Am I being selfish?

[MoonCat]

I've posted before about my co-worker, I'll call her Betty. Betty has numerous health problems, plus a parent in a nursing home whose care she is deeply involved in. Betty can be kind of a drama queen, but I've known her for years and she is at heart a very decent, generous woman.

Betty and another co-worker, Wilma, have an on-again, off-again friendship. Wilma is a narcissist with a big streak of passive-aggressive going on. Whenever Wilma wants to let off steam, she calls Betty and talks her ear off for two hours. It's all me-me-me with a huge side of "you take too many medications, you need to stop talking to so-and-so because she's a bitter bitch, you need to do this and that and the other thing..." Because Wilma is an expert on everything, dontcha know?

All this gets Betty very upset. She then calls ME and wants to dump a boatload of angst on me, thereby ruining my evening, and sometimes my digestion. So I don't pick up the phone when I see her number on the screen. I've told her to cut Wilma short & not listen to her yammer for two hours--which advice she took all of once.

So my question is, am I being mean or selfish not to call her back? If I do, it's an hour at least, if not more, unless I take my own advice and cut her off, which is hard to do when someone is crying in your ear. I don't want to spend half my evening dealing with this. I'm not a free therapist. I have other things to do. And I'm going to hear all about it the next day at work anyway, whether we talk about it on the phone or not.

I have not told her not to call me. I can't think of a way to say it without sounding mean. Betty is ultra-sensitive and will probably cry if I tell her I don't want to talk to her after work. And, yes, I am aware that I'm making excuses not to tell her, but I don't want to hurt her. I just want her to grow up and deal with her problems.

What say you?

[lachesis]

I have dealt with a few people similar to your co-worker Betty, and also with people like co-worker Wilma.

The reaction you are having with Betty is one of emotional draining. You simply cannot emotionally deal with her crying and being upset because you are to the point of wanting to help by giving advice, empathizing with her for her situation, and rolling your eyes all at the same time.

So... my advice? Give her your opinion on how she should deal with Wilma. Convey that it seems like Wilma is only a fair-weather friend and she shouldn't have to justify herself to someone that is only using her as a sounding board and there is no give/take relationship there.

She needs to stand up for herself when being verbally attacked by Wilma. When she realizes this, she will realize she may be doing the same to you with the sounding board give/take relationship.

With my emotional vampire (sucking all the energy out of you, asking for advice, and then - the most frustrating part - NOT taking my advice she said she so desperately needed), I cut her off for a time. I'm not saying this is something you should do completely, but weaning away the contact might be in order if she does not heed your advice.

It kind of sounds like you're already starting to do that. You may have to even be so blunt as to say "I'm sorry Betty, but now is not a good time for me. I hope you'll be ok, but like I told you before, Wilma is not a good friend to you if she's attacking you for This, That, and the Other Thing. It's none of her damn business and you need to tell her so. If she were truly your friend, she'd know how much saying those things actually hurt you. Ok then, I have to Do This now, so I'll see you tomorrow and WE WILL HAVE A GOOD STRESS FREE DAY with LOTS of POSITIVITY and SMILING, right?? "

When she starts on it tomorrow? "Betty, positivity, remember? Isn't it a beautiful sunny day today?"

I wish you luck... It is NOT easy dealing with someone like that, especially when you work with that someone.

ETA: In answer to your thread title, you are not in any way being selfish! You shouldn't be dragged into this drama as it's not your problem. You are trying to be a good person by helping out someone who you think ultimately is a decent person who doesn't deserve to be treated so harshly be another person. You're going with the flow and taking things in stride. You are doing way more than you really have to. Keep strong, she will learn that you're not going to take the same treatment as she gets from Wilma and ease back on the drama sooner or later. Sometimes people are all about the reaction they get from the drama as opposed to the actual drama going on in their life!!! In all actuality, their life isn't all that dramatic, it's just life!

[MoonCat]

Lachesis, you've pegged it exactly. That's Betty and Wilma to a "T." Funny thing, too, just the other day Betty told me she was going to just do her work and not get involved with anybody else's drama. I thought, great! She's starting to get it! Not so much, I guess. But I will try redirecting her as you suggested. It's worth a try. Thank you!

[lachesis]

You're very welcome, MoonCat. As I've said, I have dealt with both types of people and the best way I've found is to maintain the optimism and not to let them dwell on the drama they thrive on. Bonus: When Wilma finds out she has no one to alternately bully and vent to because Betty just won't let her, she will also change her tune and people will start to like her a little more.