How do I let someone down gently?

[AriGriffin]

I was thinking about starting a writing club at the library I work at in an attempt to get more people to come in. Last week, my co-worker, G, heard about it and told me she is taking a creative writing class. She said she wanted me to read the stories she has written for her class assignments and critique them. The professor keeps sending them back and 'hurting her feelings.' I told her I didn't feel comfortable with doing it, but she insisted. She said I wouldn't hurt her feelings because I am such a great person. She also kept asking me if I knew of any publishers that were accepting children's stories because she wanted to publish them.

She brought her stories in on Thursday and told me to take them home and read them. I tried to get out of it, but she refused to take no for an answer. I read the first page and knew I was in trouble.

The names, plot, grammar, spelling, and descriptions are horrible. She is overly descriptive in places where it isn't needed and then doesn't give enough when it is needed. The language she uses is outdated. She said the story is for kids ages 9-14, but the tone of it makes me think it is for four-year-olds.

The plot, is (highlight): Annabelle Adorable, 10, is a cub reporter with the local paper, Joyful News. She goes to pick up her friend, Cleaver Deaver, 6, so that they can go to the mall and Cleaver can buy a pair of cowboy tennis shoes with horses on the side and a picture of a cowboy on the toe that 'are the rage among the younger set.' Oh, Annabelle drives a hot pink, Go-Mobile. When A picks up C, he has a bag of his favorite snack- roasted peanuts. A notices smoke coming from C's neighbor's house. A wants a story, so she tells C to stay in the car, calls the fire department using her hot pink cell phone that she got out of her hot pink purse, and goes to investigate the fire. Neighbor says it is a kitchen fire, so A returns to find C missing. A follows a trail of peanut shells the 'six or eight blocks' it takes to get to the mall. A finds 'the lost one' at the mall, asleep on a bench. She wakes him up, tells him he shouldn't have wandered off, he cries, and they go buy the cowboy shoes he wanted. End of story.

A is only with the neighbor for less than two minutes. She is driving her go-mobile car- she should have easily caught up with C since he was walking and eating shelled peanuts the whole 'six or eight blocks' it took for him to get to the mall. Can the average ten-year-old fit in one of those motorized toy cars? Do you know of any ten-year-old girls that are friends with five-year-old boys? :

There are a few more stories, but I haven't brought myself to fully read them (I just skimmed them), but I could tell they were just as boring as the first.

I really don't want to hurt G's feelings, but her stories are terrible. G is old enough to be my grandma and she scares me sometimes. I don't think I am going to do the writing club after all. How should I go about telling her?

[kansasgal]

I have been put in the same situation at school, where people ask me to 'edit' their papers before they hand them in, and then complain because the 'editing' is so heavy.

There is no way to win this one. If you tell her that her stories are okay but not something you would like, she will say that you are jealous. If you tell her that the stories are crap and won't get published anywhere, she will say you are jealous.

I would simply tell her that you are not the best person to give an opinion on these stories, and that she should seek some professional advice as to publishing.

Then tell her you have re-thought the whole writing club thing, and decided you don't have time to commit to it right now, so it will not be happening.

Good luck..

[Seshat]

I always ask people if they want a 'professional' critique or a 'friendly' critique. And I let them know that with a professional critique, I won't be pulling punches, and I will hurt their feelings.

So I'd recommend doing just that.

If she says she wants a friendly critique, then tell her that she might need to update the stories for the modern era, and that she probably needs to make the protagonists' ages match the ages of the desired audience: but other than that give her what positive feedback you can, and encourage her to read them to her family and friends.

If she wants professional critique ... don't give her so much that you totally quash her spirit. Choose two things to criticise - one which will give her stories immediate improvement and one which is just egregiously horrible. Find one thing to praise, even if it's something as nebulous as 'characterisation' or 'dialogue'. DO tell her that her stories will need more work even after those two things are fixed, but that those are the ones to work on right now.

And if her feelings are hurt .. well. That's life.


Or if you don't want to do that, tell her that you don't feel capable of providing honest criticism to someone who doesn't want their feelings hurt. And make it clear that that applies to everyone, not just her.

[Jester]

There are two options here. You can be diplomatic, as suggested by Seshat above, and tell her you don't think you are capable of critiquing her writing. Or, if she INSISTS on you doing so, as she INSISTED on you reading them, then you have to tell her the brutal, honest, Simon Cowell truth: her stories are absolute rubbish. I wouldn't let my grand nephew near them for fear of them causing him permanent brain damage, and he's only 3 months old.

Of course, you might want to say the above more diplomatically than I have.

There's a reason why some of my friends won't ask my opinion on things. And there's a reason why a lot of them do: I am brutally, painfully honest. (I only have one female friends who ever asks me if something makes her look fat, which she won't ask her husband because he can't win with that, but I have no problem telling her if it does or doesn't....which is why she asks me.)

[RecoveringKinkoid]

If this person wanted an honest critique, she would not be

1. Complaining that a professional writing teacher "hurt her feelings"
2. Prefacing her request that you critique her writing with "you're too nice to hurt my feelings."

That's basically code (deliberate or not) for "please just pat me on the back and allow me to continue in the fantasy that I am a talented writer."

Most people who ask for "honest" critiques actually want smoke blown vigorously up their asses.

Now, having said that, some people do honestly want you to be honest. Usually, those people can actually write. The reason they can actually write is because they seek and heed constructive criticism, view their own work with a critical eye, and study good literature to find out why it's good.

I bolded the first one for relevancy to this conversation. Clearly your friend is not doing this. If she is getting her feelings hurt, she either needs to stop writing or stop showing it around. She needs to take her pick. Because if she's that thin skinned and unable to take a punch, those are her only options.

If someone actually gets an honest, and possibly brutal critique from me, it does not mean I don't think they can write. It means I DO think they can write. Because otherwise, I wouldn't waste my time or theirs giving one.

Which brings me to this: If the person can't even craft a respectable paragraph when they're writing, can't even learn grammar in the language they speak, and can't even be bothered to run a spell check, there's nothing you or I can do for them. They have more problems than a simple critique, no matter how brutal, can fix. So don't bother. Give them a simple "It's very nice. I like how you had that talking elephant in there (or whatever.) Good luck with it." And then I just get along with my life and don't look back. That's about all you can do.

Personally, I think your biggest problem isn't how to let her down, it's how to stay out of this problem in the first place. Do not ever think someone won't take no for an answer. I can tell you with confidence that they can and they do. If you don't want to critique someone's work, just tell them you don't do that, particularly for friends because it can breed hard feelings. Which is the absolute truth. And then do not do it. Unless she's holding a gun to your head, there's no reason to take someone's stuff to read once you've said you can't do it.

Listen, I get her desire to be read. Believe you me, I get it. And I totally get the desire to have people read what she writes and then tell her how great it is. I get it on a primal, fundamental, "every cell singing with knowing" level. But she's trying to set that situation up artificially, and is too desperate to care that that's meaningless.

The lady has not learned to write. You can't teach her that by reading her stuff and patting her back over it.

[AriGriffin]

G used to write for the local newspaper. She and her husband owned it.
This is her third time taking the same writing course- G said the professor keeps failing her.

[MoonCat]

G used to write for the local newspaper. She and her husband owned it.
This is her third time taking the same writing course- G said the professor keeps failing her.

Well, that about says it all, doesn't it?

I agree completely with Seshat and RK, but G's experience with the writing course tells me that were you to tell her (honestly) that her stories need a lot of work (the kindest way I can think to put it), she would simply not accept your opinion. She is more concerned with her feelings than with learning anything, and that's no way for a writer (or anyone) to improve their craft.

[Jester]

Clearly this woman is in denial, especially if she keep failing the class and blaming the professor.

Myself, I had to take Spanish 101 three times in college. Why? Not because the professors were against me or hated me, but because frankly, I'm not very good with foreign languages. Never have been. But I recognized that, and muddled through as best I could.

It seems this woman is living in a fantasy world. Probably the best thing you can do is what Kink suggested...don't even get involved. Don't let her push you into not taking no for an answer. Stand your ground, and tell her NO.

[Seraph]

My best recommendation is that if she asks.....feign death.

Kidding, of course. Just....hold your ground. I agree with MoonCat and Kink. Tell her it does need a lot of work, and that you honestly don't want to give a critique, and then just disentangle yourself.


...and if all else fails, feign death. :P