Matter on interpretation

[Crescent Cat]

This is a little long winded but if you can stick it out and read the whole thing, I'd appreciate that. I just can't seem to figure out if the problem lies with me or the way people structure their sentences. And if it's the latter, what do I do about it?


I've always had a little trouble interpreting what people are trying to tell me. It doesn't happen all the time but if there's even a bit of vagueness or ambiguity in what someone says there's a good chance I'm going to misinterpret it. A while ago I made a post about my horrible boss (who thankfully got fired) and I'm going to pull some examples from it. I'm not trying to reignite something that's long dead but it is a good source of examples that I think will help people understand what I mean.

She instructed me to assist one of our consumers in the shower. She said that she didn't need me to do everything for her but to "help her with her hair".

My understanding of that was "lather her hair for her and let her rinse it out" because after all, I would be helping her do that. If I were to lather and rinse her hair I would be doing it for her, which is not helping. So my understanding of "helping" is assisting someone with something they have difficulty with but allow them to do the rest themselves. In the dictionary the definition is "to give support or assistance" which isn't too far off from my own.

However, the supervisor actually meant for me to do the entire process of lathering and rinsing. Had she said "wash her hair" I would've understood. The reason I bring this example up is because when I made that post here there were some people that understood that by her saying "help her with her hair" she actually meant "wash it for her".

Okay - now that I've sort of clarified my thought process I'm going to shorten my examples up.

Example 2:

Boss: Give this card to the cashier first.

My interpretation: During the transaction process, give this card first then give the credit card for payment.

What she actually meant: Give the card before anything is rung up.

Derp.

Example 3:

Friend: (talking about the school year in the Philippines) The breaks are usually a week long. They go from May to April.

My interpretation: The breaks go from May to April?! That's a hella long break! Much longer than a week.

What she actually meant: The students go to school from May to April with week long breaks in between terms.

(Note - something like that. It's been a while since I had that conversation so I may have messed up the academic year but you get the point)

Example 4:

(A conversation regarding a client in the electronic work notes)

CW: Should we increase the (such 'n such) since our client is not seeing any results or should we keep our client where she's at?

Supervisor: no increase please. (written exactly like that)

My interpretation: Our supervisor does not want an increase.

What she actually meant: No, increase please.

No, (answering the second part of the last sentence)
increase please. (her instructions)

Okay, that's the end of the examples. Now I've gotten a lot of shit from people for my misinterpretations. Usually from the people I'm misunderstanding but a few times from bystanders or people I talk to at a later time. This is just a taste of what life is like for me when I have conversations with people.

So now I have a question.

Is it me? Is it just me? Is there something wrong with the way I'm understanding words and they way they're used?

To me the way I understand things makes sense but to everyone else I am told that I just "should've known" what that person meant or that I need to pay attention.


But I am paying attention. I am listening. I just don't understand why it's so hard for me to understand.

Perhaps I need to pay more attention to the context in which someone's speaking? Okay, I can do that. I will make a conscious effort to do that. However, I find it a little depressing that I have to take time to stop and think "Okay, I heard what he said. But what did he mean?"

Please tell me I'm not the only one that has to put up with this on a daily basis.

[Eisa]

Um...I can't help you like fix it or anything, but NO, YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE. Thank Gawd I'M not the only one! I do that all the time. If there is a way to mis-interpret something, then I will mis-interpret it, guaranteed!

[Gerrinson]

(A conversation regarding a client in the electronic work notes)

CW: Should we increase the (such 'n such) since our client is not seeing any results or should we keep our client where she's at?

Supervisor: no increase please. (written exactly like that)

My interpretation: Our supervisor does not want an increase.

What she actually meant: No, increase please.

No, (answering the second part of the last sentence)
increase please. (her instructions)

This one was definitely the supervisor. It should have been 'Yes, we should increase' or just 'Increase please'. I would have interpreted the same way you did.

As for the others, if someone says 'Give this card first' my interpretation is that it would be the very first you do in the transaction, but clearly it could go either way. If I had said something like to you, I'd have apologized for my own vagueness not given you a hard time for misunderstanding. But then, I'm able to see the difference.

The school term example, I'd have asked for clarification, since May to April is clearly much longer than a week.

Perhaps you should start repeating things back to people by paraphrasing so as to communicate what you heard? For example:

Supervisor: Give this card to the cashier first.

You: Okay, so I give this card to the cashier before I give them the credit card?

This way you give people a chance to see the way you heard their instructions vs. what they meant to say. Obviously this will not be of any help with poorly written instructions, like with the system notes example.

[Treasure]

ask for clarification...
like in the 1st example - boss said "help" but meant "wash".... you could've asked "can she do it herself or do I need to do it for her?"

what is taught in both therapy and "communication" courses, is to repeat back what you heard and what your understanding is
"you said X, I understand that as Y, are we agreed, or do you mean Z?"
you have to both train yourself to understand what they're not saying, and train them to say what they mean...

you are not alone...
my family is really bad about asking an either/or question and getting a yes/no answer..... this usually means either we only heard 1/2 the options, or that we're being a smartass and want both, but instead of saying "both" we answer "yes"

[MoonCat]

It's NOT YOU. They are not being clear or providing enough details. On top of that, if they're giving you shit because you "should have known," they are also being sucky. You can't read minds. All of your examples could have been interpreted more than one way and people need to be clear when giving instructions.

Honestly, I don't think there's a thing wrong with you! Many people communicate poorly and make assumptions, and that's what they were doing. As suggested, you could ask for clarification by repeating what they said and offering your interpretation of it, giving them a chance to be more accurate. But, I repeat, IT'S NOT YOU.

[Seshat]

I am a trained professional technical writer.

The English language is full of ambiguities, and of places where ambiguity is possible. This makes it a perfect language for poetry and artistry - and an awful language for technical writing or for providing direction or instruction.

Your examples all included ambiguity.

A large part of learning to write technical manuals and other technical documents is developing the skill of writing English in an unambiguous manner. Which sometimes involved convoluted sentences like that last one.

I agree with Treasure: reflect what they said, what you understood, and (if you can) one of the alternate possibilities. Make them explain which they wanted.

[Crescent Cat]

I often do repeat what was said to me as I understood it and guess what? I get crapped on for that too because it either annoys the person to have to listen to what they "clearly" () just said or if I did misinterpret it they are frustrated that I "wasn't listening".

So I suppose it really is a matter of people being asses and there's nothing I can do to prevent that. If it's a social situation I'll usually be a smartass right back at them but I'm trying to think of how I can handle it in a professional setting. It's one of the anxieties I have about going back to school and getting a career in med. technologies. The people I work with right now are rather laid back so its not as much of an issue but the further up I go in the professional world the more fearful I become of how I can handle this without getting myself written up/fired/black balled.

The example I had regarding the written instructions was actually written by a doctor regarding a patient. I wanted to avoid saying that due to HIPAA and such (even though there's no way of identifying the patient but I still like to be cautious) but in order to illustrate how I could approach that situation I feel it necessary to bring up.

I was thinking something along the lines of this would be appropriate :

"Excuse me, Dr. Blank. The way you had written your directions was very misleading and it lead me to come to a conclusion opposite of what you meant. Can you please be a little more careful so there's no risk of misinterpretation in the future?"

It seems nice and respectful while getting the point across. I would've tried it were it not for two things. One - I am extremely nervous about getting into any confrontation and especially when it is with someone ranking higher than myself. I tend to avoid them if at all possible. Two - the regular MA of the doctor understood it perfectly so that really doesn't leave me with a whole lot of credibility. I guess she's just used to the doctor's poor writing but that doesn't change the fact that it's written poorly and could lead to issues with the patient.

Slightly off topic but I can't help but wonder - If a situation like this were to ever go to court, would the doctor be held accountable for poorly written instructions for the MA for not interpreting them? I would hope the former but I've come to expect the innocent to be getting screwed.

Back on topic, what would be the best way to handle something like this in a professional setting? What would you do if a coworker or boss spoke to you ambiguously and then got frustrated with you for misunderstanding his instructions?

[Amethyst Hunter]

It isn't just you. I do this ALL the time - it's just how my brain is wired. I often interpret things differently than from how the speaker is thinking.

If I'm confused on something, I ask them to repeat it with clarification. I HAVE to, otherwise I'm guaranteed to screw up their request.

Some folks are just wired a certain way that works *for them*. We're perfect examples of that.

[Solumina]

After a while you kind of learn to know what people mean even when it isn't exactly what they say so it makes sense for their regular MA to understand what the doctor meant, even when it wasn't clear.

I've been told by many bosses, coworkers, and teachers that I have excellent communication skills and yet with your all of examples #3 was the only one where I was able to correctly figure out what the person meant to say. It seems to me that you aren't the problem here, they aren't communicating clearly, but with you being as conflict avoident and them being kind of childish when you ask for clarification it is going to be difficult for you to get things to change. It may be a good idea for you to just straight out say that you sometimes have difficulty understanding what they mean (acknowledging that there is a problem without placing blame) and that it helps you to rephrase the request and ask them if that is correct, hopefully if you clearly explain why you are doing it they will respond better.

[Seshat]

Get some help for your conflict avoidant traits. You're going to have to be able to stick to your guns assertively, here.

It sounds to me as if you are handling the situation professionally; but I'm not able to watch you do it. I suspect you need to have someone who's familiar with assertiveness training and treating conflict avoidance to watch you, and help you with subtle aspects of body language.

[Food Lady]

If all those examples are in written form, I interpret them the way you do because the other people's sentence structuring is incorrect. I find mistakes like that often in advertising. However, if I were a part of the conversations, I would understand what those people meant. Or I would be the one phrasing it so (I would say "help her with her hair" to indicate washing it for her. I don't know why.) I have no idea how I would know what they meant as opposed to what they said. It must be visual cues or intonation or something.

[Kittish]

Once again, it's not just you. In all of the examples cited, it's very easily possible to interpret in multiple ways what the speaker or writer meant. People being so ambiguous is one of my biggest pet peeves. Semantics and sentence structure MATTER. 'Let's eat Eva.' is entirely different from 'Let's eat, Eva.'

Repeating your interpretation back to them and asking if that is correct is probably the best way to go, and if you catch grief for doing so, simply tell the person that 'I'm sorry, but I wanted to be certain that I understood your instructions clearly so that I would perform (whatever action) the way you wanted it done.' This avoids placing any blame, but clearly and politely tells the person that jumping down your throat about the matter is unprofessional and unacceptable.

Coaching on the conflict avoidance is also a suggestion that I would second or third or whatever number we're up to here. Sometimes you just GOTTA stand up and (politely, of course) get right back in someone's face when they get in yours. I learned that the hard way, by spending 5 years driving an 18 wheeler at a time when solo female drivers were very nearly unheard of in the industry.

[Eisa]

If all those examples are in written form, I interpret them the way you do because the other people's sentence structuring is incorrect. I find mistakes like that often in advertising. However, if I were a part of the conversations, I would understand what those people meant. Or I would be the one phrasing it so (I would say "help her with her hair" to indicate washing it for her. I don't know why.) I have no idea how I would know what they meant as opposed to what they said. It must be visual cues or intonation or something.

And this is my problem. Not sure if it's yours as well, OP?

In person, I wouldn't understand what they meant at all. It's like there's something missing in my brain that allows me to understand that. And it becomes really awkward and really old, really fast to have to constantly ask people for clarification. Business settings would be one thing, but people tend to get annoyed in personal life stuff to be constantly asked what they meant, basically. -sighs-