things you mentioned just now are things which would have a big impact on her life and wellbeing. So yes, discuss them with the counsellor by all means!


Now...

As Heather progresses, you may notice that she starts talking in 'formulas'.
She might start bringing up problems in the household using the formulas 'When you do X, I feel Y. Would it be possible for you to do Z instead?' or 'When X happens, I feel Y. Can we try Z?'
This sort of thing (define situation, express feelings using 'I' language, recommend solution) is a common form of assertiveness training. A way to teach people to express their own needs in a manner that respects both themselves and other people.

In 'listening' training, she will probably start 'reflecting' what you and your mother say. You'll say something, she'll say 'I hear that you're saying X, is that right?'. If you're not prepared for it, that might 'sound' odd. The ideal response is either 'yes' and then let her respond to X, or 'actually, I mean almost-X', which she will either respond to, or reflect back again.

There are other 'formulas' that are used for other elements of communication training as well; and some that are used for 'helpful thinking' training.

Please be patient with it. Over time, Heather will develop a less formulaic way of asserting herself (or whichever other thing). In the meantime, when she takes the time and effort to frame something in the formula; please make a special point of listening. She'll be trying to do things 'right' and an 'adult/mature' way.

[KellyHabersham]

*just a brief update*

had the first counseling session on Monday, and so far things seem to be going well.......I don't expect instant improvement, but Heather seems to like this woman, and I have positive thoughts about it.

The only negative aspects (on my end) are that when my mom mentioned reasons behind my having initially moved out, she said it was to "help me learn to be independent", and when she mentioned briefly mentioned my issues, she made me sound a bit......."special needs". (Heather even noticed/mentioned this to me later)